Lots Of Things

I should be happy. Been told many times that I can do better than that. 
That I don't deserve that. I don't. I really don't. 
Of course I'm going to be hesitant and guarded....
Because I've been finding out things. Here and there. 
They played with me too much. 
I was open and honest. The whole time.... 
Wasn't hiding anything.... 

I was so stuck in my head for so long.... 
Didn't know what was going on.... 
Was trying to figure it out....

TIRED OF THE DISRESPECT....
IT'S ONE THING TO GET MAD
THAT YOU DIDN'T GET WHAT YOU WANTED, 
BUT ANOTHER THING TO BE DISRESPECTFUL ABOUT IT....

I DIDN'T GET WHAT I WANTED, EITHER.....

And had people LIE about me.... 
And had people BELIEVE those lies.... 

And it made me look like I was playing games, 
but I was the one being honest about what I was feeling.... 

One guy.... He said something about me that he thought was the case. 
That was innocent, but he shouldn't have said anything about me
without asking me... About what he thought. 
It was an honest mistake, though.... 
And not my fault.... 

But they totally rode on that.... 
And a lot of sh*t got said about me
because of that.... Judged me based on assumptions about me. 
And no matter what I say, they believe what they want to.... 
Sh*t I'm still not privy to.... 
And who knows what else.... 

So why should I go back to that or want that in my life?
Wouldn't I want someone who believes what I say
over what other girls say about me?
When those other girls were hooking up with him?
Of course they don't want him to get with me.... 
Like is he that stupid?

So that's been a major barrier.... 
And I can't get him to see that.... 
Or see ANYTHING from my point of view.... 

He had said "Sorry you feel that way...."
Well, why do you think I feel that way?
"Sorry things went the way they went between you and I."
Well, why do you think things went that way?

Because you wanted to believe the lies?
Instead of the truth from me?

Like they have such a hard time believing I've been celibate.... 
And that I'd choose that over just hooking up "for fun."
Just because they think with their junk
doesn't mean that I am.... Not everyone does. 

I already went through that time in my life in my 20s
where I dated and hooked up. 
But most of those one night stands
weren't intended to be that. 
I've always wanted more than just that. 
But most guys don't. 
And it's fine not to want that, 
but what isn't cool is to talk like they do
to get what they want and then act
like they were never talking like they did. Y'know?

It's not cool to get anyone thinking that you want that
when it is CLEAR that you don't. 
And it wasn't so clear to me, because a lot of sh*t was being hidden. 
Was like lie after lie after lie. 
So after all of that, it's hard to trust people... 

And it sucks that he trusted people
who told him things they thought about me
and told him things that they wanted him to think about me
all because they didn't want him with me.... 
And that he ate right into it. 
And treated me like I was lying to him, 
that I would lie to him. 
That I was playing games. 
When it came to telling him how I felt about him. 
All of that really hurt. A lot. 
On top of finding out some things
that he didn't want me to know.... 

And yes, it sounds like a lot of drama... A lot... 
It's frustrating. It really is. 

And I have to just let him go. 
Because he wanted to believe people he knows
WHO DON'T KNOW ME....
Talking sh*t about me.... 
Over what I have to say.... Which is the truth. 
I'm the one who knows the truth about me. 
I know how I really feel. 
I know what I'm really doing and what I'm not.... 

Been trying to tell him about what's been going on.... 
But he doesn't want to hear it. 
Doesn't want to listen to me. 
Doesn't care, or acts like he doesn't....
But if you really do care... Why act like you don't?

The only times I acted like I don't
was when I've given up..... 
Because it's been a lot of stress and stupidity, and bullsh*t. 
That I don't need in my life. 

And yes, the ones who put sh*t in his head about me.....
They want me to walk away
so they can have him for themselves.... 
Which is what I've been trying to tell him, too. 
But he doesn't make it easy for me to stay.... 

