(Unsent?) Letters....

I wrote a bunch of letters and thinking about sending a couple of them. 
Not even sure what the point is by doing it?
To try to make points? To try to make myself heard? Known?
Understood? Like somehow my words will suddenly get through
to people who've been committed to misunderstanding me?
Treating me terribly?

Like my words will somehow matter to them, one day?
That they will think about what I've said?
Is there any point? When it comes to inconsiderate people?
From people who refuse to be mature?
Who refuse to look at themselves?
And to own their roles in the messes they helped create?

So do I send the letters? Or not?
One I have been thinking about sending is to my mother. 
I have a lot to say to her that I never got to say
because she refused to take the blame for things that are her fault. 
And she only got angry with me for trying to talk to her
about things that really f*cking bother me. 

A lot of people have been that way, with me. 
And that is not my fault for them choosing to be that way. 
And they only choose that because they refuse to fix things. 
They want ME to feel guilty and try to fix it. 
When it was never solely up to me to fix everything, all the time. 

All they ever wanted to do was run away and not face the truth. 
AND STRAIGHT UP TELL ME THEY DGAF.
Like it was always up to ME to GAF.
And try to carry it all on MY back. 
While they just got to walk all over me.... 

I have a lot to say to a lot of people. 
Debating whether or not it's even worth it to even try. 
Since NOBODY WANTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH. 
NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT, NOT FROM ME.
NOT ABOUT THEMSELVES.... 

I get it, though, I didn't want to look at things about myself, either. 
It took me a long time to acknowledge that I'm f*cked up. 
I've had a lot of f*cked up people in my life
teaching me f*cked up things. 
That I refused to even see were f*cked up. That are.... 

A lot of unhealthy, toxic sh*t. 
Sh*t that got to be too f*cking much for me. 

That was not and is not helping me grow
into the person I want to and need to be. 
Because the more they expect me to be like them, 
and the less that I am, the more conflicts we are going to have. 

The more I stand up for what I believe in.... 
The more I express how I truly feel.... And  WHY.....
The less people are going to like me, and I don't have to gaf
if they like me anymore or not. 
Because this is my life. I an live it the way that makes me happy. 
And if that means not having people who want to dominate me
and control me, and put me down, to make me feel bad
about speaking the truth, or about being who and how I am.... 
Then that means not having them in my life. 

If it means not having people take me for granted.... 
Or take advantage of me.... Or walk all over me...
Then that is what it means. 

If it means cutting ties with like 80% to 90% of people in my life, 
welp, I guess that is what it means. 

They've had lots of chances in the past to change their ways. 
And to treat me better than they did. 

Everything that ever happened to them, that was not my fault
WAS NOT MY F*CKING FAULT. 

Why should I be made to feel BAD about saying how I feel?
I have a right to feel how I feel. And WHY I feel that way. 
And if they can't or won't accept that, I don't need to be in their lives. 

Why? Just to please them and make them happy?
Have them use me whenever it suits them?
Just because I've ALWAYS F*CKING AT LEAST TRIED
TO BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY NEEDED ME?
AND WHO WAS THERE FOR ME?! WHO?!
VERY F*CKING FEW. VERY FEW.

And yeah, I could be angry about the way people treated me. 
They don't f*cking know any better, even though they f*cking should!!!!
If I know that it's not right, they should know it, too. 
If they dgaf that it's not right, that is on them. Not on me. 
Why do they get to blame their mistakes on me?
Do I get to do that?! No?! So why do they get to?

Just to treat me however tf they want to....
And get away with it?

Because I can't control them?
Because I can't MAKE them see wtf they are doing?
Because I can't MAKE them WANT to see wtf they are doing?
Because I can't MAKE them gaf?
I can't make them care about me?
Or themselves?
About having anything meaningful with me?

If I could, maybe I would. 
But why should that be up to me?
To MAKE them do anything?
To even REALIZE THINGS THEY SHOULD HAVE A LONG TIME AGO....
WITHOUT ME TRYING TO GET THEM TO OPEN THEIR EYES.....

But what can I expect? From people
I can't f*cking expect much if anything from?

And I knew a long time ago that I couldn't.... 
But I still kept thinking that somehow things might
eventually and suddenly improve, but they didn't. 
Because they did not want to unlearn their sh*t. 
Or learn better, healthier sh*t. 
Or even to stop blaming their sh*t
and taking their sh*t out on me.... 

