A Multitude Of Other Things

It's been really rough knowing there is little that I can do.
To change people's minds. They have to want to change their minds. 
When they are not ready to, they are not ready to. 
Like when I wasn't ready to acknowledge some of the problems I had
or how big those problems had become
or even that I didn't know what to do about those problems. 
It was overwhelming. Even these problems I face, today. 
It's been challenging, but I've had to learn a lot. 
I learned by making mistakes
and a lot of mistakes I made were pretty costly. 

They were not accidents, they were mistakes. 
It's been a learning experience. 
I've been learning a lot and it has been scary. 
That is why a lot of people would rather stay asleep, 
where it is most comfortable for them. 
Even though it prevents them from seeing certain things. 
Like a lot of our thinking and thought processes are wrong. 

I know a lot of people have felt bad around me
because I kept wanting to talk about certain things
that have been bothering me
and they don't know what to say or do about it
and they can't say or do much about it
and I've felt pretty powerless, myself
and my powerlessness is very unattractive.... 
It reminds people how powerless they feel, too
and they don't like to feel that way. 

I spent some time with a friend of mine today. 
He's been helping me the best he can. 
We talk about some things. We are both parents. 
Have had some similiar feelings. 

People can feel things off me that they don't like. 
People don't like feeling bad
about things they think they shouldn't feel bad about.
And they try to justify things not to feel bad about things. 
I know, I've done it. I didn't want to feel bad
about my sh*ttiness in the past, 
even though my sh*ttiness was sh*ttiness. 
But for whatever reason I tried to justify it
instead of feeling bad about it, 
but now I feel bad about it because I realize it was sh*tty. 

And no amount of feeling bad about it
is ever going to be enough to erase it. 
To take back actions, thoughts, feelings, words.... 
What I put out there, I put out there. 
I chose what I chose
and I made a lot of stupid choices. 
I did stupid things. I thought stupid things, I said stupid things. 
And people got tired of me doing it. 
I also got tired of doing it. 
I've had to stop doing those things. 

Someone asked me: "Why did you have to know
why you were doing something
in order to stop doing it?"

I couldn't really answer that. 
Like I had to see what I was doing
and a big part of it for me
was understanding why I was doing what I was doing
to realize why what I was doing wasn't right.

And it is hard to explain beyond that. 

And a thing my friend pointed out....
Sometimes we don't actually know what is bothering us. 
We just feel something bothering us. 

But when we don't really know what it is, 
we can't really express it or do much about it. 
Until we realize what it is and what it has been.... 
All that time that it has been bothering us.... 

He told me that there was a long time that he didn't speak to his mother. 
Until it hit him. And it hit him hard. She's still his mother. 

I know that there are things my son really does not like about me. 
We haven't discussed those things.
Maybe things that disgusts him about me. 
We never talked about it. 
I guess there is a part of him that didn't want to hurt my feelings. 

I know there is a lot about me that could stand to change. 
And people do not like my emotional side
because they do not like theirs. 
They don't like facing the pain they cause
because it makes them feel like sh*t. 
People don't like feeling sh*tty, 
unless they don't allow themselves to feel bad
about any pain they cause.... Unless they don't care....

And when I'm hurting, I often feel the need to express it
and express why. Just for it to be understood. 
Because it feels good to be understood. 
Just to be heard. "I hear you." Means a lot. 
"I understand." "I get it." "I've got you." "I know."
All of that feels good. To know that you are not alone. 
That someone else knows how hard it is. 
Because it is f*cking hard sometimes. 
Some things are beyond us. Bigger than us. 
Some things we didn't sign up for. 
"Why me?!" Turns into "Why not me?!"
And it goes both ways....
Even if we hope to be exempt of something....
Does not make us exempt.
Even if we wouldn't wish something on anyone
doesn't mean that we don't experience it....

A friend put it into perspective......
We were listening to a report about how two teens
were in a backyard shooting at bottles....
The gun jammed, one was trying to unjam it, 
but it accidentally went off
and one of them got shot in the head.....

A teen girl accidentally shot and killed her best friend.

And my friend was asking:
"Would you rather be in her situation or yours?"

Even though what I've been going through
is really hard.... What she is going through is really hard. 

