For Myself

I came to the conclusion that it is okay
to keep my heart closed, for now. 
To "hibernate" for a while, while I heal. 
It's been a long time in coming. 

I also came to the conclusion that the last experience
was a catalyst because it can't be anything else. 
A lot of damage was done.... 
So I can't pretend that it wasn't
or pretend that I'm "okay"
when it wasn't okay. Not cool.  

I've got my therapy stuff coming up. 
Once a week, the group sessions. 
Then once a week meeting with a therapist. 
And then.... Been trying to get a psychiatrist. 

A lot of the work, I have to do on my own. 
So it's okay to spend time on my own.... 
To try to balance out my own energy....

"When you change how you think, 
you can change how you feel..."

For the most part, it's not just the thinking
or state of mind.... It's the state of the nervous system. 

My anxiety is through the roof.... Worse than it's ever been...
And that f*cks with the state of my nervous system.
Been feeling really burnt out from it. 
It gets so bad that it sucks my energy.
Because I get so overwhelmed....

I was watching a video where the lady was saying that
your emotions can get trapped in your body. 
Which makes sense if you don't process your emotions
or know how to process how you feel.... 
It is energy that gets trapped in your body. 

Since energy can have mass or mass is energy.... 
That's where we hold the most tension. 
That's why we feel a lot better after knots are worked out.... 
Sometimes we don't realize how much tension we are holding onto
until it is released.... 
Kind of like how we don't know how much we are holding inside
until it is released.... 

I haven't cried in a long time.... 
I don't really remember when the last time I cried was. 
I cried when I was really worried about my son.... 
I've cried a bit because this has been so painful. 
But I rarely cry anymore so stuff just sits there, 
under the surface.... Doesn't get expressed. 
Crying is a form of expression. 
The tears are expressed. 

Kind of like when mothers breastfeed, the milk is "expressed."
Same with tears... Can't explain it other than that.... 

It's been an emotional rollercoaster and the only way to get off it
was to get off it and go my own way. 
Because that is what I needed to do for myself. 

"You can't heal if you keep going back to what hurt you."
Someone told me that. It makes sense. 

Today, I got a huge package of more DBT stuff.... 
I haven't looked at it, yet.
It's a lot of stuff to cover. 
It's supposed to be for 6 months.... The group/therapy.... 

The day hospital stuff didn't exactly help me.... 
They just put some stuff together
and talked about it for a couple hours each day... 
The way they did it wasn't exactly helpful. 
So I'll give this therapy a shot, but the way they are doing it
isn't exactly helpful. We all learn differently
so expecting us to all learn the same way
isn't going to work for everyone. 

DBT is only once a week.... 
It's been a busier week than usual.
V****** wants to go out sometimes
and she asked me to come over a couple times for cards
with her and her boyfriend. 
I guess she's trying to get me out of my head
about M*** and about my son. 
It's really hard not to think about the things that are bothering me. 
I end up getting so much anxiety that I feel like I could puke.... 

Then when it gets too much I have to leave and go for a walk. 
It's usually late by the last hand of cards
and I walk home... Not the best neighborhood
to be out late at night by myself. 

A few times, in the past, when I used to drink....
I'd ask a guy to walk with me to get me home safely. 
There were times they did that and it was nice of them. 
Been a lot more cops in the area lately. 
Probably because of the gang situation in the projects nearby. 
Bloods and Crips. One on one side of the street, the other on the other. 
I just get past that point as smoothly as I can.... 
And the rest of the way home is fine. 

For the most part, I stay indoors at night. 
Especially because the area is known to be a gangland.... 
Not in this direct vacinity, but close by.... 

Although there have been at least a couple shootings
in broad daylight.... 

Someone got shot at the corner store at 3pm.... 
3 times in the back..... 
That's what I heard through the grapevine.... 
Was at least a few years ago.... 

This stuff doesn't usually happen here. 
Not everyone has a gun, but those who do....
Gang bangers aren't going to register their guns....
So the gun registry isn't as effective as it was supposed to be... 

