Sad Is An Understatement

Sad is an understatement.... I don't know how to get out of this feeling. 
Rejected a million times over....
But if it was just that.... I could handle that.
I'm not for everyone, and not everyone is for me.

If I had stayed in that, I would have been hurt more.
And it made me not want to have anything, now.

Been thinking about animation stuff, making videos. 
Wanting to have skills in that.

Been looking into that. Making gifs, too. 

Maybe as a distraction... Hard not to think about the other things, 
but I'm over some stuff.
Some stuff is still stuck in my heart. 
Some really painful stuff.... 

With that 'love' stuff, that was painful, too. 
But nothing compares to this pain.... Nothing.... 

It makes all that sh*t just.... WTF was I thinking?

There were times that I thought things were going to work out.
That I was going to get what I wanted for once....

But there are reasons that I didn't. 
I had to walk away. I had no choice. 
It was stay, or walk away. 
Both are painful, not going to lie about that. 

Waiting for people to see my worth, who don't. 
Wanting to be worth it to people who I'm not worth it to. 
And that has been pretty hard....

Feeling a lot of anger because of the pain. 
That's why I was I've been so angry about this. 
Because I wanted to just be happy ffs. 
That's all I wanted. To love and be happy.

And my son isn't feeling loved. Part of it is because I got scared. 
Because of his anger, but I know it comes from pain, too. 
Because a lot of sh*t that happened to him wasn't fair, either. 
I see that. I know that. 
He doesn't see that I see that
and doesn't know that I know that. 
And getting scared wasn't helping me, 
but all these red flags scared me pretty bad. 

And fear is no way to live... 
And I'm stuck in that right now. 

Not knowing how things will go.... It scares me. 
The anger and the not knowing... 

I sometimes have hope that my son will figure some things out. 
And that he will want to change. 
And as he grows, he'll learn some things that will help him. 
And that I was trying to help him
by trying to get him to open up. 
And that he put me in a really hard spot. 
Not just as a parent.....

I'm sad that things have gotten as bad as they got. 
Between him and I and with him.... 
And it's like people have not been taking me seriously. 
And it took me so long to do something.
And everything I did seemed to be the wrong thing. 

I blame myself a lot. Like every time I tried to show people
that I love them, they still didn't believe me
and still wanted to believe I never loved them.... 

I don't know why they wanted to believe that, it's not true. 
Because they want to keep feeling victimized
by everything and everyone, even by me?
Idk why.... I have always loved my son. 
I still love my son. I will likely always love my son. 

There were times I felt I was successful showing him
and other times I felt it fell on deaf ears. 

I was trying to get help for him
that he refused and the way I was doing it
wasn't helping him or me. And that's on me.

My friends are more hopeful than I am
about how things might improve
and how "time heals" and stuff like that. 
Idk anymore. 

I wish I could talk to his father and ask about him, 
but they are not talking to me. 
Because of the report I wrote. 
And even before that, I had that wellness check....

All the things I did were out of concern for him.
And concern for others, too. 
And I'm also concerned for my own safety, at times. 

It wasn't because I was mad at him
or want to ruin his life. 
Or anything like that. 
Those red flags were screaming at me. 
I got scared. I didn't know what to do. 
And now I don't know what to do. 
Where to go, who to turn to.... 

Idk anymore about much of anything. 
I'm really struggling. With this and with other things. 

Wish I could wake up from this like a bad dream, 
but I can't. It's not a bad dream, it's reality. 

I still have regrets. A lot of regrets. 
And I feel like I f*cked up so much. 
And this is my karma for f*cking up. 

And my counsellor was saying today
to love myself through this. 
I have to forgive myself for my mistakes
even if nobody else will ever see things from my POV.
Even if they will never forgive me. 

It's been f*cking HARD! I can't stop thinking about this. 
Part of me wants my son in my life
and to try to repair the damage that we both caused. 
I can see where his anger comes from.
From all the pain he's accumulated. 

And he has to let it out in a healthy way. 
He has to learn how to express it in a healthy way. 

And I can't help him unless he lets me help him. 
And going to the police wasn't helping him. 
Trying to get him admitted to the hospital wasn't helping him. 
He had been opening up to me a little bit. 
More than he was before. I should have been patient with him. 

I still really love him. That isn't going away. 
It's been painful to think about how bad things got
and about how much he has changed over the past 5 years. 

Living with his father hasn't been helping him. 
His father hasn't been a good influence on him. 
His dark humor has been messing my son's head up. 
The things he thinks are funny really aren't. 

And I can't do anything about the damage he caused. 
Or the damage I caused. 

Not now that my son wants nothing to do with me....
I had been given a chance to try to make things right, 
but I sacrificed everything because I was trying to get help. 
For him and for myself. 

And I'm probably never going to hear from my son again. 
And won't get to be part of his life. 

Things changed so much. Pretty fast. 
Not for the better.... Obviously. 

I don't know what to do! I'm stuck! I need help!