Most Days

I'm not a percet person. 
There are some people who are like the salt of the earth. 
Who are really good people, 
but they did not get to be that way by chance. 

What I learned by being a parent
is that there are chances that we shouldn't take. 
And chances that we should. 
It's taking a chance on knowing 
or thinking we know what chances to take. 

I took a chance on my son being okay with his father. 
He already wasn't okay before that,
but I didn't know that. 
It was taking a chance thinking that he was. 
It's still taking a chance hoping that he'll learn. 
In time, over time, 
a bunch of things
that took me a long time to learn. 
That I didn't get to teach him. 
That nobody has been teaching him. 

And I keep thinking about this. 
All the ways I failed him. 
All the ways his father has been failing him. 
All the ways most people have failed him. 

And yes, a lot of people failed me, too. 
I was being abused and I could have been taken away, I wasn't. 
My mother didn't teach me a lot of things I've needed to know. 
My father wasn't around. 

I've had at least one friend ask me:
With everything you've been through.... 
How are you the way you are?

The thing is that I could have let a lot of things affect me
a lot more than they did. 

But what hit me the hardest was how I affected other people. 
And how what I was doing was affecting them. 
And because they were affected.... 
It started a chain reaction of effects and events.

I can look back on it. 
I can let others point out some things. 
I can realize some things, see some things, 
but NONE of that is going to change the past. 
I can be sad about it, I can cry about it, 
I can be upset about it, angry about it, 
but none of that is going to change the past. 

None of that is going to change who I was in the past, either. 
That I was focused on the wrong things. 
Or that I couldn't see that I was. 
And didn't know that I was. 
That I didn't know that the way I thought things were
wasn't the way they actually were. Or are. 

I was trying to talk to someone in the mental health chat thing. 
Trying to help him. 
He's been spiralling pretty hard for a couple weeks, 
not eating, not sleeping, not even drinking water. 
And not doing very well emotionally. 
I know that food affects mood
and sleep really affects us. 

I think I tried a bit too hard and the guy left the chat. 
I want to help people, 
but as I realized, we have to take care of ourselves, too. 
We have to want to try to look at things differently
to be able to see them differently. 

And "someone convinced against his will
is someone of the same opinion still."

Like it won't matter what anyone says
if someone wants to contradict it, they will. 
With their beliefs of unworthiness etc. 
I've felt unworthy, too. 
Not having my son in my life. 
F*cking it up with him. 
Over and over and over again. 
With "love interests"
with even people I've tried to help, 
but I can't help people who are hell bent
on destroying themselves. 

I'm not good at trying to talk anyone off the ledge. 
I'm not good at trying to talk anyone back
from the brink of insanity.... 
Out of the darkness they want to stay in. 
I've been in my own pits of despair. 
The only thing that helped me
was that others understood and were willing to listen, 
offered me concrete advice, 
am I out of the woods? NO.

I'm not looking to jump though
or kill myself....
The thoughts cross my mind. 

But I get that there are people who really have entrenched beliefs
about their worthiness. 
I've been made to feel worthless by a lot of people. 
Because I'm not perfect. 
I didn't and don't meet their expectations. 
I'm not like other mothers or other girls
or other people. 
And I know I've let people down. 
People who were closest to me
because I always thought they would be there.

Yes, I get down on myself for that.
I get down on myself for not being able to help my son, 
but honestly, he didn't want me to help. 
He did and he didn't. 
There were cries for help. I heard them. 
I still didn't know what to do.

And I should have a long time ago. 
And there was a lot I couldn't see
and a lot he didn't talk to me about. 
So I didn't know. 
And at a young age, we don't know how to ask for help. 
So we don't. 
We don't say: "Can we talk?"
"I feel like this about this."
I couldn't talk to my parents. 
My mother wouldn't listen to me.
Only when it was something she wanted to know.
She would not and will not face anything about herself
and how it affected me. 
I had a hard time facing myself and how it affected others, too.

And we don't know what to say....
Even when he tried to talk to me....
I didn't know what to say.... 

And if I had all the right words, at the right times, 
things would probably be different between us. Very. 
But this is how things got. 
Because I didn't know what to say, or do, 
but still wanted to try to get help for him. 

Just there isn't a lot of help in the "system"
for anyone....
BUT WHO CAN HELP
FIGHT AGAINST US FIGHTING OURSELVES?
That's a hard battle....
I know, because I didn't want to really listen to people. 
I wasn't ready to listen or to really hear them. 

