"That's Cute."

Been keeping to myself more and more. 
Haven't had any interaction with people
except for an online chat site (sometimes)
and talking to counsellors... 
I've been talking to 3 counsellors
and I need to get on the waiting list to get free counselling.
Paying for counselling adds up. 

BUT I NEED IT.

My friends can only help me so much.
And I'm lucky that they still talk to me
considering everything... 

Been working on my website more and more.

All these tarot readings are saying that someone from my past
is going to make a return. 
Been feeling **** in my energy a lot. 
Very heavily these days. 
I'd be very surprised if he came towards me
after everything he put me through
with all the lies and stuff. 
It made me second guess if I even want anything anymore.

I was getting over him with someone else.
Then I started having some feelings with this other person. 
Feelings that were not mutual. 
I haven't talked to the guy in a long time now. 
Because I got worried that he would stop talking to me
and he sensed my insecurity.... 
And I don't hear from him anymore. 
But in all fairness, he didn't want me relying on him
for some sense of stability/security. 
I can understand and appreciate that. 

I don't want to rely on anyone. 
I don't want to be a burden on anyone.
Most of the time, I just want to crawl into a hole and die already. 
Not because I don't think I'll ever be happy, 
but I just been f*cked around by too many people. 
All I wanted was for people to be kind to me, loving. 
Needing me, wanting me. Loving me. 

And I'm almost always alone. 
Which doesn't bother me so much anymore. 
It's that it's FORCED onto me, not really my CHOICE.
It's their choice, which makes it feel worse. 

Yeah, probably low self-esteem stuff.... 
When I feel like I'm accomplishing stuff, I feel okay, 
it helps keep the anxiety at bay.
And all the fears about the future, connected to the present.... 
AND THE PAST.....

"The past has no power over the present moment."
I saw this today. I get these quotes on a "momentum" app thing. 
They seem to be pertinent to what I'm going through. 

But I really need therapy and counselling. 
I can't really talk about this stuff on here. 
It's too DEEP and it's really f*cking painful. 
If relationships and my lack of a love life was all of it, 
it would be so much better and so much easier. 
Because as much as it sucks, I've been through that before. 
What I'm going through is really f*cking HARD.
Something that I never faced before
and something that I never thought that I would. Ever.

I made a choice. Whether it was the right one or wrong one, 
I still made a choice and I have to live with that choice. 

And nobody is ever going to look at how hard this has been for me. 
They only take themselves into consideration, here.
How this has affected them....
I've been going off the rails. EVERY>F*CKING>DAY.
Like my life feels completely upside down
and I don't know wtf to do. 
If I did, I would have probably made another choice. 
I'm not the best at making choices. 
I've made a lot of sh*tty choices in my life. 
Most of them have lead me exactly where I am right now.

Others made their choices, too. And I couldn't choose for them. 
They have their freewill and I can't make them do what's right.

I can only try to make better choices. For myself. 
That's literally all that I have left. 
I don't know if I'll ever be truly happy again. 
I have to heal from a lot of stuff. A lot. 
It seems that old wounds just keep opening back up. 
And even if I had an opportunity to be with someone
and be in love again, I'm just too f*cked up to take it.

And I'm in a lot of pain. A lot. 
Like I can't even begin to even say how much pain. 
I think it's been an accumulation of so much pain, years and years
that I just never wanted to look at because it's been a lot.... 

I can't even start to tell you. I can't. 
Or anyone. Just betrayal after betrayal
that I kept trying to bounce back from
like nothing ever happened, but... It has. 

And I know that others have their own pain
and they don't know what to do about it, either....

BUT I DON'T WANT TO OR NEED TO TAKE IT OUT ON ANYONE.
There is no need for that. 
There are people who never did anything to me. 
And just because someone hurt me doesn't mean
that I need to hurt them back. I don't. 
And it's not in me to hurt anyone. 

Yes, I pushed people away, with like very little explanation. 
Mostly because of my own fears and insecurity. 
It wasn't to do with them. It was me. 

I still want to see the best in people
and look for the good in people
and most people know that about me. 

BUT WHY CAN THEY NOT SEE THE GOOD IN ME, TOO?
And appreciate it for what it is?

I'm DEEPLY HURTING, though. 
"LOVE" and "sex" or whatever, isn't going to take that away.
Sure, it feels nice to be "wanted" sexually.... 
That flirting and stuff was nice. I miss it. 
But I don't have it in me to go there with anyone.
It's like that part of my life is over. 
Most of my life, as I knew it, is pretty much over. 
NOT BECAUSE OF COVID. 
I could handle this covid stuff standing on my head....

