Haunted

Been haunted so much by my past self.... 
Have friends tell me that I need to forgive myself and move on. 
It's not that easy to just move on... And leave certain people behind. 
Especially when things are not good with them
because of me and because I didn't do anything when I should have. 

There was some stuff about how we suffer
when we refuse to accept reality. 
This is not the reality I wanted, 
but I had a hand in creating it 
and this is my karma.

Because I didn't say anything or do anything
and I felt that there was nothing I could do
because people will think what they think. 
Only if they listened to me do I have a chance
at possibly changing their minds.... 

But yes, I hurt people. Not physically, but emotionally. 
And that stays with people for a long time. 
Even if they are willing to forgive, which most are not, 
that stays as a memory.... 
Unhealed is worse. 
Healing.... Forgiveness is a part of it,
but I'm pretty sure that there is more to it than that. 
Recognition of recognition. 
Awareness of awareness... 
But there is so much more to it than that.

I caused damage. I did that. 
By being selfish and not thinking. 
When we are younger, we have a tendancy not to think things though. 
I've been impulsive. Some people don't know or learn
how to control their impulses. That was me. 
They act and then think about it later. 
That was me, mostly in my teenaged years. And 20s.
Impulsivity also has a lot to do with alcoholism
and with BPD and those are not a good combo. 
Didn't know about the BPD until this year.

We have so many options and choices we could make, 
but unless we present them to ourselves, 
we run the risk of just acting impulsively. 
And self control is a thing, for sure.

There's also a difference between thinking of something
and thinking about something. 
And thinking of people and thinking about them. 
Versus thinking about what WE want
and what we think that we need. 
Often, the things we want are not what we need. 

And I wish 37 year old me could talk to 18 year old me....
Slap the sh*t out of 18 year old me.... 
"WTF are you doing?!"

I feel like the life I have right now
is the result of the life choices I made back then.... 

And people have been trying to tell me
that a lot of it is a "chemical imbalance in the brain.'
I don't really think they get it. 
Of course I'm sad. I have things going on that are sad. 
That are scary, that are horrific.... 
And I can't explain any of it to most people
who do not understand why I feel the way I feel. 
And that taking "meds" is not going to change the situation.

It's a lot of not having changed certain things
about myself that caused me to cause damage. In the past. 
Not seeing it because I refused to look at myself. 
And there are people out there
WHO KEEP REFUSING TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES
WHO REFUSE TO SEE THE DAMAGE THEY CAUSE.

If I looked at myself, honestly, and let this hit me.... 
Slapped myself in the face a long time ago.... 
Would I be here? In this situation?

But people keep telling me that I'm only ONE part of this. 
There are other parts. Like his father, his peers... 
Himself, his thoughts, ideas, beliefs... 
That I had nothing to do with. 
It wasn't ALL my fault and people have been trying to tell me this. 

Mothers get a hefty wrap for a lot of it. 
Because mothers are important. 
We are supposed to be the nurturing ones. 
And I wasn't doing what needed to be done as a mother. 
I only did what I knew how to do
and made and repeated mistakes... 
And FAILED MANY TIMES.
I've had a lot to learn and a lot to overcome, 
a lot to face, process, a lot of stuff.... 
But while I had that, I had a son
To love, and protect
and I didn't do a very good job at those things. 
He got exposed to a lot of toxicity. 
From me, his father, my family, from peers, from school.... 
Stuff online that he wasn't supposed to be looking at, 
that I didn't know he was looking at, 
but that was supposed to be my job, too. 
To be watching him like a hawk.... 

I mean, we can trust our kids to do what they know is right, 
but that does not mean that they will. 
Especially when their heads get filled with bullsh*t. 
Because he wasn't always like this... 
And the time he refused to speak to me....
It's easy for him to think I don't care about him
just because I'm not begging him to be in my life constantly.
Because there are only so many times you can call and get no answer. 
Or write and not get a reply.
No answer is an answer. 