And a lot of things are really hard. They really are.
Facing myself, my past, who I was, how I was.
How I affected others around me.... 
How they became because of how they were affected. 
How a lot of people felt like they didn't matter to me. 
Because I pushed most people away. 
And it was mostly because I felt like I didn't matter to them....
And that when they found out thins about me,
they wouldn't care about me anymore, if they ever did....

AND THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO REALLY DID NOT HELP AT ALL.
NURSES, DOCTORS, LOTS OF PEOPLE....
FAMILY DIDN'T EVEN CARE TO TRY TO HELP ME.
THEY NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO LISTEN TO ME....
OR TALK TO ME....
AND IT WAS ONLY LIKE THEY JUST TALKED ABOUT ME.....
WHAT HELP IS THAT?

So... I get it. I know what it is like to feel like nobody cares. 
WHY WOULD THEY CARE ABOUT ME?!
MOST DON'T. THEY JUST DON'T.
And I know how that FEELS. I really know how that feels.
It's really not a good feeling. 

And my son thinks I don't get it. That I don't care.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been so worried
or scared.... I wouldn't have been so f*cking heartbroken.... 

Part of me still wants a relationship with him. 
And part of me is on the fence that it's ever going to happen
because he told me he won't ever talk to me again. 

I get how this looked to his dad and to him. 
I can see things from their point of view, 
but they can't see things from my point of view. 
They don't seem to get how this has felt for me. 
All the times they ghosted me... Tore me apart. 
Thinking I'd never get to see my son again, 
or hear from him, get to hug him... 
Get to talk to him.... 

This happened like probably 6 times. 
Where my son pushed me away and shut me out, completely. 
And his father stopped talking to me, too. 
And he and I don't have to talk about everything, 
but it would have been nice to talk about our son, 
and let me know how he is doing, 
but his father didn't know a lot of what was going on with our son. 
My son was opening up to me, not to him. 

Because there were times we were getting closer. 
And I sometimes feel like I should have kept him close, 
and the things I did pushed him away. 

And there were times I wasn't the most mature. 
And the parent is supposed to be the adult. 
And not seem childish to the child in any way. 
Otherwise the child feels more mature than the parent, 
but there are ways that the parent is still more mature than the child. 

There were times I felt more mature than my mother. 
When she was acting or being stupid
or said something stupid. 

There are times my mother triggers me. 
And I guess there have been times I've triggered my son. 

I guess we all want to feel worth it to our parents. 
And to our children....
And to ourselves.... 

And if we felt worth it all the time and had the confidence, 
then it wouldn't matter as much and we wouldn't want it as much. 

And we wouldn't struggle with trying to prove our worth to anyone. 
We'd just feel valued and appreciated for what we bring to the table, 
all the good in us.... 

And there are times that I've felt worthless to my son. 
To pretty much everyone, then I'd try harder and harder, 
and it was still not good enough. 
And I know my son has felt that way with me, too. 
And it was never that he wasn't good enough for me. 
I wanted to balance some things out. 
Being happy with him and trying to be happy on my own, 
and yes, I wanted to love and feel loved in the romantic sense. 
And I sense that he thinks that mattered more to me than him. 
I wanted both, but it seemed that made him feel
like he was not good enough for 100% of my attention. 
And I was focused on the wrong things. 
Because relationships were not MORE important than him. 
My hobbies were not MORE important than him. 

I've always loved my son. Always. 
No matter what I was doing or who I was with. 
But he saw it as I chose that over him, which wasn't true. 
But I should have been there for him more. 
I kept feeling like I was grieving him. 

I always felt a sense of emptiness without him. 
And I couldn't find that fulfillment with anyone. 
The love of mother and son is special. 
And it does not compare to any relationship. 
I always felt his loss. 

But I was the one going to the bar after school. 
And trying to drink away my sorrows. 
And trying to find someone to love me. 
And feeling unworthy of love. 
And my son felt the same when I wasn't home. 
Or wasn't focused on nurturing him. 
And I couldn't see that. At that time. 
And it's something I should have seen
that I keep getting angry at myself for not seeing. 

I left him with his father and was thinking that
I was missing out on things that I wasn't really missing out on. 
My son was the one missing out. 

And I lost him because of that. 
And all I can hope for is that he finds out that I realize it, now. 
And that he lets me make up for that. 
And sees the times that I tried to make up for it. 
That I tried to make some good memories with him. 
But there were also some sh*tty memories. 
And maybe more of those than good ones. 
And he remembers those more than the good ones. 

