SEO and RANT

 So.... Been getting some comments on one specific post.
Don't know why I keep getting comments on that post
and not on any of the other posts.
I think people keep finding that one post
because people keep commenting on it....

I heard that in SEO, the more comments a post gets, 
the more the post gets traction.

I haven't been doing SEO for this blog. 
Mostly because I've been using this blog
to work out some personal stuff....
And talking about my life, to a point.
It's been more to just write... Not to get traffic.

My other site, the wordpress site....
I plan on doing SEO for it, eventually. 
And I'll be writing about that kind of stuff over there.

I don't know what kind of keywords the blog comes up for.
I don't do any keyword stuff for this blog. 
Whoever found me, found me. Somehow. 

Anyway, I get some views on this blog. 
Not a lot. Maybe up to 10 views when I post.
When I was getting lots of comments, I was getting more views.
So when people ask me about SEO and stuff like that, 
I'll tell them about some tools.
I don't use any of the SEO tools because.... Like I said, 
I've been writing about some personal stuff
and I'm not writing to get noticed or to build a following or whatever.

I write on here to vent and to try to work some things out.
To express myself, write what's on my mind etc.
I haven't done any niche writing or anything like that.

The people who have huge followings for their blogs and sites
tend to stick to a topic, and they don't write about personal things.
The topic they write about is their niche.

What I would do is watch a lot of SEO tutorials on YOUTUBE.
And stuff like that. Go onto forums and groups
where they talk about and know about SEO stuff. 
If that is what you want to do. 

I can think of some examples of why people 
would want to increase traffic to their blog. 
Like if they are doing affiliate stuff, running ads, selling stuff etc.
Or they want to build a following.... 

As for blogging... The person to follow is the author of:
The Art of Blogging. Look him up. 

Also, if you are looking for SEO tools, 
there is a site called SEO Book.
go to tool.seobook.com. 

I may turn it into a link at some point, 
but it is early in the morning. Just read a comment...
Someone asking me about SEO tools. 

Also, I'm running this blog on blogger, not Wordpress.
I'll be putting together a Wordpress playlist soon.
Been learning stuff about it, but it still drives me
F*CKING BANANAS. 
Trying to customize everything... 

I'm making my own widgets, though. 
That share circle thing on this blog, it's not connected to anything, 
it's just some code that I found in a tutorial that I thought was neat.
I like to play with the animations on it. 
I kept it on here because it was one thing that I wanted to try. 
The cool thing about stuff like that, is that you can put them on your site. 

Haven't figured out how to put keyframes and stuff like that
into blogger or Wordpress... I've been working on other stuff. 
Like just trying to get different pages set up.

My blog over there isn't doing too hot. 
I have to redo a lot of posts and design a better template.
I also have to get my products ready, eventually. 
I want to get my pages set up, first
and everything looking better. A lot better.
Still have time for that. As I figure some other stuff out.
I put a clock on my other blog. 
I might add it to this blog. 

Anyway, like I said, I don't get tons of views on here. 
The most I got was like 50 in one day, 
but that was because an ex kept leaving me comments
because he was pissed off at me and I kept responding to them. 

But it's more like an average of maybe 7-10 per post. That's it. 
Considering that I started at ZERO, I've got more than I used to, 
but it's not about getting views on here, for me. 
I just needed a place to come and write about some things. 
And as much as I write about some stuff, 
there's a lot that I don't write about.

A lot of stuff is killing me on the inside. Literally. Daily. 
Just eating at me. And the counselling can only do so much.
The pills to help me sleep, I haven't been taking them. 
I should be because they actually work. 

Been working on my website to help pass the time
and to help me feel like I'm accomplishing something. 
When I don't actually feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Maybe I'll get somewhere, one day, 
but for now, it's about learning how it works
and trying to get it set up. 
And trying to make it look decent. 
That's about it. 

WHEN I have something worth sending traffic to....
THEN I'll think more about SEO and learn how to do it.
For NOW, I'm not trying to get traffic. 
The traffic I get is more or less coincidental. 
More or less an ex still reading my blog, a few followers
who happen to like my writing style 
or whatever. Maybe they are secretly rooting for me, 
or maybe they just want to keep tabs on me
or maybe they just want to laugh at me... Idfk. 

