Connecting

It's been frustrating for me. Actually connecting with people. 
For a while I think it's good, but after a while
it's like they want me to change,
but they don't want to change anything about themselves. 

I was trying to tell someone something about
how she was being so nice to me at first.... 
And then when I pointed out she was asking me for things. 
Things I didn't really want to do or give her
But she was asking me because she wanted me to say yes.... 
And she knows I got some money and she doesn't.... 
She wanted me to buy her things. 

And then I brought it up to her
and then she was telling me:
"I did this and this and this for you...."
"I'm only trying to help you...."

That bothered me and it wasn't that she was doing it to be nice
or because I had bought her things.... 
It was like she did it to say she did that for me.... 
"But remember this?"
And that is exactly why I have a hard time letting people in. 
And letting them be nice to me
because when I feel that vibe like:
"She's being too nice to you....."
"She wants something from you."
If she didn't want those things, she wouldn't have asked for them. 

And I have a hard time talking about this stuff, 
because people get defensive
and she tried to deflect by telling me something she didn't like about me.... 
To bring the attention off of her
when the conversation was about her asking me to spend my money on her. 
And she was like: "I told you I'd pay you back...."

And then she turned it around about me not wanting to be friends anymore. 
And it wasn't even about that, either. 
It was like if someone has money that you don't have, 
don't ask them to buy you things just because you want those things....

And don't just give them a bunch of stuff they never asked you for
to say that you gave them stuff
or do things for them
to say that you did things for them. 

That is why it doesn't feel right or natural. 

If you want to give, give
but don't give to say you gave. 

If you want to do something, do it
but don't do it to say you did it. 

And the response was like that.... 
Like "I helped you with your apartment. 
I didn't have to do that. That's something you have to pay someone for...."
But the whole time she was helping me with my apartment, 
she was asking me for what she wanted that I had. 
And I gave her a lot. Of my stuff. 
And no, I can't take everything with me
and I will likely have to leave here at some point. 
So not everything can come with me. 
But I just think it is rude to ask for and expect things. 
And yes, I can say no. But I do not like to be put in the spot where I'd have to.

And she was trying to tell me that it's her personality..... 
To be blunt and blah blah blah. 
To just come out and say it or ask for it. 
There is being blunt and being rude.
Being enlightened and being ignorant. 
I may look stupid, and seem stupid, but I'm actually not
as stupid as I look and seem. 
People who don't know me well can think whatever they want from me.
But it doesn't make it true about me.
Their judgements and assumptions about me
aren't the gospel. Neither is their gossip. 

But the whole time I feel like I'm being judged.
Because she'll point out something about me.
Or criticize me. Or tell me not to do something. 
Or tell me to do something
and it's pretty controlling and it doesn't jive well with me. 
Because I just want to be myself, too.

But now she'll likely call her mom and tell her what I said
because I brought up the fact that she puts me on the spot
for asking for some things that she wants. 

And she was saying: "I wasn't expecting you to say yes,"
"I'm okay with no."
"I was hoping, though."

And to pull the friendship card on me for that.... 
Like "Sounds like you don't want to be friends with me."
And if she wants to be that way, then maybe not. 
It was one thing that bothered me. 
Because the give and take doesn't feel natural. 
Like I don't ask for stuff. 
If it is an offer, that is one thing. 

And being put on the spot about it, bothers me. A lot. 
Because I know she asked me because she wants me to say yes. 

And with people....
They ask me for things with the expectation that I'll say yes. 
And I rarely ask for anything. 
And they seem to take advantage if I offer things. 

And then they'll make me feel bad
when I tell them it doesn't feel right
when they ask me for things. 
And trying to change the subject about it....
Like "We don't have to hang out anymore if you don't want to."
And it wasn't about hanging out.
Like "We don't have to be friends anymore if you don't like me."
And it wasn't that I don't like them. 
I don't like those things. 

