Really Tired....

It's been hard. Being a rejected parent for years. 
A lot of it has been due to mental illness. 
Being misunderstood.... 
Being unable to fix some things that needed to be fixed
and addressed a long time ago. 

I know my son has been traumatized and affected deeply
by things that I had no knowledge of
and had no power to prevent or stop. 
And I could not get him any justice for those things. 

His response to trauma has been rage, 
that he kept to himself for years and years. 

And yes, he's been irritated with me. 
He's been upset with me. Impatient with me. 
Feeling disdain, disgust with me. 
For not being able to fix things that needed to be fixed. 

He doesn't know how to cope with trauma
or how to cope with his responses to it. 

He wants to hurt people because he got hurt. 
And may want to hurt me because I hurt him
by speaking out about him wanting to hurt people.

And I only did it because I don't want him to hurt anyone.

It's not fair or right what happened to him. 
It wasn't my fault what happened to him, or his. 

People keep telling me that time heals, 
but the things that happened to him happened years ago
and he has not been able to let those things go. 

He has not gotten the support that he needed. 
Has not been taught proper ways to respond to trauma. 

Not getting the help needed is no excuse for wanting to hurt people. 
Sometimes time isn't enough to heal. 

Sometimes beliefs hinder our abilities to get over things
and move past those things. 
And misconceptions, perceiving things in certain ways. 
Like "this isn't fair." Until we think that it was....
Even though it wasn't. 
He started to think he somehow deserved it
and that other people deserve what they get, too. 
And that I deserve whatever might be coming to me. 
Because I spoke up to try to protect others, not him. 

But little does he know that when I tried to speak out for him, 
it got turned on me and he got taken away from me. 
It was never that I abandoned him as a child. 
It was never that I didn't want him. 
He was too young to understand what happened. 
And really young when he was being traumatized at school. 
And he didn't know how to ask for help.
And neither did I. I had nobody to ask for help. 
And often the 'help' I got wasn't helpful. 
It just made things worse. 

But I know that what he's been through wasn't easy for him. 
What I've been through hasn't been easy for me, either. 

Just because things are hard and people are suffering.... 
DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY GET TO MAKE OTHERS SUFFER.
FOR THINGS THAT THEY NEVER DID TO THEM....

"If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on those who never cut you."

Like just because I was abused as a kid, doesn't mean I get to abuse anyone.
Or hurt anyone.... Or take out my rage on anyone. 

I used to be full of rage. Wanting control I didn't have. 
That I don't have. Because there are things I do not have control over. 
Even though, yes, it would be awesome if I had complete control
over the outcome of certain situations, how it affects me and others... 

It would be awesome if I even had control over how helpless I feel. 
BECAUSE I don't have control over certain things. 

I could not get my son to open up to me about some things. 
Because those are hard things for him to talk about. 
Of course I want to support him as a person, 
but I can't support certain ideologies, beliefs, desires. 
I can't support him hurting anyone
or taking his rage out on anyone. I can't and won't support that. 
That is the only reason I spoke up about it. 

Maybe the way I did it didn't help the situation and didn't help him. 

He's angry because of how he was affected by the things that happened to him. 
That nobody was there for him, or thought nobody was there for him. 
I was, up to the point that I got scared, 
but I had to do something. 

I needed to convince him of things he didn't want to be convinced of. 
And that is a hard task for anyone. Not just me. 
And to try to make things 'right' now.... 
I have to try to do it all over again, but things are even harder now. 
Because he sees me as an enemy. 
Not as someone on his side.

I get that people can be emotionally "stuck" at the age
when they got traumatized. 
And that impedes their ability to 'mature.'

When his rage is dangerous, I had to step in. 
I wasn't going there to write the report, to report him. 
I needed to speak to the police. To someone. To get help. 
For me and for him. He doesn't want to get help, though. 
He thinks nobody cares because they couldn't and wouldn't help him. 

What I did, wasn't helping him. Didn't help him. 
I was trying to prevent him from doing something stupid. 
To protect people who have had nothing to do
with who hurt him, or what happened to him... 
With who didn't/wouldn't/couldn't protect him. 
From getting hurt in the first place. 

I couldn't provide any insight for him, any wisdom for him
and he wouldn't listen to me anyway. He thinks I'm crazy. 
And why would he listen to me now that I reported him?

I've been told that I have to let him go.
I never wanted to. I wanted to be close with him. 
I sacrificed my relationship with him
because I listened to those who told me to report him. 

BUT I KNOW WHAT LEAD UP TO THIS. 
HIM BEING HURT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

I used to be really angry, too. 
The anger was not getting me anywhere. 
It wasn't that I didn't care and don't care. 
I always have. I always have..... 

That's why it is so hard to let go.

I still don't want to give up,
but it's like I sacrificed everything to write that report. 
And it was all for nothing. 

I just wanted to get help. I needed help. 
I still need help. 

I want to think there still might be hope.
That one day he will see why I did what I did.
Because his rage is dangerous. 
He was talking like he could and would hurt someone. 
That is the ONLY reason I did what I did. 

And he doesn't like what I did. 
And didn't want me to do what I did. 

I didn't have much of a choice....

But I needed to deal with this in a better way. 
If he listened to me, respected me, maybe I could have gotten through to him
without having to do what I did. 

It's still hard to let go. 
Even though he does not want me in his life. 

