A friend of mine told me that I don't know what the future holds.
Even though my son said to me that he won't speak to me again,
he might change his mind....
Like how he didn't speak to me for 2 years
and he gave me a call out of the blue one day.
After his father's mother died.
And I know he just wants me out of his life
and wants to try to forget about me.
Part of me wants to still try to get him to talk to me.
Another part wants to give him time and space....
Because, I did kind of betray him.
But at the same time, I had concerns about what he told me.
And I had a responsibility to do something about that.
He put me in a really tight spot.
And I could have handled it differently,
but I let people convince me that I was doing the right thing.
I sacrificed my relationship with my son.
Which wasn't going so well to begin with,
but I still sacrificed it
to 'do the right thing.'
I can see how he thinks I might ruin his life.
And it's not that I want to.
I wanted to prevent him from ruining his own life
and maybe someone else's life.
That was the goal. Not to ruin his.
And I had a call with a counsellor today.
He was giving me 'strategies' to try to stop thinking about this.
I literally cannot stop thinking about this.
It bothers me so much.
What I did bothers me, what he told me bothers me,
not being able to talk to him bothers me...
Not having him in my life bothers me.
Not having the relationship I had wanted with him bothers me.
Having all these mixed feelings bothers me.
The whole thing bothers me.
Not being able to do anything about it bothers me.
Leaving things up to him bothers me.
If it was up to me, things would be so different.
Leaving things up to others bothers me.
Because when I leave it up to them to do the right thing,
chances are that they usually don't.
And then Idk what to do. From here. Wait? Wonder? Worry?
Stress out about it for the rest of my life?
Because I don't know wtf to do?
Because there is little I can do?
And I've needed help. Before all of this.
Help I didn't get.... That I needed....
And I'm just aching so bad....
It hurts so much that it gets hard to breathe....
But "life must go on"
without people who don't want to be in it....
And it really bothers me. All of it...
And there is very little I can do about it.
Makes me feel like I'm giving all my power away
to someone who wants to abuse his power.
Like I'm giving him the choice.
And he gave me no choice.
And I find that happens to me a lot.
That others get the choice and I don't.
After THEY put me in a spot
where I had no choice....
And after all of this....
Why do I still love people who do things
and say things that hurt me so f*cking much?
Why do they have the power to hurt me?
Because I care? About them?
About what happens?
About what they do?
About how these things affect me?
I can see it from his side, too.
But he obviously doesn't see it from mine.
Neither does his father...
It seems most people do not know how this feels. At all.
And it's been so f*cking painful....
Nobody gets that because they are not going through this.
So they give me 'strategies' to stop thinking about it....
And it just doesn't help
because this is always on my mind. Every day.
No matter where I go, no matter what I do....
It's a huge factor in my life.
The stress of knowing some things
and not knowing how things will turn out....
And even the thought of trying to start over, on my own...
It's harder than it was a couple years ago,
With everything that has happened.
And I have people telling me I overreacted
when I didn't know wtf to do
and had people giving me sh*tty advice,
and telling me I was doing the right thing.... Was I?
Was it actually the right thing?
Or were they just telling me that it was
to get me to do what they wanted me to do?
Under different circumstances,
I probably wouldn't have done what I did.
A lot of it, I left it up to them to do the right things. They weren't.
Then they blamed me for not doing the right things.
For them doing whatever they did
when it was their f*cking choice to do what they did.
Regardless of anything I did.
And it's just been really f*cking hard.
Going through this.
Giving people their choices and letting them choose.
And then having to accept their choices.
Especially the bad choices they make.
And how it affects me....
I have the opportunity to work on myself, a lot.
It's not like I have a lot to do these days.
Still thinking about things and trying to come up with plans.
Failing to plan is planning to fail.
And I've been failing so much in my life.
And any time I've ever tried to claim any power,
I get it stripped away from me.
Like I was never meant to have any.
And that makes me feel so f*cking powerless.
Like my whole life has been a huge power struggle.
And if someone does not want me in their life,
no matter who it is, they don't want me in their life.
If they cannot see me adding any value to their life....
Why would they want me in their life?
What value am I adding to my own life?
What value are they adding to my life?
If they are going to be a source of pain and stress for me?
Am I just better off on my own?
Finding out who I am without having to be
everything to everyone who want to be nothing to me?
Who do not want to be good people?
Who want to be miserable?
Who want me to be miserable?
Who want to be absent just so I can feel their absence?
Who want to trigger me and act like they never did?
Like it was ALL in MY head?
When they know what they were doing to me?
When they knew all along?
And they just wanted to keep being selfish?
And ignorant? And inconsiderate?
And why do I even miss people like that?
Because I miss when times were good?
I miss how things used to be?
I miss the person they used to be?
I miss the person I used to be!
When I wasn't thinking about this constantly!
When I wasn't hurting so f*cking badly....
When I wasn't taken for granted....
Made to suffer so damn much....
How do I overcome this?
How do I get myself back?
