Tired & Sad

It's been really hard to have faith in life, in love, in myself, 
and especially in other people.... 

Maybe this is the test because I've lost faith. 
How can I have faith when people have been the way they've been?
How they've affected me the way they affected me?
How they refuse to take responsibility and blame everything on me?

"Do you trust me?" It's hard to trust. 
I want to trust that they will see and open their eyes to the truth...
Without me having to teach them and show them....

I've taught people how to treat me by letting them.
It was easier to just let them treat me that way
than stand up to them to tell them I am not taking it anymore.
I always just took it and endured so much sh*t.
Sh*t you'd be "WTF?!" If you knew....
Sh*t I've tried so hard to forget about....
But my soul is so tired. Because I remember it on that level
and it has affected me all my f*cking life. 
That everyone just gets away with their sh*ttiness
because I couldn't stand up for myself
and every time I stood up for myself, it made it worse.

Because they didn't f*cking like it.
They hate being called out on their sh*t. 
They hate me for calling them out on their sh*t. 
But their sh*t is their sh*t. 
I've taken so much sh*t. For way too long... 

And that is supposed to make me stronger.... Has it?
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

Like all this sh*t was supposed to make me strong....
Do I feel strong? No.
I feel weak for not standing up for myself.
For letting people be sh*tty to me. 
For letting them because I can't make them see....

It is easier in the short term to just let them be sh*tty....
But it does not teach them anything.... 

Like I can't shame them enough for them to see
the error of their ways....
Because how dare I shame them?
How dare I make THEM feel BAD?
About being sh*tty.... To me....
They'd rather make ME feel BAD
for their sh*ttiness....
Because it feels better than feeling BAD
about their own sh*ttiness....

Why should THEY feel bad for being sh*tty?
That is how they opperate. 

I've had miserable people tell me that they don't want to be happy. 
And they don't want others to be happy.... 

I've had a lot of people not wanting me to be happy.
Not to express my happiness.
It rubbed them the wrong way and I had to repress it.

When I stand up for myself it rubs them the wrong way. 
So I stopped because it made things harder
because they can't see why I am standing up for myself. 
Like how f*cking dare I stand up to them!
How DARE I speak what's on my mind!
How DARE I speak up about anything?!

Nobody listens to them, so why should they listen to me?

Just so tired of all of this. Really tired. 

What really p*sses them off, though
is when I'm doing so much better without them....
Without their negativity and their bullsh*t.... 

They only want me around to make me feel BAD
so they don't have to.... 
That is literally ALL I was ever around for.....
That's it, that's all. 

I don't have to feel BAD just because they want me to!

I only wanted them to feel shame for blaming me for their sh*t. 
And for treating me like sh*t. 
Because they never had to. Ever. 
It only made things 'easier' on them
for not having to take the load
that is rightfully theirs.... Not mine. 

Like they are allowed to be sh*tty and selfish.... 
But I'm not allowed to point it out.... 
That they are being sh*tty and selfish.... 
But is it selfish of me not to want their sh*ttiness and selfishness?
Is it selfish of me to want them to change? To grow up?
To be mature? To be respectful? To act right?

I'm sad about a lot of things. A lot of things. 

Just f*cking tired and sad.