On A Show

It's been frustrating and I've been frustrated....
I just feel like I'm on a show called "Let's F*ck With A***."
Where people dangle a carrot in front of my face
to get me running in circles, 
exhausting myself, getting nowhere. 
And laugh at me every time. 
"You're crazy."
"It's because you're crazy."

I don't know why I do what I do. 
Why I try so hard for people who aren't trying for me. 
Who'd rather ditch me for something or someone else. 
Who'd rather leave me hanging.... 
Knowing that they are doing it, but they do it anyway.... 
"You're crazy, A***."
So they make that the reason 
that they do that to me, and more. 
Lie to me, keep secrets from me.... 

Someone once told me:
"You're not crazy for wanting to be treated better."
I should f***ing hope not..... 
I seem to be "crazy" when people treat me
however they feel like treating me.... 
When they know they did me wrong....

And then they come back when they realize
that I was the only one who actually really cared about them?
When I wouldn't have done to them
what others had done to them?

When I spoke out about what others did to them?

I had a gut feeling, after watching some tarot
that M*** was going to be betrayed by the mother of his children... 
That someone was putting something in his drinks or food. 
It turned out that she was putting ADHD meds in his drinks. 
For at least a solid 6 months. 
He said he didn't feel like himself... 
And I think it was longer than 6 months... 
And I told his brother to tell him.
Because M*** had me on block. 
And she would have kept doing it. 
He didn't know she was doing it. 
"It's a lot to take that someone would do that to you."
And I was the one who said something
so that he could figure it out. 

AFTER ALL THE SH*T HE PUT ME THROUGH.

And she would have rather killed him
than to let him leave her.... 

And I had to let him go. 
He'd put me through enough sh*t with his hoes, 
with HER, with all that BS.

THEN HE COMES BACK TO SAY HE'S SORRY TO ME.....
THE ONE PERSON WHO CARED ENOUGH ABOUT HIM
TO SAY, "YOU BETTER CHECK TO SEE
BECAUSE SOMEONE MIGHT BE PUTTING SOMETHING
IN YOUR FOOD/DRINKS."

BECAUSE HE GOT REALLY SICK....
BECAUSE HIS KIDNEYS WERE SHOT.... 

Well, yeah.... Enough meds.... 
That he didn't know he was "taking..."

AND THAT'S WHAT HE CHOSE OVER ME.... 
AND TRYING TO TELL ME THAT ALL GIRLS ARE THE SAME.... 

Anyway, it's just frustrating when people don't see me for me. 
They just see me as they think I am.... 
Whatever thoughts they have of me just dominate
their idea of me, their view of me. 
And I am tired of it. 
I'd rather just be alone for the rest of my life.... 

I went beyond, to try to get him help. 
Because I cared about the guy, I loved him. 
WHAT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME?
LIED TO ME, DECEIVED ME, BLEW ME OFF....

And it wasn't what he could or would do for me.... 
But there is no foundation there to build on.... 
There's nothing between him and I except for damage. 

But I should have left a long time ago. I didn't. 
There were more reasons to leave than to stay. 
Maybe more reasons for him to leave HER than to stay...
I think trying to poison someone
is a pretty good reason to leave. 

And I didn't have to say anything. 
But she would have just kept doing it
because he didn't know. He trusted her. 
I didn't know for sure, either, but I had to say something
and risk looking "crazy..."
But how "crazy" did I look
when he was finding empty pill canisters all over the house?

And all those times he pushed me away.... 
And pushed me to the brink
make me want to just push him away..... 
Even though my heart tells me not to.... 

And my heart got me hurt before.... 
So do I listen to it? Do I follow it?
Just to get it broken again?

The vision of that certain cartoon character
going "Ha-Ha!" just entered my mind. 
Like you just fell for it.... AGAIN!

Like how much of myself am I going to sacrifice this time?
For someone who chose someone
Who'd rather poison him
than let him go be happy with someone else?

But who's to say he would have been happy with me?

But when he did choose someone else, 
I just thanked him for telling me
and I just let them be together. 
I was sad, yeah, but not angry enough to hurt him, 
or to try to take his LIFE
so that nobody else could have him.... 

All the times I was P*SSED at him.... 
I forgave him for not knowing better.... 
But there comes a point in my life
where I WANT someone TO know better.... 
To know me well enough to KNOW me..... 