And they come back to haunt me daily. 

A friend told me that I keep punishing myself
for everything I ever did wrong. 
Even things from years ago. 

It's not really about punishing myself for it. 
It's hard to explain to anyone why I feel the way I feel
about myself and about my life
about how I was and who I was
and about the ways I've failed
and the guilt that comes with that. 

Parental guilt is what it is called. 

Because we aren't just parents, we are people, too. 
Trying to figure things out, 
trying to cope with how we feel.... 
Like the more I screwed up, 
the worse I'd feel and I just screwed up even more. 
And then I'd feel even worse....
Like this cycle of despair and defeat.... 

And throw being a parent into the mix.... 
When we are supposed to be at our best for them. 
So that we can teach them to be at their best... 

And throw the desire to be loved into the mix.... 

And I don't really desire that anymore. 
I feel like I wanted that too much
instead of focusing on what really mattered to me. 

And realizing all this stuff.... 
It just makes me want to die. 

Because as they get older, they realize that MOM
was an alcoholic, MOM had boyfriends
and spent time away while I was with DAD.

But he doesn't see how DAD was so busy being mad at MOM
that he wasn't there emotionally for him. 

When it started with MOM not feeling loved by DAD.
Because DAD was not there emotionally for MOM, either. 

And it took me a long time to realize
that maybe nobody was there emotionally for DAD
so he couldn't be there emotionally for anyone. 

And none of this was my son's fault. 
Or even about him. 
And doesn't make him unworthy of being loved. 
And doesn't mean he isn't loved. 

It just means that MOM and DAD needed to SHOW him love. 
And I tried to. I wanted to. I still want to. 
He doesn't want me in his life.
And this is why. Mostly. 
And he thinks I ruined his life
and that all I do is make things worse. 
And I'm pretty sure his DAD feels the same way. 
Like he wouldn't have been a single parent if it wasn't for me. 
But he never had to do any of the parenting alone. 
I was a call away, a conversation away, 
but also I needed to be more present. 
And he did a lot on his own
because we aren't together anymore. 
AND ALSO HIS PRIDE AND EGO
AND THINKING HE KNOWS EVERYTHING
GOT IN THE WAY
AND HIM PUSHING ME AWAY.... 

BECAUSE I HURT HIM, BY LEAVING. I GET IT. 
I WAS NOT HAPPY, I WAS NOT GROWING. AS A PERSON. 
WITH SOMEONE WHO WASN'T AND ISN'T GROWING AS A PERSON. 
AND MY SON HAS A LOT OF GROWING TO DO. AS A PERSON.
AND HE ISN'T DOING THAT WITH HIS DAD.
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TALK
AND THERE IS NO REAL CONNECTION THERE. 
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T TALK. 

And my son feels unworthy of love in all directions. 
Not just my love, his Dad's love
and wants to try to be more like his Dad so his Dad will
look at him differently, 
but his Dad sees so much of me in him. 
And my son really does not want to be like me. 
But I do understand my son, but he doesn't think I do. 

If we had talked more and connected more,
he might have seen that I do get it. 
But at the same time, I'm not a male. 
Females and males are different, 
plus, he has a lot of his Dad's ego and pride.... 

I've wanted to be there to give him the emotional support. 
At the same time I still struggle with it
because it's something I wanted but rarely got. 
And he has these toxic beliefs about society, 
about being a male, about emotions, about a lot of stuff. 
And he's been in a toxic environment for a long time, 
and I didn't know what it was like for him. 

We talked about these things a few times. 
He said he didn't want to be happy
because it's romanticized, being sad. 
Like romance was only to bring people up..... 
Like what I used to think, 
like most teenagers are programmed to think. 
That LOVE is the answer, 
Romantic love is not the only kind of love. 
And I couldn't see that, for a long time. 
I still love my son, 
but romantic love is seemingly pretty important. 
Especially at that age. I get it. 
I met and 'fell in love' with his father, 
until I couldn't or didn't feel his love
and felt the unworthiness instead. 
"If he loved me, he would..."
And my son felt that about me:
"If Mom loved me, she would...."
I felt that way about my family. 

Because I needed to be shown love. 
Regularly. So did he. He needed it, too. 
From me especially. 
So he kept feeling like I don't love him, 
that I didn't love him. 

