My Rules

I've been thinking about a lot of things. 
A lot of past stuff... That I'm still healing from. 
And how I have to heal that in order to move forward. 

I was watching a tarot reading, and been watching a lot of tarot readings....
For insight about something I've experienced. 
And the more I watch them, the more insight I get, 
the more I cling to feelings I had
because I see things from different perspectives. 

But in this reading, it was about baggage...
Emotional energy from emotional wounds.
And I met someone when my wounds were really still fresh. 
And I started to feel connected to him. 
And still feel a type of way about him. 
And he's been hanging back, knowing that, 
but also knowing that I have these wounds. 

And he's seen me going back and forth with my feelings. 
And we haven't been talking much.
Because I've been stuck in my emotions. Heavily. 
And although I feel like I could talk to him about anything, 
he wants to feel like I could be on the same page with him. 
And it has been a huge burden on him. It really has been. 
I know this, but at the same time, I feel like
the possibilities with him aren't really there.
That it's still a pipedream.
That he's out of my league. 
He's pretty much the ideal partner.
And I know that I'm not. 
I have so much baggage that I just....
Don't even know how to connect with him properly. 

We used to chat pretty much every day. 
Used to have deep meaningful conversations.
He's very intellectual and I've learned a lot from him. 
Very unique, great person. I would be lucky to be his partner
and anyone would be lucky, really.
Just so far above me, that I feel like I have nothing to offer him. 
Even in terms of conversations....
And in life, in general....
Just nothing of real value to offer him. 
So why would he want me?

He'd spent some time building me up.
Trying to help me recover from some painful stuff, 
but I guess I have still been holding onto the pain. 
And buried old feelings I didn't get to fully express. 
And a lot of other things....

Like my heart hasn't really stopped bleeding. 
Like pouring blood....

Sometimes I thought they felt the same way about me
that I did about them... 

Like if a cycle is incomplete, then it is not fair
to start a cycle with someone else.

He was hung up on an ex when I told him how I felt about him. 
He did choose to get back together with his ex.
And didn't want to separate with me, 
but I had a hard time staying friends with him
because, I did get hurt in the process. 
And it hurt him that I walked away.
It's not that I had a choice,
because I had to let him want what he wanted. 

And if the guy I met thinks I'm still hung up on him
thinks he has no choice but to let me want what I wanted....

I did want what I wanted, but if it was meant to be, 
it would have just been. 
He would have chosen me, but he was still hung up.
Just shouldn't have strung me along. 

And no, I should not invest, emotionally in someone else
while I have wounds to heal.

And I came in at the wrong time.
And his ex found out about me.
And did what she had to do to keep him
when she did not want to be with him. 
They'd split before I came into the picture. 
Or so I was told....

Didn't want him to be happy with someone else.
And she relies on him, heavily. 

And I had to let him want what he wanted, 
but I was angry because I felt betrayed. 
I feel differently about it, now.
Not angry, that dissipated. 
Kind of sad, but sometimes we have to be happy
that what we thought we wanted didn't work out
because we realize that those things
weren't actually what we wanted, 
but we have to learn from those things. 

And really, what he wanted was power over me.
Which I did not let him to have.
I did not want to be the second choice or whatever.
And nobody wants to be my second choice.
I don't want anyone to feel like that.

So I had to stop emotionally investing.
Because I am not ready to do that.

And I think he got back with her
because I walked away.
Because he was still choosing her.

And if they were working things out, 
then great. If that was what was making him happy....
But why the split if it was making him happy?
Why "see" me if it was making him happy?

He tried to date around to try to get over me
because I was getting angry that he wouldn't just tell me
where tf I stood with him
and why he was being distant with me. 
Communication helps a lot. 

But the guy I had emotionally invested in
when all that went to sh*t....
I haven't been communicating with him. 
He hasn't really told me where I stand, either. 
And the insecurity comment took me aback. 
And thought he didn't want to talk to me anymore. 
And after that I wanted to try to "get over" him, 
but I can't even though we are still not talking
and he can literally talk to whoever he wants to. 
He could easily find a better partner than me. 

I sort of invested emotionally in someone else.
Because I thought he really didn't want me
and he never said he did.
But I know it is not fair to emotionally invest 
in anyone when I am not ready. 
So I stopped. 

I've experienced some things. 
I sacrificed my relationship with my son
and I've been feeling that loss very heavily. 
That's been on my mind. 

And people telling me "just give it time..."
Time heals f*ck all. 

