Reckless Rebel

Feeling really restless tonight.... 
Not sure why. 

Still feeling really f*cking heavy, too. 
Worn down, defeated, defective to the max.... 
Burnt right out.... 

S**** the night nurse was telling me
that I was just wearing myself out.... 
Burning all my energy on it. He's right. 
But I still can't help it. 

Been trying to convince myself that I have to let go. 
That there isn't anything I can do to fix this. 
That I ruined it. Did I?

Am I the one who ruins things?
Or are other people ruining things?
And expecting me to fix things that they refuse to fix?
Because they don't want to?
But they don't make it easy for me to do it.....
If they want me to do it, why make it so f*cking hard for me?
Why make it so hard for themselves?
I really don't know why. 

Yes, I made things hard for myself, too. 
I've done a number on myself....
"Give someone enough rope...."
Goes both ways, though. 
I'm not the only one hanging myself.... 

But why blame me for the consequences of their own actions?

Do I want to hold people accountable for their sh*t?! No.
I'd rather them hold themselves accountable for their own sh*t.
Just like they'd rather me hold myself accountable for my own sh*t.
They want me to see what I'm doing wrong
but refuse to see what they are doing wrong.... 

My whole life has been "be careful what you wish for."
So why should I want anything anymore?
Have I gotten what I wanted?
Or did everything I've been through almost f*cking destroy me?

"You're the one who asked for it, A***."

Reminds me of this show I used to watch when I was a kid... 
There was some wishing claw thing.... 
Every wish they made on the thing
had some element of despair.... 

Like my life went to HELL very quickly. 
Not just in my love life.... 
In my life overall.... 

I retreated pretty hard.....
Like "I tap tf out."
I got hurt pretty bad... 

Like "you thought things would come easier for you?"
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! LAUGH IN MY FACE!!!!

I've had to heal a lot of myself. Still do. 
In many aspects, in many areas in my life. 

And I have been too f*cked over everything that's been f*cked
to really do the healing I've needed to do. 
If that makes any sense.... 

Been trying to keep myself distracted to make it through the days.... 
Giving myself other things to work on.... 

Otherwise, I'll fall apart.... Because I'm not as strong
as I really wish I was.... 

Like WHY?! Why can I not have anything good in my life?
Why does everything get taken away from me?
Why do I have to suffer through everything?
Why can I just not catch a f*cking BREAK?!
WHY DOES THIS SH*T GET THROWN AT ME?!
HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH?
WHAT MORE CAN I TAKE?! WHAT MORE?!
I'm afraid to even ask that....
"I'll f*cking show you, A***.
Just wait for it.... It's coming your way...."

I already just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Because I really cannot take any more.... 
I'm really feeling the weight of this. All of this. 
It's been a mountain of emotional abuse....
In every direction. 

So why do I miss my abusers?
I don't want or need any more abuse....
I really f*cking don't. 
And I've had to push through this.... 
The best I can.... I'm barely getting through this.... 

There are times I feel like I'll be okay, 
and times I feel like nothing will ever be the same.... 
And I feel like this is just the start of a huge sh*t storm
that will consume EVERYTHING LEFT OF ME....

IS THIS A SICK TEST?
TO SEE HOW MUCH I CAN F*CKING TAKE?!
HAVE I ALREADY TAKEN ENOUGH?
HOW MUCH BEFORE I BREAK SO BAD
THAT I CAN'T F*CKING FIX MYSELF?
BEFORE I'M OBLITERATED?

This has made me not want anything. 
I really want to be able and allowed to want something. 
I'm not going to want anything for a really long time... 
I'm too scared to want anything anymore. 
Too scared of future pain... 
Like constantly bracing for a major impact.... 
Like nothing I ever felt or been through before.... 
And I don't know how I'll be able to take it... 
Or get through it. 
I'm hardly getting through the sh*t I've just been through.... 
It's too much!!!! Like I can't f*cking take this sh*t!!!

And I really don't know how to get through this. 
Like these sporadic feelings that I'll be okay
are sweet little lies I tell myself to try to feel okay, 
but I really do not feel okay... I really don't feel okay... 

I really wish I could just feel okay. 
And that things would work out for me.... 
That things would get better.... Not worse!!!

But I can't expect things to get better.... 
I'd be f*cking lying to myself if I said things would get better. 

A friend has tried to get me to be a bit optimistic
like "you only see the downside.... 
Like only one possibility exists."

Easy for him to say when he isn't the one going through this. 
And I told him that. He can't ever really understand. 
Yet he does the best he can to try to help me feel better. 

He's one of the only people I trust.... 
I told him everything. Even some of the sh*t that was hard to say. 
He listened to me. To all of it. Even the worst of it.... 

Stuff I can't ever write on here. 
Because it's too deep and too dark. 
And just.... It hurts way too much... 

All of this hurts me so f*cking deeply.... 
I don't even know what to say about this..... 
Like I can't even describe how this feels.... 

Not the failed attempts at dating.... 
I got used to that.... That I'm not the kind of girl anyone wants.... 
As much as that sucks.... 

The gaslighting, the bullsh*t, all of it really sucks. 
I'm not crazy for wanting to be treated better!
Someone even told me that. That I'm not. 
Wanting to be treated better does not make me crazy. 

If you even knew what I endured.... 
You'd call me crazy for staying for more of that.... 
Because I definitely don't need it and didn't want it
and it wasn't getting any better... 
It was straight up emotional abuse. 

Like I created a lot of it by getting scared
and not f*cking dealing with this properly.

By taking too much of this sh*t for too long. 

And feeling like there was nothing I could do about it... 
Because I can't force people to change.... 

Like the more I just wanted them to act right, 
the less they did, only because I wanted them to. 

Like doing what I wanted them to do
was like me controlling them
and having power over them.
When I just wanted them to f*cking act right. 
To do right by me. 
Even as a friend....

But especially as a lover.....
And especially as a family member.... 

And those are 2 different things.... Not that I have to say that....
But those are 2 roles I need to be done right by.
When I need them to act right.
Towards me, but in general....

And apparently that is expecting too much.