Knowing that she caused (by accident) the death
of her best friend.... 
And it wasn't her fault.... 
It was an accident....

And being stuck in that grief, loss, sorrow, guilt, shame.... Etc....
When she never meant to hurt her.... 

I know what it is like to be stuck in my emotions. 
I have been stuck in my emotions. 
I can see what it has been like for others. 
To be around me, to see me like this, etc. 
They feel bad for the choices they made, 
for being the way they were/are with me
but not enough to change it
but don't want me to remind them of it
and don't want to deal with how I feel about it. 
Because they don't want to deal with how they feel
about what they did, thought, said etc.

And it kind of puts us at a stalemate. 
Instead of starting again and making better choices. 

And it's not really that I choose to feel the way I feel
about certain things, but I have certain thoughts
about certain things and I guess I react emotionally
to those thoughts that come in about certain things. 

And I used to blame people for making me feel bad
instead of realizing I just felt bad about some things. 
Because I realized that certain things are not right. 
And sometimes that is what it takes to have to learn. 
Even though we should just know
that those things are not right. 
And then we wouldn't have to feel bad. 

Maybe even good about realizing
what is good and choosing that instead. 

I was thinking that I generally feel better
when I choose better things. 

And really sh*tty for choosing sh*tty things. 
And got used to feeling sh*tty and unworthy. 
Like I didn't deserve anything good in my life.
And everything good that I had, 
I took it for granted.... 
I was very selfish in the past
and I wanted control
over certain things I really had no control over.

I used to think other things made me feel better, 
but those things never did. 

I guess it took me realizing what little control I have
over some things and what control I do have
To bring me to this place, 
as painful as it has been.... For some realizations to occur....

When I was younger, there was something that I really wanted. 
And I wanted it so badly that not having that
literally tore me up, inside
and it weighed on me for so long....

I still have a hard time talking about it....
And I realize how stupid it's been, now. 
At the time, it was something really important to me....
And something that really contributed to my feelings
or inferiority, insecurity, unworthiness.

I wanted to get married and be married.... 
I thought that if someone loved me enough to marry me, 
that they'd love me through everything, anything, 
and we'd be together forever, and things would be better.... 

But there are so many people who are married and unhappy
because they are not happy within themselves
and not happy with the person they married. 

Wouldn't mean they had the power to make me happy
Or that we'd be happy together, 
but somehow it would mean, to me, 
that they loved me enough to want to be with me. 
For the long term. Which was what I wanted. 

I've been in unhappy relationships
where I could not talk about what was bothering me. 
Because it always turned into a fight. 
Like they couldn't see why things that were bothering me
were bothering me. 
And because of that, I couldn't talk to them about it. 
Because "Why can you not see that?!"
"Why do I have to bring it up?"
"Why can't you see what needs to change?"
"What my needs are? What I want from you?"

But why do we have to need certain things?
Why do we want certain things? To feel better?

I mean, one of the last times I felt something for a guy.... 
I was supposed to wait for something to be over
that I already thought was over.
And the only reason I was trying to proceed
was that I thought it was over. 

Only to find out that it wasn't. 
And that was pretty painful for me, not going to lie. 

And the time after that, I got too stuck in my feelings again, 
and just been really f*cking sad
about how some things have been turning out
like they can't or won't get any better..... 

A friend told me that they might get better
if I can wrap my mind around the possibility
that they might get better, eventually. 

Like in order for there to be hope is to have hope. 
That things can change for the better
and that things can get better. 

And a lot of people don't actually believe that things will. 
They have already subscribed to the idea
that things will only and can only be and get worse. 
I mean, they could, but they can be and get better, too. 

In my darkest and most dire times...
It is so easy to feel hopeless.
To look at situations that look hopeless
and seem hopeless and start to feel like losing all hope
is the only option.... 
When we lose it, we don't have it anymore.... 

I still hope for things when I think there isn't much hope
in hoping for those things.... 
And sometimes it is still hard to hope for those things. 

Going back to what I was saying earlier about that thing
that I really wanted really badly.... 
That seemed to matter so much to me?

