At Least For Now

I know what happened with ****. He wanted to listen to everyone else
instead of what he wanted.
He wants to tell himself that he played me
instead of realizing he sabotaged everything
by running away and being the coward that he was.
Afraid to stand up for himself against the people manipulating him
and scared to stand up for me.
Even the idea of having something with me.
And that's what kept him on the fence when it came to me.

This tarot reader reads it straight like it is.
And I can see this in him. 
Like being peer pressured to do drugs got him hooked on heroin. 
He was pressuring me to do drugs with him.
And I should have stood my ground on that.
It wasn't heroin. I definitely wouldn't do heroin.
Even smoking pot is losing its appeal to me these days.

My memory is pretty f*cked and that's from smoking too much pot.
And I just don't need it anymore. I'm outgrowing it, I guess.

I outgrew getting drunk, too. Don't need it or want it anymore.
There were social aspects around my addictions.

He thinks he wasn't good enough for me,
but he wasn't trying to be anything to me.
He wanted to listen to everyone who kept telling him
to forget about me and just be a player.
Obviously, I don't want a player.
I don't need someone who'd insult me, hurt me, 
or try to play games with me. I'm not stupid. 
It took me so long to see what was going on
because I didn't want to see it. 

And that is true of a lot of things. Not just with him. 
But as long as he's going to listen to people
who tell him what to do, 
the longer he's goin to f*ck himself over.

He got used to playing that role
and letting them victimize him, 
and then victimizing others like they did to him. 
All because he wants to be accepted by those
who don't gaf. 
And telling him he shouldn't gaf
and acting like he doesn't gaf.

And if that's how he wants to treat people
who actually cared about him and loved him, 
he'll see that they are not going to be about that. 

And this is why nice girls finish last. 
Because they aren't supposed to wear their hearts on their sleeves.
They aren't supposed to care because it makes them "weak"
and it just ends up making them a victim of love.

It's sad because I still feel that soul bond, thing. 
And there were times I thought that he felt it, too.
But there were certain things he didn't like about me. 
Like when I stood up for myself
and when I stood up to him. 
AND when I stood up to him for others.
He hated that I could see his weaknesses
because it made him feel weak around me
and he'd rather be stronger or pretend to be stronger
than what he actually is.

He really f*cking hated that
because it deflated his ego, and it just made him more
obstinate, rude, insulting. 

And obviously, I don't want that.
Or someone who cares SO much about what everyone else thinks
and wants them to do that they end up betraying themselves
AND BLAMING IT ON ME!!!!!

HOW IS IT MY FAULT WHEN THEY LET OTHERS
RUN THEIR LIVES AND MAKE UP THEIR MINDS FOR THEM?
SO THEY CAN'T REALIZE
THAT THEY CAN MAKE UP THEIR OWN MIND?

AND DO SOMETHING OTHERS DON'T WANT THEM TO DO?
TO DO SOMETHING THEY WANT TO DO?

BUT THEY LET OTHERS TELL THEM WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR THEM.
AND THAT I'M NOT THE ONE FOR HIM.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T F*CKING KNOW ME.
BECAUSE THEY CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK!
DIDN'T GAF WHAT I THINK OR FEEL, THO
OR WHAT HE THOUGHT OR FELT, AT ONE TIME.

FEELS DIFFERENTLY NOW THAT I'M NOT WAITING AROUND
FOR HIM TO REALIZE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO FOLLOW THE CROWD.

But let him develop his capacity to realize things. 
I realized what was really going on.

As sad and stupid as it is.

Wanting to listen to his friends and follow them. 
Or family members who control him. 

And he pushed me too far away because of it.
And now we'll likely not talk ever again. 

But something keeps telling me
that if he realizes that it's okay to have a life of his own....
To do what he feels is right despite what others think or say....
Then maybe he'll find a way to come back to me and apologize. 
But I just.... I'm tired of waiting for someone to realize
that they don't have to be controled by an herd mentality.

There's a reason I never fit into his crowd. 
Because I never wanted to be like any of them. 
And they sensed that early on. 
So therefore, they never accepted me. 

And it was painful because although I loved him, 
I couldn't be with him and it took me 17 years for me to tell him
how I felt about him only for him to ruin it
by sabotaging it all
just because his friends wanted him to keep being a follower.
And not listen to me or to his heart.

