I Can Relate

I've been seeing a lot of things in myself that I don't like. 
Things I did. In the past, that I tried to justify.
Lies I told to try to avoid getting into trouble.

Times I took things that did not belong to me.
And I tried to justify it.

Times I caught my son taking things
that didn't belong to him
and looking back at a lot of things he told me, 
I'm pretty sure he made things up and lied to me
for no reason. 
Just to see if I'd believe him?
To feel important?
To see if I was paying attention?

At the time I believed him
because I didn't think he'd lie to me
or make stuff up when there wasn't any reason to. 
Maybe he has his reasons to. 

I'm pretty sure he has BPD, too. 
Reading this book about BPD, I see a lot of this in him. 

An interessting discussion was going on 
in the philosophy chat room today.
They were talking about love.
I brought up a few things....
Like if someone can't feel loved, 
they will have a hard time believing that they are loved. 
And that has been an issue for me.
In most of my relationships. 

I had a hard time believing that they loved me
because I didn't feel loved. 

Even if they actually did love me, 
I always felt like I needed validation and proof that I was loved. 

My son, too. He often felt like I didn't really love him. 
And I felt that he didn't really love me, either. 
Although I do. I just could not show him
in ways he needed to be shown. I tried, 
but it wasn't good enough for him. 

I don't feel I got that validity from my family, 
from my parents. He doesn't feel like he got that from me
or from his father.

But it is actually up to us to validate ourselves.

I trigger certain feelings around him, 
like my mother triggers certain feelings around me.

And emotions have been difficult for me.
Expressing them because I wasn't allowed to express how I felt
around or with my family
and that kind of stunted me, emotionally.

And that made me somewhat emotionally unavailable for my son.
And his father is very emotionally unavailable.
Which isn't healthy to teach our son.
So he could never just go to his father and say:
"Dad, this is how I feel and why."
And I couldn't do that, either.
Throughout our relationship.
Like he didn't know why I was crying.
He could not understand why I was upset.
And because he could not understand, 
it didn't matter to him. 

And because it didn't matter to him, 
I felt he didn't actually love me.

And I've walked away from people
who I still love and have love for
because they are emotionally unavailable
and they can't see why I feel the way I feel. 
Like how can they love me when they don't seem to care about my feelings?
And my feelings mean little to nothing to them?
How could they love me when they are this insensitive?

And yes, there were times I was insensitive towards their insensitivity. 
Like they'll hurt me and then act like I hurt them. 
To make me the bad person, not them. 
And I guess it is easier for them to just look at MY
responses or reactions to their insensitivity
as me just being insensitive or mean
when I'm reacting to them being mean to me.
And even when they try to be nice to me after
long bouts of being mean to me....
I remember when they were mean to me
and my guard goes up with them.
Even when they are trying to take it down.

I can actually leave my guard up for long periods of time.
And push people away who have pushed me away.

Even if I actually wanted and still want to be close to them.

Which goes back to "If you loved me, you would...."
Or you wouldn't be mean to me and push me away.
You would just be nice to me.
And treat me with respect....

Because we are taught that.
To be nice to each other if we like and love each other.

It's not really a foreign concept.

But yeah, the more I read about it
the more I can relate.