I'd Rather Not

It's been frustrating. I keep thinking there's more going on
than what I know. 
Trying to figure out some things. 

I look back on some things and I see some things
from a different perspective.

One girl wrote:
"Is it just me or do other people have unhealthy coping behaviors
to help with the pain? 
If only people knew what I do not to feel the sadness, hurt, or pain."

People keep themselves trapped in cycles by repeating the cycle. 
They do not have to repeat the cycle.
By not repeating the cycle, that is how they can get out of it.

My coping behavior was drinking and sometimes sex. 
Until I realized that those things were never actually important. 
I think that most people would rather have pleasure, than pain. 
But meaningless sex is just meaningless sex. 

And I'd rather not have sex than have meaningless sex.
"Just because it feels good"
"Just for the sake of it."
I had to learn this by putting it above other things. 
That were and are actually more important. 
I don't even really trust most guys. 
They mostly just want p*ssy. 

And I wonder how many of them
are trying to convince themselves that they like it....

Denying that they actually want the d*ck.

And nothing wrong with that, 
but why try to hide it?
And lie to themselves?
Afraid of what others are going to say?

Another thing is... I don't know why some people play games.
Like that jealousy game....
Trying to make people jealous of someone else....
Like that guy tried to do to me....
Trying to make me jealous of other girls
when I just let him choose what he chose.
If he wanted me, he would have chosen me.

It's just a stupid game and it doesn't work with me.
Had jealous guys play it with me before. 
Trying to make me jealous.

An ex made up a girl and tried telling me
how happy he was with her, etc.
I was like, cool. Good for you.

Like what do they want?
"Please choose me! I'm better for you than her!"?

And guys who just choose a girl to date
to try to make me jealous, like.... Go do that. 
Hope it works out for you. 
But don't come crying to me when it doesn't.

Like I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
I respond by backing off and treating it like a choice they made. 
Because literally was a choice they made. 

And they tried to play a game with me. 
Even though they actually wanted to be with me.
And I wasn't going to play that. 

And they can let a girl manipulate them. 
And control them.
And choose to stay in that. 

All because they don't think anyone would want them. 
But they don't have to try to do it to me
because they think nobody would want me. 

I told him before that I wasn't playing. 
And he'll try to come back
just to tell me how "good" he's doing without me... 
Just to try to rub it in my face. 
And she'll play along because 
"If I can't have him, nobody can have him."

When all I wanted was to see him happy. 
And I should have taken my feelings for him
to my grave if all he was going to do was play games.
And if all he thought I was doing was playing games. 
And if he thought his games would make me want him more. 

Just because someone else's games worked on him...