Stfu Stupid Heart

It's still hard letting go of what I wanted.
Idfk why, though. There were signs that I ignored.
I chose not to look at certain things. That's on me.

I didn't want to believe someone would do me like that. 
But it seems that people do me like that all the time.
I just thought "Not him, not this time." I was wrong. 
I was wrong about a lot of things. 
And he was wrong about me. 
And it's not up to me to make him see that. 
Or up to me to make anyone see that. 
How wrong they've been about me. 
To do me like that....

But they want me to hate them so they can move on guilt free
and not even feel bad that they did me like that.

And maybe there is something out there for me. 
I just not even sure if I even want anything anymore.
I mean, all I wanted was the truth. "A***, I'm not into you."
"A***, I was with someone the whole time."
"A***, you're not my type." Whatever it is.
I'd rather just know. No matter how I feel about it.

Instead of hoping against all hope that ONE DAY....
Someone might SEE MY WORTH. AND TRY. 
SOMEONE MIGHT FEEL THE SAME WAY, ABOUT ME.
SOMEONE MIGHT PUT THE EFFORT IN, 
AND NOT GET TOO COMFORTABLE AFTER A WHILE
THEY STOP TRYING.

But, I'm not even sure I want to even go there anymore.
To end up someone's second best? Third? Fourth? Sixth?
"When there's nobody else around...." I don't want that. 
And I had told him that.

And all he had to do was open his mouth and tell me
what was REALLY going on.
TO SPARE ME ALL THE BULLSH*T.

NOT "WELP, AT LEAST THERE'S A***."
"WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS..... SHE'S STILL AROUND...."
WTF IS THAT?! NOT LOVE.....

So no. Just no. Why tf do I want that?

Idfk why I keep writing about this. 
I'm sick of thinking about it. 
All the possibilities of what really happened. 
And I just wanted answers the whole time.
Just wanted the truth. That is all.

Could have just walked away a long time ago. 
Because all his actions spoke volumes. They did.
All everyone's actions speak volumes. 
Including mine. AFTER EVERYTHING I WAS WILLING TO FORGIVE.
BUT THEY JUST WANTED TO PUSH ME SO FAR AWAY
TO MAKE ME WALK AWAY
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T JUST TELL ME
HOW THEY REALLY FELT ABOUT ME.

PEOPLE WHO MEANT A LOT TO ME.
DID THAT TO ME.

It's still hard to believe it, but it's true. 
When all they had to do was just tell me.
That they didn't want me.
But they had to be all like:
"If I show her enough times, 
maybe she'll get the picture."
JUST F*CKING SAY IT. SIMPLE AS.

I get that not everyone is going to like me.
Not everyone is going to all in love with me
or stay in love with me. 
Or still want me and choose me
even when someone else comes around....
I get it. But just tell me.

"You're not the one I want, A***."
Why is that so hard? It's the truth, isn't it?

Because they don't want to feel bad?
For breaking my heart?
Instead they'd rather just string me along? Why?
What is the point in doing that?
Just to avoid feeling guilty?
For being such an @sshole?

And why am I even thinking about this sh*t?
Don't I have enough going on?
Don't I have enough heartbreak and suffering?
Outside of guys not knowing wtf they want?
Or they do, but don't have the balls to just say it?!

I was starting to get my sh*t together
after my last break up (6 years ago).

It took 3 years to even try again. 
To even think about opening my heart again. 
And a part of me REGRETS IT. BIG TIME.
ANOTHER PART THINKS:
AT LEAST I WAS ABLE TO FEEL SOMETHING.
WHILE WHATEVER THAT WAS LASTED....
ENDED UP BEING NOTHING, BUT....
AT LEAST I FELT SOMETHING.
The times it felt nice, good, right.....
Even though, apparently it wasn't.....
At least I felt that.

I don't know if I can feel that again, or want to, though.
Because I don't want to get hurt yet again.
By someone else who doesn't have the balls 
to just admit they don't want me, either.

Who would rather let me think things are cool
and then go act a fool for someone else.

I keep thinking: WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?
JUST BECAUSE IT FEELS NICE TO FEEL NICE
FOR ONLY A LITTLE WHILE?
THINKING THEY ACTUALLY LIKE ME?
WHEN THEY HAVE EYES FOR SOMEONE ELSE
WHO THEY'D DROP ME FOR IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND?

...But at least I felt something, right?
Proof that I still have a heart.
That I need to protect. From now on. 
Because I can't give it to someone who doesn't want me.
Who pretends to my face and lies.
And who's with someone else.
Either the whole time or just wanted them. 
While they KNEW how I felt...