There was a store near where I used to live....
A bridal store.... And I thought about this today
because I passed the store, walking home from my friend's house.
Years ago, at least 16 years ago....
They used to have a beautiful display dress in the window. 
And every time I saw the dress, 
I felt a certain way about myself.... 
That feeling "I'm never going to get to get married...."
"No man wants to marry me..."
"I won't get asked...."
"I don't even have any romance in my life...."
"I'm not even worth that...."

And my Grandmother used to love watching a show
called "Say Yes To The Dress."
And something about weddings always pulled that part out of me. 
And it did for a really long time.... 

Like even going by that store, on the bus, seeing that dress in the window....
That kept hitting me in the same way. 
And that feeling would just be there....
Until the next time it hit me again....
And the next time....
And the next time.....

But.... No matter how many times that hit me.....
It never made me ready for what I wanted. 
And even if the man of my dreams
came to sweep me off my feet today.... 
Would I be ready?
Would I be worth it?

Even with all the pain that accumulated over the years....

From that thought: "I'm not good enough."
And trying everything I could to just feel "good enough."
Because I needed some evidence that I was
so that I could feel that I was. 

And I realize that others have had that issue, too. 
That it isn't just me feeling like that. It is other people, too. 
And I made them feel that they weren't, 
when they were, but they felt that way
because of how I acted, or felt, or whatever.... 
Ways I acted, ways I was being, things that I said.... Words I used....
What I wanted that seemed to matter more
than what they wanted.... 

I used to write about it years ago. 
And it's been a long time that I brought it up. 
And I feel differently about it, now, than I used to. 
And I can see how I felt when I really wanted those things. 
About myself for not having those things. 

Those things that are supposed to feel good.
That hadn't for so long.... 

And I wanted it to feel good, but it didn't. 
It did not feel good for most people to be around me
when I was at the darkest and most dire
with how I felt about myself. 

And I used a lot of examples to emphasis that. 
Like the dress is just a dress. A display in the window.
But it represented to me, something I've felt unlikely to be. 
And that unlikeliness turned into feelings of hopelessness, 
despair, sorrow, pain, etc. 

But until I saw it as a dress in a window, 
it wouldn't matter the dress, or the display, or the windows.... 
That feeling would keep coming up until it stopped
and I was unable to stop that feeling from coming up. 

Do I know for SURE that I'll never get married?
Or that I'm not going to find a love like I've always wanted?
Or feel the love I've always wanted to feel?
Or become the person who is able to feel it?
Or see evidence of it? In other areas of my life?

Without that one desire holding me back?

A guy once told me... When I told him....
That compared to the things I've been facing....
That dating is a moot point. 

And that it doesn't interest me anymore.
And he said that if it didn't matter, why bring it up?
He pointed out that maybe I still have desires. I laughed at it. 
But maybe those desires I used to have were so strong
that I kept holding onto them, somehow....
No matter unlikely they are to happen, 
they still matter to me, 
because they were once something I wanted very much. 

And probably some part of me still wants....

But what I do not want, is to ever feel that way again... 
The longing after long held dreams
and the knowing the unlikelihood
and feelings of unworthiness. 

Like "If I was worth it, I'd just have it."
Without having to work for it?
Why should anything fall out of the sky for me?
Why should I have what I wanted?
Did I put the work into it?
Have I been putting the work into myself?
And someone else mentioned something important....

"If you are doing the work, just for the rewards.... 
That's the wrong reason to do the work."

Kind of like: "If you're doing something
just to try to make someone happy, 
and they are unhappy no matter what you do?
Is it still a good reason to do it?"

Because you think it'll make them happy.... 
But they still are not happy... 

Like.... Doing the work on myself
is supposed to make me into a better person
who other people might feel better being around

Am I doing it to become a better person?
Or because people might feel better being around me?

Sort of like that.... What reason do I have? Am I using?
To make doing the work important?

Like what reason was I using
for the dress to trigger those feelings that came up?
About myself?

And all it did was make me focus on trying to find
and get into a hopelessly romantic situation
so I could stop feeling bad
about the other things that were going on in my life
that I seemingly had no control over.... 
But really, the things I struggled with a lot
were and have been my emotions
that certain things triggered certain feelings. 

That I have realized that I have a hard time controlling. 
Even though these things I feel come from the things I think. 

