On That Chance

Been sad. That's all I can feel lately. 
I want to be happy about some things, 
but there are some things I'm not happy about. 
And I don't know how to manage that, emotionally. 

I don't know what to do about this. 
Or about anything. It's overwhelming, emotionally. 

I'm supposed to be making a plan, to leave. 
I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. 
Or how long I'm going to stay there. 
Or how I'm going to survive there. 
And I won't know anyone. 

But I need a plan. 
I was lucky the times I didn't have a plan. 
But I don't need to take huge risks, 
but at the same time I keep feeling like I can't stay here. 

I need to develop what I need to develop. 

"This isn't your bag."
People have to carry what they carry. 
And they can blame me all they want. 
They picked stuff up along the way 
and the only reason it's my fault is if they picked it up from me.
I can only take blame for the things that were my fault. 
For my mistakes. 
If they are unwilling to forgive me.... 
They are unwilling to forgive me.... 

I have a bunch of things to work out with my son. 
But he has to want to work those things out with me. 

I'm still mixed with my emotions. 
Part of me wants to stay here, but another part wants to go. 
Someone told me: "Your thoughts are going to come with you,
wherever you go." Which is true. 

A couple friends are trying to tell me to stay where I am. 
That things'll work out and I'll just get another apartment. 

At least one friend is telling me to gtfo of here now.
Says I'm late on making a plan. 

I keep wanting to do something with the things I've got. 
Been giving a lot away. 
Still some things hard to part with. 

Can't bring it with me. 

Feels like I'm running away from my problems. 
Instead of doing something about it. 
And what should I be doing about this?
Not letting people walk on me the way they have....
For starters... 

Most people in my life have taken me for granted. 
And I have taken some people for granted. 
Not realizing it at the time. 
I've never once been like "I'm going to take (this person) for granted."
I know how that feels.... To be taken for granted. All the time. 
By pretty much everyone in my life....
By family especially, but I feel that way around friends sometimes, too. 
Like they expect me to be there whenever
And I do need time alone sometimes.
And I don't want that to offend them.

But also, I need boundaries or they will cross them.
I don't like that, but it has to be done.
And I have the hardest time with that.
Probably why I don't like that. 
Plus, I feel like the boundaries should already be there. 

Like "Don't ask for money or certain things."
Even if you really want it or need it, 
have a way of getting it for yourself.... 

And I'm really wary of taking offers now. 
Because they'll be like: "Well, you took me up on these offers....
Why are you being like this now?"

And I can't be like: "Because I'm not enjoying myself, you are.
Because I've been letting you have it your way."

Because they get mad at the truth. 
I have a few friends this way. 
Which is probably why I have few friends. 
And my friends are generally older than I am.
They have values and principles already. 

And it was my job to instill that in my son. 
And since he has rejected me, who's going to instill it in him?
His father who didn't value me, or appreciate me
while he and I were together?
Who took me for granted? I did it to him, too. 
Which is likely why he does not value me. 
And why my son doesn't either. 
And yet it is still my fault because I should have instilled that. 
And nobody teaches how to raise a child anymore.
There are parenting classes but it's not freely available. 
I did take anger management, though. 
There's stuff I learned about getting angry.....
And mostly it has to do with control. 

And some people have tested me on purpose to see how I'd react.
Trying to get me to get upset.
And I didn't about those things even though I have a right to be. 

"You should be angry." People have told me. 
And what would that solve?
Do I have to get angry to show I care about something?
I used to get angry because I wanted control over things
that I didn't have any control over. 

Because ideally, I'd like things to have been easier than they have been.
BETTER, overall, than they have been.... 
But they did not go that way, for me, 
because of choices I made.... Bad choices. 
Among other things.... Choices others made, too. 
Wasn't just all me..... 
There were choices others made
that really sucked and I had to live with it. 

So where do I go from here? Is the question.... 
Do I stay? Do I go?
If I stay, why?
If I go? For what am I going? Safety?
Because if I stay here I could be in danger?
Do I know that I am?
Or only feel like I am?

Why take the chance with my own safety?

And this is what I've been trying to explain
to a couple of my friends. Who want me to stay. 
Not that staying makes a huge difference to them.
Or to anyone..... 

