I Don't Know What To Say

I don't even know what to say anymore.... 
I've been trying my best to sum it up. 
How I feel, all that's been on my mind.... 
How my son is never going to see it the way I saw it. 
Of course he feels betrayed. I get that. 
It wasn't even something I wanted to do. 

I never wanted any of that.... 

Or any of the heart break I've ever had. 
Maybe it was for the heart break I caused, 
getting it back like 10 fold and more.... 

Been really sad and heart broken. Like never before. 
Never felt the way I've been feeling. 
And obviously, I don't know how to COPE
and coping isn't going to change anything. 
And just feel so f*cking powerless to do anything. 

Like I totally f*cked up... Everything. 
Every chance I got, I f*cked it up somehow. 
And it wasn't that I even wanted to f*ck it up. 
I've wanted my son and I to be close. 
Like we were before. 
When he was young and still needed me. 
And still wanted me. 
But I kept having to go through grieving periods
where I was grieving over him
and over stupid failed relationships
and just all kinds of inner turmoil. 
Even when I quit drinking, it was a grieving period. 

And I couldn't explain that to him. 
There's a lot I never got to tell him. 
Because I knew he wasn't ready for it. 

Hard to have adult conversations with a child. 

Anyway, I'm going through this grieving thing
all over again and every time I'm going through it, 
it just seems to get harder and harder. 
And these are different circumstances
because he feels totallly betrayed by me, his own mother. 
Who he thought he could trust. 
With that explosive information
that really scared me and still does. 

Because I got really bad vibes from it
and feels like there's a lot more that he wasn't telling me. 
Like he was trying to test the waters or something. 
And there is only so much I can take. 
From my own son.... 

I never asked for that and that's what I got. 
He never asked for the sh*t he got thrown into, either. 
But no excuse for choosing what he chose. 

I'm f*cking sad. Like I don't know how else to even say it. 
And I'm exhausted thinking about it. 
And I try not to throw up when I think about it. 

It's weighing on my mind, my heart, my soul. 
All I want is my son back. How he used to be. 
Before all of this.... 

To be able to laugh together, relax together... 
Go out together, talk.... Like before. 

Before his views changed, before he changed. 
Before everything changed... 

And I was in denial for a long time. 
I still don't want to believe this. 
There's a part of me that is still in shock.... 

How could my son think this way?
How could he believe what he believes?
How could he do what he's been doing?
How could he stop caring?

How could he let the world turn him dark and cold?
He's lost and doesn't want my help to find his way. 

Not now that he doesnt trust me.
How can I trust him now?