This other stuff, though... THIS IS F*CKING HARD.
Nobody said it was going to be easy, 
BUT WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO MAKE THINGS HARD FOR ME?
AND HARD FOR THEMSELVES?
AM I NOT CAPABLE OF MAKING THINGS HARD FOR MYSELF?
WITHOUT ANYONE DOING IT FOR ME?!?!

WHY CAN'T I GET A F*CKING BREAK?!?!?!
Why can't THEY see HOW they've been making sh*t hard for me?
When NONE of it was f*cking necessary.... NONE OF IT.

But I had to learn a bunch of sh*t. The hard way, apparently. 
Doing the wrong things, the wrong ways. 
"There isn't anything as useless as doing something efficiently
that shouldn't be done at all."

And I feel like that is the story of my life. 
Like I wouldn't be bombing at dating if I just stopped trying. 
Which I have. Being in a relationship isn't the bane of my existence. 

Anyone I had hoped to mean SOMETHING to.... 
WELP, IT TURNS OUT THAT I MEANT F*CK ALL TO......
And STILL MEAN F*CK ALL TO.... 

And SHOCK AFTER SHOCK AFTER SHOCK.... 
My friend said that I never get to recover from anything, FULLY
BEFORE something ELSE runs me tf over....

I just have periods of time where I have to lick my wounds, alone
for a while and TRY to rebuild myself, and TRY to feel better.... 
And when I do.... I start feeling a bit better....
And life resumes, and I start getting to a place where I feel SAFE, 
and then I get F*CKING BLINDSIDED.

Like I don't even get fully back on my feet
before the rug gets pulled out from underneath me again. 
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. 

And I see in the heartbreak group
people talking about ending a relationship
like it is the MOST traumatic thing that has ever happened to them.... 

Well, f*ck.... It's sad. I got over every breakup I ever had. 
Eventually. Of course I get P*SSED for having been done
the way I have been done. Disrespected... Rejected... 
Whatever... NOT THE MOST TRAUMATIC THING.
I have ALWAYS been over to overcome that.
THIS IS DIFFERENT ON SO MANY LEVELS.
Yeah, breakups hurt. There's pain there. 
I'll acknowledge that.... Feeling not good enough, etc.

BUT THAT ISN'T ANYTHING LIKE WHAT I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH!
And people can't and most WON'T understand what I'm going through. 

SO EXCUSE ME IF I DGAF ABOUT DATING, 
OR SEX, OR FLIRTING, OR ANY OF THAT GARBAGE ANYMORE....
Sure, it feels nice... Sometimes. It used to. 
Now I'm so f*cking NUMB when it comes to feeling anything. 
Because as soon as I let myself feel something, 
I FEEL LIKE SH*T. I FEEL SO MUCH PAIN, 
THAT I CAN BARELY STAND TO BE ALIVE.

And it is true what they said in AA about trying to numb our feelings. 
Can't just try to numb the pain 
and not expect to be numb to everything else, too.

AND THAT IS WHAT THEY DON'T TELL US.
BUT I SEE IT AND I FEEL IT.

So as much as I'd love to get that 'loving' feeling back....
It's just f*cking gone. Somewhere. For a long time. 

I still have love for people. 
Who I care about, respect, admire etc.... 
My family, too... Even if they aren't really respectable.... 
Even people who have done me so f*cking wrong..... 

For myself? Not enough for myself. Still. 
But as for the "I love you" as in... "I want to be with you...." No.
I used to feel that. It was nice. I loved it. 
But obviously it was painful when it wasn't mutual. 

AND ALL THEY HAD TO TELL ME
WAS THAT THEY WERE NOT INTO ME.
Instead of telling me they liked me
AND ACTING LIKE THEY DON'T.

I'd rather just be TOLD. STRAIGHT UP.
Just a straight up "F*ck no."
Than getting my heart pulled along
for a ride I never wanted to go on.... 

AND I DON'T SEE THE POINT
IN KEEPING SOMEONE INTERESTED
IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE NOT INVESTED
OR EVER INTERESTED IN INVESTING....

BECAUSE THAT SH*T IS COLD.
IT'S PAINFUL SH*T.
THAT TAKES A LOT TO GET OVER.

BUT I CAN STILL GET OVER THAT.

I WASTED A LONG TIME ON THINGS
THAT WERE NEVER GOING TO F*CKING GO ANYWHERE
BECAUSE I WAS NEVER THE GIRL THEY WANTED.
BUT DID ANY OF THEM HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME?
TO MY FACE? NO.

TO SIT DOWN WITH ME AND TALK TO ME?
ABOUT WHY THEY DID ME THE WAY THEY DID ME? NO.

And yeah, I f*cked up a lot in my life. 
MAYBE I'M STILL PAYING FOR HOW I USED TO BE.
MAYBE I'M STILL PAYING FOR BEING F*CKING SELFISH. 
AND STUPID. AND HAVING A LOT TO LEARN.
AND HAVING TO LEARN IT THE HARD WAY.
ALL THE F*CKING WAY UP THE MOUNTAIN.
JUST TO KEEP FALLING, FALLING, FALLING....
ALL THE WAY BACK DOWN....