In the tarot reading, the reader was saying
that in order to heal from things....
We have to learn from those things
and get to the point that we are glad that we went through those things. 
Because it teaches us a lot about ourselves etc. 
And without those experiences, 
we wouldn't have had those lessons.
To be grateful for the lessons they brought.
So grateful that we can't be hateful. 
Yes, I was angry for a while. 
Because it really hurt.

It taught me some things, though.

But not everyone is willing to learn from their experiences.

He is mad that I walked away, and didn't stay to fight for him. 
He couldn't make up his mind, 
so I let him choose her.
Because that is what he was doing. 
Easier to just be with her.

And I could be with someone who chooses me. 
Who is over their ex. Completely. 
Who won't leave me hanging when their ex comes back around. 
Tempting them to get back together. 
Just because she knew that I was in the picture....
Wouldn't let him start something new
with someone else....

And maybe I came in at the wrong time.
That has happened to me before.

And when we see how much it actually helped us, 
then we can't be angry about how things turned out. 
It just would have been nice 
if some people would own up to their mistakes.
And learned from their role
instead of being mad at me for their own choices. 

And people can know what they want, 
and not take the steps it takes to get what they want. 

We can see the good in some things
instead of looking at it in a bad way....

Again, yes, I was angry. It hurt me, a lot. 

I felt like that girl at the dance....
Who never gets asked to dance.... Yet again. 
Because there's always someone they want.
And it's not me....

But, anyway. I think he has been affected by this. 
Because it hurt him that I walked away, 
but it's not like I really had a choice. 
Be the girl he only wants when it's not working out with her?

And had I known that he wasn't over her, 
I really wouldn't have gotten involved. 
And I shouldn't have.

Don't know why I didn't just wait and see
if they'd get back together or something
before I even said anything....

Or just stayed in the friend zone. Or whatever.

And I'm not in the space to be with anyone
because did a number on me. 
And I thought I was healing from it. 

And ruining things with my son, 
that is my fault because I didn't approach him differently. 
A friend told me a while back that my approach matters. 
And I should have listened to him
and not to the people who I got advice from. 
Even though I was being told that I did the right thing....

Because there are other ways that I could have approached it.
And I didn't. I chose to listen to others. 
And my son obviously did not appreciate my approach. 
And now I don't know how to approach him. 
And I don't think he will approach me. 
To heal this he'd have to see how it helped him. 
And he can't see that it helped him. 
Because he just sees it as a betrayal. 

There was someone who asked me for a tarot reading. 
I pulled the 5 of cups, the 5 of wands, and judgement. 
Regret, Conflict, Judgement

And he told me it was about his ex gf. 
I felt it resonated with me, too.

I have regrets over the conflicts and the judgements I made.
But we make judgements based on the conflict
and to resolve the conflict we have to release the judgements.
Which is easier said than done. 

And my son judges me, his dad does, too. 
They always have and it takes a long time
for them to try again, but this time is different. 
It's easy to see me negatively. 
I'm still his Mom, I still love him, 
but it's hard for him to see that. 
Because why would I do that TO him?
I did it FOR him, but he doesn't see that.

"Not all towers are bad."
"Sh*t happened."
"Cat's outta the bag."

All I wanted was to know he was okay.
And get him help.
And I said something because I was scared.
That was all.

But all of that could have gone a different way.
And it is clear that his Dad and I
aren't on the same page.
Don't think we ever really were.

And yes, there were times I've been immature, 
but there are times he has been, too. 
And times our son has been, too. 
And it takes a certain level of maturity
to recognize immaturity. 

And a certain level of maturity
to know some things need to change. 

But it's like most guys in my life
have thought they were too good to just f*cking communicate. 
With me. And just say how they feel, and why. 

Feelings are not just for girls.

I was seeing someone who told a boy
who likes baking that baking's for girls. 
You should have seen the look on his face. 
Like all the air had been let out of his sails.
I was the only one who stood up for him. 
I told him that baking's for everyone. 
That I had one of his cupcakes and that they are good. 
That he shouldn't let anyone make him feel bad
because baking's what he likes to do.

And everyone went silent after I said it.
They didn't know wtf to say. 

And it's like they don't like me for standing up for myself. 
Or for others when they say something mean. 
Or thoughtless.
Even though they had plenty said about things they liked. 
About them....

And I know that a lot's been said about me. 
People trying to make me look bad
because they want to make themselves look better.
Or because they want to flex and feel better....
But is it even necessary?