But... They probably know me better than most people in my life. 
From times I've been able to open up on here, to an extent. 
To pour my heart out when I could. 
To the extent that I could... 

Maybe some things I said made sense....
Someone left a comment on here, once
saying that they told someone something I'd written on here
and that they were bought dinner because of it.
Which is pretty cool. 
Maybe I've been of some assistance, idk. 

Blogging helps me and has been a therapy thing for me.
Mostly been feeling lost and at a loss in my life. 
When in actuality, others push me away. 
For their own reasons. 
Thinking all kinds of things about me. 
Some of it may be true, but not all of it is. 
I think most people want to give themselves reasons to hate me.
Maybe I gave them so reasons, too. 
Because I haven't been the most stable person. 
But I have had good intentions, mostly. 
Other times I was being stupid and selfish. 
And I see where I went wrong. 
A bunch of things I said in the past and did, 
have been resurfacing and haunting me. 
One of the hardest things is forgiving myself. 

For all the stupid sh*t I did in my life. Or said. Or/and.
I had to LEARN from all of that. I'm still learning. 
Learning that it is HARD to forgive myself
and to realize there's a lot of sh*t I didn't know.
Including how things would go....

And I still don't know how things could go, in the future. 
All that I do know is there is still a LOT beyond my control.
And that the control I wanted to have
is control that I don't actually have. 
I only have control over myself... And the choice I make. 
If I choose not to choose, that is still a choice. 
Staying stagnant for so long was choosing not to choose. 
In some ways, I thought it was easier not to, 
but it's not. I wasn't setting myself up for success.

And I'm still not setting myself up for success....
I don't even KNOW what success LOOKS LIKE.
It's like trying to get to a place I haven't been before. 

Like all I've known is people blaming me for their mistakes.
Refusing to learn what they could be learning. 
Refusing to do what they could be doing, 
and blaming ME for refusing to do that.

And yes, I refused to do a lot of sh*t.
Because I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.
And I used it as an exuse to not do it.
Just staying stuck in a comfort zone, and staying SMALL because of that, 
but staying small never WON anyone's respect.

People still just look at me like I'm NOTHING. 
Including my own child. Who is legally an adult now. 
Who has a lot of growing and learning to do on his own. 
And I can only LET him to do that, now. 
I cannot guide anyone who wants to be on their own path.
Who wants to live their own life, 
who wants to learn all kinds of hard lessons, in hard ways.
As a parent, I wanted to be THERE FOR HIM. 
Because I didn't have that. Still don't. I may never have that.
Because I never got it from my family, 
and neither did he, he thinks nobody cares about him. 
I feel like that, a lot, too. 
THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME, EITHER.
BUT I HAVE TO CARE ENOUGH ABOUT MYSELF
TO LEARN SOME THINGS IN LIFE.

Yeah, it never hurts to learn about making money...
That is only a PORTION of LIFE.
There's mental health, general health, healing from trauma etc.
There's so much more to LIFE than making money.
So much more to LIFE than what everyone THINKS.

And yeah... Not every thought about me is possitive.
People still don't know and can't see WHY I did what I did.
They only look at WHAT I DID WRONG. 
NOT AT ANYTHING I DID RIGHT.

And they looked to me, to blame ME for their own sh*t.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
TRYING TO CONTROL ME.
MANIPULATE ME. INTO FEELING A CERTAIN WAY
ABOUT MYSELF.

WITH BLAME, OR GUILT....
And a lot of the blame and guilt... Yeah... I am owning up to
a lot of PAST sh*t.
That they don't need to throw on me constantly, 
or throw in my face every day. 
I live with constant reminders and constant regrets etc.
I have my own shame.
It's part of holding myself accountable. 
BUT WHAT THEY DO NOT REALIZE
IS THAT THEY HAVE TO HOLD THEMSELVES
ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR OWN SH*T.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT ME HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE.
THEY HAVE TO OWN THEIR OWN SH*T.
JUST LIKE I HAVE TO OWN MY OWN SH*T.