It's like the Universe is saying: "Oh, you think you can climb back up?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm not even talking about trying to date again. 
That ship has F*CKING SAILED A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!!!
AND I'M NOT EVEN SAD ABOUT THAT!!!!!!
IF I HAVE TO BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE....
SO F*CKING BE IT!!!!!!
I'M OKAY WITH THAT. I HAVE HAD TO MAKE PEACE WITH THAT.
AND AFTER EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH
THE LAST TIME I WANTED TO DATE.....
IT DOES NOT APPEAL TO ME ANYMORE.
SEX DOESN'T EVEN APPEAL TO ME ANYMORE.
I GOT TURNED OFF.
ALL THAT BULLSH*T TURNED ME OFF.

All I care about is trying to just feel better, now.
So I can start to feel ALIVE again. 
So that I can start feeling OKAY again... 
So that I can SURVIVE. THAT'S IT.
SO THAT I CAN TRY TO MAKE IT OUT OF THIS.

THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW.
EVEN IF THOSE WHO HURT ME IN THE PAST
CAME BACK TO TRY TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITH ME.....
THEY ARE GOING TO FIND THIS VERSION OF ME. 
NOT THE VERSION OF ME THAT WOULD HAVE
GIVEN THEM ALL THE LOVE I HAVE IN MY HEART AND MORE....

I WANTED SOME LOVE, TOO.

But I can understand that my son doesn't love me anymore. 
Because I betrayed him. 
I sacrificed any chance I had at having a relationship with him
because I got scared and I'm still scared. 

I used to feel like he loved me. A long time ago. 
He's not my baby boy anymore. 
It seems that I'm always grieving everyone I ever loved. ALWAYS.
Doesn't make me want to love anyone again. 

Sometimes I want to take the chance to tell people
who I love that I love them, while I have the chance to do it. 
And other times I just get too scared. 
AND IT SHOULDN'T FEEL TERRIFYING!
IT SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THE RUG
IS ABOUT TO GET PULLED OUT
FROM UNDERNEATH ME YET AGAIN!!!!!!!

LOVING SOMEONE SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE
GIVING THEM THE POWER TO HURT ME.

IT SHOULD FEEL LIKE THE WARMTH I'VE BEEN MISSING
ALL MY F*CKING LIFE.

THE WARMTH OF BEING WANTED.
NOT JUST TO BE WANTED....
BECAUSE I AM TRULY WANTED.....

APPRECIATED, CARED FOR AND CARED ABOUT.....

Like if I died in here... I don't know how long
it would take for anyone to know....
I know I said it a few times, and it is true.
Would my "family" know?
Would they care?
IF I HAD MONEY TO LEAVE THEM, 
THEY'D ONLY CARE ABOUT THAT....

BUT I'M STILL ALIVE. For now.... For not?
Have I made a difference on this planet?
It doesn't feel like I have. Or will. 
I don't want to make it an even worse place.
But I feel like I have, in some ways....
Because people wouldn't let me make it better for them
when I had the chance to do that one thing for them.... 
And now, can I make things better for myself?

IT FEELS LIKE ALL I EVER DO IS MAKE THINGS WORSE
WHICH IS WHEN I WANT TO JUST DIE SO F*CKING BADLY.
Not in a bad, painful way, just to go out quick. 
AND NOT HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN.

BUT BEING ALIVE IS THE ABILITY TO FEEL EVERYTHING.
EVEN THE SH*T YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL.
IT SEEMS, ESPECIALLY THE SH*T YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL....
IT SEEMS THAT IS ALL THAT I CAN FEEL.

And no, I don't "have to like it" but I am too tired
to run from it or to pretend that I feel happy
or feel other things that I can't really remember anymore. 
Been so stuck in the sadness and pain, 
that it's what I know. Sadly. 

Every time I was ever really happy, was short-lived. 
I'd be happy until something happened.... 
And it was almost always bound to happen
and it'd just cut me deep and have me f*cking REELING
for months and months and months.... 

Like whatever happened with ****, that was NOTHING
COMPARED TO WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH.

THAT IS HOW I STAYED SINGLE FOR SO LONG.....
AND UNINTERESTED SINCE MY LAST RELATIONSHIP
WHICH WAS LIKE 5 YEARS AGO....

It is definitely not the bane of my existence.
I don't have to be out there, chasing anyone. 
Or even talking to anyone... 
Yeah, I miss talking to C*****.
It has been a long while. We used to talk about other things
other than sexual things. 

