Summer Is Here

It's fair to say that summer is here. 
It's been hot today. 
I picked up a couple bottles of water from the store.
I wasn't planning on going down a road
where there was construction going on, 
but I did and there were a couple guys working in the heat. 
I gave the guy the water. Cold water.
It just worked out that way. 
A thought that occured to me to give him the water. 
It's hot, why not?

I've been thinking a lot about how I used to be
so f*cking selfish and how far it went. 
And how people I care about
have a hard time believing that I care about them
because of the times I showed that I didn't, 
that I was selfish and how that affected people. 

And I couldn't see it at the time. 
And how I wish that I could have
and chosen the right choice. 
To show the people who mattered the most to me
that they mattered the most to me. 
And now, I can't show them because they gave up on me. 

And I have to learn to take care of myself
and I realized how I was reliant on others
to take care of me and there's so much I never learned. 
And I've been an adult for a long time, now. 

And yes, I've had my traumas that only I can recover from. 
And yes, those traumas have had an impact on me. 
And others either were not aware or didn't care
how I would be affected. Or that I was affected. 

And someone pointed something out about trauma. 
I forget who it was but he said that it's impossible
not to be traumatized by anything
because as kids, we are so sensitive to everything. 
Even as adults, we can still be sensitive. 
But I guess there comes a time where we become 
more or less desensitized.... 
When less and less affects us.
And that is a scary point to be at.... 
It makes me think of certain things that really scares me. 

Also, on my walk, I was thinking about something. 
I'm not religious and I try to leave religion out of my posts. 
It was something that Jesus had said. 
He said: "He who has not sinned, cast the first stone."
And everyone there were sinners so nobody cast a stone. 
Not even Jesus, because he had sinned, too. 
But they don't make that the reason he didn't cast a stone. 
Casting the stones, itself was a sin
and that was the point of it.
Not to cast stones at sinners, if you are a sinner yourself. 
But not to cast stones for who are you to judge?

It is not for us to judge, yet we do, all the time. 
They don't know our story, yet they judge. 

If they knew our story, would they judge?
Or would they just judge more?

I mean, it's easy to sit there, reading what I write
and judging me for everything I express on here, 
how I express it, why, that I even do.... 
That is easy. But necessary?
And what would people do with that time
that it takes to judge someone
if they looked at themselves instead?
But it is easier to judge someone else
than to judge ourselves.... 

And yes, I have been looking at myself.... In detail. 
This is why I have a hard time sleeping at night. 
This is why I am having a hard time making it through the days. 
Because I make myself feel sick. 
I have sickened myself. 
To the point I feel weak. 
And the only thing I can do is turn to GOD
and tell GOD I am sorry and ashamed
and ask forgiveness and ask for mercy. 
Because nobody would ever understand
where I've been coming from. 

And I can't undo the past. 
I can't seem to even make up for it. Any of it. 
I just pray for help now. I pray for things that are important
for the people I care about. 
For certain people to have what they need
and what they needed from me
that I wasn't able to give to them. 
That I was supposed to give to them. 
That I didn't have to give to them. 
At the time they needed it from me. 
So I pray that GOD sends someone to them
to give them what they needed.
To help them where I couldn't. 

And yes, I feel that I failed. 
Because they didn't get what they needed from me
and I was supposed to be the person to give them that. 
And I learned that, but at what cost?!
Because I learned that too late. 
And I don't want to think that it is too late.... 

And I want them to be able to trust enough
to let that one person in who will change their lives. 

And it shouldn't take a break down
to realize how sh*tty we've really been
to break us to the point that we want to be better people. 
We should just all want to be and do better, as people. 
For others, to lead by example. 

And yes, people close to me know how I used to be. 
My son knows how I used to be, his father does, too. 
I wasn't being fair to them and this is why they are not fair to me now. 
Although I have been selfish, in the guise of living my life... 
I've made sh*tty choices.... I have learned.
And it took a lot for me to see. 
It took losing my relationship with my son
and how things used to be with us
for me to realize that I did cherish it
and I was supposed to cherish it more. 
Instead of trying to date.... 
I was focused on the wrong things. 
I can admit that now, but what good does it do to admit that?
I lost all that time with him that we could have been bonding. 
That we could have been connecting. 
That I could have shown him what love is. 
That I do love him. Because I do love him. 
He didn't get to see it or experience it. 

