Let Them Go

Been thinking a lot about some things. 
Moving past some stuff.... 
That wasn't fulfilling.... 
Stuff I wasn't aware of and am not signing up for.
Who tf wants to be a sister wife? 
A second option? A third? A fourth?

Just.... Why? Who? For what?
To wait for things to change?
To want things to get better?
That aren't? That won't?
It wasn't.... So? What now?

Still waiting on my settlement....
For my ships to come in, so to speak....

I've got my groups....
Thursdays and starting on the 20th for 5 weeks....

I'll be going back to the kitchen on Fridays from now on.
It used to be Tuesdays, but Fridays work for me.

It's okay though, when you love someone... Let them go.
I know what he's been doing.
And I want no part in it. He knows that.
He knew that the whole time. 

But I know there's more going on than I've been told. 
He chose what he chose. 

And he thinks things about me that aren't true.
Thought I was sleeping with my friends.
Someone made an assumption about me
and he judged me off that.
And a friend stayed with me for a while, 
he thought I was sleeping with him.

While the whole time, he was sleeping with his "ex,"
leaving me out in the cold, being cold to me, 
being an @sshole to me....
Litterally pushing me away, 
With the things he did and said.....
Which caused me to react.....
Instead of just telling me he didn't trust me....
But turns out that I can't trust him....

AND STILL I LOVED THE GUY.....
THE WHOLE TIME WAS BEING FAITHFUL
EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER COMMITTED TO ME
WASN'T EVEN ALL THAT KIND OR CONSIDERATE.
WASN'T EVEN ALL THAT WARM WITH ME....

BASED ON ONE THING SOMEONE SAID TO HIM
ABOUT ME THAT WASN'T TRUE.....
AND OTHER PEOPLE SAYING SH*T ABOUT ME
THAT WASN'T TRUE.....
AND HIS OWN THOUGHTS ABOUT ME
THAT WEREN'T TRUE....
WHILE DOING WHATEVER HE WANTED TO DO
THAT APPARENTLY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME....

ALL THE WHILE I STILL WAITED FOR HIM....
STUPIDLY. TO SEE THE TRUTH ABOUT ME....

ALL THE WHILE HE KEPT THE TRUTH ABOUT HIMSELF
FROM ME.... ABOUT BEING IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP
THAT HE TOLD ME WAS OVER, BUT WASN'T......

AND HE WAS BEING A PLAYER. WHILE I WAITED FOR HIM.
LIKE THE F*CKING IDIOT I WAS BEING....

BUT IF HE WANTED ME, HE DIDN'T SHOW IT.
HE THOUGHT I WANTED MY FRIENDS.
HE WANTED HIS FRIENDS....

AND NOW, I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT IT
BECAUSE IT WAS BULLSH*T.
HE'S F*CKING BLIND.
COULDN'T SEE AND DIDN'T WANT TO SEE
ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

THOUGHT I WAS LYING TO HIM ABOUT MY FRIENDS
WHILE HE WAS LYING TO ME ABOUT HIS....

But whatever.... I got tired of trying to get him to see.....
The one he chose only wanted his money.
Manipulated him, didn't love him
but that is how he was treating me....

And I could have gotten with someone else, 
because it was f*cking hopeless waiting for him
and hopeless to wait for him to see.
The truth about me....

But I didn't. Hmmm, I wonder why that is.....

HE STILL BELIEVES THE LIES.
AND TOLD ME LIES....

THAT I BELIEVED.... STUPIDLY....

HE THOUGHT HE WAS PLAYING ME, 
AND THOUGHT I WAS PLAYING HIM, 
WHEN HE ONLY PLAYED HIMSELF.
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THAT NOBODY COULD BE FAITHFUL.
TO HIM BECAUSE PARTNERS CHEATED IN THE PAST.

AND HE THOUGHT I WAS DOING THAT.
THAT I WOULD DO THAT.

I MADE MY MISTAKES IN MY 20S
DUE TO LOW SELF-ESTEEM
BUT IT DID NOT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.

That is why I kept to myself more.
And shouldn't have hooked up with him. 
I thought if he got to know me, 
he might see me for me, but he had his thoughts about me.
And beliefs about me, that aren't true
and it got to a point where it didn't matter what I said
because he didn't believe me, nor respect me.

AND IT JUST REALLY SUCKS.
BECAUSE THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT.
ON BOTH SIDES.

There are guys who like me. I didn't get with any of them.
There's only one guy I got with in 6 years. Only one.
Who wouldn't work on it with me.
Wouldn't show me any emotion.

Did he feel something for me? I thought he did.
Only he knows for sure.
Maybe he did because he was mad at me
when he thought what he thought about me....

And when I found out things..... I got upset, yeah.
All he had to do was talk to me.
That is all he had to do.
That would have made all the difference.

But he didn't, he wouldn't. 
Because he wanted to be about what he was about.
Wanted to be a player, f*ckboy. Community d*ck.
That's what he wanted. And he lied to me.
Gave me every reason not to want to be with him.