And it's really hard for me to have these conversations with people. 
Because they do that to me. 
They make it about things that it isn't about. 
And try to make me feel bad about bringing it up.

Like I would like it to be:
"We're friends because we like and respect each other."
Not because we tolerate each other. 

Like I would like to be myself around people. 
And not be expected to buy people things. 

And when she said "you're too trusting" to me
it sort of made me feel like I shouldn't trust her. 

And I've had some trust issues with my son. 
Because I want to trust that he wouldn't act on his thoughts. 
That he wouldn't hurt anyone. 

He wanted to trust me, that I wouldn't freak out and go to the cops. 
It's not that I freaked out for no reason, though. 
The sh*t he was telling me is serious. 
And yes, I should have dealt with it on my own
and I really don't know how to deal with that sh*t. 

Because I never thought my son would think that way. 
And I trusted my son. 
And he doesn't trust me anymore. 
He thinks I threw him under the bus
by trying to get him help. 

And I can see how it looks that way to him.

And it is up to him to get help. 
But if he doesn't want it, if he thinks there is nothing wrong
with what and how he thinks, 
he isn't going to go and get that help. 
But we can't force people to et help, apparently.

And a friend was telling me the other day:
"People should be allowed to refuse treatment."

And it just makes my job as a mother harder. 
Knowing that his thinking is f*cked. 
And he can refuse treatment. 
And refuse to deal with me now that he's 18. 
And doesn't want to get help. 

And I want to know that I am safe. 
Because I've been scared. 

And I talked to someone about this today.
He asked me if my son has threatened me. 
My son told me that I am dead to him. 

Didn't say he wants to hurt me or kill me. 
Saying what he said to me pretty much killed me
and that was the point in him saying it. 
Because he knew it would hurt me, it did.

He knows that I want a relationship with him
and that it is important to me. 
And he wants to take that away from me. 
To punish me for everything he didn't get
from me that he wanted.... 
And for past mistakes. 

And now, even though I still want a relationship with him
it's harder now because he did that to me. 
And I shouldn't want a relationship with ANYONE 
who hurts me like that.... 
Even my own SON.

And I get that he is immature. He's still a child, 
even though he is legally an adult now.... 

When I was 18, I wasn't thinking like an adult. 
And there are times I still don't
because I haven't had to face a lot of really hard sh*t before
and this stuff is so hard to face
about myself, how I was, how I used to be.... 
And I was about to have a baby at that age. 
A baby that I could have given up for adoption
but I wasn't thinking like that, then. 

So there is a lot that he has to think about, 
and I hope, for his sake, that he does. 
That he really f*cking thinks about how he is
and how he is being.... 

And this new 'friend'....
She's trying to be all like: "I'm just trying to help you."
When I didn't really ask for her help. 
I didn't ask for her critiques. 
I don't want to be a girly girl. 
She wants me to change but doesn't want to look at herself. 
"I like who I am."
"I'm a good person, and I know that."
Well, good people don't have to convince anyone that they are good people. 
They just ARE good people. 

But I know that I have been cast aside or whatever
when I don't "listen" to what people tell me to do. 
The minute they have no control over me, 
they don't want to be "friends" with me. 
"We don't have to be friends if you don't like me."
When it's "I don't want to be controlled by you. Or by anyone."
And people who do it, know they are doing it. 
They just don't want you to know that they are doing it. 
So that they can keep doing it.
It's the only power they think they have.
Because they are not trying to control themselves.

"It's okay to receive help, A***."
"I'm only trying to help you."

But it is different with my son because he actually needs help. 
And I'm his mother and I don't want to give up on him. 
Even though he pushes me away like that. 
Even though he's angry with me for what I did, 
but it's not like he gave me that choice. 

And I want to trust him not to hurt me or anyone, 
but the facts are that he told me some things
that makes me feel like I can't trust him. 