And I still forget that.... 

Like I often feel like I can't help thinking the things I think. 
And then I can't help feeling the way I feel
about certain things. 
Like how that wedding wound ran deep in my heart
For so long, but it was like the things in my life
that should have brought me a great deal of happiness, didn't... 

It was like feeling better for knowing I have something
that I wanted for a long time. 
And then realizing, it wasn't having that thing
that was going to make me happy
because things are things. 

I have a friend who likes to buy things and spend money. 
He thinks buying things makes him happy. 
But he is always buying things, so does having those things
actually make him happy?
Or having and getting more
of something he thinks he wants makes him happy?

It's hard to explain this. 

I used to try filling a void like that, too. 
Until I realized that having stuff
wasn't making me happy. 
Having too much stuff didn't make me happy. 

Not having what I wanted didn't make me happy, 
but it was actually about not being happy, 
not really as much about the reasons
that I wasn't happy. 

And a lot can happen in life
where we think we can never be happy again.... 
Because how can we be happy
when something extreme happens?
And it's something we can't be happy about?
Because there is no being happy about that thing?
Should it loom over our entire life?
Just because it could?

Like should we suffer for the sake of suffering?
"My dad killed himself, so therefore....
I should never be happy about anything, ever again..."?
Would he want me to suffer like that for the rest of my life?
Obviously he was suffering. So was I, at the time. 
I suffered a lot after that, too. 
I'm suffering over other things....
I'm also suffering over the suffering I caused.
In a lot of ways. 

My fears that some things may never get better.... 
That some things may get worse....
That I have made some things worse.... 
That there is no coming back from things I did, 
no matter the reasons I did those things. 
And it is really f*cking hard living with regrets. 

Because "I should have done so much better."
"I was suffering at the time...."
Isn't really an excuse for not doing so much better
than we did because we could have.... 
Just.... The suffering got in the way of so much....
Could not see past the pain.
Even fears of potential pain.  

And that is not a reason to beat ourselves up. Constantly. 
It is a fact. I could not see past the pain
of some things to see the pleasure in other things. 
Things I could have been enjoying
and making enjoyable for myself and others. 

Making good memories or trying my best to... 
Making something to look back to and say: "That was nice."
Instead of "That was nice, why did I ruin it?"
"Why could I not see what I had while I had it?"
"When things were good, I didn't appreciate it
the way I should have..."

Why does it take some people losing everything
to have appreciation for what they had?
And what they could have had

had they wanted to work on it?
And work for it?

And make changes to how we look at it and feel about it?
And it is so easy to just keep looking at it
the way we always have and feeling about it 
the way we always felt about it. 

But back to what I was saying at the beginning, 
people have to be ready to change
and change can be really scary. 
Depending on the changes and the challenges. 

Like people having to figure out who they really are
and how they want to live their lives. 
And the things that they think will make them happy, 
or the things they think they want, 
or think they know that they want
that it turns out were things
that were not enough to make them happy....

Like I f*cked up, a lot. With my son. 
He's seen me at my worst and it has not been good for him. 
It would have been so much better for him to see me at my best. 
I was suffering so much for so long, that that's what he saw. 
And he saw me with no hope for my future.... 
And none for ours, together. 

And I wanted to have hope for us. I did a bunch of times
and times would be good for a while
until I let him down and let myself down. 
Until those feelings of not feeling good enough for him, 
for myself, or for anyone kept returning.... 
And he saw me feeling like that
and felt that way about himself. 
And that was because of me. 
And because of his father, too. 
Not just me, not just him. 

And there are times it is hard to feel good enough
because it seems nothing I did or do was or is good enough. 
Like my love for him wasn't enough
because it wasn't enough to help him see some things
and he just saw me grieving, a lot. 
And started believing that that's what life is
and that it just wasn't going to get better
because I wasn't making things better
and showing him that he had the power to change things. 
Even though I was so happy the times he reached out
after staying away for so long. I still really miss him. 
The good times we had, how it felt when things were good. 

A lot of my struggles didn't have to do with him, 
but they affected him, a lot. 

Like the way I felt about myself
was the way he started feeling about himself. 

