Like Your Life Depends On It

It's hard but sometimes we have to let people fall on their faces.
I have to keep telling myself this. 
Let people f*ck up.... To learn. 
I learned a lot from f*cking up. 
I still regret a lot of sh*t I did and said.
And didn't do or say....

Lots of regrets. Loads of regrets.
My past has been coming back and really getting to me....
Everything....
Having a hard time living with myself....
Forgiving myself.....

I'm sad and I don't feel like I can just 'get over it.'
It's been doing a number on me.
It's been really hard, really hard.
I did a lot of it to myself, but I....
Couldn't see what I was doing
and others know what they are doing
and they choose to do it. To me.

And putting me in positions where I don't have much choice.
So I don't know why they do that.
But they act like it wasn't them.
Like it was always me who put myself there....
Like I wanted to be there.... Welp, I didn't.

And then act like they never did what they did
or said what they said....
Or treated me the way they treated me....
Mistreated me, took me for granted....

And I get others feel the same way as I do.

I understand how my son feels. 
About what I did. I get it.
About all of it. He feels like I did it to get back at him or something. 
I didn't. I wanted to get him help, he needs it. 
However, the way I was trying to help wasn't helping. 
I see that now. I see a lot of things now. 
Been beating myself up over the past. 
Over things I can't f*cking change. 
Over every mistake I made. 

And he has to want to get help. 
He has to see he needs it.
And I feel like I can't make people see 
what they are choosing not to see. 

That I care, that I love them, that I want to do the right thing.

That I have learned from my mistakes, 
that I have changed, that I'm still learning, changing....

But their journey is their journey
and how they feel about me
is based on how they choose to look at me. 

And no, I didn't always do the right thing. 
I've f*cked up. A lot. 
I wish I didn't f*ck up. 
I wish I never f*cked up, 
but I did because I had to learn some things. 

It sucks that f*cking up taught me those things. 
And people who set me straight taught me things. 

And I wasn't able to set some people straight
because they don't want to be set straight. 
They want to hold onto toxic sh*t
because that is all they know. 
Who are they without that sh*t?
Do they even know?

I was living for the approval of toxic people, before.

And I needed certain things that I didn't get from others. 
I looked for those things from other people for a long time, 
but they were never in those people....
Approval, validation, nurturing etc.
If I found them in others, I would keep relying on them for that....
To fill me up, but they didn't because they can't. 
They don't know how to fill themselves up
so they can't fill me up. 

I have to learn how to fill myself up.
With all the love I wish I could just give to someone. 
And I don't know how to do that.
Most people don't know how to do that.
That is why they look for love outside of themselves.

My mother stayed in abusive relationships
because she couldn't love herself enough to be on her own
and just give her love to herself and her kids.

And I don't think she ever really felt loved.
I felt loved by my grandmother.
But she got used to toxic love
and she became really toxic. 
REALLY TOXIC.

I tried hard to have something healthy with her
but she kept destroying it.
Trying to make me feel bad about myself
and just all kinds of toxic sh*t.

And really it was because she didn't want me
to feel good, at all. 
Because she wanted to wallow in her own misery.
And she still does.
Like she wants me to see how she feels, 
but she does not want to acknowledge my feelings. 

Anyway, I still kept staying because she's my mother, 
but I stopped feeling close to her a long time ago.
When I realized that we are not close.
She pushed me away too much.
Never really drew me close to her.

We are very different. She knows it.
But not many people know it.
She only shows certain things and sides to certain people, 
but I know and have seen her ugly side.

My son has seen mine. 
Has seen things about me I wish he never saw.
So has his father and they both lost respect for me. 
I know this. I am not perfect.
Neither are they.
Even if they act like their sh*t doesn't stink...
Like it never stank, 
like there is nothing wrong with how they act, 
or how they treated me....
And apparently still do. 

People seem to get used to how they treat people.
Used to treating people a certain way.

People got used to treating me like I'm inferior, 
like I'm stupid, like I'm useless, like I have no power.
Or strength or anything.

Like they are superior, they are so much smarter, 
they are so useful, they have all the power....

Someone told me today that they think I'm resilient...
I've had no choice but to just take a bunch of sh*t
that I was forced to take. I had no choice in the matter.
I've had to accept choices I never made.

That others made, that affectced me.
That I never chose.
If it was up to me, if everything everyone did
was up to me, my life would be very different.

The lives of others would be different, too. 
The whole world would be different.

But it isn't. It's not up to me.
It's not up to me. I wish it was.
I'd make things different, if it was up to me.
Many things different.

I'd be treated better. 
My love would be returned.

But I need to treat myself better.
But now I need to love myself. 

C***** recommended a book I have yet to read.
He recommended "Love yourself like your life depends on it."

And sometimes I feel like my life does
actually depend on it....

Hard to feel all that good these days.
Not a lot to feel good about, seriously. 

I felt good about whatever I had going on with C*****, 
but that ended a while back,
because apparently I'm too insecure
and yes, I did want to talk to him, 
and yes, I did want to know what he thought of me. 
He told me. Not the only one who spoke their mind to me.

Don't ask, don't know. Is why I asked. 
And sometimes I didn't ask. 

And sometimes I'm told things I never wanted to hear.

Things that would BREAK other people. 
And I almost BROKE.

I lost it a couple times.
This sh*t is not easy!

It really f*cking hurts!
It really f*cking sucks!

I'm really sad. Really sad.
And I have to let people go.
And it really sucks.

I don't know what to do about this.
I've been told that I can do all that I can do.
That I have done all that I can do.
That I did more than most would do.