Some Hope

Life can really take us for a ride.
Things can happen unexpectedly and just... 
A lot of sh*t goes the way we didn't want it to go.... 
I have lived it. 
Like wanting to have honest conversations.... 
But we can't when people don't want to hear the truth.... 
Or face it.... They are just unable to handle it. 
Or handle themselves.... 

But yeah, I've had a lot of toxic people in my life
who I do not have in my life anymore. 
And they taught me a lot about what I really wanted out of life. 
And yes, some people bring out the worst in us. 
And when we are around them a lot, 
it's easy not to be able to see that they are doing that to us. 
And that we are doing that to ourselves.
And to others.

And I kept thinking that I was asking for too much, 
but I was asking the wrong people. 

And I felt like I didn't deserve a lot of what I wanted. 
Which wasn't too much to ask for. It wasn't. 

It's that I was asking the wrong people. 

And it's not that my son was asking for too much, 
it's just the things he wanted from me
were things I was unable to give him, at that time. 
Not that I didn't want to give those things to him. 
And I think he thought that I wasn't because I didn't want to. 
It wasn't that. 

It wasn't like I wanted a whole lot in my life. 
Maybe just people to care about me and show it. 
And that wasn't asking a whole lot, but I was asking the wrong people. 
Who either do not care about anyone
other than themselves or really can't show it.
Or show me that they really don't care, period. 

Like most of my family. And that is sad. It really is. 
And there were times I didn't care as much as I should have. 
I've seen it. Afterwards and felt like a.... B*tch for lack of a better word.... 
A stupid, selfish person. 
And I want to pound my past self into the ground for that
but I cannot change the past. 
And I can't pound myself into the ground
unless it is going back over things that I already did
in my head, over and over and over again.... 
I don't know why. I have permanent reminders of that. 
I really make myself feel sick when I think back
on how I used to be. Because I really wish I wasn't like that. 
I really wish I had never been like that. 
I really don't know why I was.... 

But I can't blame the alcohol for the impulsiveness anymore.... 
It probably wasn't just the alcohol anyway. 
But definitely was not helping me. 
I used it to try to cope with my emotions, but it never really helped. 
Maybe an excuse for being reckless. "I was drunk."
But other than that, it wasn't anything helpful or useful. 

I think that most people who are and have been drinkers can relate. 
To the impulse stuff. Even drinking is an impulse thing. 
For alcoholics, not for someone who can have a casual drink
here and there.... Socially, like 1 drink.... 
And can just cap it at one drink.... 

But the impulse stuff started at a young age for me. 
I can remember acting on impulses at a young age. 
I still find myself acting on impulses.

The other day.... Someone texted me out of the blue.... 
I thought it was someone I was sort of seeing. 
He thought he was texting someone else.
He said "It's me." Like I was expected to just know who it was, 
but I just wanted him to identify himself
because I didn't know who it was. 

But I was getting mad at the guy
because I thought it was someone else. 
And because I just wanted him to tell me who he was. 
Would have saved a lot of time. 
We could have been like: "Whoops! Wrong number!"
And we wouldn't have had those reactions to each other. 

I ended up calling the guy and leaving a message.
Not to think he was talking to who he thought he was talking to. 
Because he wasn't and I wasn't either. 

But when someone wants to know who is texting them, just tell them. 
If you can't hear their voice, you don't know who it is. 
And saying "It's me" doesn't help. 

Anyway, it was an impulse to react the way I reacted. 
And I was acting angerily. 
Because I wanted to know who it was.
And they were not telling me.
And then I thought I knew who it was, but it wasn't. 
And I reacted to the person I thought it was. 

It was kind of funny looking back on it. 
Had he just said who he was, or I did....
We would have just had a different experience. 

And any one little thing like that can change so much!

Anyway, I am really tired today. 
I keep thinking about the past.... A lot
and I want to fix some of the things that I f*cked up. 
And I don't know how to do that.
Or if I can do that....

Because people see me negatively and they blame me
for things they did wrong. 
They won't take responsibility for their own mistakes. 
And they won't let me take responsibility for mine. 
They are just willing to blame their sh*t on me. 
When they can make their own choices. 
Regardless how they feel about anything I did or whatever. 

But they can't seem to see or care about how things they do affected me. 
And even if they can, they want to make it my fault. 

I still wanted to fight for it, and tried to make things work. 
But when they blame me, they think negatively about me. 
And when it wasn't my fault, then they still think badly of me. 
And they act towards me based on how they feel about me. 

They just saw things I did that they didn't like. 
They don't see the things that they did. Or didn't do.... 
But ALL of it was MY fault. 
Like IF I DID EVERYTHING THE WAY THEY WANTED....
WE WOULDN'T BE HERE, 
BUT NO COOPERATION OR COMPROMISE FOR ME.... 
SO HOW IS THAT FAIR?