Like: "I miss you, I want to see you, I want to cuddle badly...."
And I said: "If you come here, we need to talk, really talk. I mean it."
And then he changes his mind like he didn't actually miss me.... 
That's the sh*t I can do without... Thanks. 
Did you miss me when you were hooking up with her?
Did you miss me when you were talking sh*t about me with your friends?
Or do you only miss me when you want something from me?
When you realize I actually did care? Y'know?

And when I say anything about that... I'm the one ruining things. 
Like he had a change of heart and was actually trying to come to me
to try to get closer to me, because he did actually miss me.... 

And then because I ruined things, he just pushes me away again. 
And because he does that I just walk away again. 
Even though I should have walked away A LONG TIME AGO.

And just let him be with these broads who don't want him with me.... 
Who want to paint me any way they can
to get him to walk away from me.... Like he did.... 
He's being manipulated but they are trying to manipulate him
into thinking that I'm the one trying to manipulate him.... 
By doing what? Being honest with him about how I feel?

And no, I really have no reasons to feel that way about him now. 
Even though I can see what is going on. Now. 
I didn't see what was going on before. 
It took me a long time to figure it out.
And there's more to the story than I know. 
Because as many secrets as he's had....
They also have their own secrets.... 
Their motives.... Acting like I'm the one who has hidden motives.... 
What did I even want? Something real?
With someone I thought would be real with me?
But no.... I *must* want something else.... 
Like what? Like what they want?

They USE him to do what they want him to do.... 
To do everything for them... 
Just give him the *goods* in return.... 
And then treat him like an afterthought. It's sad. 
I can see it, it p*sses me off.... 
But nothing I can do about it until he sees it. 
And finally says enough is enough.... 

But he needs to feel "needed."
And that's how they get him.... 
...."But M***, I need you....."
"Come save me.... Be my hero...."

I wasn't ever like that with him. 
He was being "Captain save a hoe."
And of course these hoes want me out of the picture.... 
Even though I never begged him to save or rescue me.... 
I just told him how I actually felt. 
But *I'm* the one being manipulative.... 
Didn't see how expressing myself would be seen that way.... 
But apparently it is.... 

And yes, after reading the other posts....
About the AGONY that I went through... 
I AM STUPID FOR EVEN ENTERTAINING
ANY THOUGHT OF EVEN TALKING TO THE GUY AGAIN.... 

I'VE SAID EVERYTHING I HAD TO SAY.
I TOLD HIM HOW I FELT.
APPARENTLY HE DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY....
CASE CLOSED.

AND NOT EVEN CASE CLOSED.....
IT JUST NEVER HAD TO GO AS FAR AS IT WENT.... 

AND IT WAS OBVIOUSLY ONE-SIDED FROM THE START.
WHICH IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE.
WHY EXHAUST MYSELF FOR THAT?
WHY PUT MYSELF THROUGH THE AGONY
ALL OVER AGAIN?
TO BE 'DISGUSTINGLY OPTIMISTIC'?
THAT THINGS MIGHT MIRACUOLOUSLY CHANGE?

PEOPLE CAN CHANGE, BUT NOT UNLESS THEY WANT TO. 
NOT UNLESS THEY SEE WHAT'S WRONG 
WITH HOW THEY ARE BEING/ ACTING ETC. 

PEOPLE WHO ARE SO EGOTISTICAL.....
THEY DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT....
WITH HURTING PEOPLE.....
WITH DRAGGING THEM THROUGH THE MUD.... 
For what? The fun of it?

So no.... I don't want that in my life.... 
I can care about someone, but not have to have them in my life
or be in someone's life if they don't want me in it.... 

It reminds me of this scenario.... 
A guy saw a squirrel at the lake
who has an infection in its face.... 
And the guy was trying to catch him
to get him help.... 

But injured animals put up a fight
when they don't trust someone
who just wants to help them....

But it's not that I want to "catch him"
And I know he has wounds.... 
And I would help him.... 
Not everyone would.... 
A lot of people are standing by watching him self-destruct. 

Like how many times are you going to get bitten
by the wounded animal? 
And do you take it personally?

And you can't expect the animal to realize
that you're just there to help them.... 
That you're not trying to hurt them.... 
Yet you keep getting hurt in that process.... 

