Sweet Of Him

I went back to the kitchen for the first time in over a year.
After the program, I didn't go back for a while.
I had acne pretty bad due to stress...
So I didn't go back for a while.

Anyway, when I got there, I went through the garage
and I helped R*** clear some pallets.

They got lots of donations from all over the place.
They get donations from the food bank.

So they got someone from upstairs to come down and help us. 
A guy who kept seeing me gag and choke
because the mask and stupid goggles were uncomfortable
and it really sparked my gag reflex. 
Sometimes the gagging gets so bad that I puke.
It sounds gross, and it is....
I also gasp for air so I kind of got some vomit in my lungs.
And I had a coughing fit for a while....
He kept asking me if I was okay, which was sweet of him.

I caught him looking at me a few times.
When he thought I didn't notice. 
He was kind of checking me out.
Or it seemed that way.
Maybe curious about me, idk. 
"the new girl"
who everyone seemed to know
because I got to know the people there
from when I volunteered there before
and from when I was in the program.

They like me, but I still have a hard time
being "real" around them. It's hard to explain.

I try to be "normal" around them, 
but I find it really hard to do.
It's hard to explain that, too. 
I felt awkward a few times around people. 

Even when I like people, 
I feel awkward about being around them
and I have a hard time just being "normal"
around most people.

I thought it was sweet of him. 
I'm just not really wanting a relationship with anyone.
Call me stupid, but I still have love for someone
who kept f*cking me over and betraying me.

Kept acting like they didn't want me, 
and was too much of a coward to tell me 
how they really felt about me.
F*cked himself over by f*cking me over.
And letting people f*ck us both over
because we could have had something
had he not let people get in his head about me.

Letting toxic people tell him what to do.
Jealous people. 

Like he didn't want me talking to guys, 
but he was talking to all kinds of girls
and ignoring me to go talk to them
and mess around with them
even though I wasn't doing that to him.

Every time I blew him off, it was because he'd done it to me
or he'd treated me badly 
or he was behaving like a f*ctktard.
Being sh*tty to me when he never had to be.
While the people he chose over me
were being sh*tty to him....

Anyway, that is why you have every right to call me stupid.
For having any kind of emotion for him.

When clearly, he could not give two f*cks for me.
And those other girls didn't give two f*cks for him, 
they just did not want to see him with me
so they sabotaged it any way they could, 
by getting between us,
but had he wanted me, truly.....
He wouldn't have let that happen.
He would have just come to me.
Just been with me the whole time.
Started something with me.
Even told me he wanted something with me.

Instead of just getting jealous of my friends
and trying to make me jealous with other girls.
When I'm not the type of person who plays those games.
I'm not trying to make him jealous.
He was welcomed to meet my friends.

He didn't want me to meet his friends
and they were all trying to keep us apart.

And maybe one day he will see that.
And find out that they were plotting and scheming.
How they used his addictions against him.
And he let them.

And he didn't choose me.
So he had to lose me to see what he had.

He wanted someone who wouldn't f*ck him over.
I didn't. When he told me he got with someone else, 
and posted a pic of them together, 
I backed off and told him to choke on a bag of d*cks.
I was insulted he'd even try to contact me after that.
Knowing how I felt about him. 
Not doing anything about it, 
choosing someone else, trying to rub it in my face, 
always putting me down, treating me like sh*t.
For what? To play me?
Because he thought I was playing him?
Because he never realized that my feelings were real?
And got scared I'd cheat on him?
Or betray him like he did to me?

All his fears about that were in his head.
I never f*cked him over. 
Not even after he f*cked me over.... Many times.

Anyway, why do I even feel anything for him?
I fell hard for someone who didn't want me.
Who didn't choose me.

Anyway, wtf am I even thinking about this anymore?

C***** was helping me get over this. 
I knew he didn't want me, either, 
but he was showing me that not all guys are d*cks.
I know they aren't. 
But he was showing me, 
but was kind of a d*ck thing to say
that it was insecure of me
to want to talk to him constantly
and to ask him what he thought of me. 

Probably because it shouldn't matter 
what people think of me. Even him. 

I can feel for what the guy put himself in, 
but I don't know why he stayed so long in it
if he knew he was not happy.

Or why he told me it was over
and lied about that....
And hid that he lied about it....
Why do that? To keep me in limbo?
In the dark? On ice? WTF?
And why did I even stay that long for that?

Like when you have to guess how someone feels....
Do they even feel anything?

Most people do not want to feel anything.
When I started feeling strong emotions for C*****, 
I took the chance and told him, 
but I just cannot have anything with him
for a variety of reasons
and mainly because he does not want anything with me.
And I know that. I knew that from the start.
He told me at the start. 
And it was something I had to accept. 

That would have been some pipe dream anyway. 
Is he a great guy? Yeah, absolutely.

I still have a pull in one direction.
Towards someone for one more chance. 
But he needs to want that. 
I'm not going to make him see wtf was going on. 
I know, now. He was involved with others.
Who did not want to see him grow. 
Did not want to see him change. 
Did not want to see him happy. 
Did not want to see him move on.
With me. 
So they did what they had to do to stop that.

And I didn't know he was with someone. 
I didn't know a lot of sh*t. 
A lot he didn't and wouldn't tell me.
And all that sh*t he thought about me, 
none of that is true. 

Again, why am I still talking about this?

My friends want to see me happy. 
And they don't want me stuck
with an @sshole 
who just wants to be an @sshole.....
My friends want someone and something good for me
because they care about me.
They want that for me. 

But I f*cked up a lot, too. 

I f*cked up a lot of sh*t, too. 

Especially with my son. 
I didn't help him feel good, like I wanted to. 
I f*cked that up, badly. 
Now he wants nothing to do with me.

I still want to have hope that he wakes up.
That he grows up and sees I did the best I could
with what I knew at the time. 
And that I've had to learn a lot. 
That I've had to learn, too.
I'm still learning. 

I'm not perfect by any means.
I never was. I was just me. 
But I was a version of myself
that I don't want to be anymore. 
That I wish I never was....

And I realize how I was being....
And I don't ever want to be that way, again. 
And don't know why I was being that way.