This is why I pray that GOD sends someone to his father
and to my son who will show him that. 
They both need it and I can't ever make up for that. 
Those bonds have to come naturally and cannot be forced. 
But I still pray to GOD for that
because that is what they need. 

That is what I've needed, too. 
I kept looking for it and I looked for it so long
that I wasn't giving it, or being open to it
for the ones who needed it the most. 
So I pray to GOD for a miracle that my ex lets someone into his life
who will be that and show him that and my son. 

For a long time I didn't want to see my ex with anyone else. 
And I used to have nightmares about it. 
But I need this for him because it will be good for him
to have a good person in his life. 

I'm not the same person I was before. I have changed a lot. 
I do care, but I am not the best at showing it. 
And for a long time, I didn't care enough. 
Like I should have cared.... 
I was selfish. I really was. 
And it makes me so sick to think that I was
and just knowing that I was. 

But hopefully, admitting it will help others
SEE what they are doing and how it affects others. 
So they can try to turn themselves around and their lives around. 
So they can become AWARE and actually CARE. 

I mean, I guess some people aren't ready to look at themselves
and they might not. They will continue to look at how THEY were treated
not how THEY treated/treat others. 
To play the victim, but still hurt others. 

I see it happening all the time. 
With people using each other to fulfill certain needs or something. 
And if you are programmed to do that by someone who does that.... 
It might seem like a natural thing to do
like everyone does it, but not everyone does. 
It's not natural and it's not right. 
And I had to unlearn stuff from people. Who were like that. 
But a part of me knew it wasn't right. 

And I get suspicious of people who are really nice
because it is usually because they want something
and I really hate it when people think I'm like that. 

There are only a few people who know that I'm not. 
That when I'm being nice it is because I want to be nice. 
I have been cold, really mean and cold, and I don't even know why. 
And I know it wasn't right. I had to learn. 
And I still regret that to this day. 
I have so many regrets....

I don't know who's going to read this and what they are going to think. 
About me or about the things I'm writing. 

One comment, I still remember. 
Someone said that they shared some of this stuff with someone
and that they bought them dinner. And the commenter thanked me. 
And that was pretty touching that I was able to make enough sense
to someone to remember what I said
and it was able to help someone. 

I get a lot of stuff, a lot more than I used to. 
Before, I couldn't see so much
and you can't tell what anyone is able to see
until you talk with them, find out what they are about. 
Connect on a deeper level....
Deeper than you've ever connected with anyone, ever.
Let them see some things that you see.... 
Let them tell you where to look, but not what to see. 
Those are the best teachers. They tell you where to look, 
but let you see what you see. 
Maybe you will see something they haven't yet. 
And that is the thing about teachers and students.... 
Sometimes the students become the teachers.... 
My son taught me a lot. Without trying to teach me. 
And I am thankful for those lessons, 
and they are the hardest lessons I'm likely to ever learn, 
but he has helped me want to be better for him, for myself, for everyone. 

By wishing I had been better for him the whole time. Better in all ways.... 
Better teacher, listener, connector... Parent.... Mother. 
And I really hope that it isn't too late. 
And I really hope that my ex lets someone in who will be better. 
Who is better in all ways. 
Who will help him be better, too. 

That's what love is really about, helping each other be better. 
To each other and for each other. 
And that is the lesson my son taught me. 
I love him so much and I really hope one day he can read this
and know that I didn't have what I needed at the time he needed it. 
And how that is my fault, not his. 
That it says nothing about his worth. Or worthinness. 
Or his value as a person. 
It doesn't say he is unlovable. 
But he needs love. To be a loving person. 
We all need love to be loving people. 
And that is what the world needs. 
Not more toxicity. Or bullsh*t.  
There's too much of that, as it stands. 

And I never wanted to be that toxic parent or person. 
I grew up with so much toxicity that I learned that. 
And I had to unlearn that. 
And there are times it gets pulled out of me. 
And then I regret it. 

I mean, yeah, there are genuine mental issues. 
And a lot of those are caused by trauma. 
And yes, I've likely traumatized my own child. 
I really regret that.
And yes, I've had my own traumas. 

I've also learned that when you have a hard time
standing up for yourself and your own rights, 
you have a hard time standing up for your child. 
And it's not that you don't want to stand up for yourself
or stand up for your child, you do, but you don't
because you don't know how to
and your child doesn't learn how to from you
and they look at you as though you are weak
for not standing up for yourself
and not standing up for them... 