And that's pretty sad. Letting people convince you
OUT of opportunities. 
Staying for people who treat them like sh*t
and leaving behind the people who actually gaf.
Who would have been down for them.
Who would have shown them things they hadn't seen before.
But they refused to see it
and just let others do the seeing for them
and make up their minds for them. 

THAT and the jealousy. Being jealous
that I want to do my own thing
and I don't have a crowd deciding for me.
I don't do stupid sh*t anymore
and I don't have to do things to fit in
because if I have to do certain things to fit in, 
I'd rather f*cking not fit in. I'd rather be alone. 
I'd rather have a few REAL friends than have FAKE friends.
Or frienemies. Frienemies will hold you back
ON PURPOSE. BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU
SUCCEED OR SUPERCEED THEM.
OR HAVE ANYTHING THEY DON'T HAVE
OR CAN'T HAVE.
AND THESE ARE THE KINDS OF PEOPLE HE'S BEEN AROUND.
AND THIS IS THE KIND OF PERSON THAT HE
LET HIMSELF BECOME.
WHEN DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I KNOW HE'S GOT ANOTHER SIDE TO HIM
THAT HE RARELY, IF EVER SHOWS TO ANYONE.
AND THAT WAS THE PART OF HIM I LOVED
AND WANTED TO BE WITH.
NOT THE GUY WHO WEARS THE MASK
BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS HIM TO BE
WHO HE REALLY IS
BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN
THAT HE WON'T LISTEN TO THEM ANYMORE....
AND THAT THEY WOULD NOT HAVE ANY POWER OVER HIM ANYMORE.

INSTEAD HE WANTED POWER OVER ME.
BUT HIS POWER LIES IN DECIDING FOR HIMSELF.
BEING HIS TRUE SELF.

NOT WHAT EVERYONE WANTED HIM TO BE.
UNDER THEIR CONTROL....

And no, I didn't want to be under his control
so I kept standing up to him
for treating me the way he did.
And he did it because he thought that he could.
He did that because I kept waiting for him to WAKE UP.

But the thing is that he wants to kiss people's @sses
who he shouldn't be kissing. 
Because he doesn't even know what he's missing. 
He wants freedom when he doesn't even know what it really is.
Being FREE of their opinions ABOUT ME.
Being FREE of their insiduous influence....
THAT IS FREEDOM.

BUT HE IS FREE TO FOLLOW THE LEADERS OF THE PACK
AND PRETEND LIKE HE'S A LONE WOLF.
AND GO LOOKING FOR SHEEP TO DEVOUR.

Yeah, I wanted love. What we could have had...
Had he wanted it bad enough to do right. By me and himself. 

Instead, the crowd is more important to him. 
Like it always was. Because that's all he's ever had. 
And that is sad. 

I'm glad that I never got caught up in that.
Yeah, I wanted to be popular, too. 
BUT AT WHAT EXPENSE?
TO LOSE MYSELF? FOR THEM?
FOR THEM TO HAVE CONTROL AND POWER OVER ME?
TO INFLUENCE EVERY CHOICE I EVER MADE?
TO TEAR ME DOWN EVERY CHANCE THEY GOT?

EVEN DEALING WITH IT FROM HIM.....
DEALING WITH HIM TREATING ME
THE WAY OTHERS WERE TREATING HIM.... 
MADE ME F*CKING SO DAMN SAD. 

I'M STILL SAD. BECAUSE THOSE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE.
BUT I HAVE TO BURY THEM DEEP, LIKE THEY USED TO BE.
BECAUSE I HAD TO GET OVER THIS AND TRY TO MANY TIMES.

BECAUSE I BEEN WORTH IT TO HIM, 
HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TREATED ME ACCORDINGLY. 

BUT HE JUST WANTS THE HOES AND BITCHES
WHO TREAT HIM LIKE SH*T.
WHO PLAY HIM FOR THE SIMP THAT HE IS.

WHO HE SACRIFICES EVERYTHING FOR.
INCLUDING HIMSELF...
And any chance he gets at anything real. 
He lets them tell him it's fake
just so they can keep being fake. 
Just so that he can, too. 

And some people never grow out of that.
Because that is all they know. 
But they blame everything and everyone else
because they don't want to admit the truth
and hate everyone who sees it and says it like it really is.

Who stands up to them
like he can't stand up to them. 
That is the price he pays to be "popular."