And we can't save everyone....
And we can only try.... 
And who are we to think we can?
The only ones who can?
That when they see that the love is real....
Then they come around... 

And when it comes to putting ourselves in danger?
Do we put ourselves at risk?

There's a movie I saw....
A teacher against a gang of students who were bad news.....
I won't tell you what movie it is....
Because it is kind of a spoiler.....

But this one part of the movie.... 
A student who was bad news.... 
He was dangling by one hand and then he acted like
he was reaching up, asking for help from the teacher... 
But he wanted to pull the teacher down with him, 
so the teacher kicked him down. 

It reminds me of that..... 

He had said "You trust me enough to let me come over?"
And is that supposed to be telling?

How do I know that he wasn't thinking of betraying me?
And wanted to come over just to know where I live?
To tell someone else?
One of the girls he was listening to? About me?
How do I know that he wasn't trying to make a girl jealous of me?

Apparently he has a stalker because a drunk chick
was yelling at me when I was on my way to see him.... 
I was looking on his friend's list to see if it was someone he knows. 
There she was.... 

I was only in a rut waiting for him to talk to me.... 
To include me.... To see him.... 
To listen to me.... 

What if he was trying to get closer to me?
But what if there was more going on?

When I questioned him when he told he missed me and wanted to talk.... 
Accused him of playing games.... 
Instead of trying to convince me that he actually did miss me
and he actually did want to talk, he got mad at me. 
And disrespected me yet again.... 

So is it even worth it? To keep trying?
FOR THE MOMENT THAT THEY REGRET IT?
THAT THEY ACTUALLY MISS ME?
THAT THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK?
THAT THEY ACTUALLY SEE ME?
ALL TO JUST KEEP GETTING DISRESPECTED?

He can be "charming" and "nice" when he wants to be....
To those he wants to be.... 
When he wants to be... 

But what he wanted was to come over here
to try to have sex with me.... 
Not because he missed me, not because he wanted to talk to me.....
And when I asked him if we would actually really talk.....
He acted like it was such a hassle..... Like "I'm good, ttyl."
Like "I'll just find someone else to hook up with
who I don't have to talk to...."

And I don't need that. At all. 
He knew how I felt about him the whole time. 
And it sucks I even felt that way about him. 
It sucks that I've had to just squash all of that. 
Like he never meant anything to me, 
but I never meant anything to him... 

And I have to stop thinking about him. 
And get over him all over again...
And I should have already been over this. 
There were times I thought I was....

In the past, it would have been so much easier. 
Like "F*** this guy!"
Why do I still feel the need to hang in there?
And at least be a friend to him?
When he's still treating me like that?

Because I think one day he might see my worth?
If he doesn't now... What makes me think he will?
Just because I hung in there?
"If you really loved me, you'd put up with all my sh*t?"
Loving someone is different
from having to be forced to put up wth their sh*t....
"If you loved me, you wouldn't make me put up with all your sh*t...."

Most of the time what we think is really complicated, 
actually isn't complicated at all. It's really simple.... 
"When is enough, enough?"
Despite how much you wanted to be there for them and show it....
Despite how you feel about them....
It's not being returned so.... Just go.

"Why would she walk away if she really loves me?"
"Why would he be trying to get another chick pregnant
if he really loved me?"
"If he really missed me and wanted to talk, 
why would talking be an issue?"

Probably because I'm too f*cking guarded to talk anyway...
Probably because he's going to get an earful
about all of his bullsh*t....
Probably because I have some things to call him out on... 
And he doesn't want to hear it.... 
So it's not worth it to him, to come over here, to see me. 

Why not just own that sh*t and say.... "I get it." 
"I get how it looks to you. I get how it seems to you."
"I get why you feel the way you feel."
"I'd feel the same way if you did that to me.... I get it."
But they don't think that way
so they would never say those things. 
Because those things just don't cross their minds.... 

They think this: "If I do her really good, she won't be upset anymore..."
Like that's the solution. Like that'll fix everything. 
Until when? Until they screw me over again?
Until they cause another issue?
That obviously I have an issue with?
That doesn't fix anything. It doesn't. 

