Closed Again

Started feeling sad, all over again. 
Someone I wanted to come back into my life, did, 
but communication was still f*cked up. 
And found out some things that I didn't know. 
But things he wasn't telling me.... 
And I was trying to keep my emotions out of it,
but I shouldn't have gone back to that. 
There are so many reasons why I should have just dropped it. 
And moved on from where it had been left... 
I had tried to leave it in a better place than where it was left. 
And then I felt like I was being played with some more.... 
Which I most likely was... 
And it just really sucked, a lot. 

And feel like there was more going on behind the scenes. 
I need to leave it alone.... 
Because I just can't anymore.
I really wanted to try, wanted it to work, wanted it to go somewhere.... 
He wasn't trying, or putting the work into it, and it went nowhere. 
And just felt like we were going around in circles. 
But I kept trying. I did. Until I couldn't anymore.
Until I wanted to trust and I couldn't anymore... 

I overlooked a lot of things. I really did. 
I over-invested... Over and over again. 
I guess I had hoped that the more I invested, 
I'd start getting it back, but I didn't. 
They'd see how hard I was trying and why. 
That I cared and that I wanted to be there... 
And I wanted him to care and want to be there... 
And there was a lot of nostalgia and secret wishes.... 
But I got to say the things I wanted to say....
That it took so long to say.... 
And I don't regret saying those things.... 

And I can't let it hurt when someone doesn't know how to be loved.... 
Or doesn't want to be loved.... 
Or doesn't want me to love them.... 
Or wants to be left alone.... 

And somehow, I lost myself in the trying,
the wanting to see it come back to me....
To feel that.... Finally. Y'know?
Hard to explain that.... 
I wanted to have my heart open... 
And I haven't been so open hearted like that for so long.... 
Like that was the first time I had felt anything
since my last relationship, 
but it was different because it felt different.
And then reasons came up that showed me
that I couldn't really trust my own heart.... 
Why did my heart lead me there?
What was the point in that?

And.... I can look at it as a catalyst. 
Because maybe that is what it was supposed to be.... 
Like the catalyst that got me to quit drinking.... 
Maybe this was the catatlyst I needed
to direct the love I wanted to pour out, to myself... 

I ended up feeling unappreciated. Unimportant. 
Like none of my effort was worth it......
I put in too much effort, was the issue......
Got crumbs, nothing more. 
Got led on, strung along.... Disappointed...
And then I think that I must have expected too much. 
For someone to love me back.... 
Who just couldn't. Wouldn't... 
Not the way I loved. Freely... Openly... Honestly...
But I did get impatient. Very. 
Because I didn't see it coming back to me... 
And I felt I wasn't even worth it... 

So I had to drop it, pull away... 
Even though I wanted that... To work out... In my favor....
But if it was a catalyst, then it was a catalyst....
To bring me somewhere else.

Then I wanted clarity, the truth... 
Just to make sense as to why things went the way they went... 

I wanted affection, attention, appreciation... 
Not a lot to want.... But from someone who can't give me that
or won't give me that.... Then I can retract my offer. 
I can move on, no matter how hard it is.... 

And it may not have been supposed to be about
what I thought it was about, at first. 
The last catalyst wasn't about what I thought it was. 
It was a push I needed to make changes that I needed. 
I needed that, though. 
To push me to make the decision that helped me
make a very big change in my life. 
That's what it ended up being about, 
not about the guy who pushed me in that direction... 
Not about having anything with him. 

It makes me think about trying to start a car. 
And the engine not exactly catching....
And people try and try and try to get it started, 
but it doesn't start and the car doesn't go anywhere. 
It wasn't for the lack of trying... 

So that is what it makes me think about.... 
It wasn't for a lack of trying, on my end. 
But it was that I tried too hard. 
Can flood an engine... I think that's what I did. 

Things happened the way they were supposed to...
Otherwise they would have gone some other way
and I wouldn't have got to learn what I needed to learn
or see what I needed to see.... 
About myself, and other things... 

It was just supposed to be a catalyst. 
And I guess I couldn't see that... 
Because all I could see was how I felt. 
And how I wanted to feel and why. 
Not all the other things that I could have seen
or the things I willingly ignored.... 

He looked past some things about me, too, though. 
I'm definitely not perfect. At all. Nobody is.... 

And even when we see things.... 
How are we to know what to do with those things?

We could get all kinds of tools and not know how to use them.... 

Kind of like how Ariel didn't know what a fork was.... 
Didn't know how to use her legs when she got them.... 
And the Sea Witch stole her voice... 
But Eric still loved her.... 
But not every dude is a Prince..... 
And that's not what I was looking for.... 

And there was something about 
falling in love with someone's potential.... 
What we "see" in them, 
opposed to what we see from them.... 
And there comes a time when we have to ask ourselves
if we are expecting too much....
Like if we are expcting "us" out of "them."
They are not us, they are them.... 

And then "Is expecting too much, selfish?"
Like having too high of expectations?
And that can be stressful for people.... 
Having someone expecting too much from them.... 
Instead of letting them be themselves.... 
But when they don't let you be yourself.... 
That's when they want you to be what they want you to be....
So it goes both ways...
Them expecting them from you.... 

And this is a decent reflection.... 
I can feel good about decent reflections. 
And sometimes we need time to think. 
About things that we need to think about... 
And we can have that time to think about those things
when we aren't focused on other things
to the point that we are not seeing "the forest for the trees" so to speak. 
Which was what was happening in this case. 
And I couldn't see that was happening. 
I was just too stuck in my head... For a really long time. 
Like obsessing over things I didn't have to obsess over.... 
But I was stuck in that and couldn't pull myself out of it.... 
So stuck in my head because I needed clarity that I wasn't getting... 

But.... There comes a question.... Why did I want what I wanted?
As much as I wanted that? To feel good? About myself?
To feel worthy of love? From the one I loved?
What was that about?
To love and be loved? Isn't that a natural desire?
But... It's not what will complete me.... 
I have to feel complete within myself, as myself, by myself.
And my heart is closed back up, again. 

It feels like I did when I ended the last relationship
and I started to move on from that. 
It took 3 years to get to a point where I thought it was okay
to open my heart again. So I did. 
And it was like a huge flood gate... Pouring out of emotions.... 
Like it was enough to drown someone.... 
It's not like me to just "BOOM" like that. It's not. 
For the most part, my heart's been closed, been so guarded. 
Wanted to focus on other things for a while....
And I see that I need to, again... 

And it only shows me that I'm not ready. 
Even though I thought I was. 
Feeling strongly doesn't make me ready. 
Feeling anything doesn't make me ready. 
Just because it's been a few years...
doesn't make me ready. 
I may not be ready for "love"
or what I've known "love" to be....
Or what I want "love" to be.... 
Even if I feel something I haven't felt in a really long time.... 
Feeling it doesn't mean I'm ready for it. 
Or even ready to express it in a way
that might be better received in the ways
that I'm used to expressing it.... If that makes sense....