Maybe there were times in the past he missed me.
And he knew I missed him but refused to communicate with me.
Shut me out so many times. Whenever he wanted.
With no way of knowing if he was coming back.
And each time was devastating for me.
He knew this. He did it anyway. Many times. 
I still took him back because I never stopped loving him.
I always wanted a relationship with him.
I wanted us to be close. I really wanted that. He knew that.

A part of me still does, but I have to be careful. 
Because he could be holding this against me.
And I don't know if I can trust him.
I really want to. 
He probably thinks he can't trust me.
I had to draw the line somewhere.
And it has to be drawn at hurting people.

If I'd said nothing and he went and hurt someone....
What kind of person would I be?
What kind of a parent would I be?

He wasn't telling me that he was going to do it
or that he had done anything, 
he told me that he wanted to.
And there was a risk there. 
It's a really hard place to be in.

And losing him all over again....
Probably for good.... This time.

I've been really sad. 
Lots of mixed feelings still going on.
Been trying to bring this up with the cousellors....
Been getting lots of jolts when I'm trying to sleep.
Like some thought will cross my mind when I'm trying to sleep....

It's been an emotional rollercoaster....
I don't feel good anymore....

There's not a lot to feel good about....

I think about my son all the time....

A friend told me that whether or not 
what I did was right..... I did it out of concern.
Which is true.

And I'm still trying to heal
from having been in love with someone
who was in love with someone else.
Who didn't actually want them....

And I don't know why I find myself 
in these situations....

He was trying to make me jealous....
To have something over me.
And that backfires with me.
If someone wants someone else, 
they can go be with someone else.
I'm not chasing anymore.
They can go chase someone else.

And he was trying to talk to me....
After he got with someone.... And I backed off.....
Because he had already made that choice.
So I stopped. Told him to go choke on a bag of d*cks.
For everything he put me through....
All that pain and suffering.... For what?
So he can have something and try to keep me, too?

I HAD TOLD HIM HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM.....
FROM LIKE DAY F*CKING ONE....

But anyway.... I'm stuck with all these feelings....
All these feelings with nowhere left to go....

Everyone walking out of my life, 
or keeping me hanging and they never wanted me...
WHY ALL THIS SUFFERING?
WHY ALL THIS PAIN? FOR WHAT?

AND I STILL STAYED.... AND I WAITED....
AND I TRIED.... I WANTED ALL THAT.....
NOT ANY OF THIS.....

WHY DO SOME THINGS COME EASIER
FOR OTHER PEOPLE?
WHY DO I GET MY @SS HANDED TO ME
WITH EVERYTHING I TRY TO DO?
WITH EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED IN MY LIFE?

WHY DO I GIVE EVERYTHING I HAVE
TO END UP WITH NOTHING?
FML! I am tired! 

So I can't do it anymore....
Someone asked me....
"If dating is such a moot point, why even bring it up?"
He thinks I still have desires....
WHY TF SHOULD I DESIRE ANYONE? OR ANYTHING?
EVERY TIME I DO, IT BLOWS UP IN MY FACE....
JUST MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING.....
SO WHY SHOULD I DESIRE ANYTHING?
WHY SHOULD I HAVE ANY DESIRES AT ALL?

I used to.... I used to have desires....
I used to want things.... I used to want to have things....
Just for ME. That's what I wanted....
But apparently I wanted too much....

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK
WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTED TO DESTROY ME.
WHO WANTED SOMEONE WHO WAS DESTROYING HIM.

WHO DID THINGS TO HIM I WOULD NEVER DO....
SO WHAT DID HE GO AND DO TO ME?
DID I DESERVE THAT?!

It p*sses me OFF how people treated me....
AND THEY WERE NEVER F*CKING SORRY!

BUT IT'S NOT MY JOB TO MAKE THEM SORRY.....
THEY EITHER ARE OR NOT...

AND THEY WEREN'T WHEN THEY WERE DOING THAT SH*T TO ME!!!

Anyway, it has been f*cked and I have been f*cked.
And there hasn't been anyone I could even ask for HELP.

I DON'T GET HOW PEOPLE KEEP ALL THIS SH*T FROM ME
AND THEN EXPECT ME TO BE OKAY WITH IT
WHEN THEY FINALLY TELL ME.....
WHEN IT IS NOT OKAY!!!

AND THEN MAKE IT MY FAULT
THAT IT ISN'T OKAY....
WHEN IT'S NOT OKAY......!!!

And people forcing me to walk away....
When they know that is the hardest thing for me to do.....

I AM F*CKING TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OF LITERALLY NOTHING WORKING OUT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GETTING ANGRY.... 
BUT IT DOES NOT GIVE ME A RIGHT TO HURT ANYONE....
JUST BECAUSE I'M IN PAIN...........

AND WHO COULD EVER LOVE ME NOW?!!!!
THAT I'M SO F*CKING BROKEN?!!!!
I'M TOO F*CKING TIRED TO TRY TO LOVE AGAIN!!!!!!

Not so much bitter.... Just TIRED....
F*CKING TIRED....

LIKE IF I TRY AGAIN.....
SOMETHING STUPID'S GOING TO HAPPEN....

Always something going on behind the scenes.....
That I'm not okay with....
But it's always blamed on ME! Why?!
IS EVERYTHING MY FAULT?!
ALWAYS?!