Even telling someone you're "sorry" after screwing them over.... 
It doesn't change the fact that you screwed them over.... 

Like a guy told me that his brother attacked him with a machete.
Almost killed him... 
But he still has him in his life.... 

That is hard to forgive someone for..... 
Especially your own brother....

And a lot of sh*tty things were done to him...
And it turned him into a person who just doesn't want to trust anyone
not to do something sh*tty to him, 
but continues to do sh*tty things... 
We're not all saints.... But.... 
When you know you shouldn't be doing something... 
Then don't do it. 

I've learned the hard way on that. 
Did a lot of things without thinking about them first. 
Made a lot of mistakes. 
Have lots of regrets.... 

And someone said to me today....
That rehashing is a form of self-abuse. 
Reflecting isn't. Reflecting is healthy. 
It's that when we replay regrets
so much that we drive ourselves insane.... 
I've been there. Many times. 
My past isn't the greatest. 
And I wasn't always a good person. 
I made a lot of mistakes.... I've had a lot to learn. 

And been learning through this situation. 
A lot about myself, actually. 

And there's been a lot of impulsivity on my end. 
Compulsivity in communication..... 
Like OCD stuff... And I'm not usually like that....
So I don't know why I was like that.... 

On here, I'm as open as I can be.... 
As open as I want to be.... 
Because it seems that I can't be as open as I want to be with most people.... 
For most people, it's really hard to trust people. 
I have only a few people in my life I can say that I trust. 

One of those people is my mentor.... 
I trust him with my life insurance policy. 
I was told to decide where the money will go
and he will allocate it for me. 

Since he's always been there for me, 
I'd be fine with him having the money.... 

I wish that I could be as open with a partner
as I can be with him... 

As of now, I still want to believe in the possibility of love, 
but I just.... Don't right now.... 
Been hurt way too much....

For one, not being able to just be open like I need to be....
Or having that openness returned....
Just everything I went through with M***....
That he put me through....
And he thought he could just do that to me
because "we weren't together."
And all of that was why we weren't. Among other things.... 

Not like I made it easy for him, either. 
Trying to figure things out.... 
When he could have just been upfront and told me everything. 

I have a friend in a similar situation.... 
She's seeing a guy who's still waiting for his wife
because they have joint finances or something.... 

And she asked him:
"If your wife wanted you back, would you just go back to her?"
And he said "It'd be a hard decision."
Who wants to be the second option?
The "mistress"?
Like "You'll do until I get back with my wife...."

And I've been through this, but... In my case.... 
I was told that it was over.... 
Which wasn't the case. 
I'd rather know what's really going on....

And it still bothers me that he still thinks
that I was involved with my friend, 
and that I'd lie about that. 
To someone I wanted to be with.... 
Who now questions everything I told him. 

But shouldn't I be questioning him?
Knowing everything I know now?
Where are my answers?
Where's my closure?
Where's my justice?

Maybe walking away is all the justice I need....
Not to stay stuck in a rut....
Wanting love from someone who just won't love me back. 
Who won't tell me the truth.... 
Who wants to run away like a coward....
Away from the lies he's told me
and whoever else.... 

And whatever he's said about me....

And I want to think that there's plenty of time for "love"
because maybe I'll find someone when I'm much older....
Who knows what they want....
Who will tell me what's going on....
Who won't lie to me.... 

And I need to figure out some stuff on my own. 
Without a guy in my life distracting me. 

I like the feeling of being in love.... 
It feels nice.... Until it doesn't. 
Until it feels like it's one-sided.... 
Until it feels like I can't talk about
the things I need to talk about.... 
Or get the understanding that I wish I had....
Or be understood.... It sucks... 
A mutual understanding would be awesome. 
Someone who listened to me would be awesome. 
Someone who didn't take me for granted would be awesome. 
Lots of things would be awesome. 

And who am I to have all those awesome things?
Like I don't get to have those.... 

And I want to believe in "love" but I just don't.... 
Right now.... I know what it isn't....

 Anyway, I am going out soon...