Because there are certain ways we are similiar
and he really doesn't like that. About himself. 
And it reminds him about the things
that he does not like about himself. 

Like that dress triggered those feelings, 
I trigger certain feelings for him. 

About things he felt and feels a certain way about. 
The things we never got to talk about
because there were times I did get defensive. 
Because I didn't want to feel bad
about some things, that I definitely feel bad about
and when I started feeling bad about those things, 
I kept feeling bad about those things. 

My mother triggers certain feelings in me, too. 
The older I got, the more distance got put
between her and I because of certain things
that were not and are not changing
and might not change. 

And how I feel about that
and how I've come to see her, as my mother, 
but also as a person. 

Even though she has limits and has been suffering, too. 
And has not seen the ways she was making me suffer.... 
And why I felt and feel the ways I felt and feel about certain things. 
I get that it is like that for my son, too. 

He doesn't know that I know these things. 
He doesn't know that I get it.
And I'm pretty sure that my mother does not get it. 
If she got it, it would maybe make things a bit easier
to even just talk about with her. 

Someone was going through something like this
where there are things that were driving them crazy
about their mother and they did not know
how to talk to her about these things
and felt that they couldn't talk to her about those things
because she would get defensive, 
distant, and even more cold etc.

So they had to live in this place
where it was hard to talk, if not impossible to talk
about the things that were really bothering her
about her mother and her relationship with her mother
and feeling even worse about that. 

Yet still wanting their mother in their life, 
still wanting things to be better, 
still wanting to have hope
when things were just not "going anywhere"

I've lived this with my own mother. 
Important talks needed to be had. 
And were not had because she is not ready
to have those kinds of talks with me. 
And I wasn't ready to have those kinds of talks with my son. 
And he has not been ready to have some talks with me. 
Just like I wasn't ready to have some talks with his father
and his father was not ready to have some talks with me. 

Like my ex saw me unhappy, like 98% of the time. 
And I couldn't explain my insecurities to him. 
Without him feeling bad that I felt the way I was feeling. 
While we were together. 
Because I couldn't just wait for him to be ready. 
And I wasn't able to do a lot of what I needed to do
to show him that I was actually ready. 

And there were lots of things I wasn't ready for. 
And that is not my son's fault. 
But he suffered a lot because I wasn't. 
And I see that, a lot, now. 

Do I feel like sh*t because of it? Absolutely!
It was my fault I had a child when I wasn't ready. 
Not his. He never asked for that. 
He pointed out that he never asked to be born, period. 

Like his suffering is so pronounced that it's the majority
of what he feels and is able to feel
because he can't help but to feel the way he feels, right now.

It doesn't mean that maybe, one day, he might feel differently.... 
There is that possibility when he gets older. 
That he thinks about these things. 

That maybe he reads my words and realizes
that I do actually get it.... It just took me way too long to get it. 
Maybe too long.... And hopefully it isn't too late. 

And it is up to him to let me try to make things right
that are so f*cking hard to make right. 

That I don't know how to make right. 

The desire is there and it is stronger than
any romantic desire I ever had
to just have my son in my life
and to help him just put the suffering down. 
Together, for us. 
So that we can move forward
in the best direction we can, for us. 
Not just for me, not just for him, for us. 
To be happy together in the future. 
Because the love I have for him is still there. 

And I don't know why I let my fears
be stronger than my love for him. 

people do not want their fears coming true....
For obvious reasons.... 

I still love him. I want the best for him. 
I couldn't give him the best of myself, that he needed from me. 
His father couldn't, either. 

And my son is seeing the worst of everyone
and thinking the worst of himself, 
and feeling like he wants to die. 

And it doesn't have to be that way. 
I just definitely was not showing the best of myself at all times. 
In all situations.... He saw it and can't unsee it. 
He remembers and the feelings that came with that. 
Of disappointment.... Suffering. Pain. 

And he saw a lot of that from me. 

Like squeezing an orange, orange juice comes out. 
And my suffering, pain etc
is hard to deal with. 
Anyone's is. For others and ourselves. 
And it was not his fault. He was just a kid. 
He still does not know
much beyond what he knows. 
Because there are truths hidden from us. 
In plain sight sometimes
but it is still hard to see
because certain things make it hard to see. 