And it's like I've been trying to be patient, 
but at the same time, he kept treating me that way
because I let him and I didn't know how to nab it in the bud. 
And his father wasn't telling him not to treat his mother that way. 
Because his father cares very little. 
Because we haven't been together for 16 years. 
And it didn't end well. 
And while we were together, I wasn't putting effort into us. 
I had stopped and I was trying to find validation elsewhere. 
Because I wasn't getting it from him. 
My son is not getting it from him, either. 
And it is hard when you are not getting validation from your parents.
Trying to get validation from peers.
Who will try to get us to do things to "fit in." 
I know this because I went without validation from mine. 
That is why relationships were important to me, at the time. 
I thought that all the validation I needed was from love. 
And I was looking for it, wherever I could, 
but I wasn't putting in the effort where I should have been. 

AND I WAS YOUNG, I WASN'T SEEING THIS.

But this is why sex stopped being important to me. 
Because I was using it for validation, and I don't neeed to do that. 
I'm okay with myself in that regard, it's the past haunting me.... 
And the present haunting me, and fear of the future haunting me. 
Like Saturn and Pluto kicking MY @SS! 
WITH JUPITER IN THE MIX. 
JUST TO MAGNIFY IT.
IT'S SO MUCH IN MY FACE THAT THERE IS NO:
"JUST FORGIVE YOURSELF, A***, 
MOVE ON, A***, 
PUT THIS BEHIND YOU, A***...."

Like this is what I'm facing and they want me to just
try to put it behind me. Just like that....
But it's not like that....

I get that "beating myself up" over things in the past
is not going to help me. I've learned and that should be enough, 
but I'm still being haunted. I wake up to this. It is reality. 
And even though I didn't verbally ask for this, 
it was like I asked for it by being stupid 
and by "sweeping so much under the rug"
that now I have a f*cking mountain. 
That is what happens when things are not addressed. 
And a lot of things go unaddressed
because we don't know how to address them. 
And when we try to, it seems that people don't listen. 
Because they don't want to..... 
So then, how do we get through to them?
How do we get the messages accross?
How do we teach in ways that they want to learn? From us?
When kids think that their parents don't f*cking know anything?
Because they acted like they didn't or don't?
Because they were drunk or high?
Because they didn't know what to do at the time?
So they didn't do or say anything?
Because they didn't know what to say?

Just because they didn't know what to say, at the time, 
doesn't mean that nothing should be said.... 
And even if you say something, will it fall on deaf ears?
Will kids still think they know everything?
Until they get older and realize
that there's a sh*tload to learn?
And then it gets kind of overwhelming
because sh*t that they should have been taught
a long time ago, they have to either teach themselves
or they have to find someone willing to teach them.... 
And they risk looking like a f*cking idiot.... 
Because what they needed was something they didn't have, at the time. 

Maybe we go through sh*t to learn things
about how things really are.... 
So that maybe we can grow from it
and make changes (that are not easy to learn)
that are not easy to grow from....
Not easy to face. 
This is why it is being thrown in my face, now. 
And not everyone sees it. 
The error of their ways, the ways were toxic. 
The reality behind the reality. 

And the suffering supposedly is from refusing to accept it. 
When we are unwilling to see it, we don't see it, 
we don't look at it.... We don't learn the lessons... 
But at some point we become victims of our own mentality. 
Even when it is easy to blame everything and everyone else. 
We don't see that it was US.
How we thought, how we think, 
What we think about, what we don't think about... 
When there's no "food for thought" we starve. 
We don't get the knowledge and wisdom that really could have helped us. 

And now it's like I'm begging GOD to come in and solve my problems
because I don't know how to solve my own problems, 
problems that I helped create.... 

And GOD's like.... NOW you see?! NOW you know?!
And what did it have to take, A***?!
For the Universe to KICK YOUR @SS?!
FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU STARTED?
SEE WHAT YOU CREATED?
BY GOING THE WRONG WAY?
FOR WANTING THE WRONG THINGS?
FOR THINKING THE WAY YOU THOUGHT?
THAT IT WAS JUST OKAY TO WANT, NEED, LOOK FOR
VALIDATION FROM PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T RESPECT YOU?
YOU KEPT BEING TEMPTED BUT NOW YOU WANT MY HELP?

AND WE THINK THAT IF WE ARE REALLY SORRY....
SINCERELY AND GENUINELY SORRY
FOR EVERYTHING....
THAT GOD MIGHT FORGIVE US, 
EVEN IF EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS AT US
LIKE WE ARE SUCH BAD SINNERS.... 
WHO DO NOT DESERVE MERCY OF ANY KIND
BECAUSE WE WERE NOT MERCIFUL
IN OUR SELFISHNESS.... OUR GREED....

