So Much

Someone told me to hold onto hope. 
"Without hope, all is lost."
I've tried having hope in hopeless situations before, 
and yes, I lost hope. 

I wrote a couple letters to my son. 
I know he's really angry with me and he might not read them. 

He's angry with me because I went to the police with what he told me. 
I was scared and I got convinced that it was the right thing to do. 
Since then, well, even before then....
He has not wanted anything to do with me. 
Because I did a wellness check on him
and asked the police to take him to the hospital. 
And he didn't want to go
and his father didn't want to go with him. 
And of course they blamed me for having to go
and spend 8 hours there.... 

Only to refuse treatment and he was sent home.

I know my son is unwell from the things he was saying. 
I know my son has been really hurt, a lot. 
Even by me. Because I was too consumed by my own suffering. 
To see that he was suffering, too. 
And I know he still is. 

I still want to have hope that he will realize some things
when he gets older. 

Some of the things I've been realizing. 

I still feel like I have to do something for him. 
To help him, but what I did didn't seem to help
and may have made matters worse.

I really need someone to connect with him.
And mentor and guide him. 

But one of the things that my friend told me
is that we can't just manufacture that type of bond. 
It has to be organic and come naturally
and I don't think he's in a trusting kind of mood
unless he has been trusting the wrong people... 
And I think that has been the case....

Because he has felt uncared for and not belonging anywhere. 
I am part of the problem. 
He remembers me at my worst. 
And I wasn't at my best when I went to check on him. 
And he didn't want me to. 
He and his father would not open the door. 
And I just wanted to know that he was okay. 

I had been worried about him, I care about him. 
I still love him, so much.... 

And I couldn't show him in the past. 
And writing a report wasn't showing him that. 
It made him not want to trust me. 
I can understand that. At the time, I wasn't sure he could be trusted. 
Because of the things he was saying. 

People can change. He hasn't been able to see the changes in me. 
He thinks I'm the same that I used to be. 
That I did it out of spite or something. 
Or revenge for him cutting me out of his life. 
That's not true. I just knew that what I did prior to that
really pissed him off and added fuel to his fire. 
And this really pissed him off and added more fuel. 

Because I listened to people.... What they were telling me. 
But they were telling me that I was doing the right thing. 
My friend told me that I did all that I can do
and that it is more than a lot of people would do.

I know his anger comes from pain, 
but he is unwilling to release it. He does not know how
or that it is possible and he's really stuck in his suffering right now. 
And I added to it. Whether what I did was right or not. 
And he cut me out of his life because he knew it would hurt me. 
And I don't know if he has been thinking of other ways to hurt me. 

I don't want to think the worst of him or others to, either. 
I know he thinks the worst of himself and really hates himself. 
He says he doesn't have empathy and doesn't care anymore. 

He does know how he feels, but he doesn't get that others suffer, too. 
And he and his dad have judged me a lot. 
Because of how I used to be. 
I've judged them, too, for shutting me out constantly. 

When all I've wanted was to have my son back in my life. 
And when he was, we were having a hard time connecting at times.... 
He still felt that I was not listening to him
and I felt he wasn't listening to me. 

I feel like most people don't listen to me. 
That they are considering themselves, only. 
It's been very frustrating. 
But I do not have control over who they consider
and who they don't, or if they consider me. 

I wish I hadn't made the mistakes I made. I've learned. 
I made a lot of the mistakes my mother made with me. 
But not all of them. 
I wish I had learned from her mistakes.... All of them. 
I wish I hadn't repeated those mistakes. 
Some of the things that ruined our relationship
ruined the relationship with my son and I.

I want to reconnect with him, but in a positive way
which I can't because he doesn't trust me now. 
And I was not sure I can trust him. 
And not sure I can, but I still want to be able to. 
I don't think he will trust me again, I don't know. 

I got scared and I was being told I was doing the right thing. 
I sacrificed my relationship with him. 
And he did, too, in his own ways. 
By telling me what he told me. 
By getting into that mindset.... 
He can get out of it, but he has to want to. 
He has to want to think about and believe new things, better things. 

Which is why he has to connect with someone
who will be really good for him, and good to him. 