A lot of inner work that I need to do.... 
A lot of pain is still there, that I've been fighting.... 
Stuffing it down and trying to pretend it's not there
isn't healing.... It's just trying to keep fighting it....

Like tearing off the scab and letting it bleed...
It's not healing it. 
And wounds can get infected.... 
Which makes it harder to heal and more painful....

But I have to let go.... 
A friend said it's a gift....
This time by myself.... Alone....
The lessons I've been learning, 
the things I've been seeing about myself
through these experiences. 
Even the things I really don't like about myself
and behaviors I have that I could stand to change.... 

DBT is behavioral therapy.... 
This stuff should be taught in schools....
And at home.... 

But like I was saying before.... Everyone learns differently....
It's one thing to learn the theory behind it, 
but it's different when attempting to apply things.... 
We have our "go to" reactions.... 
Even when we "know" better.... 

Another thing I thought about:
Is how can I help others with the things I need help with?
I can only help some get to where I've got, 
if they are willing to and wanting to climb.... 

There are things we can't control, some things we can. 
Whether or not others realize some things that we wish they would.... 
Whether or not others see some things that we wish they would.... 
But are they able to?
Do they have the capacity to realize those things?
Do they have the capacity to have the capacity....
Because if they have the capacity to have the capacity....
Then they have the ability to expand.... 
And for that, they have to be open.... Open to it. 

There was something someone was saying
where we have to be open to something 
then and only then can we receive it. 
If we are closed to it, we can't receive it. 
Like a matter of being aligned with it....

But, if I'm honest with myself, there was a lot to learn
from my interactions with M*** and with others. 
There have been patterns I wasn't seeing. 
And even when we can see them.... 
Seeing them and knowing how to change them
are two different things.... 
AND wanting to change, for the better.... 

Was thinking about change when I went to the beach today.... 
A lot of people ae not good with change. It feels uncomfortable....
Until we get comfortable with it. 

Like how we move to a new place.... 
It can trigger anxiety and take a while to become comfortable
in the new space.... 

It's hard to let go, too. 
For an example.... I've lived here for 16 years....
I don't know what it might be like to live somewhere else....
I'd have to get used to it and feel comfortable somewhere else....
It'd be a big change for me, but a change I will have to face....

I have to let go and it's been hard. Really hard.... 
Especially when I wanted to keep holding on....
Onto what? Doing things the same way I was doing before?
Which obviously wasn't working.... 

D*** had told me that it's all in the approach
and often, we take the wrong approach
and I'm guilty of this....
I've taken the wrong approach, many times....

But we can't expect the people we want to invest in
to invest in us, the same as we would in them....
Especially when they aren't always invested in their own growth....

It's easy to fall back to our old ways
because it's comfortable.... 
But a lot of it is self-sabotaging stuff. 
I've seen a lot of it in myself when I was interacting with M***.
After the fact.... After I've already said some things
that I shouldn't have said or done things I shouldn't have done....

Like I want to be open and honest and spill my heart....
And as much as others are also looking for that....
Not a lot of people can handle that. 
And people who are not used to spilling their hearts....
They aren't used to others doing it, either. 

And I've considered that often, the things we want
are also things that scare us.....

Kind of like "Be careful what you wish for."
"Well, isn't it that what you wanted?"
Not quite.... Close, but not this. 
Or not like this, or this way.... 

And sometimes we should be glad that the things
we wanted to work out didn't....
Because it opens the pathway to new experiences etc. 
And with those come new lessons. 
And sometimes they are the same lessons
that we didn't learn the first few dozen times....
Like the Universe saying:
"Let me teach you THIS way....
Maybe A*** will see it THIS time...."

I dated a guy who was hard to talk to....
I kept trying to explain things to him that he didn't understand.
So I kept trying different ways to tell him
to see if it would finally click
to see if he'd GET it....
But then he'd accuse me of lying
because my "story" kept changing.... 
But it was the way I was trying to tell him that kept changing. 
It wasn't WHAT I was telling him, but how.... 
Because if he got it the first time, he'd understand....
Or so I thought....
But apparently, I am not in control of who understands what
and who doesn't.... 