I was staying here for my son. 
Who does not want me in his life. 
On the chance that he'll grow up and change his mind. 
Which will not happen overnight. 
And might not happen.... 
I can hope that it does, though. 

I could be angry at the way he and his father have been treating me. 
Like I have nothing to offer and that I'm not good enough. 
Just because I did things they didn't like.
They also did things I didn't like. 
But I didn't treat them accordingly. 
Only the time I wrote the report. 
Because it was a chance that I could not take. 

And I don't want to think of my son that way....
Nobody wants to think of their child that way....

I blame myself so much....
For a lot of things....
That I can't do anything about.
If I made better choices in the past, 
things would be very different today. 

"If things were different then, 
things would be different now."

I feel like sh*t lately.
I feel like I've failed my son. 
And failed myself.... Big time. 

By being too passive and not "with it."
I wanted to be a mother, but don't know how. 
I thought most things would work out. 
But that is wishful thinking. 

He is my only child, and I don't think I'll get to have more. 
And after everything, I don't get to. 

I wanted him and I to be close. 
We used to be closer. A long time ago. 

I had hopes of him and I being close. 
I had a lot of hopes for my life, for my future.... 
Like we all do....
But it's not enough to just hope.... 
Or just want things to work out for the best.... 

There's a lot I should have done and didn't do. 
I blame myself for that. 

Their unwillingness to forgive me is all them. 
If they won't, can't.... That's up to them. 
And it's up to others to teach others
about forgiveness, about love.... 
About trust.... 

To help each other with our development. 
To help each other heal from our wounds. 
To listen to and hear each other. 
Not just what we say, but what we don't say. 

I didn't get that growing up. 
Neither did my son. 
And I don't want it to be too late for him. 
I've had to learn a lot on my own. 
And I'm still learning and growing. 
But it was a choice to get help and help myself. 
Despite everything I've been through. 
I know how easy it is just to leave everything the way it is. 
To not do anything about some things. 
I learned that from people who wanted to take the easy road. 
And chose not to help me when they could have. 

And I had a lot of resentment about that for a long time. 
But then I realized that if they can't or won't help me, 
I can work on things myself. 
And yes, it is a lot harder to work on things by yourself. 
To bridge gaps in knowledge and experience.
And to shift perspectives, etc. 
It takes a lot..... 

I was thinking about this a lot lately.... 
Other people can't see the work you're doing on your own
unless they are up close and personal with you
and when they know you have a lot of issues to work through, 
they don't want to be around. 
Especially if they constantly get pushed away.... 
Especially angerly. 

But when you get close to someone's issues, 
they don't want to be exposed....
They do not want to look at themselves
so they would rather push people away
than to face the truth about themselves. 
I have been the exact same way. 
It's defensiveness. It's "how dare you judge me."
It's not about judging per se, it's about facing the issue. 

And yes, I have a lot of issues. It's apparent how weak I've been. 
How "f*cked up" I've been. It's been apparent. 
And nobody really wants to be around that. I get it. 
Just a bunch of fake friends is all I used to have. 
And I get tired of being used and taken advantage of. 
And tired of being taken for granted. 
And tired of being looked at like I'm the only one with issues. 
We all have issues. Most of us. 
Whether we want to admit it or not. 

A lot of them are psychological, and emotional. 
And those are pretty hard to heal. 
A lot of those trigger pain and pain triggers anger. 
And the anger is the ego trying to protect us from the pain. 
From getting hurt worse than we've already been hurt. 
It took me a long time to realize that. 
And that is something that kept coming up for me
for when people were trying to get me to face my issues
and I wasn't ready to face my issues. 
I used to get mad at the truth, and sometimes I still do. 
Because it is an automatic reaction to defend myself. 

I have a lot of bad habits. I've had a lot of bad habits. 
And my son has bad habits and so does his father. 
Most of us have bad habits. 

I kicked a few of them, like smoking, and drinking.... 
But there are other habits that are harder to kick than smoking.
And harder to kick than drinking.... 

Like denying certain things,
always wanting to see the best in everything.... And in everyone.... 
When we are always looking for the best, 
we tend to overlook a lot of important things. 
This has been a really big one for me.... 
I was willing to overlook a lot of things.... 
That's not really a good idea.