And it takes a big person to look at that and say:
"I forgive you for not standing up for me.
You couldn't stand up for yourself."

And now we are stronger, together, 
because we CAN now. 
We know what to do and how to do it. 
Because we LEARNED.
HOW NOT TO LET PEOPLE WALK ON US. 

AND HOW TO FORGIVE THOSE WHO
TRESPASS AGAINST US. 
FOR THAT IS ALL THEY KNOW. 
AND THEY TOO NEED TO LEARN BETTER. 
TO BE BETTER.... 

Sometimes it feels better to just get this out. 
Sometimes knowing that someone might read this one day
and actually think about it. 
Maybe talk to someone else about it. 
And they might talk to someone else about it.... 

"Someone once told me...."
"That they once read...."
"I stuck with me because....."
"I want to talk to you about it because....."

When I first started this blog, it wasn't about that.... 
It was because I needed to write about things
that were really bothering me. 
And I was going through depression stuff. 
It hits me in waves, still. 
But it's more than just depression as I have learned. 
And the things that I thought were the cure, 
were only pieces of it. 
And I guess all that I went through brought me to this point. 
And all that I am going through, 
that I put myself through
by putting others through things
that I couldn't see that I was putting them through. 
And I hope that people can take a look
at what they are putting others through.
That it's not all about THEM. Or all about US.
Because it's not. 

Coming from an ex alcoholic....
Alcoholics are pretty f*cking selfish people. 
I think something shuts off in the brain
that allows for critical thinking.... 
And when that portion of the brain
is extremely underdeveloped, it's underdeveloped. 
This is why I would rather talk about this stuff, 
to get people thinking about this stuff. 
Because it is important. 
I didn't realize how important it is. 
I made the mistake of not caring about too much. 

I mean "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck"
is good in theory, but there are things we MUST give a f*ck about. 
We must give a f*ck about the children. OUR children. 
Ourselves and others
to TEACH them what giving a f*ck actually is. 

And I f*cking HATE that I was an alcoholic. 
It took me sobering up to LEARN so much. 

I HATE that I would use "I was drunk"
as an excuse for the stupid sh*t I used to do, say, think.... 
YEAH, I WAS, BUT THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE ME.
MY BEHAVIOR, MY SH*TTINESS. 
SH*TTINESS DOES NOT EXCUSE SH*TTINESS. 

AS MY MOTHER KEPT SAYING:
TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT.

And there's so much I have had to forgive my mother for
that she doesn't even know that I have
and she never asked me to. 
She hasn't been able to see a lot of things
and this is why it took me so long to see some things. 
I had to see those things on my own. 
And I am lucky to have had a lot of things pointed out to me. 
Over the last few years.... 
Some of it I write about on here.... 
When I learn something really helpful
or if I'm able to put it into another perspective....

There's a lot I'm really struggling with right now. 
Some of it I have to go through alone.... 

I feel like I need to keep most people at a distance now. 
Even the ones I love and care about. 

What I'm going through is really hard and scary. 
Because I wasn't ready to learn and be taught things. 
And my son hasn't been, either. 
But now it's like he has to learn the hard way
because he does not want to listen to me. 
He doesn't have respect for me. 
And that is something we all need to be taught.
From a young age. RESPECT.
And I don't know who he has been listening to. 
His father has been filling his head with garbage. 
About me. Also about life. 
Messing with is views. 
And it isn't my fault that his father has been doing that. 
I trusted his father, though. 
To do right by our son. He hasn't. 
Not to his fullest. 
And it is hard to have respect for your drunk mother....
I get that, but I haven't drank for 7 YEARS....

And yes, it has been hard on his own, 
and it was hard on my own, too. 
The times he refused to help me. 
And there are times I pleaded with him. 
And he ended up with custody. 
AND I WAS ALWAYS A CALL AWAY.

And I did make a lot of mistakes. A lot. 

And I wish I could hug my son today and tell him I'm sorry. 
For everything we went through. 
It wasn't his fault and it was mine. 
And he was so young and innocent
and the world got its claws into him. 
I didn't see it happening. 
As a mother it is my job not to let it happen. 
I failed. 

My mother failed me in a lot of ways, too. 
And I have had to forgive her, for a lot. 
And there are some things that she may not have the capacity to understand. 
And there haven't been many people
to point things out to my mother
and she doesn't like to be told things 
and doesn't like to listen to me. 
BECAUSE SHE "DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT."