There was an analogy about how people
can get emotionally stunted. 
From a young age and that all people
can get emotionally traumatized
because we're so sensitive, 
but we can reach our own conclusions
that aren't even true.

And people who try to flex on others
just to try to feel better.... What's that do?
"Look at me flexing!"
That's all that it does!
"Look how powerful I am!"
"Making others look bad!"

And I never said anything bad about the girl
who got with him. Only because she wanted to "win"
Did it make her feel good to win?
Winning was all she wanted.
I don't have to "play dirty" to "win" anything or anyone. 
If they want me, they want me. 
If they want someone else, they want someone else.
I don't stand in their f*cking way.
Because I don't have to.
They are free to choose.
They are allowed to want what and who they want. 
Even if it's not me. 
And if it's not me, all the best.
Don't need to flex on them. 
Don't need to block their happiness.
Just let them want what they want. 

And no, I didn't have to be so f*cking mad about it.
If she's going to resort to games and he is too, 
they can be together. 

They both wanted to try to rub it in my face.
And that's f*cking childish sh*t.

So I just backed off because they were both
trying to make me jealous
and why should I be jealous?

A younger version of me would have been triggered by it.
But it's not cool, and not mature. 

But now I can be happy for people, 
if they are actually happy.

But why try to hang onto someone so tight
just to "win"? Just to be selfish?
Just so they can't have what they want?

And why let someone?

Just to say "they love me so much
they'll never let me go?"
Even if I actually want to go?
Even if they just love what they do for me and give me
not them for them?
Just because they let me take advantage of them?

And I don't get that.
How guys can sink so much money into a girl
and the girl has no feelings for the guy whatsoever
like "buy my love, sucker."

Well you can't buy love.
I'm a girl who can't be bought.
Because none of that sh*t impresses me.

Intellectually stimulating, 
and heart to heart conversations impress me.
Their ability to open up to me impresses me, 
their willingness to make the effort impresses me.
Thoughtfullness impresses me.
Thoughtlessness doesn't impress me.
Unwillingness doesn't impress me.
Childishness doesn't impress me.
Immaturity doesn't impress me.

I'm harder to impress.
So a lot of guys go for the girls 
who they think can be bought, 
but those girls just want too much. 
"High maintanence."
They think the more they "cost"
the more value they have....
It's stupid thinking. 
They are wasting money on material things
that don't actually matter. 
Just to "look good."
Who f*cking cares about that sh*t?
I'd rather just be practical. 
Those people never even value what they have.
They just have it just to have it. It's stupid.

There was a Native quote that was about
how before the English came, to colonize with them, 
a man's worth wasn't measured by their money.
The Natives didn't have money. 
They just shared and gave freely. 

People do a lot of f*cked up sh*t for money.
It's greed. Selfishness. Bullsh*t. 
I've been poor most of my life. 
Not that I've enjoyed it.
But I'd rather be poor than do stupid sh*t for money.
And be happy knowing that I don't feel compelled
to do any stupid, desperate stuff for money.
No illegal sh*t, no bullsh*t.
If I don't have it, I don't have it.
Life goes on without it.

I don't need to resort to bullsh*t.
For a quick buck to get a quick fix.
I don't need anything that bad

Once I get my settlement, I can get caught up on my debts.
And after that, I'll invest some money.
A few stocks I'm thinking about.
Maybe a bond or something. 
Buy some assets for my store...
Get that set up properly....

I have some other ideas, too.
And someone asked me to colab on a project.
So there's that.
He wants to build a social media site.
Asked me to help with coding. 
I'm so rusty with coding now.

I got so depressed over sh*t not working out.
Over sh*t not going the way I wanted it to go.
Over feeling like I have no f*cking control.
Over the outcomes....

Just f*cking sad. Over all kinds of stuff. 

And hard to be happy about much of anything
because there are so many reasons to be sad.

But anyway.... Someone asked me if I like sex.
I don't really care for it anymore.
I'd only have sex in a committed relationship, now.
I should have kept it that way.
Not broken my rules or celibacy.

And I should have been focussing on myself
instead of trying to get into a relationship. 
When we get into a relationship for the sake
of being in a relationship, it's the wrong reason. 
And usually they are not the right person.

"We can only meet each other as deeply as we have met ourselves."
And if someone is emotiionally stunted, 
they are emotionally stunted...
Unless they grow and change, they won't grow and change.
We find ourselves in the changes we make. In the growth.

I have yet to find myself. 
I have a lot of growing and changing to do.

Most people don't because they don't know how.