Thinking About Things

Had a deep conversation with someone about some of these things. 
Not what I'm about to write about, but some other things. 
Things that I touched on a bit before. 
That I have to stop touching on so much because it is very painful. 
It's not a situation that I can heal right now. 
Even though I really wish that I could. 

There have been some stressful situations going on. 
Things that I don't know what to do with or about.
Some things that I can't do anything about.... At least right now. 

Been thinking I should keep more of my feelings to myself. 
I've been deceived a lot. Just a lot of things.... 
Hard to have faith in others, in myself, 
and in some things working out. 

A lot of heartbreak going on....
I'm really guarded emotionally these days. 
Hard to open up to anyone about anything. 

Still wanting to help people who are really hurting, 
but I keep getting hurt. In the process.... 
Lots of disappointments, distress... PAIN....

"It takes time to heal..."
Why is it such a struggle....?
Why do I keep wanting to go back to who hurt me?
Because I keep thinking I can help them?
Because I keep wanting to help them?
Why do I want to save them from themselves?
Because I love them? And who loves me?
Who's staying by my side? While I struggle and suffer, too?
Who sees me struggling and suffering? Who cares?
And no, I stopped hoping for anyone to save me from myself
because that's not realistic.... 
I have to be the one to save myself from myself. 
Yes, sometimes people need help
and don't know how to do certain things, 
but if we want to do it bad enough, we figure out a way to do it.

And yes, there are a lot of regrets I have in the past. 
Because I wasn't always focused on the right things. 
I f*cked up and couldn't see that I was f*cking up. 
I had to learn some things to mature. 
I'm still maturing and growing up. 
It's not easy to admit some things, 
but realizing things and admitting things seems to go hand in hand. 

Been open with my feelings before, even at times I tried to hold back. 
And when I started saying how I felt, it was like a flood gate.

Because it took years for me to be able to feel anything.... 
And sometimes there were times I regretted saying how I felt. 
And times others did not feel the same way I felt. 
And if they didn't, all they had to do was TELL ME.
It would have not felt good, but I didn't need the pain
of being strung along for so long. 

And times I did feel something, but retreated. Emotionally. 
Like retracted my feelings because I wasn't sure that I felt the way I felt. 
Or if I really had any business feeling the way I felt
because I wasn't healed from some painful stuff from the past....

I guess a part of me thinks or fools myself into thinking
that I'll get some sort of justice when they finally realize
some key things about me and about themselves
and that they'll come to see that I never meant any harm. 
That all I wanted to do was what was right. 
And I don't have any control over how anyone feels about that. 
Or how they feel towards me for doing that. 
I'm sorry that I bruised their egos
and that they can't seem to get over it. 
Hoping in time, they will, but I don't have control
over if they will or won't. 

And I keep thinking that if I knew exactly what to do, 
what to say, what to think, how to react, 
I would have taken a different approach to it. 
I know better now, but hindsight is 20/20.

And I can't spend my whole life beating myself up over it. 
Even when others will never forgive me. 
Even if they hate me for the rest of their lives.... 

I had a conversation with another mother today. 
She told me some things she went through.... 
She had a good ending, a complete turn around... 
It took 6 years for her son to make a turn around. 
For them to become closer than ever. 
After a really rough time. 

I keep getting told that I don't know
if being separated from my son is forever. 
It might be, but I don't know that it is. 
He might change his mind about me. 
Although I can't guarantee it. 

"You don't know that."
There were times I never thought I'd see him again. 
But those times weren't as bad as this time. 
Nothing has been as bad as this time. 
And it was sort of a knee-jerk reaction. 
Based on some advice someone gave me, that I took. 

And I regret doing it and didn't know better. 
People told me I was doing the right thing.
And I wanted to do the right thing.... 
For all the right reasons.... 
Because that's the kind of person I am. 

It's been really hard being in this position. 
And feeling absolutely STUCK....
And all I can do is try to move on from this.... 
But how am I supposed to move on from this?

I miss my son, I love him. 
This has been really hard. 

I don't feel like I got a fair shot. 
And when I had chances I f*cked them up. 

Feeling like I'm stuck in purgatory. 
Constantly paying for past mistakes.... 
But feeling like I can't move forward.... 
Feeling STUCK here.... 
Feeling like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.... 
Feeling like I want to resolve all the conflicts that I have in my life....
Not knowing how.... But wanting to.... 
Conflicts I had a hand in creating.... 

Feeling so heavy.... Feeling weak.
Feeling useless.... 
Not worth having what I wanted.... 
Because I f*cked up and couldn't make things right. 
That I really wanted to make right. 
That I still want to make right....
Will I ever be able to make things right?

I wish that I could just open up.... Completely.... 
To just be honest... Open, real. 
But I can't trust everyone with my heart. 

