It's Just A Coat

 I don't know where to go from here. I feel so stuck in my emotions.
About my son and about myself, and my life.
And tired of everyone's misconceptions about me.
They aren't ever around me long enough to really know me.
And even those who think that they do, actually don't
because they have their own ideas about me, too.
They choose to look at me the way they do.
They chose to look at me the ways they have.

Because I'm not like other people....

My friend was talking to me about this the other night.
About how he thinks perception is important.
He keeps going on and on about how I need to change
and what I need to change for people to see me in a better light etc.

Can I change someone's attitude? No?
Well, people who have a certain attitude
are going to look at everyone and everything accordingly.
It's UP TO THEM TO DECIDE
HOW THEY WANT TO LOOK AT ME.

My friend keeps going on and on about a coat I have
because he doesn't like it
and he says it makes people look at me negatively.
It's just a f*cking coat. 

Yes, people judge me based on everything. 
Even if I changed the way I dressed, spoke, acted etc....
They'll find other things to judge me on.

The fact that I'm poor, the fact I have mental illness....
What else? The fact that I am different.
That I see some things a lot differently than a lot of people....

Why do I still fear their judgment?
When NONE OF THEM know me?
Yeah I get looks when I'm wearing the leather trench coat
but it keeps me warm and it's comfortable.
Why would I not want to be warm and comfortble?

He keeps telling me it makes me look like a homeless person.
He just judges me on what I wear, too.
Like why should I go to the mall and buy designer sh*t?
When the clothes I have are still good?
Do I need to be a fashion expert?
Do I need to dress like everyone else?
Do I need to care if they think I look like a homeless person?
Why do they? I'm a person. That's all I am. 
And yes, I have been homeless before.
But I was still a person, then, too.

The people who were the most accepting of me
were homesless people.
I didn't gaf that they were homeless.
Or why. Didn't matter to me.
They are still people.
They seemed to like that about me.
And they respected me for that.

We are all just people.
No matter what we wear, how we dress, 
how we live etc. We are just people.

It seems every time I see him and I'm wearing the coat
he has to comment on it
trying to get me to get rid of it or something.
Because he doesn't like it.
It doesn't fail, ever.
Just accept that A*** has a coat that you don't like.
And if it's not a coat you would wear, 
then you don't have to wear the coat.
I have my reasons for wearing the coat.

But he keeps going on and on....
Like "what do you expect?"
Can you expect to be treated better
when people look at you like this and like that?
When their first thoughts about you
when they see you wearing the coat are negative?

IT'S A F*CKING COAT, PEOPLE! FFS!

But yeah, I get dirty looks from people
who can't look past the coat....

But... At the same time, most people
who think they know me.... Do they? Do they know me?

Like my friend, C****. The guy who hates my coat....
HE is trying to convince me that I need to TRANSFORM
for people to respect me, etc.

People just want me to be like other people. I'm not.
Like I have to be just like them to get their respect.
Or better... Or something.
Better than I've always been...
I've settled for less, all my life.
From everyone, and from myself....

And I didn't want people to expect too much from me.
And no, I have not lived up to their expectations. Ever.
Not because I didn't want to make them happy, 
but I wasn't happy doing things that wasn't me
for them to be happy with some version of me
that they think I should be. If that makes any sense.

I AM NOT A PERFECT PERSON.
AND WHEN PEOPLE EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM ME, 
YEAH, THEY ARE GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED.

I want to be "fine" the way that I am. 
I want to be accepted for me.

WHO THE F*CK CARES ABOUT MY COAT?
DO YOU CARE MORE ABOUT HOW SOMEONE LOOKS
THAT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE?!?!

If Tony Robbins wore my coat, 
he'd still be Tony Robbins.

Anyway, just making a point.
That a lot of people don't seem to get.

A coat doesn't make a person who they are.
And it really sucks that people are judged more
by what they look like and seem like than who they really are.

I wish people knew me as a person. Who I really am.
Not saying I'm a saint or the best person, ever.
I've made lots of mistakes and have f*cked up, a lot.

Anyway, it just bugs me.
That people who feel the need to fit in with society
think that I should feel that need, too. I don't.
Because it's not about what I have.

It's more about what I do and who I am.

People can have just about everything and anything
and just having it does not make them better people.
Not by a long shot.

And I used to go shopping and buy things I didn't and don't need.
And it was to help me feel better, but it never lasted.
And when I realized that, I just stuck to buying things that I need.

I see those hoarder houses on that channel I was watching.
Yeah, there was some cool stuff in there, 
but also tons of garbage.
And they can't tell me they need garbage
or that garbage makes anyone happy.

Unless "one person's trash is another person's treasure."
Or whatever... But that's not what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I look around me and I wonder if I'd end up like that.
I've been close a few times. I have too much stuff as it is.
I had to stop buying stuff I don't need.
I barely have enough money for the things I do need.

Why want something just to have it?
I know people who want something, to have it
and then they don't want it anymore.

I know a guy who has to go buying stuff everywhere we go.
And he has even asked me along just to go shopping with him.
And then we're in there for a long time
because he has to look at everything
and he's buying crap he doesn't need
just because he wants to have it.

I can understand why he is that way.
I was once like that, too.
Trying to fill some void with stuff
until I realized that the stuff isn't what I've been after.
Shopping was never the thing that was meant to fill me.

And I couldn't give 2 sh*ts about shopping now....
But it seems there are a bunch of guys who think I should.

There was a guy who I used to know
who was trying to make me an offer.
He wanted to date me, but he said:
"I'd buy you all the things that would make you beautiful."
And that was one of the things that made me turn him down.
Because I want someone to see what's on the inside.
And I want to feel like it counts and matters.

Because under all that makeup and whatever
are some pretty ugly girls. But they "look" good....
Doesn't make them good people.

I'll likely never forget the day the guy said that to me.
Or the other things other guys have said to me
and blamed me for their own issues.

I'm not blaming my issues on them. 
But they don't get to blame their issues on me.
I have a BIG issue with that.

And if they have an issue with how I dress,
that is their issue, not mine.

I dress for practicality and comfort.
I don't dress for a fashion show.
I don't need $900 outfits....
Or designer anything....
I don't wear makeup often.
I don't dress "up" anymore.
I used to get the wrong kind of attention.
And that was part of the problem.

I guess getting dirty looks and whatever
is still getting attention, but that isn't why
I dress the way I dress.
I just want to be comfortable.

I'm not comfortable dressing "up."
I'm not comfortable with how people look at me when I do.

Anyway, clothes are clothes.
And there will likely always be
some well dressed @ssholes and b*tches.
So it doesn't matter to me.