So why did I even tell him?
Why did I allow myself to go there?
Because I had HOPE? That something might come of that?
I MUST HAVE BEEN F*CKING DREAMING.
AT LEAST I WOKE UP.

Why am I still writing about this?
Or even thinking about this? It's been over for a long time.
But he could have ended things so much sooner.
But he didn't because he didn't want to feel bad.
For just telling me that he didn't feel the same way.
And that was all I needed to hear. That's all.
NONE OF THIS BULLSH*T.

Anyway, it's over and been over for a long time.
Almost a year now. 

Other things have happened in my life since then.
Other things that have been harder to "cope" with.

That I focus on other things to not get so deep into my feelings. 
About all the things that fall apart in my life....
About all the times people have really f*cking hurt me.
About everything I did to contribute to the mess things are.... Too.

Told someone today that I'm focusing on 
what I'm trying to focus on....
To try to give myself some hope for the future....
Because things can somehow get better....

It's going to take time because the last few years
have been really f*cking hard for me. 
A lot harder than they ever had to be....

But I had things to learn from all of it.
And others have their things to learn, too. 

And whether or not they ever see anything differently, 
IS NOT UP TO ME.

There are some things I CAN'T TEACH THEM.
The value of certain things.....
Even MY value. 

"Your worth never decreases based on anyone's 
inability to see it."

And sometimes it is a CHOICE not to see it.
Not just an inability.

If it was my JOB to change everyone's minds
ABOUT EVERYTHING.... I'D HAVE NOTHING LEFT
FOR MYSELF AT THE END OF EVERY DAY.

I HAVE A HARD ENOUGH TIME CHANGING MY OWN MIND.
ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS....

AND THE SURPRISES I HAVE BEEN GETTING
AREN'T THE ONES HAVING ME CRY TEARS OF JOY.

It's been shock after shock after shock....
And my friend pointed out to me that I barely recover
(if I even do) from the last one before the next one hits me
LIKE A F*CKING TRAIN.

Yeah, I'm an emotionally unstable person.
Because I've been in a state of having to try to recover
from shocking sh*t that takes me a long time to recover from.
IF I EVEN CAN RECOVER FROM IT.
I mean, I like to think I'm pretty strong.
I've taken SO MUCH SH*T IN MY LIFE
THAT I FEEL LIKE I NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD TO TAKE.....

BUT I CANNOT TAKE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD.
I JUST CANNOT F*CKING DO IT.

Like all this recent and not so recent past sh*t has taken a TOLL ON ME.
TO THE POINT THAT I AM NOT WHO I USED TO BE ANYMORE.

Yes, I've struggled with depression for most of my life....
But there were times I was actually happy for a while.

And no, it's not about getting or having everything I want.
When and how I want it.... It's just about surviving at this point.
About getting through this, somehow.
About getting through everything that's ever been shoved in my face.
Shoved down my throat. Everything I got pushed into.
Everything I didn't choose.
And the results of what I did choose.

Yes, it was nice to just feel nice for a while.
Even when I was healing from the brunt of it.
(With someone's help).
That felt pretty good, too.

But... That wasn't ever meant to be something.
It was just something nice. I was told. I was warned.
I started to feel something there.
And my life started falling apart AGAIN.....
I couldn't pretend that I was okay. Because I wasn't. I'm not.
Obviously, that just lead to more instability.
And insecurity and just I can't rely on something 'nice'
to get me through this really f*cking hard sh*t.

Maybe someone might show me some real emotion one day.
And I can't hope that they do.
I can't hope for any more maybies or anymore 'possibilities'
when it wasn't possible.
It wasn't anything except something 'nice'
every once in a while
when nothing else was going on....

I can't hope or wait for anything REAL.
I don't want to be anyone's burden.
Or anyone's problem.
Or anyone's compensation
when they can't have what they actually want....

I find myself saying this sh*t over and over and over again.
WHO TF AM I TRYING TO CONVINCE? MYSELF?!

EVEN READING SH*T I WROTE LIKE 12 YEARS AGO....
I WAS SAYING I WAS F*CKING DONE. DONE.
BECAUSE SH*T ENDED UP THE SAME F*CKING WAY.

I read something I wrote in like 2009....
I wrote that trying to date was basically torturing myself.
So why tf did I not learn? Because I still had HOPE?!

Someone told me not to give up on myself
when it comes to dating....
But it's potential partners giving up on me....
And eventually I just lose faith in 'love.'
I'm so f*cking JADED NOW.

Not really all that bitter anymore....
Just not really giving much of a f*ck.

"A***, you still gaf. Otherwise you wouldn't keep writing about it."
"Stfu stupid heart of mine... Nobody f*cking asked you."