There were times I told him that I love him
and he said: "Prove it."
And I didn't know how to prove it. 
And should have asked him what he thought proof was. 
I thought telling someone you love them was enough. 
And there were times I didn't even get that. 
From anyone. Not even my mother. 
She never told me she loves me. 
She just never says it. 
And never really felt loved by her. 

I have gone through a lot in my life. 
That a lot of people have not experienced. 
Because "the average" person does not go through this stuff. 
And a lot of stuff I put myself through. 
And I couldn't see that, either. 

And the inability to feel loved
is a BPD thing, the feelings of unwothiness are a BPD thing. 

Does it really come from people not being there for us?
Or my mother never telling me she loved me?
And I always wanted my son to feel loved, 
but he didn't, because I wasn't always there for him. 
I was looking for love instead of giving him my love. 
And it was supposed to be a balance between both. 
It wasn't that I never loved him or didn't love him, 
I've always did, but I needed to show it more. 

There were times I needed to be shown more, too.
Like if I felt appreciated by his father, 
I'm sure we would have lasted longer, but I didn't. 
Because he took me for granted. 
And I took him for granted. 
And I'm sure my son felt taken for granted. 
And that is not a good way to feel. 
And he took me for granted, and his father. 
A lot of kids take their parents for granted. 

A friend of mine told me:
"He's still thinking like a teenager."
"It took me a long time to realize how important my parents are."

And I kept thinking:
"My mother still triggers tf outta me."

My mother wanted me to look, act, be
the way she wanted me to look, act, be. 
Not the way I am.

Not to express happiness or myself or how I feel. 
Like EVER. About anything. 
Especially not when it comes to how SHE affected ME.

And I wasn't always ready to look at myself, either. 

But at the same time I am AWARE
that I don't MEET certain expectations.... 
People had of me.... 

And it has taken me a really long time
to even start getting my sh*t together. 
And I have to do it for ME
not for anyone in my life. 
Especially people who did not want to stick by me. 
Who walked out on me so easily. 
Who always wanted me to prove something to them. 
To prove my love, my value, my worth to them. 
Like I'm only worth it if I have money.... Or something.... 
Something to offer someone that they want. 

Like my ex didn't talk to me for years
until I had some money to give him. 
Then all of a sudden he would meet with me and have lunch with me. 
Talk to me about our son, like I had wanted. 
For all that time, but they both ignored me. 
Until I had some money to give him...
Which was for our son....

And there is a scholarship fund thing for my son
that he can access now that he's 18....
And he's still so angrywith me....
I told him that he could ask his Dad to contact me for him.... 
So he could at least get the money. 

But since they want to keep treating me this way....
Like I don't exist, then they don't have to get the money. 
I get that they are angry with me, upset with me....
I got worried and scared. 
What they've put me though is rough. 
Even though I was trying to date in the past....
Do I not deserve to be happy?
Did they not want me to be happy?
Or was it because they weren't happy about it?

That I did not want to solely rely on them for happiness?
Especially when they picked and chose when they'd talk to me?
Especially when I've felt so f*cking unworthy constantly.....
Until I have money.... Then I'm useful and only then.... 

But I get how the past has been
and how I've been in the past. 
I've had a lot of growing to do. 

And a lot of people who were in my life
prevented me from growing. 
Because they were not growing. 
And a lot of people will either realize
that they have growing to do, or they won't. 
But one thing for sure is growing is painful. 
Because we have to look at who and how we've been
and grow from that..... 
And most people do not want to look at themselves. 
Who and how they've been. 
Because it requires them to admit
that they haven't been the most mature, 
the most intelligent, the most sensitive, 
the most aware, the most whatever..... 

With that comes a lot of PAIN.
Because there comes some embarrassment, shame, guilt, etc.
But without that... People have a hard time learning. 
Like I mentioned in a previous post. 

With a lot of people, they would rather not feel BAD, at all. 
So they just do what they do
without feeling bad about it. 
And that has been in my family. 
And they can't see why they SHOULD feel bad about it. 
And why they should never have done it in the first place. 
But it's like they would rather justify it
than feel bad about it
because they don't see WHY they should feel bad. 

Does that make sense?
So there were times I did things
that I didn't feel bad about
until it hit me WHY I SHOULD feel bad about it. 
And once I started feeling bad about it, 
I kept feeling bad about it. 
It's not that I want to torture myself
for the rest of my life over it. 
It's not about beating myself up for it 
for the rest of my life.... 