So it gets me thinking that it doesn't matter how many times
I try to tell someone something
or how many ways I try to tell them....
If they do not understand, they do not understand.... 
And I cannot force anyone to understand something
that they clearly do not understand.... 

And there have been a lot of misunderstandings in my life. 
And of course, I feel better when I'm understood....
And what I'm trying to get across is understood.... 

On here, I can write out something that makes sense to me, 
but I can't expect it to make sense to everyone who reads it. 
Like I can't expect people to understand me, where I'm coming from.... 
Where I'm going with something.... 

It would be awesome to be understood all the time....
Just to have that understanding with everyone, everywhere.... 
And not put in so much effort trying to explain myself
because it seems like the more I try to explain myself, 
or my ideas, thoughts, why I feel the way I feel, etc....
It just seems like the more people misinterpret my explanations....
And still end up with the wrong idea about me....
Which just makes me want to explain more.... 
And they may easily misinterpret that.... Too....
And the misinterpretation is what leads to misunderstandings.... 
This is a big barrier because my verbal communication isn't great.... 

Like most of the things I've shared on this blog.... 
I've only been able to share because I'm writing it. 
To say it, that is different.
I can write long posts, but when it comes to talking in person, 
I'm usually pretty quiet.... I hold a lot in, so I write and write and write. 
Because that is my primary method of communication/expression. 
When it comes to having to say something....
Idk wtf to say.... And opt to not say anything.
Even when I need to say something.... 
And should....
Especially when nobody else is saying anything....
But not many people like hearing the truth....
Especially when it's about them....
And makes them look bad.... 

Not everyone wants to and does reflect on their past behaviors....
Not many people want to look at themselves....
They don't want to see their role.... 
They don't want to admit they are wrong....
That what they are doing is wrong....

But we can learn a lot about ourselves when we reflect on ourselves. 
Through how we act, think, feel, behave.... Do things....
The wrong approaches we take.... 
The wrong moves we make....

"Doing things in the exact same way, and expecting different results...."
Is the definition of insanity.... 

And I've been reacting to things in the same ways
and getting the same results....
Still reacting to different emotions that come up....
Like frustration.... And upset.... Pain....
Trauma stuff.....

Sometimes I want to talk about issues I have....
But I can't force people to want to talk about it with me....
In a mature/respectful way....
They'd rather frustrate me to the point
that I walk away from them so they don't have to deal with the issue. 
That they don't want to deal with it....
Whether they don't want to, or can't..... Or just won't....
It's not up to me to deal with everyone's issues for them. 
Just like it's not up to anyone to deal with my issues for me....
How would they learn anything? How would I?
And the lesson is how to deal with an issue....

And a lot of times I ask for advice, but get sh*tty advice....
And only realize that it was sh*tty advice 
after I made the mistake of taking the advice....

"Usually, it is the thing we least want to do
that we are here to learn about...."
Like reflecting.... Thinking about what it is about US
that is part of the problem and WHY....
And what we can stand to change.... Within us....

I had to choose myself, over what I wanted for so long....
But I still didn't want to walk away. 
Even when I've been pushed away over and over again. 
If someone wants you in their life, they'd try to draw you in, closer.
Like invite you, include you etc. Initiate....

But even the ones who invite, include, initiate....
Want to be invited, included, and want others to initiate....
Even initiate a conversation....
Reciprocation....

And I've seen some things about myself....
About how I've reacted and acted....
When I didn't get what I wanted....
When things didn't go the way I wanted them to go....
How it affected how I interacted with people
and it affected the over all interaction.... 

And those things.... I wouldn't have looked at before. 
Even when people were pointing things out to me, 
I'd get mad and defend my poor choices.... Myself....
Because I didn't want to admit I was wrong
and didn't want to admit I'm the problem. 
Or my part in creating the issue. 
Even the issues that are my issues...

"What is the issue? Why is this an issue?
How do we address this issue?"

And we have to address our own issues....
If we don't know how.... We need to get help.