And to SHOW me... By SHOWING UP for me. 
Others have, before, and I pushed them away
because I ALWAYS FELT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.
AND THE TRUTH IS, I'M F***ING NOT. I'M NOT. 
AND IT'S SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT I'M NOT.

They know better than me and they show up. 
I may have quit drinking.....
Started caring more than I used to.... 
Enough about myself and my heart
not to let those who didn't care about me in the past
come back to treat me like sh*t all over again?

To just let them keep being STUPID
AND LET THEM F*CK UP THEIR OWN LIVES?
AND TO JUST STAY OUT OF IT?
AND NOT KEEP TRYING TO RESCUE
PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES?
IF THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO RESCUE
THEMSELVES FROM THEMSELVES?

But yeah, if someone is trying to kill someone....
Someone I love and care about....
YES.... I will say something. And I did.

That's what friends do.....
Not stand them up, make excuses, lie....

I COULD HAVE SAID "F*** THIS!"
A LONG TIME AGO AND JUST WALKED AWAY....
WHY DIDN'T I?
WHY SHOULD I CARE?

Anyway, it's frustrating being the one who cares. 
And not being cared about.... 

I didn't stop caring about C*****. 
He cared enough to talk with me, 
to get me to think about some things, to reconsider some things... 
he was doing that FOR ME.
NOT BECAUSE HE HAD TO.

All the things he helped me with....
He didn't need help with, but he knew I needed help with.
He showed up to be the person to help me. 
I didn't directly ask him to. He offered to. 
He knew he could do it, and he did it. 
And yeah it was frustrating for him. 
To be the one who cared about me
enough to teach me some things....
Enough to listen to me....
And only get so far with me....

It wasn't that I had to build a wall to keep him out....
It wasn't like that. It was "You can do better than me."
He knew it, he knows it, 
he knew I knew it, 
but he never said "I can do wayyyy better than you."
He never said "I'm out of your league."
He never said "You'd only be so lucky."
He didn't because he never had to say it. 
And he's the classy type of guy who wouldn't say it. 
Who wouldn't cut me down. 
He was trying to build me up
until I had a major crash. 
And it was crash after crash after crash.... 
And I've just felt like trash.
And I've felt like a waste of his time.... 

And it's not so much that it's class, it's maturity. 

Anyway.... 

I'm just really sad today and I keep getting images
in my head and it's not good stuff.... 

And I don't know what to do about these intuitive hits.
Or about the pain, or about any of this....
I feel like a failure. 
I'm sad... Beyond sad.... 

I was joking with someone the other night
about aliens coming to take me away from here
and bringing me to another planet
to have a break from here.... 

He said "How would you get the aliens?"
And I said "I'd use an alien whistle (like a dog whistle) 
and just stand out in a field somewhere
so that they could come and beam me up."

I feel so drained again. I don't like it. 
I often want to just run away. 
But won't my thoughts and feelings just follow me?
My problems?
I want to solve all my problems, 
but I don't know if I can solve any of them. 

Someone who I didn't think would come back
came back or tried to and I don't know why he did. 
And it took me so much and so long to get over him
even though he did shitty things and said shitty things to me
and it really shouldn't have been so hard to have let him go. 
Should have kicked his @ss out the door of my life. 

Old feelings I had came back up and it was nice, 
to feel that way again and some tiny glimmer of hope
of a reconciliation....

But I don't even have any reasons to feel that way about him. 
I should have moved tf on and kept moving on. 
Not talked to him again, not started caring again. 
Not feeling anything, just living my life. 
He was living his life. 
Even when he was supposedly in my life....
Not telling me anything....

And it would have made sense if I knew. 

C***** once told me:
"Trying to figure something out
when there's nothing to figure out
is enough to drive anyone crazy...."

And since apparently there was nothing between him and I, 
there was nothing to figure out. 

And my friends would never have treated that way....

Maybe he wanted to work things out, this time. 
I don't even know.... 
I don't want to go through the same sh*t. 

People can change, they can. 
When they finally realize some sh*t.... 
But some people don't. 
They don't want to see their own sh*t. 
Or own up to their own sh*t....
And they won't because they don't want to. 

I really don't like being left in the dark. 
Especially on purpose.