People are quick to blame others for their stuff.
Because "Why should it be ME? MY fault?"
How did I ask for this?

But often, there are things WE do that f*ck stuff up. 

I was talking to someone the other day....
He asked me: "Are you always this needy?"
I hadn't seen myself as needy before,
but I can see how others see me that way. 
When I "need" help, advice, love, kindness etc.

For the most part, I've needed help to deal with this. 
Because it is too much for me to handle. 
It's something I've never been through before. 
It's really f*cking hard to handle. 

And a lot of people feel that way, not just me. 
A lot of people don't know what to do 
so  they don't do anything for a long time. 
Or at all.... Because they don't know what to do. 
And they think they are powerless. 

And yes, some things are out of our control. 
How people look at us and see us, mostly is. 
Unless we always make a good impression of ourselves.... 
But if they are going to blame us, 
they are going to look at us as though we ARE to blame
even if we are not to blame!
Even if it was a choice they made!

We are only to blame for the choices we make/made.... 
Not for the choices others make. 

I got blamed for a lot of sh*t that wasn't my fault. 
And I blamed others for things that wasn't their fault. 
Because I couldn't see how it was actually my fault
and I didn't want to feel bad that it was my fault. 

But people have made their choices, too. 
And yes, their choices affected me, 
but the effects were how I allowed it to affect me. 
But I couldn't see that for a long time. 

And my choices affected others. Obviously. 
But as my friend pointed out, 
"It's not up to you how others react."
If they don't like something, 
they are not going to have a good reaction to it. 
People do not like what I did. 
They look at me badly for doing it. 
Because it affected them in a way they did not like. 
But it is not up to me how they react. 
If it was, things would be different. 

And it is not up to them how I react, either. 
I'm not going to take certain things well. 
I may take some things pretty well.... 
Depending on what those things are, 
but other things..... I'm not going to take well. 
Things that really bother me, scare me, hurt me. 

And some things I don't know how to take....
I've taken a lot of sh*t I feel like I should never had had to take. 
More than a lot of other people can take.... 
And I don't know how I'm still here sometimes. 
I really don't f*cking know.... 
It's been really f*cking hard. Really hard. 

Am I supposed to help others get through some things?
Is that my purpose? People who allow me to help?
Who can see that I've been through some things they did?

Like someone who had a parent commit suicide?
Been through some of the traumas I've been through?
What was going through all of this even for?
Obviously to learn what I've had to learn, but more than just that. 

I'm still learning. That doesn't stop. 

Emotionally, all of this stuff has been overwhelming. 
I don't know how to feel about a lot of stuff. 
Even the stuff I'm facing these days.... 
I have a lot of mixed feelings, a lot. 

But I just know that I'm sad. 
I probably should be angry, too. 
About some of this stuff. 
Because people who should be taking responsibility
are not taking responsibility
for their own mistakes and putting the blame on me
when they need to be responsible for their own choices. 
And yes, I need to be responsible for mine. 

And my feelings about everything. 
Not just about them, but everything. 

Including my anger and resentments and everything. 
It's easier to see where others are going wrong, 
not how and where we are going wrong. 
We don't have to shove the mirror in anyone's face. 
As my brother pointed out, 
but he loved to do it to others
and blame his reactions on me. 
When it is not my fault how he reacts. 
He needs to be in control of his own reactions. 
And his actions and I need to be, too
of my own, not his. 
He has to control himself. 
I have to control myself. 

And yes, I wasn't very good at showing that to my son. 
He's seen me get angry many times. 
And have bad reactions to stupid sh*t. 
I wish he never saw that. 
I wish he saw me doing better, differently. 
But I can't change the past. 

My son has seen me not being at my best, 
not being a responsible parent. 
He remembers me that way. 
He still looks at me that way. 
That I can't help him or do any good for him. 
Because he hasn't seen me as able to. 

Definitely not at those times. 
He's seen me act immaturely. 

It's kind of like how I've seen my mother trip. 
And I was thinking "how can she act that way?"
Does she not know she's embarrassing herself and me?
And I did that, I acted like that. 

All because I wanted control
over things I did not have any control over. 

Instead of accepting that I did not have control
over those things.... 
And focusing more on what I have control over. 
Which doesn't feel or seem like much. 

Like the less I can control, 
the less control I feel like I have. 
Over anything. And that is a sh*tty feeling. 
It's frustrating and.... Frustrating. 
And yeah, being angry has had a lot to do
with wanting control that I didn't have.

Because I wanted a certain outcome
that I couldn't get of make happen. 

Capricorns are known for wanting a hand in their own destiny. 

Anyway, I want to have some hope for the future.
Even when it does not look like there is any.