LOOKING THE WRONG WAY, AND CROSSING THE STREET
EXPECTING NOT TO GET HIT BY A CAR....
BASICALLY WHAT IT'S LIKE.... 

EXPECTING THE CAR TO SEE US AND THE DRIVER TO JUST STOP FOR US....
AND JUST LET US CROSS WHEN WE WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO CROSS.

This is why there are crosswalks, because there's a time to cross
and a time not to cross.... 

There's a such thing as timing and there were things
that it wasn't time for.... 
And things that it wasn't supposed to be time for. 
And I thought it was just okay to drink
and that nothing would come of that. 
And that nothing would come of me not being there. 
That my son would turn out okay
because I've gone though a lot of sh*t
and I'm not WELL adjusted, but I adjusted, 
the best that I could.... 

BUT I AM NOT INNOCENT. 
I BECAME TAINTED BY NEGATIVITY, AND BULLSH*T. 
MY SON DID, TOO. 
HE USED TO BE INNOCENT. 
HE USED TO PICK ME FLOWERS. 
I USED TO SING HIM SONGS AND READ HIM STORIES. 
WE USED TO GO FOR LONG WALKS TOGETHER AND TALK. 

BUT THEN I STARTED F*CKING UP. 
I F*CKED UP A LOT. BETWEEN HIM AND I. 
I REALLY DO NOT KNOW IF I CAN EVER FIX IT. 
BECAUSE I GOT SCARED AND LET FEAR TAKE ME OVER. 
BECAUSE THERE WAS A BUNCH OF STUFF GOING ON
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT....
ON TOP OF ME F*CKING UP WHICH WASN'T HELPING ANYTHING. 
OR ANYONE... NOT HIM, NOT MYSELF. 

The thing is that our ego will try to convince us
that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing
when there actually is.... 

There was something in ACIM....
"The ego is always alert to threat, 
and the part of the mind that the ego was accepted,
is very anxious to preseve its reason as it sees it...."

"It does not realize that it is totally insane
and you must realize what this means if you are to be restored to sanity."

"The insane preserve their thought systems, 
but they do it so insanely...."

"And all their defenses are as insane as what they are supposed to protect."

"It is essential to realize that all defenses do what they defend."
"Their underlying effectiveness is that they offer what they defend."

"Defenses operate to make you think you can."

And it is basically talking about the ego defending itself. 
And I also heard somewhere that the ego is protection from pain. 
Which makes me think that it is protection from the pain of realization. 
Because there are some truths that are pretty painful to realize. 
That things are not the way we thought they were, etc. 
That we keep walking into the same traps
screaming: "Get me out of here!"
And even if we find a way out of the trap, 
and see the trap as a trap.... 
Do we then know better and know enough to get out of it?
How to stay out of it?

And if we can see the traps.... 
Do we have enough time to warn others of the same traps?
And if they don't listen to us?
Because they think we are "crazy"?
Do they learn? Or walk into the same trap?
And if they are constantly told that we are "crazy"
or whatever about us.... 
They are prone to looking at us that way.... 
And why listen to a "crazy" person?

And I keep thinking that letting go and moving on
is like pretending that this hasn't happened 
or isn't happening, but it has and is. 
I was still the person I used to be. 
When I didn't know any better. 

And it's like: "Well, nobody told me...."
We can use that as an excuse for not knowing.... 
But there's a lot I wasn't told by my parents, 
that I had to find out and figure out by myself.... 
And I learned by life kicking my @ss.... 

We kick our own @sses by falling into traps. 
The toxic ideas and beliefs we pick up.... 
They are just traps to have us thinking a certain way....
And to keep us thinking that way.... 

There are only a few people who will read this and understand.... 
Most won't get this.... The majority are trapped
in their ways of thinking, their ideas, and beliefs.... 
And there's only so much we can do to pull them out of the trap, 
because they keep going there. 
No matter how many times we want them to STOP.

AND IF WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING HAS NO VALUE
WHAT VALUE WILL IT HAVE TO US?

WHEN PEOPLE VALUE THEIR OPINIONS MORE?
THAN ALMOST ANYTHING ELSE?

AND I CAN ONLY WRITE ABOUT THIS SO MUCH
BECAUSE THE ONES I WISH I COULD REACH
WON'T EVER SEE THIS OR READ IT.