It's the recognition and realization that hit me. 
That I affected other people. 
Because of how unaware I was. 

But will others recognize and realize how they affected me?
Probably not.... 
Because they don't see why they should feel bad. 
Because they don't want to feel bad. 

And people are trying to tell me that I need to get over it. 
Get over feeling bad about those things. 
Because those things are in the past
and I can't change those things
or the fact that I did those things
or said whatever I said
or whatever.... 

That I was pretty ignorant. 
To my ways, my thinking, how I felt, how things are.... 
To things about myself.... 

The "ignorance is bliss" thing comes from
how painful it is to become aware. 
And most people prefer to stay in the dark
just to avoid having to look, having to see.... 
Having to know.... 
How their ignorance affected others. 

And when they see it.... BAM!
And that's what the last few years has been like. For me.

And it's not like people have to have anything to do with me
if they don't want to. I'd prefer it if they wanted to. 
If my son wanted to see me. 
If his Dad had the decency to talk to me. 
If he had answered the door when I was worried about our son. 
And all they had to do was let me know he was okay. 
That is all I needed or wanted from him. 

But he's not okay emotionally. Or mentally. 
Because he hasn't grown in many ways. 
He hasn't matured and his father has been toxic. 
And I had trusted his father.....
It was important that his father be in his life
because I didn't have my father in mine, 
but my son needed a role model. 
Someone to teach him respect and all kinds of things. 
To help him learn about himself, about girls, about life. 
Not just someone to "take care" of him. 
To feed, clothe, and shelter him. 
Which I appreciate that he did for him, 
but he so obviously has needed more, much more. 

He taught him about resentment and unforgiveness. 
And whatever stupid sh*t he put in his head about me. 
Calling me a b*tch in front of him.... Etc. 
Taught him about annoyance.... 
Like when he was going to drop him off to me, to go to work....
And I was in the shower and didn't hear the phone ring, 
I was a b*tch for not answering the phone
when he was downstairs, trying to get in. 
When I didn't know he was here, yet. 

But all the times Icalled him?
To talk to him? To ask about my son?
To talk to my son?
Did he answer my calls?

And when my son lived with me, I asked him to call him. 
To talk to him, but he didn't. 
He was being a weekend father.

And I wanted to be there for him more than I got to be. 
And my son just saw that I wasn't there. 
And I wanted to be and still want to be, 
but things got really toxic and really bad
and got horrific.... It scares me and gives me nightmares sometimes. 
And I couldn't sleep. 
And have to take pills to help me sleep. 

And I never thought I'd be going through this, ever. 
And I still don't know what the future holds. 
All I know is they think I took it too far. 
When I wasn't the one talking about this stuff. 
I have had serious concerns. 
Real worries, real fear. 
Because of how toxic things are. 
And how horrific things got. 
Like I would not wish this on anyone, ever. 
I can relate to some mothers.... Not in a good way. 

I didn't know what was going on. With him. 
I only knew what he told me. 
And I had to do something about what he told me. 
And nothing I did helped in any way. 
Nothing has helped me or helped him. 
His Dad is in denial. Which isn't helping. 

Can things turn around? I really hope so. 
But as it is, I don't know how to turn things around. 
I can only try to turn myself and my life around, 
but it is so hard when this has been a big part of my life. 

And I am to blame as much as others are to blame. 
Someone told me that I'm only one part of this. 
He's had other influences in his life. 
He's had other traumas. 
I didn't single handedly ruin his life. 
I've been trying to get him to turn himself around
but he will only if and when he wants to. 

"Guys are different, they want it to be their idea."
"Guys don't like being told what to do."

And they are so stubborn
that they'd rather just try to ease their suffering
by getting others to suffer
but it doesn't end their suffering. 
They need to take care of themselves
and they'd rather look to women to be the nurturers
until there's so much disdain that they push them away. 

And sometimes the women in their lives don't know how
to give them the nurturing they needed
so the disdain comes back even harder. 
That it turns into animosity. 

And a lot of guys block out emotions
or try to block out emotions. 
And they really suffer for it.
Like they supress it so much they have a breakdown. 
And a lot of their mental issues are emotional issues. 

But they'd rather "keep their feelings to themselves."
Because that's what "men" are "supposed" to do.
Just bottle it up. It isn't healthy. 
And what do you tell someone who firmly believes it?
Does it matter what you tell them?
If they still believe what they believe?