Despite everything that happened...
Despite everything that might happen?
Despite feeling the lowest I've felt in my life?
Despite feeling sick about it?
My friend told me that I'm obsessing about it.
It's not that I even want to.
It's that when something is really bothering me,
I want to do something about it
and thinking about it, doesn't change it.
Doesn't make anything better between my son and I....
Or anything better for him.
I hate having to let him go.
But it's like I have no choice.
He's mad that I told the police.
Before all of this, I had told his father.
Gave him the chance to do something about this.
To set our son straight, but he doesn't want to listen
and he can't talk to his father about things that are bothering him
just how I can't and couldn't. He wouldn't listen to me, either.
Which is a big reason why we broke up in the first place.
We couldn't really talk to each other.
So all these years of suffering, I couldn't talk to him about it.
About how they were both making me suffer.
With how they treated me.
And continue to. After everything, I still kept trying.
For more of the same treatment.
And still, walking away is the hardest thing.
Letting go is really f*cking hard.
It does not mean that I don't care.
I am just tired, hurting... I have to let them live their lives.
Everyone who has ever hurt me in my life...
And I have to heal, grow, live....
Whether I ever love again... I really can't say that I even will...
Even trying to love.... And being rejected constantly....
I don't have it in me anymore. I just don't.
Someone told me that I'm more than just my son,
I am my own person.... I am.
The things he told me replay in my head over and over.
I can't unhear those things.
The sinking feeling I felt when I heard him say those things
just hasn't gone away...
Idk if it ever will.
And who do I even talk to about this? Who?
Counsellors? People who have never lived through this?
People who don't f*cking understand?
But I still need help... Big time.
This is so f*cking challenging...
To go through this alone, too.
And my friend tells me that most of my fears are in my head
and that I'm just reacting to my anxiety....
And I get triggered when I see a mother and son
who have the loving relationship I wanted with my son.
That I used to have.... So long ago....
That I thought I'd have forever, but it just faded so fast.
Like for a while I was everything, and now I'm nothing.
Because I went to the police when I thought I had no choice.
If I had said nothing and done nothing....
And something happened....
They would have asked me why I didn't say or do anything...
Some people's kids do horrendous things
and they never turn them in.
As far as I know, he hadn't done anything,
but thinking about it and wanting to do stuff
was enough for me to tell the police.
Because those are red flags.
Which obviously sent me into panic mode.
Did I do the right thing?
That is what I want to ask a billion parents.
Or should I have tried a way to change his mind?
This much is clear, he needs help and is refusing help.
And I need help and am having a hard time getting help.
Like help that helps me feel like I'm really not alone in this.
Did I f*ck up? Or did I respond appropriately to a f*cked up situation?
Like is all I can do just COPE with this?
Is that all I can do?
How am I supposed to?
Pretend that this isn't what my life has been reduced to?
That things are okay? When they are not okay?
Wtf am I supposed to do? Just COPE?
"Accept your limitations."
All the things you can't do anything about....
All the things that are beyond your control....
"Feel through your emotions, until you can set them aside..."
Someone told me this, but it seems impossible to set my emotions aside.
And just 'get on with my life.'
Like how tf am I supposed to just do that?
"Soothe yourself..." That only works for so long.
Telling myself that everything's going to be okay....
That's like lying to myself because I don't know if it will be.
There are times I just want to die because I can't f*cking take this anymore.
Because I just can't f*cking COPE. COPING isn't enough for me.
When I can't seem to do anything about what's been going on.
When I can't do aything about people not wanting me in their lives.
When I can't seem to do anything about what's going through their heads.
About me, about their lives, about themselves, about their beliefs...
Coping with it and accepting it, does not seem like enough.
There are people who never have to go through this, ever.
They never know and never will know what this is like.
In a way, I'm happy for them. I really am,
But I'm also sad. Why do I have to know what this is like?
Why have things had to be harder for me?
Like literally everything in my life?
How will things be in a year from now? 5 years from now?
Can I hang on that much longer?
Or should I just f*cking get it over with?
Before things get even worse?
Yeah, maybe I should have hope that things can get better....
Will hoping for things to get better make them any better?
Will things just magically get better on their own?
Am I supposed to get away from people who hurt me?
And let them all just drop from my life?
And just let them blame me for all their issues?
For everything? Even things that don't have anything to do with me?
And just COPE with that, too?
And just let people be @ssholes and let them call me a b*tch
when I was only trying to stand up for myself?
When they were being a f*cking @sshole?
Making me work so hard and fight so hard for everything
while they just gave up trying and stopped caring,
or never f*cking cared in the first place?
And then blame me for giving up? When I literally had no choice?
Either keep fighting for things that are going nowhere
or weren't ever going to go anywhere...
Because they didn't want to put the work into it.
They wanted me to do all the work for them.
While they put their efforts towards other things.
Things that killed it between us.
And I'm supposed to let them choose what they choose.
And yes, I'm beyond disappointed.
