Sometimes It Doesn't

I find these BPD videos pretty helpful. 
There are things I've seen from these in myself. 
There's one by this doctor about boundaries. 

And I made a friend recently and I found that I didn't establish boundaries with her. 
So she found out quickly that I do things to be nice, 
so she asked me to do some things for her. 
And I should have said no, but I didn't. 

And at first I wasn't getting a vibe from her, but I started to get it. 
Little things that started making me feel uncomfortable, 
but I'm worried about having the conversation with her. 
About these things. 
Because I don't want her to be upset or mad at me, 
but at the same time, I don't want to keep being agreeable
to avoid upsetting her. 

And I don't usually have female friends because of this. 
And most friends I connect with quickly, 
I tend to have these issues with. 

And it makes me want to isolate from people even more. 
To keep people at a distance
because they'll be "nice" to me and even bossy 
and then they get upset with me when I bring things up. 
And it makes me not want to hang out with them much anymore. 
It's like if they get their way, they are happy, 
but I'm not happy just doing what they want me to. 
And I just want to be myself, too. 
But I can't because they want power and control over me. 
And it really bothers me. 
To the point that I don't want them in my life anymore. 
Because I feel "free" when I am just being myself
without anyone telling me what to do. 
And they try to hide it by saying that they are making suggestions. 
When they are actually telling me what to do. 
Like: "Stop here." "Turn here. " "Come here."
And all these things like that and I just do it. 
And I should just say no. 

And I don't like being around people like that. 
I mean I have some friends who are nice and they go out of their way to be nice.
And I feel like they do that just to have someone there
to tell what to do.... So they have some sense of control. 
And I really don't like it. 
When I see it in people, it usually doesn't show up right away.... 
It really bothers me. I rarely do it, but I have done it
and when I have done it, people didn't like it. 

Like when I was a kid..... I used this example before.... 
I wanted to start a club for the kids in the neighborhood. 
Maybe a part of that was I wanted to be a leader.... 
And I end up being a follower, it is a weakness. 
Anyway.... I set up a bunch of chairs in the backyard
and I had asigned seating in my head. 
And I managed to get these kids to come to my backyard
to announce my idea of starting a club
and I wanted them to join, 
but it didn't go as planned because they just chose a seat. 
But then I tried to tell them that I wanted them to sit
where I had planned for them to sit
and they all just got up and left because
that was me trying to control where they sat. 
And they didn't like it. 

But I've let people tell me where to sit, 
to come over to them because they wanted to show me something
and various ways of manipulation and I don't like it. 

I haven't been able to counteract that. 
And it was just easier to let them have their way, 
but the more you let someone have their way, 
the more they are going to want to have their way
and they'll get mad when they don't have their way. 

Whether it starts with annoyance, frustration.... 
Then it turns to anger. 

Like that time a friend and I were on bikes 
and he wanted me to stop in front of a house he wanted to show me. 
So I did, but I wanted to ride my bike down the hill, 
but he didn't want to because he didn't want to ride his bike
past someone's house, someone who lives on the street. 

But instead of saying: "I'll meet you around the corner,"
Or whatever, he got mad at me because he told me to stop, 
and I didn't do what he wanted me to do. 
And when I tried to explain that to him, 
he got even more upset with me
because I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do
and I wasn't listening to him. 
And it bothered me even more
like he was trying to make me feel bad
about not doing what he wanted me to do. 
Instead of just letting me go down the hill on my bike. 

And then he went as far as to say he didn't even want to be friends anymore
Because he didn't get his way. 
Which was me stopping where he told me to stop
because he told me to stop. 
And I don't like that. 
It makes me feel restricted and controlled and manipulated. 

And I am noticing these things in a new friend and I don't like it. 
And having boundaries is important. FROM THE START.
AND SAYING NO IS IMPORTANT.
AND NOT JUST GIVING INTO PEOPLE
JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE BEING NICE.....
IS IMPORTANT. 

In his mind, he's being helpful in some ways.... 
Because he likes to help, but in other ways.... It's not so helpful. 
And I don't hang out with him as much as I used to. 
Sometimes he catches himself when he does it, now. 
Which I appreciate. 

But if I had a stronger personality, they wouldn't even do this to me. 
It's like a dominance thing and I really don't like it. 

Like I'm being agreeable not to put up a fight, 
but it shouldn't be like that. 
It should be natural, not like that. 
And I've picked up on a lot. 
Like when you are being generous, they start asking for things. 

And no, if it is an offer, that is different. Don't ask me for things you want
just because you want something. That's not going to fly with me. 

When we were going through my clothes, she wanted some of them. 
There were a few I didn't want to give away, but I did. 
Because they are only clothes. 
But it's like she asked for them because she was betting on me saying yes. 
It's totally different when I'm like: "This looks better on you than on me."
And a lot of the clothes I had do look better on her than on me. 
But I'd rather make offers than have someone ask me for something. 
It's more natural for me. 
And doesn't put me on the spot where I have to say no. 
And I don't have to put up with their reaction to me saying no. 
Especially if they are used to people just saying yes, all the time. 
And just doing what they are told. 

And they don't even see anything wrong with it. 
And when I try to explain it to them, they get mad at me. 
They get defensive with me. 
And they don't like hearing it, from me. 

Because apparently I'm not supposed to say anything. 
But I start feeling like they aren't really a friend. 
Even though they are being "nice" to me. 
Like they have their reasons for being "nice."

And it just makes me want to withdraw from them. 

And sometimes I worry about people thinking this way about me.
When I'm actually just being nice because I want to be. 
Not because I want anything. 
And I rarely ask anything of anyone. 

I don't like feeling controlled or manipulated 
so I don't want to do that to others. 
Although, there were times that I did. 
And I regretted it afterwards. 
Because I'm totally not like that. 
And I hate myself for the times that I was. 
But for the most part, I'm pretty compliant. 
And that makes me hate myself, too. 
Because I don't want to be either of those. 
I get that "I just want to die" thinking about some things. 

I need to go for a walk soon. 
I get major anxiety when I think about the stupidest things I did. 
Knowing that I can't take them back. 
And I can't choose something other than THAT.
That which I did. 
That others would probably hate me for
because they could put it in a whole other context
other than the context that I intended. 

Because it didn't match
what was going on in my head, at the time. 

And I can't say it any other way than that....
And I have to live with it. Hating myself for it. 
And living with that "I just want to die" feeling. About it. 
And about myself.....

And living with it is really hard. 
And the consequences of it. 
And not being able to tell anyone
and that being a primary source of shame. 

And the people who know me best know
that the context wasn't what it seemed to be. 
They understand that I didn't mean it like that. 
It was a case of not thinking things through. 

Anyway, I need to get out of here for a while. 
I took a long walk yesterday... 
Sometimes it helps. 
Sometimes it doesn't.