I know he feels unwanted and unloved. 
I never wanted him to feel that way. 
I just wasn't ready. I still want him and love him. 
He just feels like nobody does. 
And I know how that feels. I really do. 
It's been part of my suffering for a long time. 

There are people who do care, though. 
He thinks there aren't. 
Because he has seen a lot of people not care about him. 
Or show him that they care about him. 
And he decided that it is easier not to care.
Because every time he cared, he got hurt. 
I understand that. 
But it was always something within others, not him. 

There were times he did care. About me, to a degree. 
We had good times that he can't remember. 
He remembers a lot of the negative stuff about me. 
All the times I've let him down and hurt him in the past. 
And I don't know why I did those things. That wasn't me. 
I was consumed in my own suffering. 
Unable to see the suffering of others. 

I just really wish we could have back what we used to have.
I really miss that. I really miss him. I miss us, together. 
Mother and son. I miss the bond we had
that got broken somehow, by both of us. 
Will we have that again?

It's been on my mind a lot. He has been on my mind, a lot. 
I really miss him. I really wish I could just do something
to make everything better. 
To make the suffering and pain stop. 
The suffering and pain that I caused. 
That others caused, that I couldn't prevent. 
I couldn't protect him from some things that traumatized him. 
Because I couldn't be there with him every moment of the day. 
To stop things from happening to him. 
That I wish I could have stopped from happening to him. 
But I couldn't. I wasn't there. I didn't know. 

And it took so long for him to say anything. 
And there wasn't anything I could do about it.
About a lot of sh*t that happened to him
and he wanted me to. I couldn't. 

I know how that feels, too. 

And the one who could have done something, 
was his father, but he didn't want to
because it is easier not to care
and that is how my son has become, too. 
Like his father. 
I trusted him to do what he needed to do. 
He also trusted me, but doesn't anymore. 

Because I wrote the report. 
AFTER I WENT TO HIM
AND HE WOULD NOT TAKE MY CONCERNS
INTO CONSIDERATION.... 

BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. 

That is why I felt I had to write the report
because I know my son feels like others don't take him seriously. 
And with the things he was saying, I felt I could not take that chance. 

Although, yes, I still love my son. 
I want him to heal from the past. 
I want to reconnect. I want to give him strength. 
I want to give him hope, love, all that I can. 
I just never had much to give, and I know he wanted more. 
From me, from my family, his father, from everyone. 
I wanted more, too. 
I wanted what I couldn't have. 

And yes, it made me angry. 
Because I felt I did actually deserve more, 
but I didn't. I f*cked up.
So why was I so angry?
Because others were getting what I wasn't?
What I wanted all along... 

To be taken seriously, to be heard, to be listened to... 
To be taken into consideration.... Understood....

And that is what others want, too. 
I know that's what my son wants, too. 

And he's at the age where I wanted it the most. 
And there's been a big disconnect with my mother
because of all the sh*tty things.... 
And I don't want to say it, 
but those things outweighed the other things. 

My family has been all about the drugs. 
There was a time I was like that, too. 
Mostly when I was with them. 

I wanted to be in my family
because it was the only family I had, 
even though my mother gave me up years and years ago. 
I still wanted to be there, if not for her, for my grandmother's sake.
I will always have love for my grandmother. 
I feel that she was the only one who ever truly loved me. 

I was looking for love from people who were just
incapable of loving me in the way that I wanted and needed to be loved. 

And I ended up alone. Not that I want to be alone, 
but I've gotten with people who were not right for me. 
A lot of it had to do with drugs. 

When I quit drinking, I realized that the only thing
that I had in common with my "friends" was that we drank. 
And it seems like the only things in common I had with my family
apart from DNA was that we smoked weed. 
And that was the only thing we really did together. 

And it was f*cked up. I got f*cked up. 
I've been pretty f*cked up being around people who are f*cked up. 
No matter how much I wanted to love them and be loved by them.... 
That just was not happening with them. 
Because they only really cared about themselves. 
And yes, I was selfish for a long time, too. 
I couldn't see how selfish I was actually being. 