And that's where we stop ourselves....
How often do we reach out for help?
And who can we reach out for help to?
CAN THEY HELP US?
CAN THEY SHOW US HOW TO HELP OURSELVES?
WILL WE LET THEM HELP US?
CAN WE TRUST THEM ENOUGH
TO REVEAL OUR ISSUES?

Often, it's our issues that create other issues....
But how often do we think about that?
How often do we get real with ourselves?
"If I didn't have this issue, would I have these other issues?"

Like if I could speak up for myself....
Would people treat me the way they do?
Would they look at me the way I do?

If I had certain abilities, would I have certain issues?
Is the issue the fact that I don't have this ability?

And the inner issues..... That I've struggled with....
Has caused other issues....
For myself and others.... Or both.

Especially communication issues.... 
And misunderstandings, and just.... 
When someone is committed to misunderstanding you, 
they aren't trying to understand.... 
They'll keep thinking what they think....
Without trying to gain another perspective.... 
When you look at something a different way, 
you can see it differently.... 

"When you change the way you look at it, 
you change what you see...."

And there are some things that we miss, that we don't see. 
At the time.... 
I could have dealt with the situation differently. 
And I have some pain from things to release.... 
Not even sure how.... 

I could have approached things differently,
but apparently, I have impulses.... 
And I have old habits. 
Like approaching things the way I have before
when I was upset about something.... 
And obviously that didn't work out so well.... 
So why do I keep doing it?
Because how I feel is valid?
Because I want an apology?
Because I want someone to recognize how I feel?
Why I feel the way I feel?

Would it be cool if I did that to them?
Would they not feel the same way I felt?
Maybe wouldn't react the same way, though.... 
And I don't like how others react to me most of the time.... 

I've wanted to spend more time alone lately.... 
It seems that the more people want to spend time with me, 
the more I want to spend time alone.... 
So I can do things that I want to do.... 

I've thought about some people
and felt like I was missing out.... 
On not being with them.... 

And there are times I knew it wasn't going to work... 
And I kept wanting it to work.... 
Kept trying, but not making many changes on my end...
Wanting different results....
But they didn't either, and wanted different results.... 

I miss some things but really don't miss other things.... 
The things I miss make me want to hold on, 
but the things I really don't miss
are the reasons I have to let go.... 

And my emotions were too strong, anyway. 
I couldn't properly disconnect. 
And I didn't want to walk away.... 
Because, deep down, I felt like there was something there
that was worth trying for, to bring it out.... 

But I have to, to heal from these things
that not only created some deep wounds, 
they opened wounds that were already there... 
F***ed with my head and my insecurities. 

Part of me wants a new beginning. A new start.... 
But I'm not ready because I've had my things to learn
from the past experiences.... 
My own actions, reactions, etc.... 
And so do they, but they don't want to take from their role in it.
Because they repeat the same mistakes, too. 
And there comes a time when it's a choice....
Not an "Oops! I didn't mean that!"
Maybe a "whoops! Wrong choice!"

But I want to talk about things that bother me. 
I want to be allowed to bring things up. 
Even when they don't want to hear it or talk about it... 
To address things, issues, without the defense.... 
That helps me get over things. 
"I hear you." "I understand." "I get it."
Just clean, clear, communication. 
"I don't like this because...."
"Stop doing this...."
"I'm having an issue with this because...."

And just have a mature, conversation....
About the things that need to be discussed. 
Have a straight up discussion. 
It doesn't have to be a fight....
Between two people who want to do their best
to save what they have and build on it to make it better. 
The easier it is to talk, the easier it is to talk.... 
And isn't it better when you can just talk?
About anything? Everything?
Without someone popping off?

I grew up around people who "don't want to hear it."
And they get defensive whenever I tried to bring something up. 
So I never got to bring things up or talk about things. 
And I really don't want or need a relationship like that.... 
No matter how much I love the person... 
I'd rather have the simplicity, honesty, open hearted convos... 
Just easy communication... 
Discuss it, so we can drop it. 

Doesn't that sound easy? Sound good?
Sound ideal? Why can't it be that way?