It's not practical and it can be dangerous. 
I think it comes from wanting others to see the best in me. 
But if they see it, they see it. If they don't, they don't. 

I think sometimes, they don't want to see the good in me
because it highlights things they don't like about themselves. 
I used to get that way. I used to feel a certain way about myself
around people who are well developed in all areas.... 
Who had healthy upbringings and healthy families.... 
It highlighted the facts of my life and about myself. 
About the people around me. 
People who didn't and don't want to listen to me
when it comes to talking about certain issues. 







Anyway, this is why I have a hard time resolving conflicts
with my family, because they want to be in control
and they do not want to face their issues. 
And they do not want to be forced to face their issues. 
They don't even want to admit that they have issues. 
I know that I didn't want to admit it. 
I just got angry about it. 
And that's all I'd seen all my life. 
That was the only way I knew how to react. 

Instead of saying: "Okay, there may be some truth to this.
Whether I want to hear it or not."

And a friend was telling me that it's all about the approach. 
I didn't approach certain things in the best ways. 

So to avoid a confrontation or conflict, 
we just didn't bring things up in my family. 
Because they'd just get angry. 
And it'd be this big fight about it
just bringing something up. 
So nothing got addressed. 

Because it would be perceived as an "attack"
to the ego and the ego just kicks into gear....
A threat to the ego.... 

"I'm going to have to make changes
and I don't know how to and don't want to
because it's not going to feel good and it's going to be hard."

And medication can't "fix" certain things. 
Can't teach us things that we need to learn. 

Education has to be part of treatment. 
It can't just be medication. 

I mean, symptoms are symptoms.... 
But there are things we can't change if we don't know how
or what needs to change etc. 

Medication only works on surface structure, not core structure. 
Core structure is more like personality.
And personality is hard to change. 
Personality traits.... 

The core structure keeps driving the surface structure.... 
But the medication can't fix the core structure. 

This is why medication isn't always effective. 
And people can keep trying to treat something
that is an outcome from unresolved issues. 
Which is a result from core issues. 

And if someone does not want to face their issues
no type or amount of medication is going to help that. 

I had a doctor ask me if I enjoyed being depressed, 
because I wasn't wanting to take medication. 
I have taken enough medication to know
that most of it does not work. 
And the issues I have are what drive my depression. 
And the medication isn't going to change or address the issues. 

Like we can have certain personality traits
that are not treatable with medication. 
And being aware of the things we do
and the ways we operate....
Is only one step. It doesn't make those changes happen. 
It helps us see certain things about ourselves
but we have to want to do something about those things
to even be able to do something about those things. 

And..... I've seen it in myself where I don't want to admit certain things
about myself, even to myself. 
Because it makes me feel bad about myself
and others look at me a certain way
that makes me feel bad about myself. 
So I tend to keep that sh*t to myself, 
but not being honest with myself
and lying to myself.... It just makes it easier
to keep lying to myself. 
And to keep hiding things about myself that I don't like. 

Like "I should hide this about myself
because people aren't going to like me."

And that's been most of my life. 
And I still have things to address about myself
that I don't like. And I know other people do, too. 
Their hangups and insecurities about themselves. 
It tends to leak out and people project it onto others. 
And the people who have it projected onto them, 
they tend to internalize it. I've done it. Most of my life. 
I've done it to others, without realizing I was doing it. 

And when I realized it, it was too late to fix that. 

And I really hope for a better outcome than what I have right now. 
I really hope I can repair things with my son in the future. 
I've made a lot of mistakes and bad choices. In the past. 

A lot of it is cognitive issues, and emotional issues. 
I don't believe that there is a medication that will help with that. 
Cognitive issues are only addressed in therapy. 
And not everyone is open to therapy. 

There was something I wrote down a while ago....
It was "The pain causes my suffering....
My suffering causes my struggling....
My struggling causes my strength."

But we don't have to struggle as much as we do. 
We only struggle so much because we are suffering. 
But how much of our suffering do we cause for ourselves?

And I am part of my son's issues. 
Because obviously he has issues with my issues
and his issues have gone unresolved for so long
because when his dad got custody of him
he wouldn't involve me in his medical or anything. 
So it made me look like I didn't care, but I do. 

