If I Could

 I started attending a virtual group on Thursdays. 
It's supposed to be an "overcoming depression and anxiety" group. 
We were talking about negative thinking today. 
If any of you have been reading my stuff for any length of time, 
you can likely see habits with my thinking. 
Like how I ruminate on things that upset me or bother me. 
Like how certain people have treated me badly
or some things are beyond my control.... 
Which I feel like should be within my control. 

I mean, if I could... Get people to see how some things affect me.... 
Like their sh*tty actions... Or behavior towards me.... 
Disrespect etc... 
Their inability or not wanting to look at things
from my POV.... 
If I could get them to f*cking realize some things.... 
I would do it. 
If certain things were within my control, 
I'd be able to do more from my position. 
Instead of leaving most things up to others. 
Leaving it up to them to realize... 
When I can't seem to help them see
because they only want to look at it
the way they want to look at it 
and not see things the way I saw it at the time. 
Just how they look to them, not to me. 

I can see more how some things look to other people
when I really think about it, 
and sometimes I have to have some things pointed out to me.... 
I think that is something that really helped me
when I used to talk to C*****. 
He was willing to take the time to point thing out to me. 
That probably should have been obvious, 
but they were things that I needed to hear..... 
Things that people hadn't told me before.... 

And there were times I felt really f*cking stupid
for not looking at things that way, 
but it was a perspective that I hadn't had before.... 

And sometimes we need a different perspective
and be able to put some things into a different perspective
because the way we see things
isn't the only way to see things. 
And sometimes we are not seeing things clearly, 
and sometimes we end up seeing things
that we hadn't seen before
had someone not spoken up and said.... 
"Ever think about it this way?"
"Maybe this.... Instead of that...."
"I see it like this...."
And I really needed that from him. 
And offered him like nothing
because I had nothing to offer
and I keep thinking that way.... 
That I have nothing of value to offer
and that is why a lot of people
have treated me as though I have no f*cking worth. 
Because "wtf do I have to offer anyone?
That they could even want?"

And that is part of the reason I stopped reaching out to him. 
Because I just ended up feeling like I was wasting his time. 
And he could do so much more
than "help me feel secure."

And I don't want to feel like I'm relying on people
for their wisdom, their kindness, their.... Anything.... 

I've always wanted to be self-sufficient, 
but I just never really was
because I did rely on others too much. 
I began depending on some things, 
but also I was depending on people
I couldn't f*cking depend on.... 

And somehow I felt like I couldn't even depend on myself
because "wtf do I even have to offer?"
So I stopped even trying to offer myself anything, 
and I wasn't offering myself support.... 
And just never really had the support I needed. 
Growing up, in relationships, in friendships, anywhere. 

But then when I got some, it started to feel like I needed it so much
for so f*cking long that I clung to it.... 
Instead of developing myself more to the point
that I could rely on and depend on myself more. 
If that makes any sense.... 

Like I depended on things going "right" or "well" to feel good
about those things going "right" or "well"
and obviously I don't feel good about things
that aren't going "right" or "well"

And like 99% of my life hasn't gone "right" or "well"
and someone was saying "this isn't what I signed up for."
Like all my "failed" relationships with people
who are emotionally unavailable
or who can't see things from my POV.
Like if they could see how certain things look to me.... 
Would they understand me better?
Understand my reactions better?
Understand how I feel about those things?

Instead of only how things look to them
or seem to them, only how they feel about those things?

Like I can understand why they feel the way they feel
about certain things and it took me a long time to.... 
Because I was always stuck in how I felt about things.... 
What I didn't like, how I felt about that.... 
Not about how it felt to them.... 

And then I started to see how I was acting, behaving
towards certain people and how much I was f*cking up... 
And how they felt disappointed and hurt etc.... 

And ater a long time of being disappointed, 
they stopped caring about disappointing me. 

Like I only expected them to meet my expectations, 
and I didn't seem to care about meeting theirs. 
Or wasn't even trying.... 

And sometimes it's not about meeting expectations.... 
Sometimes people have certain needs that they want met. 
Sometimes others can meet those needs, 
sometimes they can't, 
but sometimes they can at least reconize that we have certain needs. 
Like emotionally, and C***** pointed out
that it's not always other people's fault
that we feel the way that we do. 
Like they can contribute to how we feel about things, 
but he asked me once.... 
"Are you willing to feel differently?"