And he doesn't feel like he can trust me because I went to the police
and I don't know what that was supposed to accomplish. 
Because the police couldn't do anything. 

And then nothing gets done about it?
Because he doesn't want me in his life anymore?
And we can refuse treatment?
And the doctors can't tell me anything
now that he's an adult?

And asking the cops to take him to the hospital
against his will might have not been my best move. 

And if I had his respect and he would listen to me....
I could have had the chat with him
and opened his eyes to some things
and he might have opened his mind a bit, 
but who wants to listen to me?
Not very many people, apparently.
Who wants to open their eyes and see things they have not seen?
But who wants to see things that they don't want to see?

So I blog about this stuff, quietly
and hardly anyone knows that I actually have a brain in my head
because there are times I didn't use it. 

Like people only seem to like me if I am useful
or if they can feel good about "helping" me. 
Or if they can be dominant or control me. 

And I don't like it. I really don't. 
It isn't natural. 

Like help to help, because you can. 
Not to say that you are.... Or that you did. 
Not to play the "friendship" card.... 

Same with giving. 
Give to give, not to say you gave.... 
Give because you want to, 
not to bring it up at a later date.... 
Or be asked to give.
"I did this and this." So you should feel bad
for bringing up anything about me....
For trying to have a conversation
about me asking for things.
Because I want to see how far I can push your limits.
And I want to see what I can get from you that I want.

And don't expect anything. Nada.

This is why I have a hard time with relationships. 
Because I do not want to feel used. 
And I don't want ANYONE TO EVER SAY
THAT I WAS USING THEM.... EVER.

And it just makes me feel like
I don't even want to try with people. 

With C*****, he's a great guy. 
Anyone would be LUCKY to be his partner.
He's very knowledgable and I loved to pick his brain. 
And he did help me a lot. 
Just by talking with me and listening to me. 
He knew what questions to ask me to make me think.
He could really help a lot of people.
If given the platform and just speaking on his views.

But at the same time, he knew I had nothing to offer him. 
He wasn't getting anything out of being my friend. 
I can tell that it was draining for him at times. 
Dealing with my level of unawareness or whatever. 
And this is likely why he has stopped replying to my messages. 
And I wouldn't be surprised if he met someone great. 

He never expected anything from me, 
when he was helping me, it was to help me. 
He never helped to say he was helping me. 
He never gave to me to say he was giving to me. 
And I recognized that he was doing it for me. 
Not because he had to
and not because he wanted anything from me. 
I never got that vibe from him. Ever.

But I think he felt it was one-sided. 
Like he gave more than he got. 
Because I really couldn't give to him like he gave to me. 
Even though, yes, I would have loved to add something of value. 
And be valuable to him.
And not just someone that hits him up
when I needed his wisdom or his help
or something from him. 
I guess I did start to depend on him and I shouldn't have.
Because that wasn't what our friendship was supposed to be about.

And I don't want to rely on anyone for anything. 
And it's good to show people where the door is
and if they want to walk out on me, they can. 

And they do when I call them out on things. 

And I have a hard time with some people
who try to act like they care about me
when they are actually judging the f*ck out of me. 

And it just makes me want to be ALONE
and more self-reliant than ever... 

So that I can be myself
without anyone wanting me to change
and be whatever I'm not
because it would make them happy
or feel better about themselves.... 

And to accuse someone of gaslighting
when you call someone out on something
like deflecting.... 
Or throwing something in your face like....
"But I did this and this and this for you...."
Did you do it to tell me that you did it?
To make it about the fact that you did it?

"I still want to be your friend
so I can still get stuff from you....."

Forget it. Just forget about it. 

I don't need to feel like a f*cking charity case, either, though. 
Don't feel bad for me because I'm going through hard times...