But I really didn't know what was going on with him. 
He wouldn't talk about it. With me. 
Because he didn't know how. 
And we didn't talk about some things
that would have been good for us to talk about. 
That still would be good for us to talk about, 
but I didn't go about things the best ways.

And I was trying to get him help. 

I read this the other day:
"We tend to judge others by their behavior, 
and judge ourselves by on our intentions."

It's easy to say: "I meant well."
Without seeing how what we did affected the other person. 

And this is where I've been with my son. 
I couldn't see and didn't know how it would affect him. 
My intention was to get him help.
Because he needs it.
Whether he wants to admit it or not. 
Whether his father wants to admit it or not. 
The only one who knows what it is like
to live in his head is him. 

And the things he has told me are scary. 
Like "Gtfo of here, A***."

And that is what one friend told me.
To gtfo and not look back. 
But THAT'S MY SON AND HE NEEDS HELP.....
BUT WILL HE ACCEPT MY HELP?
AFTER THE THINGS I DID WEREN'T HELPFUL?
AFTER I FAILED TO TEACH HIM SO MUCH?
BECAUSE OF THE THINGS I STILL HAVE YET TO LEARN?

And this is what is going on with the world today.....
Uneducated people having kids.... 
And the kids not getting educated properly
because there is only so much being taught at schools
and the schools aren't always safe places for kids. 
But homes aren't always safe places for some kids, either. 

I did a lot of stupid stuff my mother did. 
That I never wanted to do with my son, but I did. 
I yelled at him. I left him with his father a lot and went out. 
That made him feel like I never loved him, but I always loved him. 
I didn't show it the way he needed it to be shown. 
And he treats me the way his father does. 
Which really does not help. 

And I want to have a bond with my son, 
I used to feel that we did, but I broke it
by taking another approach to things
and he really needs help
and it is up to me to try to get him help, 
but I really didn't go the right route. 

And because I made so many mistakes, 
he doesn't look at me the same anymore. 
And I look at myself a certain way. 
And I feel so sick about the mistakes I've made
that there are times I just want to die. 

I had a limited amount of time to try to figure out
what would be the best approach to help him. 
Before he turned 18.
I literally had like a month and nobody to help me. 
I know of a few people who would be good for him to talk to.
But because they know me, he might not want to talk to them. 

Ad he might want to be left alone, but it's not good
to just leave people alone.... Because it perpetuates the belief
that "nobody cares." Which isn't true. 

But sometimes problems we face are so big that they are beyond us. 
And I have been asking for help. 
And I couldn't believe that help was there for me
in a spiritual sense. 
It opened up a lot for me. That was closed before. 
But I guess I might have not have gotten to this point
if I kept going the other route.

That I tried to go with my son and that is why he is mad at me. 
And that I told the police, and the doctor 
and they couldn't do anything anyway.... 
It seems like I sacrificed my relationship with him for nothing. 
And that makes me so mad at myself. 
Yes, I got scared. Yes, I care. I really do care. 
I love my son. So very much. 
Even though I have at least a couple friends
who are pushing me to see that I could be in danger
because of the route I took with my son
that he didn't want to go. 
And I understand that, now. 
When you're scared, you are limited in how you're able to think. 

I know what doesn't work, now. 
So how do I reach out to my son?
How do I reconnect with him?
How do I connect with him?
After all of that?

And people say that time heals all wounds, it doesn't. 
It really f*cking doesn't. 
It takes so much more than time.

Yes, I've been f*cked up. I still am in a lot of ways. 
And yes, my son is, too. In more ways than I am. 
And him being around his father wasn't a good idea. 
I didn't know how bad it was. 
Apparently neither did CAS when they gave him custody. 
And I got alienated by him. 
And that weakened my connection with my son. 
Just a lot of things happened. 
And didn't get to happen. 
And it just.... Blew up. 
And none of this is what I wanted. 

But I wasn't working for what I wanted.... 
So I can't be so upset....
With how things turned out.... 
Because it was up to me.... 

So yes, I blame myself every f*cking day...
To the point that I don't want to live anymore. 
Like if I just went to sleep and didn't wake up, 
I'd have to just be okay with that....

A part of me still feels like there is a chance
to try to redeem my relationship with my son. 
I don't want to give up on that chance.