Nobody Does

Can I turn them off? Just be an ice Queen for the rest of my life?
And crawl into a hole somewhere far away from here?

My friend invited me over and her bf came over. 
We had dinner together and we played cards. 
I kept getting pounded by waves of anxiety and just
have not felt like myself in the last 3 years... 
And even then.... 
Just don't know how much of this I can take.... 
Most of the time I do not want to be here anymore
because I just FEEL AND FEEL AND FEEL AND FEEL....
AND THINK AND THINK AND THINK AND THINK....
WHICH HAS NOT BEEN HELPING ME.... 
And I don't want to feel this way.... 
For the rest of my life.... 
And think about these things over and over and over again....

C***** asked me....
"Are you willing to feel something else?"
Maybe being willing to feel something else
is opening myself to being able to. 
And I wish I could just shut it off. 
Like the only time I don't feel anything
is when I'm sleeping.... 
And I have to take pills to knock me out.... 

I used to sleep with the lights on for months.... 
Like it made me feel safer or something.... 
So I could wake up and look around
and see that I am alone... 
I dunno, how else to explain that.... 

I also play tarot videos to help me sleep.... 

Anyway.... I feel like I need to bury so many emotions.... 
Because being in my emotions is so f*cking hard right now. 
Too much has me REELING.... 
And I just.... Feel FROZEN.... 
Or I'm BURNING ON THE INSIDE..... 

I need to work on the emotional stability stuff. 
For my own sanity, at this point. 
I feel like I'm on the verge of going back to the hospital... 
Because I'm having a hard time, again. 
But how many times am I going to go back there?
Just to feel safe? A false sense of security?

Like I feel like running away... 
But as someone pointed out.... 
"Everywhere you go, anywhere.... There you are...."
So I can't run away from MYSELF..... 

I had a few talks with my friend tonight. 
She's like: "I've heard you, for the past month....
You jump from story to story to story, these three things....
Over and over again like a cycle....
You're allowed to just be in the moment
and not stress over the sh*t you have no control over...."
And I think part of what REALLY bothers me
is that I have no control over those things
and it makes me feel f*cking powerless.... 
It makes me feel like my life's falling apart... 
And in turn, I feel like I'm falling apart.... 
And I just feel like I'm going insane.... 

There are so many people who have to let go
of things and of people and connections
and everything that they wish they could hold onto.... 

There was a reply to one of my comments on a video called:
"Letting go of your adult children...."

One mother wrote: "Every time I made plans with my son, 
he'd cancel on me saying that something better came up!"

As a parent, you want to mean something to your child.

And there are so many parents who are LUCKY
that their children still love them
and they have great moments and make memories with them... 
And have that time together.... 

Unfortunately, my son has more stupid memories of me than good ones... 
He told me he doesn't have any good ones, like he can't remember. 

I remember moments we had together that were good. 
And it felt good being a mother. 
And felt good having him in my life.
And I really miss him and miss having that. 
I used to think we'd have a strong bond when he got older. 
And he realized that a lot of sh*t that happened wasn't my fault, 
and there was also a lot of sh*t that wasn't my choice. 
And I had a lot of learning to do and growing up to do.... 
Had I known then what I know now.... 
A lot would have been very different for him and I. 

A lot would be very different today, 
had things been different then.... 
Someone told me that. 
It kind of gave me a bit of relief, but at the same time.... 
I still wish things had been different then.... 
So that they could be different now.... 

Anyway, there are things he might realize as he gets older. 
But I don't have any control over what he realizes or doesn't.
Or how he feels about anything.

Tonight I went to play cards again.... 
My friend is going through a divorce....
And here I am... Never been married.....
And she was telling me it's better never to have been married
than being married and divorce..... 

And I guess.... I don't know what having to get divorced is like. 
When you get married, you're hoping it's forever... 
And it sucks breaking up, 
but it would probably suck more getting divorced.... 

But I keep thinking that I need to be single for now. 
Because I have a lot of sh*t on my plate
and I'm really emotionally unstable.... 
And I'm just f*cked up (for the lack of a better way to say it).

Like I must have racked up a lot of bad Karma
In a past life and in this life
for not doing and being what I was supposed to....
Being stubborn, selfish, and stupid... 

It seems I'm just continuously paying for it.
Over and over and over again.... 
All this bullsh*t.....
But this bullsh*t is their Karma, too. 
At least I hope so.... 
I don't like wishing it on anyone, 
but I'm just really tired of the bullsh*t. 
And if they dish it out to me, 
they can take it right back. 

But they won't be all like:
"I shouldn't have treated A*** the way I did...."
I wish that was the case, but they just dgaf about me.... 
Otherwise, they wouldn't have treated me like that
and I didn't have to allow it
and Idfk why I did.... 

It's like saying: "Cool, treat me however you want to.... 
I'll just suck it up and take some more of that...."

Like I'm so desperate to have people in my life
that I'll put up with that sh*t.... 
No, I'm not. No, I won't. 
Getting too old for this sh*t. Y'know?

Someone asked me:
"How much is enough?"
Like how much was I willing to take?

And it was like he was trying to break me down
to try to control me....
But it was like emotional abuse....
And I don't need that sh*t. 
"I'm capable of abusing myself... FFS."
I don't need anyone to do it for me....
I don't need anyone to try to bring me down.
And I shouldn't sink to their level. 
I didn't exactly lead by example. 
Or change my ways.... 

But I don't need to take that sh*t....
And have people try to make me feel like I'm not worth anything. 
If I am not valued, then they can live without me. 
I am very tired of trying, trying, trying, trying... 
For what? To go nowhere? To get nothing?
And it wasn't to get anything. 
But a little bit of credit and appreciation goes a long way.... 
Even a bit of recognition.... 

A friend sent me a message today
saying I should give myself credit for failing.... 
Because at least I'm trying.... 

But I don't enjoy failing.... 
Nobody does....