Until I realized all the mistakes I made. 
Until I saw what it was doing. 
What I had done. What I had contributed to.... 
That I perpetuated the pain that was being caused to me. 
By doing the same sh*t, the same mentality.... Etc. 
Being stubborn, not willing to make changes to myself, etc. 
It took for my son changing for me to want to change. 
And hopefully it's not too late. 
I can only hope and pray that it isn't too late. 

But he has to want to change, too. To grow
and outgrow a lot of stuff he got himself into.... 
That I didn't know about. That he told me about
and I told him that I had to do something about it. 
And what I did probably didn't help. 
But I really did not know what to do. 

He knows the old me, not the new me. 
He knows the me that used to drink and do drugs
and used to try to date.... And just was all over the place
and he thinks I'm still like that. 
But I don't drink anymore. 
I'm not out there doing drugs. 

The people I used to do drugs with, I hardly see them anymore. 
The people I used to drink with, I hardly see them anymore. 
They don't invite me out to socialize with them
because I don't drink anymore. 
I don't fit in with their friends who do. 
All because I don't anymore
and that would likely be the only thing we have in common anyway. 

It does feel kinda lonely being left out. 
But what am I missing? Much?
I used to want to go to the parties and all of that
that I wasn't invited to.... 
But I'm actually glad I missed out on that. 

I mean, it would have been nice to be invited, included, 
but it was all about drinking and drugs. 
Not about being together or actually socializing. 

Anyway, sometimes I still want to feel invited, included. 
But I've had enough of the drugs and alcohol. 
I wasn't myself when I was high or drunk. 
And I spent too much of my life high or drunk. 
And not learning to be authentic, myself. Who I really am. 

And my son has to learn who he really is. 
Who he wants to be.... And all the reasons behind everything. 
Why certain people are the way they became... 
Why people were acting the way they acted... 
How most of it had nothing to do with him, personally. 
How I had a lot to learn, too. 
And that he does, too. 
And it takes a long time for us to see it....
We have to want to because we won't if we refuse to look at it. 
Like I did for a long time. I refused to look at myself
because it was pretty painful seeing what I'd become. 
And pretty painful realizing that I never had to be that way. 
And realizing everything I lost because of that. 

And there were only a few people who stood by me
through everything and I'm pretty sure they don't know everything. 
Had they known, they might have walked out of my life. 

I hated myself for a long time. 
Sometimes I still do. Like "how could I be so STUPID?"
To do these stupid things? That I knew on some level
were stupid things?

How could I have not thought it out?
Why did I just do it? Why was I so impulsive?
Why did I not have better control over my impulses?

I still lack discernment and good judgement sometimes. 
This is why I look to others and seek advice, 
but not all advice is good advice. 

And people think they are helping when they are not. 
We think we are helping when we are not. 

I still have regrets about writing the report. 
Did I have to do it? I'm on the fence about it.

And regrets about hooking up with that guy I had a crush on. 
Because of the way he treated me.... Like just some hoe.
But I never had to hook up with him. 
And I shouldn't have.

All these things are lessons for me. 
And I hate having to learn the hard way, but I did. 
Maybe there is an easier way to learn. A better way. 

Thinking about things, 
talking to people about things, who I can trust
to give me GOOD advice.... 

But my problems are mine to solve. 
I've listened to a lot of bad advice and took bad advice. 
And this is where I have ended up.... 

I feel like I lost my son. Maybe for good, this time. 
I always thought it was for good the other times, too. 
He came back, not fully having forgave me for the past, 
but he came back. Only to leave again. But he came back. 

"Without hope, all is lost."

I have to at least want to hope that things can get better.
That I can, that my circumstances can....
That my son can, too.
But he has to hope, too. 
I have to hope for him to have hope. 

But like I said, I had hope that things would change
that never did, not for the best.... 

But I also made things worse, a lot of the time
so I contibuted to the hopelessness of some things.... 

I'm really sad. I miss my son. I miss how things used to be. 
I miss when times were good. 
I missed a lot of opportunities. 
To make things good or at least better. 
For myself and for others. 

And now, writing about it, might help others see these things. 
So that they can win where I failed. 
And they can have the life that I couldn't make for myself. 

Anyway, I should get some stuff done around here....