Because of that, we don't really have a relationship
that I wish I could have with her, that I have tried to have with her. 
Many, many times, but she is still my mother. 

And I think what a big part of it is
is that I see how I am like her in some ways. 
Ways that I wish I wasn't like her, 
but I really appreciate our differences
and the things I've been able to learn. 
Over the years, even from my son. 
He is smart, too smart for the bullsh*t he's been stuck in. 
I created setbacks for him. 
I f*cked up, and I'm sorry. 
I was focused on the wrong things. 
A lot went overlooked and that was my mistake. 

I am aware now, but will that make a difference?
Will that matter in the long run?
Will he ever realize that I have realized?
That I'm truly sorry for everything?
And I know that sorry does not make it okay. 
It doesn't. 
I'd like to think that realizing does make a difference. 
But it still doesn't make it okay
and forgiveness doesn't make it okay. 
It still is what it is. 
Forgiveness is very powerful, though. 

It has taken a lot of self-reflection though. 
That's not an easy thing for most people. 
To look at themselves, and their behavior, their mistakes, 
How they have been, how they are.... 
WHY.... How they got like that. 

And yes, I could easily blame my mother.
I could blame myself for repeating the mistakes she made. 
It's not up to anyone but ME how I turn out. 
If I want to be a good person, I have to be a good person. 
As good as I can be. 
I have to make better choices, too. 
Because I have to DECIDE what kind of person I want to be. 
So does everyone else. 

And when others are focused on the wrong things
they aren't going to see the things they could see. 
And it took me so long to see that. 

And yes, it is good to self-reflect. 
But I can't just beat myself up for the f*ck up that I have been. 
Even if people want to punish me for it. 
Even if I should be punished for it. 

Self-reflection is good for insight. 
Insight is good for realizations. 
Good for learning, teaching, growing... 

There is a lot to learn from looking back.
But we have to look forward, too. 
We learn from the past to have a better future. 

And we have to believe that certain things are possible. 
To allow them to be possible. 
It's hard to believe sometimes. 

Our past is just a springboard. 
And we still can learn skills and aquire certain skills. 
That we need to be more than we are. 
We have to stop fighting against the learning. 
It's okay not to know everything. 
We don't know until we know. 
But the only way to grow is to learn. 
From each other. 

But I think I need more time to myself sometimes. 
Because it gives me time to think
and sometimes that can be a good thing. 
Depending on what we are thinking about. 
Depending on what we focus on. 

We only know what we know. 
We don't know what we don't know. 

I feel like this is a HUGE test. 
If I could change the past, I could change the future. 
But I can't change the past. 
There are more paths opening than we even know. 
From here. We can only go from here. 
We can't start from 10 years ago, 
those years are gone. 
And they go by fast. 
And just when you think you'll have the time, 
you don't, you won't. It's gone. 
Days add up. Weeks add up. Months add up. 
Days don't seem long enough.
Sometimes, when you're in despair....
They seem to last forever. 
And so does the despair. 
When there seems like there is no hope.
And when there seems to be no hope, 
it feels hopeless. 
It adds to the despair. 

I've been here. 
That's what depression has been like for me. 
I still get hit by waves of it. 
Grief, pain, sorrow, agony...

And then there are times I want to be hopeful and have hope
that things can turn around
and that certain people have been catalysts for me. 
I don't know if I have been a catalyst for anyone else. 

I'd like to think I have been.... 
Maybe some of the things I've written have been useful.... 
Who knows? 

I freqently take breaks from writing. 
Lately, it's just been me repeating myself. 
Over and over and over again. 
About how I feel about what's been going on.
In my life. I blame myself for a lot. 
A lot of it could be my fault, 
but people can't really blame others for how they turn out. 
I mean, I could blame my mother for my sh*ttiness, 
sure she taught me a lot of unhealthy and useless habits
that never helped me and I ended up
passing a lot of stupid sh*t onto my son
from unconscious programming... 

But there are some ways that I'm not like my mother, at all.

And there are ways my son is not like me
and he has chosen things because he doesn't want to be like me. 
Like he doesn't want to shave because his father
is into collecting shaving stuff.
Straight razors, and shaving soaps etc.
And he doesn't want to be like his father. 

He's told me that thinking of his parents depresses him. 
Probably because he judges the both of us. 
But not himself for judging us....
Doesn't have to judge us. 
But apparently does.