Made The Mistake

Made the mistake of telling my mother my business. 
I literally know better. 
When it comes to telling her how I feel, 
she doesn't want to hear it. 
When it comes to my brother being sh*tty to me, 
she'll listen to his side, him talking sh*t about me
but won't listen to me. 
And she even put me on speaker phone
so her husband could listen to us talk.
And he's only going to tell his family
who already judge me and have nothing to do with me. 
So I should have just told her "Happy Mother's Day."
The problem is that I'm too honest. 
And I haven't set boundaries with her. 
Which I should have a long time ago. 
Because I can't talk to her about anything
without her telling everyone. 
Like if I wanted everyone to know, I WOULD TELL THEM. 

She is a big part of a lot of problems I've had in my life. 
Shit she has done or said. 
She'll never admit to her faults
but wants to have something to talk about.... 
Why not tell everyone all the sh*tty things she's done and said?
About how she treated me and my son?
Why my son stopped having or trying to have anything to do with her. 
She stopped way before he did. 
And I still tried to encourage him. 

And I know why he didn't want to see her anymore. 
And he doesn't want to see me anymore. 

I wasn't the best mother. I wasn't the worst, but I wasn't the best. 
He spent a lot of time with his father
and eventually ended up living with his father
who is antisocial. Who doesn't express how he feels. 
Didn't listen to me about how I felt. 
We couldn't have those kinds of conversations. 
It got frustrating. His lack of understanding. 

All the while, I have BPD and never knew. 
And I don't know what he said about me to my son. 
He took out his frustrations with me to our son. 
Which really damaged my relationship with my son. 
He's had a lot of resentments with me. 

I wish we could have coparented like I wanted to. 
Even after we broke up, we lived together. 
In my late teens and 20s I've had a lot of self-esteem issues. 
And I just wanted love and thought that was going to 
heal the inner wounds I had. 
But it never did. 
There were times I thought it did. 
When I thought I was loved and appreciated. 
And that was what I had wanted. 

But I always sought that outside myself. 
Through the validation of others. 
Through pitting my worth on my relationships
and not fully cultivating the most important one. 
At the crutial times. And I blame myself for that.