Hard To Explain

It's hard to explain how I feel. How I really feel.
If I treated others the way they treated me, 
they'd feel the same way that I feel. How could they not?
But they don't want to look at how they treated me.
Because they want to justify it.
So that they don't have to feel bad about it.

I wanted things to be fair, and right. It wasn't. 
And I get that life's not always fair. It's not.
I get that we don't always get what we want.
I still wish things would have worked out.
That all the things would have worked out.

It feels like I've had to pay for what others did to them.
Things that I didn't do to them.

And they expect me not to feel how I feel about that....
How could I not?

Someone pointed out to me, months ago
that my getting angry was because I couldn't control
the situation or the person I was angry at.

Because I didn't get what I wanted
and they weren't acting the way I wanted them to act, 
and they weren't being the way I wanted them to be.
And things weren't the way I wanted them to be.

Like "How UNFAIR that I didn't get what I wanted....
They didn't act the way I wanted them to act, 
They weren't being the way I wanted them to be.
Things weren't the way I wanted them to be."

And I know that it is part of it.
Like so disappointed that I got angry. 
Like how dare they disappoint me on purpose....

But how can I say "how unfair that they are so selfish..."
When it's selfish of me to want what I want.
To the point that I'm angry that they were the way they were
and things went the way they went?

Maybe I keep thinking that things could have
gone another way, had they been another way.
Had they chosen to be another way....
Had they chosen to act another way...
With me, towards me, for me. For us. 
To fix things. Instead of expecting me
to always be the one to fix things. 

And yeah, things could have gone another way....
Had I been another way, too.

But I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried....
And cried and cried and cried and cried. 
Because I couldn't fix it.
No matter how much I wanted to fix it, 
I can't fix something when they keep breaking it.

Keep breaking my heart, my trust, my faith. 
With distrust, disloyalty, dishonesty....

What bothers me soooooo much
is that they assume I lied to them
when I was telling the truth
just because they were lying to me....
That bothers me. So much.

I'm not putting my energy into other people too much anymore.
They can put their energy into me if they want me. 
I'm tired of giving so much and getting nothing back.
Of being there for people who aren't there for me. 
They would be there if they wanted to be there.
Which pretty much says everything.

Another thing that bothers me....
Is that people think they can just get away with f*cking with me.
Like I'm so stupid that I can't tell when they are doing it. 
Like I deserve it for some reason.
But I wasn't doing that to them. 
So why would they do it to me?

Like letting me feel like I'm finally getting through to them
or finally getting somewhere with them... Finally!
Only to throw it away for something or someone else.
Why let me feel like that?
Only to go and do that?

And yes, I try to get through to them. 
I try pretty f*cking hard to do that.
To try to get them to see some things, 
but I can't get them to see what they don't want to see!
So why do I try as hard as I try?
Because I think, somehow, that the harder I try
maybe it is possible that they will see it?

And why do I think I have ANY power
to magically make people see things?
Just because I try HARD to make them see things?
It doesn't work that way.
Either they want to see things, or they don't. 
If they don't, it doesn't matter how hard I try.
It really just doesn't f*cking matter. At all. 
So I may as well not keep trying. 

And they get tired of me trying. 
To show them things that they refuse to see.
Yet I still keep trying, 
because I think that if I keep trying, 
then EVENTUALLY they will see
what I've been trying to show them the whole time....

That I just have to try harder.
But they don't want me to try.
Because they don't want me to show them
what I was trying to show them.... 

So we both get frustrated.
Because they don't want to see something
and I still have some desire to show them
or make them see even though I can't make anyone
see something. It has to be up to them. Not me.

It's like others get to get what they want
and I don't get to get what I want.
And all I wanted was for them to see something.

Something from my POV.
Would it hurt them to see what things look like to me?
WHY I got upset in the first place?
WHAT hurt me and WHY it hurts?

But they are too busy justifying what they did, or said
or how they acted, how they treated me
to EVER see anything from my POV.

Anyway, I've done it, too.
Tried to justify some sh*t, too.
I've seen where I was doing that.
I know where that came from, too.
From others doing it to me, and getting away with it.
Like it never happened....