Sometimes people who read this, talk to others about it. 
I've been told a couple times that my messages got across. 
I never expected that, but I appreciate it.
That it makes some sense, and that it has helped. 

But I am still struggling a lot. 
I mean, it is one thing to become self-aware, 
and how we come across to others, 
but another thing to cope, and to live, to accept, 
to change what we can about ourselves
whether anyone sees the changes or not. 
Or believes that we have changed.... 

What do we do with the things that we become aware of?
What do we do with what comes to our attention?

It's one thing to just live in our bubble, 
trying to take care of ourselves....
Trying to just live for ourselves.... 
Regardless of how we wish things could be and were.... 
Regardless of how we wish we weren't... 

I'm so haunted.... Daily. 
All these hopes and fears and all the sadness, and pain, 
grief, guilt, shame, etc.... All of it....
Swimming around in my head, endlessly. 

And I keep having fears that it is only a matter of time
before someone gets hurt and that it is my fault
because I don't know how to stop it from happening. 
And I thought that notifying the police was enough, but it's not
and that may not have been the way to go at all.... 

And most people do not get it because they are not in my shoes. 
And some people might say: "What if?!"
Deal with things when or if they happen.... 
But when we don't want something bad to happen.... 
And we feel like it was supposed to be up to us to stop it.... 

And what if we fail? What if despite our best efforts.... 
Sh*t happens that is beyond our control?
Then what?! WHAT?!

Bad sh*t can happen to good people, too. 
But when we constantly do bad sh*t and think it's okay.... 
And we choose to do it even though we know it's not okay.... 
We have to pay for that in some way. 
Like there's some part of our brain
that is like impulse mode.... It's not good. 
It catches up to us eventually. 
Every stupid thing we did without thinking... 
Every mistake we mad or bad choice we made.... 
It comes back.... 

And even when we don't do those things.... 
Sh*t can happen. 
Even when we used to do those things.... 
AND STOP DOING THEM....
SH*T CAN HAPPEN.... 

AND OUR WHOLE LIFE AND WORLD CAN CHANGE
BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE
AND WHAT THEY DID WITHOUT THINKING....

Like my son thinks that I tried to ruin his life
when I'm only trying to get him help.... 

And I've needed help to get him help. 
But he has to see that he needs it, he doesn't. 
His dad is refusing to see that he does
and that he may have something to do with why he does.... 
As much as I do or more.... 
He does not want to take any blame for anything. 
I am taking the blame, but still don't know what to do with it. 
Or what to do about this situation that might help, 
that might make all the difference.
That might change the outcome....

Because something might act like an interceptor. 
And I think that was what I was supposed to be, 
but I didn't know what to say or to do. 

I eada sign somewhere that silence is compliance. 
I'm not complicit in this to the point that I agree with it, I don't. 
It's dark, I've been scared, I don't know what to do. 
And even if I knew what to do, could I do it?
I'm thinking that it's going to take much more than just me. 
Because I lost his respect over time. 
Once respect is lost, it is so hard to regain. 
Just like trust.... 

Could things turn around?

One of my friends was saying "You don't know how things will be."
"Things can change." They have, but it hasn't been good. 
My son's been influenced by GOD knows who....
Not only by his father, but by others.... Peers.... 
People he's wanted to be friends with....
People who corrupted his mind.... 
And his own beliefs.... 
Beliefs can change but it takes a lot. 

And a lot of the time, I approach things in a way that does not work.... 
Which just makes me regret things even more.... 
And makes things a lot harder.... 

My son needed someone on his side. He thinks I'm against him. 
I'm against the things he's told me, the things he's said.... 

And sometimes I think that rejection is protection. 
But I'm not completely protected. 
I'm still in this, still a part of this. 
This still affects me. 
And people telling me to do "mindful exercises"
Take deep breaths..... 
Go for a walk.... 
Try to clear your mind.... 
Try to put this behind you....
How can you put something behind you that you are facing?
Just stop facing it? Just LET something happen?
Because there isn't anything I can do now
that I sacrificed my relationship with my son?
Because I was told to go to the police?
who can't do ANYTHING about this?

Because that's not what the police do....
But I still had to say something regardless
Like damned if I do, damned if I don't.
And like everything I do has an opposite effect. 

And I wasn't thinking that back then. 
But I see it now.