And yeah.... SHAME makes us feel SH*TTY, 
And most people would rather not feel SH*TTY, 
but they don't KNOW HOW to stop feeling sh*tty.
AND FEELING SH*TTY GETS US DOING SH*TTY SH*T.
BUT WE GET TO CHOOSE WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO.
IF WE ARE GOING TO DO THE RIGHT THING, 
OR IF WE KEEP SELF-DESTRUCTING.

And yeah... A lot of people only know how to self-destruct.
Even when they would rather not.
I know what it is like getting in my own way. 
I could write the f*cking book on that.
That has been my life.

I haven't always done the right things, at the right times. 
It was 'easier' not to do certain things
that I should have been doing this whole time. 
And I have paid for it, dearly. Consistently. 

I've had to stop trying to fix things that I can't fix. 
And stop thinking that I can fix things
that are beyond my control. 

It's for other people to fix some things about themselves
AND want to do that. I can't want them to see that. 
I can't want them to fix themselves. 
I mean that I could want that, 
but wanting that doesn't make them want to. 
I've been stubborn, too. 

Refusing to see sh*t, to look at it. 
To look at myself, etc.
I've blamed some of my sh*t on others. 
I learned that from people blaming their sh*t on me.

But I also learned that you can't really blame people
for their own sh*t because they don't like it. 
Even though their faults are their faults. 
Even pointing sh*t out to them that they don't want to deal with...
Or aren't even capable of dealing with.... 
Or don't want to deal with.... Because it's too hard.... 
Doesn't feel good etc.....

Welp, f*ck. No, it doesn't feel good to get blamed, 
or when we FINALLY REALIZE
THAT WE ARE TO BLAME
FOR A LOT OF SH*T THAT HAPPENED TO US, 
BUT NOT ALL OF IT.
A LOT OF SH*T THAT HAPPENED TO US
WASN'T ACTUALLY OUR FAULT.
BUT DOES NOT MAKE US COMPLETELY BLAMELESS
FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US.
ONLY THE SH*T THAT IS BEYOND OUR CONTROL.
WE ARE TO BLAME FOR THE SH*T
THAT IS WITHIN OUR CONTROL.

And yeah.... There's a lot in life that isn't FAIR.
OR NICE, OR GOOD.
Just because we put in the effort, 
doesn't mean we are GOING TO GET anything back. 
BUT IF WE PUT IN NO EFFORT, 
WE ARE GOING TO GET NOTHING BACK.

I kept trying and trying and trying to put in effort
WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT DOING THAT FOR ME.
BECAUSE IT WAS STILL IMPORTANT TO ME
TO TRY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.
WHETHER ROMANTIC, PLATONIC, FAMILY....
I STILL KEPT TRYING. 
UNTIL I GAVE UP, IN MOST INSTANCES.
BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT TRYING
TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.

AND I'VE BEEN F*CKING STRUGGLING
WITH MY EMOTIONS, AND MENTAL HEALTH.

Fighting this BATTLE that others can't see,
they only see me LOSING THE BATTLE,
NOT THE TIMES I'VE FOUGHT. HARD.
FOR HARDLY ANYTHING, FOR NOTHING. 

So yeah, they see me as a loser. 

Some have even called me inexperienced, 
but do they know what I have experienced?
Do they know what I've been struggling with?
How hard it's been not to just run into traffic
or jump off a building or a bridge?
Or just take all these f*cking pills?

I forfeit everything if I choose to end my life. 
Even the possibilty that some things can get better. 
BUT NOTHING GETS BETTER
UNTIL I GET BETTER.
UNTIL I START TREATING MYSELF BETTER.
UNTIL I TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.

UNTIL I TAKE SOME STEPS TOWARDS SETTING STUFF UP.
So that I have something in place for myself in the future... 

Because as of now... I don't have much of anything. 
I have some things, things I didn't used to have, 
but I'M NOT WHERE I COULD BE.

And I keep thinking: IS ANYTHING WORTH ANYTHING ANYMORE?
Like trying to do all this stuff, trying to figure out
HOW TO DO THIS AND HOW TO DO THAT.....
AND NOT GETTING THE GUIDANCE I NEEDED.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I COULDN'T GET IT
FROM THE PEOPLE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO LOOK UP TO, TO TURN TO.