He's very intelligent. I am attracted to intelligent guys. 
But an attraction isn't enough for me to be ALL IN anymore. 
It used to be. That's all it used to take. 
For me to want to go ALL IN. 
And I'd lose myself in that all the time. 
AND THEY WEREN'T ALL IN, MOST OF THE TIME.

IT WAS JUST ME. 
AND ALWAYS ENDED UP FEELING EMPTY
AND HURT AND JUST UNFULFILLED.
BUT LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS
AND EVEN MARRIED AND NOT HAPPY.

MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY ARE MISSING SOMETHING IN THERE.
PASSION BEING ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

WHEN IT STARTS FEELING LIKE A CHORE
TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, TO LOVE THEM....
THAT'S NOT REALLY LOVE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYONE'S CHORE.
ANYONE'S BURDEN OR CROSS TO BEAR.

I feel so differently, now. 
I used to just want to go all in, give it everything I had....
For what? For what **** did to me?
For what everyone else did to me?

I just am not the same person, anymore. 
I lost so much of myself. 
Because I gave it away? To people who didn't care?
I don't know why.... 
Because I'm STUCK IN THIS?!

I don't want to feel like this. I don't!
LIKE IF I WAS GOOD ENOUGH, 
THEY'D LOVE ME... WANT ME....
FOR ME, BECAUSE I'M GOOD ENOUGH....
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BEING GOOD ENOUGH
FOR A GUY, LIKE **** or anyone else....
JUST IN GENERAL.... IN MY LIFE.... FML.

IT JUST REALLY SUCKS FEELING LIKE THIS.
AND BEING ROMANTICALLY REJECTED.....
THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING ANYMORE.
I HAD TO GET SO F*CKING HURT
LIKE BEYOND HURT TO REALIZE
THAT I DON'T EVEN NEED THAT IN MY LIFE....

Because I f*cking don't. I just don't.
And it's not that I'm too jaded now, 
I just don't actually need that in my life.

THAT "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!"
FEELING IS GREAT.... 
BUT HOW LONG DOES THAT LAST?!
Will I ever even be able to feel that, again?
Probably not. 
AND not because of ****.
I know there are GOOD guys out there. 
WHO MEAN WELL.

I know that I could potentially meet someone
who would be there for me through it all, 
and STILL love me.... 

AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M SCARED
THAT IT WON'T WORK OUT.

THAT ISN'T WHAT I'M SCARED OF.

I think part of what I'm scared of
is that the part of me who wanted to love....
Is just buried somewhere. UNDER SO MUCH STRESS AND GRIEF
that I don't think I'll be able to feel "IN LOVE" again.
No matter if I wanted to.... 
JUST FEELS LIKE I CAN'T.

I AM ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER.
WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO GTFO IT.

WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO EVEN FEEL LIKE IT IS SAFE
TO "LOVE" AGAIN. 
EVEN THOUGH THERE IS STILL LOVE IN MY HEART.
IT"S JUST TRAPPED RIGHT NOW.
UNDERNEATH A MOUNTAIN OF PAIN.

And I'm not even talking about the pain **** caused. 
OR the grief his lies and bullsh*t amounted to....
IT GOES SO FAR BEYOND THAT.
SO F*CKING FAR BEYOND THAT....

I can't even begin to tell anyone.... 
I don't think anyone will ever f*cking know.... 
HOW F*CKING CAN THEY?
HOW WOULD THEY EVER KNOW?!?!

And people reading this are probably thinking
that I'm just throwing another pity party for myself.... 
And how TF would they know?
What I've been going through?
Or what it feels like?
They can F*CK RIGHT OFF

IF THEY THINK FOR ONE F*CKING MINUTE
THAT I'M WRITING THIS
BECAUSE I'M LOOKING FOR PITY
OR SYMPATHY..... 

I don't even have a reason I'm writing it. 
To say I'm done? To say I'm numb?
To speak my mind? 

IDFK anymore. Why I do anything anymore.... 
What my purpose in this life even is....
Because it seems like I fail at everything
and just waste loads of time.... 

Just wanting to feel better. 
F*CK FEELING GOOD, THOUGH.
I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER THAN THIS.

No "miracle man" is going to "save" me or whatever.
That isn't anyone's job. 
To help me feel safe enough to open my heart again.....
Every time I do, I wish I f*cking didn't.
For lots of reasons. 
But mostly, people are stupidly selfish
and every time I ever started having "feelings" for a guy....
It's like the Universe saying: "That's cute."
"Guess you didn't learn the last several times...."
"Guess you need to be shown again
how you don't actually matter."
"Maybe you'll learn this time."
"If you don't, you had many opportunities to learn."
"We'll make it extra special for you this time."
"Give you so much pain that you won't want to go there again."
"Ever again."

"Like never, ever, again."