And this is why girls like me never end up with those guys.
Because they'd rather listen to everyone else
what everyone else has to say.
"She can gf herself."
Until she says "you can gf yourself."

And then I'm the one who broke THEIR HEART.
See how it works?

Now I'm the b*tch for not wanting that. 
For knowing what I want
and not listening to people tell me what to do. 
But all my friends are pretty much like "we told you so."

And because I finally told him to gf himself....
HIS friends are saying "we told you so."
BUT THEY were the ones telling him
that I could gf myself! Does he not see that?!

Like there's only so many times I'm going to be told
to gf myself that I'm just going to be all like:
"Fine! gf yourself, too!" And just be all like "Deuces."

Doesn't that make sense?
Like THEY TREAT HIM LIKE A DOORMAT
AND THAT IS WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ME!!!!
CAN HE NOT SEE THAT?!
THAT I DON'T F*CKING WANT THAT?!
AND HE SHOULDN'T EITHER?!

LIKE FM FOR NOT WANTING THAT!!!!
WHEN I KNOW I COULD HAVE BETTER THAN THAT!!!!
WHEN HE IS NOT THE LAST MAN ON EARTH
AND EVEN THEN.... WHY TF WOULD I WANT THAT?!?!

SURPRISE!!!! A*** actually has some self-respect.
If he isn't going to honor and respect me, 
if NOBODY in my life is going to.... 
THEN I WILL DO IT MYSELF. 
AND THEY CAN GF THEMSELVES. ALL OF THEM.
ONE AFTER THE OTHER....
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.
FOR ALL I F*CKING CARE...
AND I CARED. I CARED A LOT.
A LOT MORE THAN I SHOULD HAVE.

And he cares about the wrong f*cking things. 
THEIR opinions mean EVERYTHING TO HIM. 
EVEN HIS OWN STUPID OPINIONS
BASED ON STUPIDITY AND IMMATURITY....
ON LIES he wants to keep telling himself
and wants to believe from them. 
From that sh*tty culture he loves more than love itself. 

People want to go against society so much
when they don't realize that they are actually
in a sub-society that really is no f*cking better. 

A sub-society of opinions and no morals
and bullsh*t. Because they want to fit in with a crowd. 
Of being HARD AND HURTFUL.... 
AND HATEFUL.... 
WHEN ALL THEY ARE DOING IS HURTING THEMSELVES
AND EVERYONE AROUND THEM
WHO HAS BEEN TRYING TO HELP THEM
PULL THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR @SSES. 

But like I keep saying.... 
The longer they keep their heads up their @sses
and being an @sshole to be liked by other @ssholes.... 
ALL THEY WILL GET IS SH*T ON.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL @SSHOLES ARE GOOD FOR.
SH*TTING ON THEM. 

AND I HAD TO WALK AWAY
BECAUSE I HAVE TAKEN SO MUCH SH*T
FROM LITERALLY EVERYONE IN MY LIFE
EXCEPT A SMALL FEW.... 

FOR WHAT? BECAUSE THEY LOVED THE CULTURE
MORE THAN THEY LOVED ME?!

BECAUSE THE TOXICITY WAS SO F*CKING INGRAINED IN THEM?

BECAUSE I LET THEM GET AWAY WITH TOO MUCH?!
FOR TOO LONG?! UNTIL I STOPPED?!
UNTIL I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF?!

UNTIL I HAD ENOUGH?!

UNTIL I WAS FORCED TO RESPECT MYSELF MORE?!
THROUGH ALL THIS F*CKING PAIN AND HEARTBREAK?!

Yeah, I rant a lot lately. Because I have to put it out there. 
Been holding this IN for TOO LONG.

I'm tired of the SIMPS thinking I'm a SIMP.
That it's NOT THEM, IT'S ME.
WHEN IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THEM!!!!! NOT ME!!!!!

WTF DID I DO TO THEM OTHER THAN STAND UP TO THEM?
REFUSED TO STROKE THEIR EGO?!

SHOWED THEM THAT I HAVE POWER, TOO
THAT THEY CAN ONLY HAVE AND GET
WHEN THEY WAKE TF UP.

AND REALIZE.... Sh*t that they refused to see for YEARS.
THAT THEIR WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN THAT WAY
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE CHANGES
TO THEMSELVES THAT THEY COULD HAVE MADE
A LONG TIME AGO
WITHOUT ME HAVING TO POINT OUT ANYTHING TO THEM. 