Like the guy I was trying to help in the mental health chat.... 
I think it is a case of him being overcome with all the emotions
that he's been bottling up for years. 
And most people don't know what to do with them. 
I still don't, myself, other than process them... 
But nobody ever taught me that. 

Everyone I knew, in my family, just shoves down their feelings
and they never talk about how they feel. 

In AA, someone told me, that we can't selectively numb our feelings.....
We end up numbing everything. 
I brought this up, and he said that it was different. 
I think what it is.... Is all the traumas catching up to him. 
And he has to process everything. 
Like a lifetime of stuff and he doesn't know how to do it. 
Most people don't and the emotions and emotional turmoil
just gets stuck and it stays there.
And more stuff gets added onto it. 
Until people can't take it anymore. 
It gets to be too much for them. 

I've been there. I still get to that point
where it feels like it is too much for me. 
I've also added things onto others
which wasn't fair to them
and I didn't know that I had.... 
Or what exactly it was that I was adding onto them....
Like with my son, trying to get him to get help. 
He is not ready for it, but he needs it. 

And I've suffered for a long time because I needed help. 
And I couldn't get it at the hospital. 
It's not like the hospital is a processing plant. 
Where you can process all traumas, 
all baggage, all everything. 
It's more or less a place to be so people don't hurt themselves. 
Where they can be sedated, or they strap them down....
(For their safety and safety of others....)
But hospitals are not equipped for trauma counselling. 
Or to help people deal with the effects of trauma.... 
Or even know what to do when they are spiralling, 
but I've spiralled before because I've let myself do it. 

When we lose "control" of our minds....
We an lose "control" of ourselves.... 
But when we are not taught how to control ourselves....
We have to teach ourselves.... 

I've seen this with parents not teaching kids how to control themselves. 
I've seen this in my own family. 
I've seen this with my own child. 
I've seen this with my brother's anger. 
He doesn't know how to control himself when he gets angry. 
And I've gotten to that point, too. 
And my son doesn't, he admitted that. 
And he won't listen to me about this or anything.
And I admit that it was my job as a parent to teach him. 
And his father's job to teach him. 

Because it got dangerous. And I had to say something. 
Like no matter how angry I got, I won't hurt someone. 
Unless they are trying to hurt me. 
I have my limits when I get angry. 
I know how far is way too far.
But this stuff is supposed to be taught. 
All I was taught was rage. 
All my son saw was people getting angry
and he's seen what others have done. 
Out of anger, rage, etc.
He's seen me angry before. 
But I wouldn't hurt him. 
The only times I ever spanked him
were times he got aggressive with me. 
And spanking isn't the answer
and I felt bad for doing it. 

Sometimes I think some punishments
only teach kids to be punishing. 
Like how he ghosted me to punish me. 
For doing things he didn't like. 
Like trying to make him get help. 
When he didn't want it. 

The last time I saw him he said "I don't like you anymore."
My job is supposed to be a parent, not to be liked. 
And had I done my job properly, 
he might not have liked me, 
but he may have realized one day
that everything I did, I did for him. 

But I wasn't doing my job properly. 
I was still young and immature. 
Now, look where we are. 

And my son is young and immature.... 
Parents are supposed to have the control. 
They are supposed to know
how to wake their children up. 
How to get through to them. 
How to get them to see.... 
And what if they keep choosing not to?
What if they keep choosing what they know
and what they think they know?

What if they choose not to listen to anyone?

And yeah, it'll reflect on me as a parent. 
It always does. Always looking at the mothers. 
Even when the mothers tried the hardest near the end... 

But yeah, I wasn't thinking.... For the majority of my life. 
Because I was drunk or high. Thinking about other things. 
Not thinking about what I needed to do. 
Thinking I still had time.... 
Sometimes, I hope that there still is time. 
Someone told me: "It's never too late."
I quit drinking, I quit smoking. I realized a lot. 
The only thing is... Will anyone realize that I've realized?
And so what if I have?
Doesn't change the past.... 

And if parents do not teach their kids
to control themselves.... 
Their kids won't know how to control themselves. 

I'd like to say I've mellowed out a lot, 
but I still have old habits that are hard to break. 

Someone also pointed out that hormones
plays a role in this, to a degree. 

But still right is right and wrong is wrong. 

A friend keeps telling me to forgive myself for everything. 
I still find it really hard. Really f*cking hard. 
Because I feel sick sometimes. 
Just SICK.
So sick I want to die most days....