And when someone's all up in their ego....
It's harder for them to communicate with them.... 
Because they already think they are right
and won't entertain another point of view.... 

I know this. I've been up in my ego, at times. 
There were times I needed to be TOLD....
THIS is how it is.... 
And I had to be ready to LISTEN....
Because you can tell someone a billion times....
If they "don't want to hear it" they won't
and it won't matter if you try to tell them a billion more times.... 

I'd just be nice if they listened and heard you the first time.... 
And remembered what you said....
And gave it some thought.... 
And realized some things after thinking about what you said.... 
Reflected on it, what they were saying, how they were being.... 
Thinking about everything.... 

I don't want to be the girl who keeps going back to "f*cktardia"
just because it'd be nice to have a warm body to sleep next to, 
or a "decent" conversation, or companionship.... 

But I don't want someone coming back to me
because they ran out of options.... 
Or because they realized the one they chose wasn't the one for them. 
And yeah, I f*cked up opportunities I could have had
because I allowed too much sh*t
and thought that things would be different the next time... 
Just because I've been waiting
just like they left me.... F*ck that.... 

Y'know what I mean?

Coming around because he's ending something with someone else.... 

Even if he was ending it to come towards me.... 
I'd have to know it was really over and he really actually wanted to be with me.... 
But who wants to be a rebound?

Like I don't want it to take something happening to them....
For them to see that I have some value.... 

And guys don't want that either.... 
Like "A***, you want to take that dumpster fire for another spin?
Good luck with that...."

Someone once told me:
If you don't figure out what you want.... 
You'll keep going from pillar to post.... 
BUST BUST BUST....

And a lot of people have baggage, not just me.... 
And a lot of people bring that baggage into new relationships.... 
And it can affect a lot within the relationship.... 

I'm aware of it. I can see how my stuff is my stuff, though. 
And I'd rather people know, early on...
So they can make an educated choice.... 

And I'm at the point that I'd rather deal with my stuff
than anyone deal with me and my stuff.... 
If it's heavy for me, then it's heavy for them.... 
And sometimes we don't realize how heavy it is
for someone else to carry our stuff
because we've been carrying our stuff for so long.... 

"Just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it's not heavy..."
And it gets really f***ing exhausting carrying really heavy stuff....
For many years.... 
I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders. 
One of my friends helps me sometimes.... 

Feels like I've been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders... 
Sometimes, when the tension is gone, it feels so good... 

It's to the point, that I'd rather carry it alone.... 

If I met a guy who was the kind of guy I was wanting... 
A good communicator who had a romantic side.... 
Been wanting romance for so long.... 
That I don't even know how I'd react to it.... 

Like when a guy came back after f*cking me around....
He told me he missed me and wanted to see me....
But I didn't know how to respond to it
because there were so many times I told him I missed him
and wanted to see him and he basically told me to gf myself....
Like don't make yourself available every time they want to see you.
Especially when they aren't available to see you.... 
I get that life gets in the way, sometimes, 
but at least talk about wanting to see each other
and not treat it like a chore to see each other....
Nobody wants to feel like that....
Or it's a chore to just be nice to each other....
Why even bother? WHY?!

But why did I want to be with someone
who clearly didn't want to be with me?
Who wasn't making the effort for me? WHY?!

I guess I think about relationships.... 
But I'm also thinking about healing from a lot of stuff.... 

I guess I don't want to be an old woman one day....
And have regrets that I didn't stay to try to work things out.....
Or have regrets that I stayed too long trying to work things out
that were not going anywhere.... 
Or think about "the one who got away...."
Or be sad about all the missed opportunities.... 
Because whatever it was couldn't get off the ground.... 
Because of my compulsive behaviors.... 
My habits.... Impulses.... 
Indecision, too... 
Like normally, we'd run tf away from the dumpster fires of our lives.... 
And the big piles of burning sh*t.... 
From the @ssholes out there.... 
Who acts like their sh*t doesn't stink. 
Who acts like they can sh*t on you and you're good with it.... 