I really don't want to tell anyone I'm going through hard times, anymore. 
Like I don't need anyone's sympathy. 
Like if you can put yourself in my shoes and really FEEL me, 
and KNOW what it would be like.... 
To go through what I'm going through....  That's great. 
Because the only things I need are GENUINE KINDNESS, 
APPRECIATION, RESPECT, LOYALTY, 
UNDERSTANDING.... 
PATIENCE, TOO. 
I don't need tips on how to be a girl.
Because I'm not that kind of a girl. 
I'm not into fashion or makeup or material things.
I don't feel like I need to do any of that for validation.

There are things that I am still learning. 
And still unlearning. Old habits, bad habits. 
Because I used to be a certain way. 
Because I was taught sh*t that isn't good. Or cool. 
And I used to do sh*t that wasn't and isn't good. Or cool. 

And I can't really explain a lot of this sh*t to people
without it sounding really f*cked up. 

Like if people don't get anything from me
and if they know they can't control me anymore, 
they bounce. And I have to let them bounce. 
I had to let my son bounce. 
Even though I love him, and still hope one day
that he'll wake the f*ck up and become a MAN.
And his father has a thing or two to learn
about putting his pride aside, too. 

And people do not like being called out on their sh*t. 
For a really long time, I didn't either. 
It used to really piss me off. 
But the truth is the truth. 
No matter who says it. 
Or how they say it, 
or when they say it. It is the f*cking truth. 

Yeah, I've had people throw sh*t in my face.
Honestly, I needed it to be able to see it for what it was.
But nobody LIKES having sh*t thrown in their face.

And people push me away a lot. 
Because they don't like certain things about me. 
But they don't know how to bring up those things
and they don't want to offend me
or put me on the defense or whatever
so they don't bring those things up.

And I'm like that with a lot of people, too. 
And then I'm like:
"How do I say this without sounding cruel or mean, or rude?"
In a way that they will understand and appreciate?

And then sh*t never gets resolved. 
Because a lot of sh*t goes unsaid, unacknowledged.

Like I brought up her asking for stuff
because she was trying to use me. 
But she was being all nice to me to try to hide it. 
And trying to be like "you're just being nice back."
Which was how this started.
If you let people take inches, they will take miles.

And I have a really hard time with people. 
A really hard f*cking time. 

And these are some of the reasons why. 

The people I get along with the most
are people who are not like most other people. 
Who are real and genuine
and have no ulterior motives. 
And they don't suspect me of having any
because I don't have any. 

I genuinely want to connect with people
until I pull away because I am aware of how f*cked up I actually am. 
And for the most part, I try to hide that. 
Because obviously I don't need that thrown in my face. 
And I don't need anyone using sh*t against me. 
Just because they can't have their way with me. 

And yes, I'm going through a lot of sh*t, 
that I don't know how to deal with. 
And it is a test of my strength. 
And I really mishandled a lot of it. 
Because there is a lot I can't see in it. 
I can see it from my son's perspective, 
but he can't see it fom mine...

And if we had been able to meet in the middle
and discussed things.... 
Like "D*****, I'm really worried about you
because the things you told me are scaring me."

And you would think that he knows that they would....
They would make me worry and they would scare me. 
They would make most worry and scare most. 

So my reaction wasn't an abnormal reaction. 
And maybe I had a delayed reaction, too. 
Because it was so shocking and I really don't know how to handle this
and I called his father right away for help. 

And he may have been saying these things for attention. 
Like I really don't know. 

And I should have asked questions and got more information. 
And I needed to talk to counsellors or get some guidance
on how to proceed. 
Because the advice I got was pretty sh*tty advice. 
And I took the advice. 
Because it was the 'right' thing to do. 

And I just feel like my life is falling apart. 

And my so called friend.... I can't talk to her about something
that she didn't see as an issue. 
Because I wasn't supposed to have an issue with it. 

And I can't talk to people without them deflecting or getting defensive. 
And apparently she got mad about me bringing that up. 
The fact that it bothered me. 
So she brought up something about me that bothered her
because she didn't want it to be about her. 
And what bothered me. 