But I do understand, and I really wish that he knew that. 
That I get it now. It took a long time to get it. 
And that I'm really f*cking sorry for that. 
I should have known things a long time ago
and had I known, things would have been different. 

If I knew just what to do, to say, to think, feel.... 
If I had been able to show him that, 
shown him the love he needed from me
at the times he needed it from me the most, 
things could be very different. 

And I'm so f*cking sorry for that. 
That I couldn't see that. 

And I made it hard for him to see
that I do love him to the best of my ability. 
Even despite the fears I've had. 

And I really wish that was enough for him. 
But I know that it's not. 
Because he needed more from me.
From everybody in his life. 
I know how that feels, too. 

Like needing more but not being abe to get it. 
Or feeling like I needed more than I got. 
I know how that feels. 

And I know how he feels when he feels that way. 
But what he doesn't know is how it feels to know that. 
And being unable to show that. 
To realize that I did not fulfill his needs. 
And I did not know how to fulfill mine. 
And I still struggle with that. 
As a parent, as a person. 
And he struggles with that because I do.
And how it feels knowing that. 

Knowing that I didn't because I couldn't
is a really f*cking hard pill to swallow. 

Been too busy struggling and suffering to succeed. 
Because that is all that I knew. 
And it's what he knows, because of me. 

How hard it is to swallow that.... 
Is.... HARD. Really f*cking hard. 
Would it make it any easier
to be able to commuicate these things to him?
Would it make anything better?
Would he understand?
He does not want to talk to me.
Because he thinks I don't understand. 

He thinks it would be a waste of time. 
Like all of it was a waste of time. It wasn't. 
I learned a lot. About myself, about him. 
Things he never had to tell me. 
Things I wish he could have and did, 
but I could not f*cking see. 
I wish I had a long time ago. 

But it shouldn't have been up to him to tell me. 
And I know how that feels, too. 

Feeling like it shouldn't be up to me
to tell some people things
that I wish they could see. 

About me, about themselves, about life. 
That it took me too long to see. 
And is still hard to see sometimes. 

But is the fact that I can see some things
better than I saw them before....
Does it mean I am ready to see more?
That is going to be HARD? 
That is going to be f*cking painful AF?

Soooo f*cking hard to forgive myself. 
For allowing my suffering to affect others. 

Coming to terms with losing my son.... 
This way, for these reasons.... 
It's hard. Really hard. 

Maybe some things can become better, 
somewhere down the line... 
If I stop making things worse. 
And it seems like that is what I got good at doing. 

Especially when it comes to him. 
He's right that I was being selfish. 
He has also been selfish, too. 
Two wrongs do not make a right. 

I f*cked sh*t up a lot. 
Even by trying to tell him these things. 
Because he doesn't want to hear it. 
He does not want to hear anything from me. 

He told me that he does not want to hear, see
or acknowledge my existence. 

Because all I did was make things worse. 

Despite the fact that I love him. 
I wasn't ready. I've been suffering too. 
"So why have a child when you're suffering?"
"Your suffering was not allowing him
to get what he needed from you."

I get it. This is why so many people
shouldn't have kids
or bring them into the world.
If you are not ready, you are not ready. 
When you are 18 -19.... That's too young. 

When we don't know who the f*ck we are....
How are we supposed to show anyone?

It's hard to even care for people properly. 
People who need us to care for them. 
And they end up feeling like we don't
if we are really sh*tty at doing it. 

And I know how that feels. 
I never wanted my son to feel that way. 
But I am part of the reason he feels that way! FFS!

And a lot of parents do not care
how their children feel
or how anyone feels. 
Except for how they feel. 

And I know how that feels, too.

Just like a lot of kids don't care
how their parents feel. I have experienced that, too. 

On both ends. 

I've seen my mother suffering a lot. 
But she also chose to make me suffer
and my child suffer. 

And my child suffered because of her. 

And I know how that feels, too. 
For him, and for me. 
A lot of people causing us to suffer. 
Like I didn't care about the suffering she caused him. 
Of course I did, but I stayed in her life
because she's my mother.
I'm not in her life right now, 
but she and I have a lot to talk about
and those things were never received well by her.
She does not want to hear it.