Because I kept taking it all my life.
And I shouldn't have had to, but I did. 
Although it wasn't okay, 
I STILL tried to get blood from stones.

I still tried to get something out of nothing. 
And ended up with nothing.

And why should I even be surprised?
That I ended up with nothing?

Just because I wanted something and didn't get it?
Because every time I want something, I don't get it?

Yet other people tend to get what it is that I wanted?
And yet they don't appreciate it?

And look at the way people have been treating me all my life....
It's not because I have an affinity for a COAT.
It's not because I'm such a horrible person....
It's not because I'm unlovable....
It's not because I'm stupid.
It's because they get away with it.
It's because I never stood up to them. 
It's because I LET THEM DO IT.

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW NOT TO LET THEM DO IT.
SO THEY KEPT DOING IT.
AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
AND THEY WERE NEVER SORRY. EVER.
BECAUSE THEY JUSTIFIED IT TO THEMSELVES.

If they were sorry, they wouldn't have done it, or said it.
And DOING SOMETHING ON PURPOSE
ISN'T A MISTAKE. IT'S A CHOICE.
THEY CHOSE TO DO THOSE THINGS TO ME.
THEY CHOSE TO TREAT ME THAT WAY.

AND ALL I COULD DO WAS LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
AND KEEP HOPING THAT THEY WOULD SEE IT
AND RECOGNIZE WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO ME.
AND STOP DOING IT TO ME.
BUT THEY DIDN'T.

Anyway, I just get TIRED of trying to explain some things. 
How I feel... Is how I feel. 
Whether anyone cares about my feelings or not.

AND THEY FEEL LIKE NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEM
OR THEIR FEELINGS.... 

I had to stop caring so much. 
ABOUT TRYING TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.
Because there wasn't and isn't anything I can get.
Just disappointments. Sorrow, pain...

It's NOT MY FAULT THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE.
That they would rather stay blind to the truth
to spare their own feelings of guilt and shame
and put all the blame onto me. 
Because it's easier to do that. For them. 
HARDER FOR ME.

I live with my own shame. Every day. 
Hard for me to just be happy. 
I can't really remember the last time I was happy. 
Truly happy. I'M F*CKING SAD. 
That my life turned out like this.... 
I have to take some of the blame, yes, 
but I can't take ALL OF IT because it's NOT ALL mine to take.

I wish I could express what it's been like....
I wish I could express what this feels like....
I wish I could just express ALL OF IT.
And not hold anything back. 
AND JUST GET IT ALL OUT....
LAY IT ALL OUT.....
FOR EVERYONE TO SEE and HEAR.
Even if they don't want to see or hear it. 
The truth is the truth. 
Whether they want to acknowledge it or not.

And NO we aren't perfect people. 
People do make mistakes. 
People do sh*t they shouldn't do. 
BUT THEY ALSO MAKE CHOICES.
Do they make sh*tty choices?
Because they got away with so much? 
So may as well keep getting away with
whatever they can get away with?

And YES we can still do our BEST
and still have things FALL APART.....
All kinds of things that we never expected....
And just... "Life's not fair"
is an understatement. 
IT'S NOT. IT'S REALLY NOT.

AND I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE GET SO ANGRY
BECAUSE THEY JUST WANTED THINGS TO BE FAIR.
AND RIGHT. BUT THEY WEREN'T.
I get that. I get it.

But going out there and hurting other people
just because we are hurting isn't the answer. 
It doesn't make things fair or right. 

And yes, it sucks that some people get to have some things easier
and better than a lot of other people
and it leaves the rest wondering what they did
that was so wrong to be treated the way they get treated....
By everyone in their life.

CAN'T CATCH A BREAK FOR TRYING.....

And this is the thing.... Maybe we chose what our experience
was going to be like before we got here....

Like this was our mission, to learn from this
and grow from that, despite everything that happened/happens to us....

It's still hard to struggle with a lot of things. It really is.
And it's hard seeing others not have to struggle so much....

As though things just land at their feet for them....
Like they were born lucky.

Anyway, I have a bunch of stuff to do.
Immagonna go do it.