Sort of like saying that if there is a will to feel differently, 
then there is a way to feel differently. 

And one main theme of the group tonight
was that a lot of the thoughts we think, 
we keep thinking because we got so used to thinking that way. 

Like I got so used to thinking: "I'm not good enough."
And I would act in all kinds of self-defeating ways
and people would treat me so f*cking sh*ttily. 
And I kept thinking:
"If I was good enough, they would treat me better. 
They wouldn't keep treating me like I'm not good enough. 
If I was actually good enough."

And I wouldn't have the worst f*cking self-esteem in the world.... 
The lowest opinion of myself 
based on other people's opinions of me.... 
People treating me the way they looked at me. 

One time.... An old friend had told me:
"You're the only one who never treated me like a r*tard."

I ended up writing a letter to him, 
to explain why I never did. 
And to tell him that it meant a lot to me
that he remembered me that way.... 

I told him that the reason I never treated him that way
was because I never looked at him that way. 
And although we have different things to learn, 
in different ways, at different times.... 
Nobody should ever be made to feel that way. 

Like although C***** has more wisdom than me, 
and sees so many things so much different than I do, 
and can think clearer and better than I can.... 
HE NEVER ONCE MADE ME FEEL STUPID. 
Yeah, there were times that I did
and even like.... Unworthy of his time... And effort.... 
To try to have a meaningful conversation with me.... 
(Because I always got more value out of it
than he ever did.... That much is certain...)

He never intentionally tried to make me feel like 
I was beneath him... Or that he could do better than me
or that I wasn't worth his time.... Etc... 

Except that one time when I wanted to know what he thought of me. 
And he said that he thought that if he had to talk to me constantly
to make me feel secure, that he probably didn't want to talk to me anymore.... 
And I took that so f*cking hard
because I really look up to the guy, still.... 
And I wasn't trying to talk to him constantly.... 
To try to feel secure.... 
I just wanted to know what he thought about me....
As a person... 

And it was like the time someone I loved, very much
told me...."You're so f*cked, that you don't know how f*cked you are."
Which is actually a pretty f*cked thing to say to someone. 
Even if it has a bit of truth to it.... 

But I guess.... "Thanks for telling me
what you really think of me....."

And yeah, brutal honesty is still honesty. 
But it doesn't make it LESS brutal or hurt any LESS....
From people we never thought would hurt us.... 
Who never wanted to hurt us... 
But they did anyway, because they could.... So they did.... 
Whether they wanted to, or not.... 
But if they didn't, why go there?
That is what I really want to know. 
Why do they think it is okay to go there?
Just because it has some ring of truth to it?

Aren't there other ways of saying the same things?

And yeah, maybe I needed to hear some things... 
Maybe I had to think about some things.... 
But "why did I look up to them so much?
If they were going to hurt me like that?"

Did they realize they hurt me? Do they care that they did?
But are they responsible for how I feel about what they said?
Just because they were the ones who said what they said?
Or did what they did? Or acted the way they acted?
Just because those things affected me
in the ways those things affected me?

Or am I "just being oversensitive?"
Or "overreacting?" When I have the right to feel
the way I feel about the things that affect me
in the ways they affected me.... 
Because sh*ttiness is still sh*ttiness. 
Yes, honesty is honesty, 
but brutality is still brutaility... 

I guess if I COULD get others to see some things
the way I see them, I would.... 

And C***** has pretty much always been good at making points. 
And I never was "good enough" at making points to him. 
Like he may likely not ever learn anything from me. 
Like I am not likely to make a dent in his life
like he has in mine.... 
And I'm thankful for the things he taught me. 
And likely, he could still teach me a lot.... 
Will he? I don't know. 
We seldom talk after that day.... 
Because maybe it stopped feeling "safe" to talk. 
Or as "safe" as it used to feel. With him. 

Things change when people tell you what they really think sometimes. 
But I guess a lot of the times, you don't know until you ask
and sometimes you're afraid to ask 
because you're afraid to know if they think something bad about us.... 
Because it sort of enforces the bad things 
that we think about ourselves
even though most of the things we think about ourselves
aren't even factual.... 
Like it's easy to think we are sh*tty people
if we behave sh*ttily. 

But maybe we are just people
who don't have to act, behave, or be sh*tty. 
To other people or ourselves.... 
Just people. Without all the adjectives.