I'M NOT GOOD WITH IT. OKAY?! FFS! ENOUGH!!!

I don't want a guy to buy me things. 
Emotional support is the best gift.... 

It's not that hard to figure me out.... 
I am not "high maintanence."
I don't require a lot and I can't even expect a lot..... 
But there are some things that I really do not need in my life. 
And there were a lot of things that I overlooked.... 
Looked past.... 

"Everyone sh*ts but don't gotta sh*t on me."
FOR REAL....

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET TOO OLD.... 
LIKE 80 YEARS OLD....
AND JUST "STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR...."
BUT I'M ALMOST HALF WAY THERE..... 

But I don't want to just.... Get with someone
Just because we are getting old.... 

But guys don't like being "b*tched" at.... 
And chicks don't like when a guy is being a d*ck.... 
So it seems like an impasse. At times....
Like the more they are being "b*tched" at
the more they keep being a d*ck.... 

And when do I realize: "This sh*t's not working...."?
And when do I realize WHY sh*t's not working?
Part of it is because of MY sh*t.... 
Part of it is THEIR sh*t....
Sometimes people do not have their sh*t together....
Sometimes we don't.... 
And we can't come together until we do.... 
And it can't happen unless people WORK
on getting their sh*t together.... 

And sometimes we want to get together
when we don't have our sh*t together....
Because those feelings feel nice when they come up.... 
But how long does it last?

I needed to let it go before, a long time ago. 
And then I needed to just thank him for his half assed apology...
And just kept moving on. Instead of dragging myself backwards....
Thinking.... Wondering what could have been.... 

And just knowing what was is supposed to be good enough.... 
I mean if sh*t was supposed to work out, it would have, right?

And I lost other opportunities.... 
And don't know what could have been.... 
Because I was stuck in "f*cktardia."

"Look at what happened...."
Like I'm in denial or something.... 

And a lot of people can't stand when I'm hopeful... 
Like I'm supposed to be "realistic."

And I have a bad habit of holding on when I ought to let go.... 
And when I let go, I often regret it.... 
Because I keep thinking: "I had a chance!
Now I don't have it because I gave up..."

But I'm about knowing my value.... 
"Don't stay with someone who doesn't treat you well."

I was seeing a guy who told me that his ex
treated him like an afterthought.... 
But he was always up her @ss.... 
Like he wanted her to love him 
but she just dgaf.... 
And saying things like: "She's only nice when she wants something."
BUT telling me that all girls are the same.... 

It bothered me that I could see she was using him... 
That he kept allowing it, 
and he was p*ssed off at her, but tried taking it out on me.... 
And this was part of why it wasn't working
between him and I.... 
There's a bunch of stuff.... 
Things that don't jive with me, 
and I had some tendencies that f*cked me.... 
Tendencies I don't f*cking need.... 
Because they keep f*cking me.... 
Or rather I end up f*cking myself
because I have those tendencies.... 

I reflected a lot on the loss and I felt sad about it... 
All the good things and it was painful... 

But was it a loss? Was it?
Or did I lose what I wanted that I didn't get?

But I didn't have to "voice" everything.... 
Or give up so fast.... 

But I have to look at how I feel.... 
"Have faith in what is yet to come...."

"You don't have to have blind faith
in someone who made you feel a certain way..."

And been complacent with my feelings
like I pretend like it doesn't hurt, when it really f*cking does.... 
And when I try to explain what hurt and why.... 
It's not to make them feel bad for hurting me, 
it's so they GET IT.... FINALLY.... 

And it's about creating comfort and stability for myself... 
Creating a new life for myself.... 
Regardless of who's in it and who isn't.... 
Who wants to be in it and who doesn't.... 
Or even why.....

My self-esteem has taken such a huge hit.... 
Like I haven't felt this low about myself for a really long time... 
And it's really hard to pull myself back up from this.... 

From these serious tower moments.... 
Struggling, suffering, just bleh.... 

Don't know how to COMMAND respect... 
Haven't been able to figure that out.... 
If I could just command it, I wouldn't have a lot of these issues. 
When it comes to disrespect....