OBVIOUSLY MY EFFORTS MEAN F*CK ALL
IF THEY STILL WON'T F*CKING LISTEN TO ME.

BUT WHY LISTEN TO SOMEONE THEY OBVIOUS DON'T RESPECT?!
AND WHY RESPECT PEOPLE
WHO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO MAKE THEM SABOTAGE THEMSELVES
JUST SO THEY TALK THEMSELVES OUT
OF HAVING ANYTHING GOOD FOR THEMSELVES.....
JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD
FOR THEMSELVES SO WHY SHOULD ANYONE ELSE????

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T BE
HAPPY FOR ANYONE. 
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO BUSY BEING MISERABLE
THAT THEY HAVE NO REASONS TO BE HAPPY
FOR THEMSELVES.... 
SO WHY BE HAPPY FOR SOMEONE ELSE?????

Do you SEE what I'm saying here?
Do people actually read and understand me?
Or am I just writing to help myself feel better?
There are only a few people who keep coming back. 
And I wonder why. 
If I'm actually making sense
or they just want to laugh at me as I lose my ever loving f*cking mind.... 

But YES, I have had my own head up my own @ss.
Refusing to see things for how they really were/are, too. 

Thinking things might get better, easier, one day.... 
HAVE THEY?!?!
Thinking that people might listen to ME one day.... 
Instead of to people who keep telling them
to tell me to gf myself.... 

THEY MAKE IT HARD ON ME AND ON THEMSELVES
BY MAKING IT HARD ON ME.

But do they realize that?
NO! Because they want to BLAME ME
FOR THEM MAKING IT HARD ON ME.
WHEN THEY NEVER F*CKING HAD TO!!!!
THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY. 
SO MUCH BETTER. BEAUTIFUL.
BETWEEN US.
DESPITE WHAT EVERYONE WAS TELLING THEM. 
ABOUT ME OR TO TELL ME....

And they listened to them
because they don't know how NOT to. 
They haven't gotten that far. Will they? It's up to them. 
To realize that they don't have to let @ssholes sh*t on them. 
They don't have to listen to the @ssholes or be an @sshole. 
And maybe the RIGHT people will like them
for who they REALLY are. 
When they AREN'T BEING AN @SSHOLE!!!

It's just frustrating AF when people don't realize things like this.
When it takes them TOO F*CKING LONG TO WAKE UP!
When EVERYTHIG I SAY GOES IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER.
BUT THEY HAVE EVERYONE ELSE IN THEIR EARS
FILLING THEIR HEADS WITH BULLSH*T.

Someone said "He chose what he's getting."
He chose to keep being sh*t on by people who he lets sh*t on him. 
And they will keep doing what they have to do
to keep sh*tting on him
because they enjoy it. 
And then he turns around and sh*ts on others. 
Eveyone he PERCEIVES is beneath him. 
Because his EGO is bigger than his BALLS AND HIS BRAIN. 

"LITTLE MAN SYNDROME."
HAS TO PROVE HE'S A BIG MAN
WHEN HE AIN'T SH*T. 

THINKING HE'S HOT SH*T ON A SILVER PLATE
WHEN HE'S A HOT MESS ON A PAPER PLATE.

And he has too much PRIDE to EVER be told that.
ESPECIALLY BY ME.
BECAUSE "I'M SO F*CKED UP
THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW F*CKED I AM."
That may well be so....
BUT WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?!
It makes him whatever tf he makes himself.
THAT'S what. I f*cking said it.

NOW on to do more productive things
than state the f*cking obvious.

Whether anyone wants to hear it or not.
dgaf about that anymore.
IF they can't hold themselves accountable, 
that is their problem. 

My job is to hold myself accountable. 
And I wasn't always doing that in my life. 
I've had to learn a lot, am still learning a lot. 
GROWING IS F*CKING PAINFUL SH*T.
THAT IS WHY MOST DON'T WANT TO DO IT.
AND THEY WANT TO STAY CHILDREN FOREVER.
AND BLAME ALL THEIR SH*T ON EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE
INSTEAD OF LOOKING IN THE F*CKING MIRROR
EVEN WHEN THEY HATE WHAT THEY SEE.

My brother told me once:
"A***, just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face."

It's true in the sense that
"just because you have a d*ck
doesn't mean you have to shove it down anyone's throat."

Anyway, that's enough for today.
At least for now.