Been feeling really f*cked up. Emotionally. 
A lot of heavy emotional challenges.... 
Feeling like I need to protect myself, emotionally. 
Because of all the pain and from all the madness.... 
And not knowing how to deal with these problems I've had... 
Feeling f*cking useless.... 
And f*cking stupid.... 
And f*cking tired of feeling like this. 
And tired of just waiting to see how things play out.... 
And tired of being thrust into situations
that are so f*cking beyond me.... 

I don't want to get emotionally attached to anyone. 
I had so much love for someone who really did not gaf about me. 
As is often the case, it seems. Which really sucks... 

I have f*cked up every relationship I've ever had. 
With everyone in my life. Everyone. 
Mostly because they've judged me. 

I don't even really want to be in love with anyone. 
I don't want to go there again. 
I learned a lot from the last time I got hurt. 
And from my failed relationships. 
And it's not that I ruined every single one, 
but I have played my role. In some way or another.
Others have played their roles with me, too. 
They have had a hand in some things, too. 
Whether it was judging me, or f*cking up in their own ways.... 
Giving me things to react to.... 
Even though I was still the one who reacted the way I reacted.... 

And what was I supposed to do, though? What?
I wish I knew how to handle it in the BEST way.... 
The RIGHT way.... Without alienating my son, 
but addressing it in the way it needed to be addressed.... 
Without making things worse like I possibly did.... 
Without jumping the gun.... Like I seem to be prone to do.... 
Getting things twisted, when things seem twisted.... 

Just tired.... Of trying so hard and getting nowhere. 
And doing the wrong things at the wrong time. 
Tired of things falling apart in my life.... 
No matter how hard I try.... 
Just f*cking up left and right.... Day and night.... 

Not smoking pot as often as I did. Probably for the best. 
Wish I hadn't started smoking and drinking after my son was born. 
It took me too long to quit. 

My son has been really let down by me and by his father. 
He doesn't talk to his dad and does not open up to him. 
He was opening up to me. He felt like he could. 
Just opened up to me about some things.... 
That I had to take seriously.... 
That I had to do something about. 

And I didn't know wtf to do.
I never was in this situation before..... 
But I reacted to it. I didn't think things through. 
I felt I had to take action. 

When I was doing good, people got mad at me. 
And then they accused me of "showboating"
when I was finally doing well. 
And now I feel like I'm just not going to recover from this. 

It took me so long to get to the place I was at.... 
A really long time.... 
And this has been so major and heavy
that it's been weighing on my soul. 
My heart is just.... Broken.... 
I feel broken, but I have to be strong. 

"Intuition or Fear....?"
Is it really my gut? Or is it fear?

It's like people don't want to see me doing well
or being happy and they want to shut me down. 

And some people get so jealous that they try to f*ck with me. 
Been doing a bunch of sh*t behind my back. 
There's still a lot that I don't know. 
It's been f*cked and been so stuck in my head about it. 

They don't want to see me happy or succeed. 
What is worse is that I think they got to my son. 
And I don't know how to tell him. 
He's not wanting me in his life
because he scared me so much that I took some action. 
People put so much negative energy on me.... 
So I don't know why, I never did anything to them.... 

But Karma is real. They'll get back what they pushed onto me. 
Things could have been good, but they just hated me. 
Hated that I got sober, that I quit hard drugs. 
That I was studying. 
That I was trying to feel better.... 

At first, I was feeling great and then things started going downhill. 
I've never been so stuck in my head so bad as I was. 
Until a couple years ago.... 
Over that and over this.... 
And I don't know why those loving feelings
have been so hard to quash, 
they shouldn't even be there after all this. 
All the psychological and emotional abuse.... 

Why do I still feel a certain way about people
who f*cking kept hurting me?
Who did it intentionally?
Who seemed to enjoy it?
It was like entertainment to them
and I was like: "They wouldn't do that to me...."
And I was like: "But I still love them...."
And it was just insanity.... 
Because they gave me every reason not to..... 

I keep seeing deeper into it. In both ways. 

And I hope that things get resolved. 
That's what I've hoped for all this time. 
Either that or a fresh start.... 
Will things change?

Things can change, people can, too. 

But I keep feeling insecure, inferior, 
and just.... Pretty jaded. Hopeless....
When it comes to relationships. 

I know that I f*cked up. 
And I don't know what to do about it. 
If I knew what to do about it, I'd do that.
I was doing what I thought was right. At the time. 

But I can see that I was acting on my fears.
Whether or not what I did was 'right.'
And I second guess it all the f*cking time. 

Had I not gone that route, maybe I could have turned things around. 
I don't know what's going to happen. 
I just really want to try to fix things. 
I just don't know how.