And he's had haters around him who didn't want to see him with me.
Because they knew he might have had the chance to be happy.
And they don't want to see him happy....

He held himself back and got held back.....
And that's the way it happened.

Because he didn't come and talk to me.
And stayed where he was at. Even though he wasn't happy.
And I wasn't happy. 
Because I wanted to be with him, 
but he didn't want to step forth, or step up.
To give me a real chance.
To give us a real chance.
And mr. f*ckboy FOMO, MOFO.....
JUST WANTS TO BE ABOUT WHAT HE'S ABOUT.

WHILE STAYING WITH SOMEONE
WHO IS BEING ABOUT WHAT SHE'S ABOUT
AND SHE APPARENTLY DOES NOT WANT TO LET HIM GO
BUT DOESN'T WANT HIM EITHER.
SO HOW IS THAT FAIR TO HIM?

And how is that fair to someone who wanted to be with him?

BUT WHEN DO I EVER GET WHAT I WANTED?
AND YEAH, I GAVE UP LOVE IN THE PAST FOR MY EX.... 
ONE OF THE BIGGEST REGRETS OF MY LIFE.
AND I COULDN'T QUIT DRINKING SOONER.
MY LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!!!
HAD I JUST CHOSEN LOVE.... 

BUT I GAVE UP THAT OPPORTUNITY.
AND MADE MYSELF LOOK LIKE SOMETHING I WASN'T.
LIKE I WAS PLAYING GAMES THE WHOLE TIME.
LIKE I NEVER LOVED THE GUY.
BUT I DID.

BUT I STILL BROKE HIS HEART
AND STILL MADE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A B*TCH
BECAUSE I CHOSE MY EX.
WHO ENDED UP BEING TOXIC TO MY CHILD.
AND MY CHILD TREATED ME THE WAY
MY EX TREATED ME. 
BECAUSE HE SAW THAT. THAT'S WHAT HE WAS TAUGHT
BY HIS FATHER.
PART OF THE REASON I DON'T HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE.
I REGRET NOT HAVING CHOSEN LOVE.

That is why I wanted to follow my heart this time.
Thinking it would be the last time.... Hoping. 
That the one I knew I loved... Would see me... For me. 
And F*CKING REALIZE THAT I LOVED HIM.
And it hurt so bad that he couldn't see it, wouldn't. 
REFUSED TO SEE IT.
LOOKED FOR "REASONS" I DIDN'T.
That weren't even there. 
BUT THERE WERE REASONS HE DIDN'T WANT ME.
Because he wanted to stay a f*ckboy. 
He wants to choose his ex
who is toxic for his kids and for him. 
He isn't choosing love. 

And what am I to do? 
Try to let those feelings just die?
Walk away and let him be about his mess?
Like the one who loved me did? 
After I broke his heart? 

I broke my ex's heart, too. 
He broke mine, too. 
And my son has a broken heart. 
He used to be a happy kid. I miss that. 
I miss him being happy. 
All the negativity he's been around
has made him so negative.... 

I didn't like who I was becoming when I was with his father. 
Because I really wanted validation from him, affection, love. 
He loved me to the extent that he could, 
but the negativity was getting to be too much. 

And I kept looking for love when I was still thinking
that maybe I could find it, instead of letting it find me, 
And for validation when I just... Wasn't finding it.

Instead of working on myself, building myself up.

And when I just drop this and move tf on....
I have a feeling that he's going to realize
that I never f*cking wronged him. 
That I wanted him the whole time
and he was the one f*cking sh*t up
by getting me so defensive and not coming to me to just talk.... 
And I got defensive because of how he was treating me. 
Not because I was ever hiding anything. 
I literally have nothing to hide. 
I wasn't f*cking him over or f*cking him around, 
or f*cking anyone.....

And I trusted him.... But he was not being trustworthy.
I wanted to choose love, but he didn't. 
And I have to turn my back. 
He already turned his, before I did. 
And his EGO turns me OFF. Makes me sick. 
All the games he played with me. 
Nothing got off the ground because he didn't want to go there.
Being harsh and arrogant does not want to me want him. At all. 

Anyway, I will just have to live my life. Without him. 
It took me so long to walk away. 
He took forever, wasn't interested. 
He did so much damage to me, to the connection we had. 
To his chance with me.... To himself.... 

IT WAS A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE.
I feel like he'd only break my heart all over again
if I went and tried to talk to him. 
I'd just get more of the same bullsh*t. 

MY HEART IS STILL BROKEN.
I don't even want anything with anyone anymore. 

"Then why still talk about it, A***?"
Idk. Idk why I wanted to follow my heart.
Straight into heartbreak....
And that is what I get. 
So I just would rather not.

Just was so turbulent and so disappointing and just....
It taught me a lot, though. It did.

But... I do not want to repeat that sh*t.
With him or with anyone else.

Just.... Whatever. Too tired.
Of trying to feel good enough
for guys I'll never f*cking be good enough for.....
So I just do not want to keep trying. Too tired.