Crashes

I feel weird. I took a mini dose of a drug. 
Earlier, it was okay. I was feeling okay.
I even picked up the guitar for the first time in a long time.
I took a walk, listened to some music. 
Was feeling decent. Which the drug is designed to do.
That is why I took it.
I could be crashing now. The crashes are not fun.

I just wanted to feel decent after a really long time
feeling really sh*tty. Super sh*tty
about how my life has been going....
How certain things have played out.
That I never saw coming. Not like this.
I never thought these things would go this way. Ever.

These shocks shook me to my core.
I'm still shaking on the inside
but I don't want to be so weak for the rest of my life
and fall to pieces every f*cking day
just because people made sh*tty choices
that I didn't make them make, 
and they want to blame me for their issues. 

And I may have been PART of the issue, 
but by NO means can they blame ALL their issues on me.
Just like I can't blame ALL my issues on other people.
Even on everyone who ever hurt me in my life.
I can't really even say they know the full extent of what they do.
Or they do know, but dgaf how anything they do
affects anyone around them. 
They only gaf when something affects them.
Not the effects they have on others.

Like I said, I have been PART of the issue.
So I have to claim my role in all of this. 
This didn't just happen in a vaccuum, though.
And others have had their PARTS, too.
Whether they want to see that or not.
Whether they care enough to see that or not.
They have, too. NOT just me.

So they can own their PARTS or refuse to.
It's easier for them to refuse to.
It's only easier in the short term.
A lot of sh*t comes back to bite me in the @ss.
As sh*tty as it is to say this, 
I kind of hope it happens to others, too.
NOT just to me. It's sh*tty to say that.

I guess I hope that it's not just something that happens to me.
Not that I want sh*t to come back and haunt people
for the rest of their lives....

Because I know what that feels like and it really sucks.

I'm just really tired. Of a lot of things not working out. 
Or going anywhere or getting anywhere.
Feeling like my life is just a constant state of "stuck."
And yes, I do hold myself back, a lot.
Maybe fear of failure.... Maybe because of all the failures
I've already experienced....
Whether it was me causing myself to fail
or others wanting me to fail....

I've had a really rough go at this.
I've had a really hard time with so much
that fortunately for others, they never had to go through.
So how would they ever understand?
Something they never had to go through?
Something they will never have to go through?
Something they will never have to face
ALONE at that.....

A lot of it is facing my fears. My biggest fears....
And myself. Aspects of myself I refused to face for a long time.
Because I couldn't. I can't bear pieces of myself. 
Others can't either. 
As much as some of the sufferings's been inflicted onto me, 
a lot of it is self-inficted.

I don't know why I'm bring this up on here....
I used to cut myself. I think that causing the wounding
was so I could heal on the outside, 
but I wasn't healing on the inside, where I really needed it.
And I still need it.

When I think about how hard a lot of stuff has been
and I think about a lot of sh*tty things that happened to me....
Throughout my life... I can see that I've been as strong as I could be.
A lot of people would have already ended it.
I don't know what is keeping me going anymore. 
My world has already crashed down around me
so many times... I've had to try to pick myself up from it.
And I've had such a struggle to do it.
And I still struggle daily to do it.

I'm only writing about it because it's the truth. About me. 
It doesn't mean I want sympathy or anything. 
I'm just writing about what it's been like.
Honestly, and as openly as I can be about it.
Of course there's still a lot that I hold back from a lot of people.
And I really can't talk about it.
I can't talk about it in counselling.
I can't talk about it on here.
I can't talk about it.

Maybe because a lot of it is buried under massive amounts of PAIN,
but that isn't the only reason. 
I get pretty personal as it is on here.

And I can't expect anyone to care or understand
or anything. 

I don't want to expect another shock, 
but I kind of feel it on the horrizon, a really momumental shock.
It feels like it's something that I may not be able to recover from.
Like every time I'm doing okay, life has a way of pulverizing me.

And I try so hard to be OKAY, but deep down I AM NOT OKAY.
BECAUSE NONE OF THIS FEELS GOOD OR OKAY.
NONE OF IT.

And it just feels like as soon as I am okay to stand up again, 
get my balance, be a little better than before....
It's like BOOOOOOOM!!!! IT HITS ME SO F*CKING HARD.
Like I almost can never have my guard down ever again.
Like I almost have to live my life bracing for impact constantly.
And that really does someone in after a while.

And this is why I try to distract myself
and try to focus on some other things.....

But it's almost like every time I have a little bit of hope....
It gets taken away from me FASTER than I know what hit me.

So it's like I get to certain points where I don't want anything.
And I can't let myself want anything. 
Because as soon as I do.... It's out of the question.

And I get a bunch of sh*t I never wanted.
Disguised as things I did want....
If that makes any sense....

And not sure why that seems to be a repreating pattern in my life.

I don't know why I'm writing about any of this.....
It's not going to change anything.
It's not going to make things any better....
Or any easier. It isn't.
So why do I feel compelled to write about it?

Maybe because maybe someone gets it?
Because someone can relate?
Because maybe some of these things
are the way other people feel, too? Idfk why.

Like it's been hard enough without things getting any harder.....
Like I can't even tell anyone the full extent of it.
This stuff is just touching the surface.
It goes so much deeper than this....
But for lots of reasons, I can't go there.

I want to pretend and act like things are okay, 
but they aren't okay. I'm not okay.
I haven't been okay for a long time.
I don't really know if I have ever been okay.
I mean, there are times that I convince myself that I am. 
I tell myself that I am, but am I?
It doesn't feel okay.

Except a few moments here and there.
When I go for a walk, pick up my guitar....

Let myself hope a little bit, but it's like I get scared to hope
because what if everything I hope for is a bust? Or worse?
What if I want something I shouldn't want?
Or shouldn't have let myself want?
Even though it should have been okay to want that?

Am I making any sense?

Sometimes I have to ask because Idk anymore.
Just because things make sense to me
doesn't mean things make sense to others.
Because I can't expect them to understand
what I'm saying or why I'm saying it.
Like sometimes I'm just right off the charts.
Because I'm either too emotional or looking at things differently.

Being too emotional isn't healthy.
I mean, having some feelings is.....
But not to the point where all emotions are off the charts.
I didn't know I have BPD. For a long time.
It probably would have helped to know that a long time ago.
And yes, obviously I have to manage it.
So that I don't keep ruining my own life.
But I think others with BPD have been affecting me.
I'm pretty sure that most in my family have it.
I can see traits of it in others in my family.

I was thinking about that earlier when I went out for a walk.

And yes, there are traits I have that I do not like.
And I have to do something about my traits.
Only I can work on myself. 
I can't expect anyone to FIX me. They can't and won't. 
That's not what I was ever after in love anyway....
Although, when I was younger, I had certain illusions. 

I realized a lot of things that I thought were not the case.
Idk why I thought what I thought.

In fact, I was shown time and time again
that it wasn't the case.
So Idk why I thought it was.