And she accused me of gaslighting her. 
Because she deflected, totally, more than once. 

I just don't want to be friends with anyone who wants to use me. 
And I don't want to feel controlled or restricted in any way. 
Even in how I talk or what I'm allowed to bring up. 
And to have the friendship card pulled on me really sucks.

And I really dislike when people treat me like a f*cking charity case. 
Like they are so much better than me because of whatever.....
I really dislike that. I am human, too.

I mean it is one thing to really help someone
because they really need help. 
But it is another thing to feel so far above them
because they need help. 
And that is like the only thing I can think of. 

And like I'm just.... I don't know. 
Feeling scared right now. 

Been feeling scared for a while. 

And I seem to get myself into trouble
because I want to see the good in people. 
And I want to try to bring that out in people. 
And people would sense it. 
And they'd like me for that. 
And they would trust me and I would trust them. 

But lately I have been feeling paranoid about trusting people. 

Because like.... I have trusted the wrong people before
and have had a lot of issues with people. 

And apparently I'm having issues with my son. 
He is pissed at me. 

Been doubting myself because of the mistakes I made. 
And doubting myself as a person.
Not just a parent, but parents need confidence in their abilities
to have the respect of their children. 

And just a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. 

And like I feel like I should get away from here. 
And away from a lot of people in my life. 

And people are telling me to stay here. 
And I can't be sure that I'm even safe here. 

And I pissed off people by like speaking up
about things that were bothering me. 
And like whenever I speak up or speak out
it tends to blow up in my face. 

And I am trying to be more assertive and stuff, 
but at the same time, people do not like it. 
And it shouldn't be my problem if they do not like assertiveness or boundaries.

And I have to be really careful about who I trust. 
It seems that a lot of people can't be trusted. 

And I'm so f*cked up lately,
that I am having a hard time trusting myself. 

And I know some people have been talking sh*t about me. 
And they did it to keep a guy I liked away from me, 
but it is good that he is away from me
because if he's going to believe bullshit lies about me, 
then I'm better off alone. 

And I'm better off alone than having friends around me
who are only friends with me to see what they can get from me. 
Or see what they can get me to do
to make them feel better about being around me.
Or to live up to their expectations.

And I don't want to think that about people. 
But when they ask and ask and ask for things....
And tell me what to do and what not to do....
And try to make me feel bad for saying anything about it....
Or being who and how I am....

And like... I just don't know what to do at this point.

A part of me wants to have people in my life, 
but another part wants to keep people at a distance from now on. 

I might miss out on meeting cool people like C*****...
I might have really enjoyed meeting him. 
If I ever had that chance. 
And I f*cked it up with him. 

I f*cked it up with my son, 
but I should look at it like he f*cked it up with me. 
We f*cked it up with each other. 

A lot of people f*ck sh*t up with me.... 
By accident or on purpose. 

Been really hating myself lately, though. 
For f*cking up and being f*cked up. 
And not being able to change certain things.
And not knowing more how to handle myself
better in f*cked up situations....

Like "This is what you do if this happens to you...."
I don't have a manuel or magic wand. 
TO MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME.
TO MAKE ANYONE CARE.
OR CARE TO UNDERSTAND ME.
OR THEMSELVES, OR LIFE....

I CAN ONLY WRITE THIS STUFF.
MAYBE IT IS JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
Maybe it's just me going crazy
or my mind playing tricks on me.
Or I'm missing or not seeing a whole bunch of sh*t. Still. 
I can't say that in this life, we are meant to see everything. 
I don't think anyone can handle knowing everything.
But yet there are people who think they know everything, 
but only fools think they know everything. 
Wise people realize that there is still things yet to learn.

And people who try to get me to be like them
maybe can't see that I don't have to or want to be like them.
That I don't need to thrive on validation. 
I used to want that. I used to want a bunch of things.
Until I realized the things I wanted aren't actually important.