So I ended up in crisis after crisis. 
I'll be doing okay for a while, 
but then everything FALLS APART.
BECAUSE OF HOW OTHERS STILL TREAT ME.
BECAUSE OF HOW THEY STILL LOOK AT ME.
AND I DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER THAT
OTHER THAN TO SAY THAT I CAN'T LET THEM
JUST CONTINUOUSLY TREAT ME LIKE SH*T.

Yeah, there are people I still love. 
Who I wish would treat me BETTER, 
but they don't seem to be capable of doing that.
OF SEEING MY WORTH.
OF SEEING ANY VALUE THAT I HAVE.
OF EVEN SEEING THEIR OWN WORTH, AND VALUE.
AND NOT SEEING WHAT THEY VALUE.
AND WHY THEY VALUE THAT.

I've been one of those people. 
Being an alcoholic, I valued alcohol. 
I valued being under the influence. 
I valued not taking accountability for my own sh*t.
Or being responsible. 
Or holding myself responsible. FOR A LOT OF SH*T.

AS CHILDREN, WE AREN'T.
AS ADULTS, WE ARE.

There either comes a time where we REALIZE things, 
or we don't realize things. 
BUT WE HAVE TO DEVELOP THE CAPACITY
TO REALIZE THINGS.
OTHERWISE WE WILL KEEP REFUSING TO SEE IT.
TO LOOK AT IT....

Like REALIZING THAT THERE ARE THINGS
THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO DO.

"There isn't anything as USELESS
as doing something so efficiently
THAT SHOULDN'T BE DONE AT ALL."

WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THINGS
THAT WE SHOULDN'T DO.

BUT YET WE DO THEM, ANYWAY....
DON'T F*CKING LIE TO YOURSELF
AND SAY THAT YOU DON'T.

We are all guilty of doing sh*t we shouldn't do.

Sh*t that serves us NO purpose. 
That doesn't HELP us. 
Was it helping me to get drunk and be drunk?
I thought I needed it. I didn't. 
Now, I can walk by a liquor store and KNOW
THAT I DON'T NEED ALCOHOL.
I WANTED IT, TO TRY TO HELP ME COPE
WITH A LOT OF SH*TTY SH*T IN MY LIFE.
WITH PEOPLE TREATING ME LIKE SH*T....
THAT IS HARD TO COPE WITH.
I STAYED LONGER THAN I SHOULD HAVE.
I REALLY F*CKING DID.

WITH PEOPLE WHO SEEM INCAPABLE
OF F*CKING REALIZING ANYTHING.
WHO REFUSE TO CHANGE, 
TO WORK ON THEMSELVES, 
TO LOOK AT THEIR OWN ISSUES
AND TO STOP BLAMING ME
FOR SH*T THAT IS THEIR FAULT.

I'm not saying that NOTHING is my fault, 
BUT WHAT IS THEIR FAULT IS THEIR FAULT.
WHAT IS MY FAULT IS MY FAULT.

THEIR FAULT ISN'T MY FAULT.
MY FAULT ISN'T THEIR FAULT.

They have their own blame to TAKE, 
SO DO I.

AND THE BLAME ISN'T JUST ON ME.
OR JUST ON THEM.

THE SHAME ISN'T JUST ON ME.
OR JUST ON THEM.

BUT THEY NEED TO REALIZE THAT.
I CANNOT FORCE ANYONE TO REALIZE ANYTHING.
I CANNOT FORCE ANYONE TO BE READY TO REALIZE ANYTHING.
OR DEVELOP THE CAPACITY TO REALIZE ANYTHING.

But can I WAIT for them to realize anything?
When they may not develop the capacity?
IS IT MY FAULT WHEN THEY REFUSE TO DO IT?
IS IT MY FAULT THAT THEY REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING?
When they refuse to listen to me?
When they refuse to care?
WHEN THEY STUBBORNLY REFUSE MY LOVE?
WHEN THEY REFUSE TO LEARN
FROM THEIR OWN MISTAKES?
IS IT MY F*CKING FAULT?
NO?! SO WHY DO THEY KEEP BLAMING ME?!

BECAUSE IT IS EASIER THAN BLAMING THEMSELVES?!