A Lot Has Changed

It's been a while since I just.... 
I'm in my feels realizing a lot has changed, a lot has ended.
I feel defeated and depleated in a way.
Very emotionally drained. Sad. 

I kept trying things that were not working. 
I did some things that didn't work. 
I have a lot of regrets and just.... 
Being mad at myself doesn't make anything better. 

It's hard. To move forward. 
Just feel like so much hope that I had was lost. 
I can't really describe it any other way than that, 
"but without hope, all is lost."

Just be careful what we wish for, I guess. 

Things were good once upon a time, 
but Idkwtf happened. 

Actually, I do. I let a bunch of sh*t
come before my priorities and felt unable to handle
some really difficult things on my own. 
And I f*cked up. In a big way. 

In a "no coming back" kind of way.
I don't want to think it's permanent. 
But it feels like it is. At this point. 
Been ghosted before. Many times. 
This time is obviously different. 
But this time I f*cked up more. 

I want to have hope that my son will outgrow
any toxicity. 
He's been with his father who has been very toxic. 
And it wasn't my choice that he got custody. It wasn't. 
But I had to learn some things, 
how to fight harder
even when I felt I had no chance. 

And I sometimes think things happen for a reason. 

I see a lot of myself in him, I understand a lot of things. 
I just haven't been able to tell him those things
and now he won't talk to me. 

I see a lot of his father in him, too. 

I just wish things had gone another way. I really do.
And done things differently. 
Instead of reacting quickly and taking actions
that I can't take back or undo. 

I wish had taken different advice. 
I didn't think it through. 
Only saw one side of it. At the time. Not all sides. 

I feel weak that it got this far.
Even though I never saw this coming. 
I really didn't. Who does?
But a lot lead up to this. A lot. 
A lot that I couldn't see.

It still wakes me up at night. 

Haven't been remembering my dreams for a long time. 
I used to have pretty vivid dreams. 
When I see things in my dreams, it jolts me. 

Anyway, I've just been sad.
Going through it in all areas of my life.
It's been really hard, but I put myself through some things.
I've made some things worse.

-----------------------------

I had a dream where I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend. 
There were lots of other people.

I left the table to go to the washroom. 
When I came back, saw a guy getting up from the table. 
He'd been talking to my friend when I was gone.
Got up and went back to his table with his friends.

Then my friend told me that the guy told him 
that he likes my bum. 

Then, he and I were at my friend's house.
He took a shower, then I was getting ready to take one.
I said: "Not to make this awkward, 
but someone may have told me that you like my bum."

He looked at me like he got caught.

I kind of enjoyed that. The look on his face.

-------------------------------

Anyway, I need to eat more and do a deep cleaning. 
Been putting things off and I've paid for that in my life.

I have not been feeling good about a lot of things. 
Hard to do things when I don't feel good. 

Been feeling like some people messed with me on purpose
to keep me stuck and feeling low
so that I would put studying on hold etc.
Because they didn't like that I had an opportunity they didn't have.
When they could have asked me
to teach them things, to help them etc. 
They just didn't want to put the work in on things
and blamed me for that.

When I don't make the choices for them.
But when I tell them what their choices are, 
they make it seem like I'm trying to force them to choose.
And when I take control of a situation
they make it seem like I'm controlling. 

Yes, I want them to make better choices, 
not just for me, but for themselves. 

But I can't make anyone want better for themselves. 
Or make them want to change, to be a better person. 
To want anything. 

And telling them what their choices are.....
When they already know....
And they already know they choose according to what they want.
And what they don't....

And I made the wrong choices in my life. 
A lot of wrong choices. 
And I've had to pay for that, too. 

I put up with too much sh*t in my life. 
I chose to put up with it
because going against it would have caused more problems. 
And everyone just expected me to put up with it. 

And it's been hard, rough. 
Putting up with sh*t I never should have had to. 
But I'm the one who chose to put up with it. 
For one reason or another. I did that. 
Until I said, "enough."

And there were all kinds of tests I had that I failed. 
Because I failed to stand up for what was right. 
To set people straight. 
Because people don't like to be set straight. 
But they refuse to set themselves straight. 
And yes, I've had my issues, too. 
Failing to set myself straight. 

There were things that I allowed
by not doing something about it, 
by putting up with things that I shouldn't have. 

Not knowing and cultivating my strength. 
Not using it. 
But I've had a lot to tell people
that I never got to tell them.

So they think of me one way, 
when maybe, had I taken the time
to tell them.... 

Looking back, I used to want attention
because I wasn't getting any. 
But, I realized that I by looking for attention, 
I wasn't paying attention to certain things. 

I thought certain things were normal. 
I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. 

I have so many regrets.... I really do. 

"Regret will get you nowhere." Someone told me that. 
But it gets you to realize some things. 
Too late to go back and fix them,
too late to go back to how things used to be, 
too late to go back to opportunities that were wasted....
All because we never saw it as an opportunity....

And people keep looking for attention
because they never got it or had it
and it makes it seem more important than other things. 
And I was young, back then, I didn't realize a whole lot. 
I really wish I had and done what was right. 
And not been so blind and stupid. 

I learned a lot, but at what expense?
I lost something I cherished very much. 
Because I didn't cherish it.