Because somehow I expected better. Because I wanted better.
I wanted things to go in my favor for once
instead of going against me....
In EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE.
So I DON'T WANT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF THE THINGS I ALWAYS WANTED
EVEN THOUGH IT F*CKING HURTS ME
THAT I WANTED THOSE THINGS SO MUCH.....
People kill themselves for LESS than what I've been through....
I must have f*cked up ROYALLY in previous lives
to be going through what I'm going through....
Otherwise, WHY am I going through this?
WHY HAVE I HAD THESE EXPERIENCES?
HOW MUCH PAIN CAN ONE PERSON TAKE?
LITERALLY? HOW MUCH?
Tomorrow's the date when my father killed himself.
It keeps crossing my mind.
Relapsing keeps crosing my mind, too.
But ending it all, keeps crossing my mind.
I don't know why I'm going through this.
I don't know why everything has to be so f*cking hard....
Why people have to make sh*t so hard for me....
Why I can't just f*cking be HAPPY!
AND NO, DON'T WANT TO JUST FALL IN LOVE
AND THINK THAT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.
TO ALL MY PRAYERS,
TO ALL MY PROBLEMS
BECAUSE IT JUST CAUSED ME MORE PROBLEMS.
BECAUSE THAT WASN'T LOVE.
AT TIMES, WHEN THINGS WERE GOOD, I WAS HAPPY.
AND ONLY TO HAVE IT ALL GO TOO SH*T.... WTF HAPPENED?
BECAUSE I WANTED THINGS TO BE BETTER?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE GETTING BETTER?
ONLY TO FIND OUT THEY WERE ACTUALLY GETTING WORSE?
AND JUMPING THE GUN, MAKING SH*T WORSE FOR MYSELF....
HOW IS KILLING MYSELF GOING TO MAKE ANYTHING BETTER?
IT WILL ONLY END THE PAIN AND SUFFERING, PERMANENTLY.
THAT IS THE ONLY THING IT'LL DO. THAT'S IT.
NOBODY WILL F*CKING MISS ME
OR FEEL BAD THEY TREATED ME BADLY.
OR CARE THAT I'M GONE AT ALL.
MAYBE A FEW PEOPLE WILL MISS ME. MAYBE.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I ADD ANYTHING TO ANYONE'S LIFE.
That stupid doctor "You're only feeling sorry for yourself."
SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO GO THROUGH THIS.
WHAT IF THIS WAS HER LIFE?
WHAT IF PEOPLE TREATED HER THE WAY THEY TREATED ME?
It's okay to feel like sh*t when you are going through really f*cking hard sh*t.
Am I supposed to be happy about this? Any of it?
But I'm still supposed to just COPE with it... Right?
And "stay strong" until the next thing....
Until the next thing that is even bigger than this...
"If you thought THAT was hard, just f*cking wait!"
"I'll throw something at you that you'll never recover from...."
Like f*ck this! I'm really not doing so great.
My counsellor gave me her number as a safety plan thing,
but I'm afraid to call her or the suicide hotline.
Because I heard that the suicide hotline
calls the cops on people and the cops take them to the hospital
and the hospital doesn't do much good.
It was a 'safe' place for a while. They are good for "meds"
but I need counselling, like trauma counselling specifically.
And all these counsellors are temporary counsellors.
Like a few sessions here and there.
And they just talk about mindfullness exercises
and coping strategies. Coping isn't solving anything for me.
Like it only gets me so far...
Like deep breathing is supposed to bring my anxiety down....
But it doesn't do anything about what's giving me anxiety attacks in the first place...
You know what I'm saying?
And that is what it is like at the hospital...
There wasn't any counselling, but the counselling I've got since then....
Is few and far between and just coping strategies.
And I want to know what they would have done.
If they were in my position.
And how they would handle it.
And how they would feel if they were going through this.
And I'm at a place in my life
where I just don't know if I'll be happy again.
If I'll ever feel like myself again.
Like I'm so f*cking damaged.
I love my son and can't show him.
He stopped loving me a long time ago.
Not sure if he loved me or not.
Like he's not sure if he did or not.
Maybe there were times he did or wanted to.
I don't know what happened that made us so distant.
I was supposed to protect him from things
that I wasn't able to protect him from.
I was supposed to be thre for him when I was going through some sh*t.
And other people's opinions about me affected his opinions about me.
Who knows what his father has said about me over the years?
Other than calling me a b*tch to my son.
For what? Not answering the phone when I didn't hear it ring?
For wanting him to be a better father?
For wanting him to pick up the phone when I called?
For wanting updates about my child?
For wanting to have parenting discussions?
For wanting to be included in my child's life?
For wanting basic respect?
For wanting him to listen?
But I can't force people to do
what they don't want to do
and can't make them want to do those things.
Can't make them want to change.... Anyone.
Especially stupidly stubborn people
who don't want to be told what to do.
Or controlled in any way...
Even when it comes to doing what is right and fair....
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