Those are the main reasons things have not improved. 
And them expecting me to carry it all on MY back. 
To fix sh*t they continue to break. 
And blame on me.... 

I have enough of my own sh*t to try to fix. 
Because I learned a bunch of unhealthy sh*t. 
I was taught a bunch of unhealthy sh*t. 
All kinds of ways to be immature and dysfunctional. 
It was not my fault that I was taught that sh*t. 
It was only my fault for not seeing that I had to unlearn that sh*t. 
That I'm still f*cking struggling with. 
Because a lot of sh*t got ingrained into me. 
From a really young age. 

Like I had to be and do everything everyone always wanted me to be
and nobody made any changes of their own. 
I had to sacrifice MYSELF just to make them f*cking happy.... 
AND YET WTF DID THEY DO FOR ME?!

It wasn't about what they could do for me
and they refused to do f*ck all for me.... 

AND made it about how CRAZY I AM
FOR FEELING HOW I FEEL
ABOUT THE SH*T THEY PUT ME THROUGH!!!!
THAT I DID NOT F*CKING DESERVE!!!!

FM SIDEWAYS FOR FEELING ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!
BECAUSE APPARENTLY I AM NOT ALLOWED TO!!!!

THEY CAN'T F*CKING FACE THEIR OWN FEELINGS
SO WHY SHOULD THEY ACKNOWLEDGE MINE?!

IS THAT THE REAL REASON THEY SHUT ME DOWN?!
THEY CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUTH
SO THEY REFUSE TO HEAR IT?!

Because to hear it and acknowledge it
says something about them in relation to the truth....
It points out the truth about them they don't want to look at....
So it becomes my fault that they don't want to look at it....
Because I'm the one telling them....
If it came from someone else, would they listen?
Would they gaf then?
Or would they still refuse to gaf?
Because they refuse to hear what it says about them?
That they made mistakes, that they refuse to grow tf up?
That it is on them? Not me?
To gaf? To grow up? To change?

And yeah, changing is hard. 
Even realizing that we need to is hard...
Realizing that unless we do....
That we are going to keep getting what we always got....

It's realizing a bunch of sh*t
and getting smacked in the face with it.
And obviously, nobody likes that feeling.
So they avoid it. At all costs.
Even when it costs them relationships, connections, love...
Respect... Everything they wanted. 
Just because they refuse to change.... 
Or even see why they should.... 

A lot really f*cking hit me hard when I realized it.
Even the fact of how long it took me to realize it....
Because I refused to look at sh*t
about myself and my life.... 

Because all those things said certain things about me
that I did not want to admit. 

And maybe a bunch of things I was fighting for...
Actually isn't worth it.... Is it? Isn't it?

I used to think that MOMENT when they suddenly REALIZE
was soooo worth it, but trying to get them to SEE
has been one of the biggest struggles of my life....

WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH WHAT THEY SEE?
AND WHAT THEY REFUSE TO?

IS IT BECAUSE IT AFFECTS ME IN SOME WAY?
LIKE THINGS WOULD BE A MILLION TIMES EASIER
AND BETTER IF THEY COULD OR WOULD?
IF SOMEHOW THEY COULD OR WOULD SEE?
ACKNOWLEDGE THINGS?
WANT TO WORK ON THEMSELVES?

But I don't have control over that.
Apparently, it is not up to me to make them see.
I f*cking wish it was....
That it was up to me....
But even if it was.... Would I know how to?
Would I be able to? Could I?

It's like doing their homework for them. 
Just like how they try to make me feel bad and guilty
and expect me to fix sh*t they broke....
The more they expect that from me, the more they expect that from me...
And what can I expect from them?
Refusal? Denial? Making sh*t hard for themselves and for me?
F*cking themselves over and making it seem like
I was the one who f*cked them over?
When they literally do this sh*t to themselves?

I used to do this sh*t to myself
and blame other people for my sh*t. 
I learned that from people doing that sh*t to me.... 
Not knowing any better was no excuse for doing it. 
None at all. 
Isn't an excuse for them, either, 
but they actually do not know any better.... 

And that is not my fault. It isn't. 
So they can't blame me, but yet they do....
Every chance they get.... For their own sh*t....
And yes, I am tired of it. I really am. 

But when do I walk away from people
who just want to hurt me?
When I realize that's what they are doing?
When I stop loving them?
When I realize I deserve better? When?