"Why do you have anything to do with her?"
"Because she is my mother...."

Does she act like a mother?
Does she treat her daughter
the way a mother should treat their daughter?

And I have my wounds there, deep ones. 
My son has his deep wounds, too.
That I caused. 
I did a lot of damage that I didn't realize I did. 
Damage that I want to repair. 
Without causing more. 
More than anything.

How can I do that? Will I be allowed to try?
Will the time come? Is it too late?

Will I be able to?
To say all the things I needed to say
for such a long time
and just be understood?
And be forgiven?

Can I ever express how much he means to me?
When he still thinks and feels like he means nothing?
To anyone? Even to me?

I want to repair it more than anything. 
To repair everything I ruined. 
To fight for a chance to try to. 
I ruined lots of chances. 
I missed a lot of opportunities. 

Because I didn't know what to do or say.
And I ended up doing and saying the wrong things. 
At the wrong times. 
And it wasn't his fault. It was mine. 

For not learning and growing. 
For not changing. 
Myself or the things I was doing. 

That was not his fault. 
I was not ready. 

Look how long it took for me to decide
to quit drinking.... 
Because I wasn't ready. 
I thought it eased my suffering, 
but it caused a lot of damage. 

Because I wasn't in my right mind. 
I couldn't think clearly, clearly. 

That was not his fault. 
It was mine for not realizing that. 
For not even being ready to realize that. 
And loads of other things. 
That I've had to have other people point out to me. 
That I wish I had known a long time ago. 
That others wish I had known a long time ago. 
Had I known, it would have made some things
a bit easier maybe. 

Had others known, too. Not just me. 
Like had they known that I knew. 
That it is hard to get unstuck
from one spot and shift, 
like make a huge shift.... 
Over to something better, 
something unfamiliar.... 

Change feels uncomfortable, 
even good changes. 

Like it can actually feel awkward
to go from not being able to talk
to being able to talk. 
Because we still do not know wtf to say, sometimes. 
To certain things. 
And a lot of times, 
the things we need to hear the most
are things we don't get to hear
from the people we really needed to hear it from,
at the time we really needed to hear it. 

Sometimes we get to hear it
but it somehow means less than it would have
had we heard it
when we really needed to hear it. 

Sometimes it still means everything. 

It depends on how we feel about it
and how we feel about needing to hear it for so long. 
Too long.... 

I know how that feels, too. 
Like a bandaid on a bullethole. 
Like it's somehow not enough, 
even though you waited so long to hear it. 
Because you waited so long....

Like saying "I love you"
to someone who needed to hear it, 
but waited so long.... 

Like my mother never told me she loved me. 
I told my son many times, 
but he always wanted proof. 
Because he doesn't believe me. 

And I was unable to give him proof. 
Which just made him not believe me. 

Like he'd rather argue the fact that I love him
than accept that it is a fact.

But did I act like someone to look up to?
Did I fulfill the needs he has?
Did I make him feel like I was listening?
That I understood?
That I cared?

So why would he believe me
when I tell him that I love him?

Even when I did what I could
from the place I was at?

Even when all I could do was tell him I love him?
In hopes that he might feel it, too?

But if he didn't feel those other things, 
how could he feel my love?

Coming from a family....
Where my mother has never told me
that she loves me?

And it's been so hard having love in my heart
that I have not been able to give properly. 
Especially to people who needed it the most. 
From me. To them, for them. 

It's been really hard. Really hard. 
For me wanting to be able to give it. 
Wanting to feel like it's enough
to help change things for the better. 
For things to become better. 
For them to feel better. 
Like "Mom actually does love me."
"Mom loved me all along.
I couldn't see it
because of the times she couldn't show me."

And she's sorry she couldn't. 
At the time.... She was sorry, too. 
But she didn't know what she had. 
Until she lost it. 

And sometimes we don't know
when our last chance is our last chance. 
We always keep hoping for one more. 
Just to tell the people we love
that we love them. 

In hopes that they actually do love us. 
That if they actually do, 
that they won't stop loving us. 

Because we need it as much as they do. 
We can't always say that, though.
And Idk why it's so hard. 
Or why we can't just say it.
Or a multitude of other things.