It Doesn't Feel Good

Lots of mixed feelings going on. It's intense and doesn't feel good.

I'm really struggling with how I feel about the situation
and how I feel about my son and how I feel about myself. 
In relation to the situation. 

A big part of me really still loves my son. 
As a mother, that doesn't go away. 
I don't love how much he has changed. 
I don't love the way things have been
or the way things are now. 
Not knowing what's going on. 

Someone told me once: "Sometimes it is better that we don't know."

Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know. 
Because it doesn't feel good. I don't feel good about it. 

This has been a huge struggle for me. HUGE
Struggling with how I reacted to everything, too. 
Obviously it didn't have the outcome I wanted. 
It's not a situation I wanted, either. 
I seem to get into situations.... Where most people
just don't f*cking respect me. Dgaf. Etc. 

No matter what I do.... 
No matter how hard I try... 
Just doesn't f*cking seem to matter. I don't. To them. It SUCKS.
But I can't force anyone to CARE about anything
Or about me... 
It's been a REALLY HARD LESSON.
REALLY F*CKING HARD.

They don't see the good in me. 
EVEN IF THEY COULD, WOULD THAT MAKE THEM CARE?
WOULD THAT MEAN THAT THEY WOULD CARE?
ABOUT ME? EVEN AS A PERSON?

One of my friends said... "Well, what do you expect?"
"What can you expect?"
"They look at you according to how you are, where you are in life...."

Like if I had a better position, would that guarantee me respect?

Even from HERE, I have to pull myself UP. SO far up.....
On my own... Without help/care/understanding from anyone.... 
I seem to have to do pretty much everything on my own.... 

And that has been a really f*cking hard lesson, too. 

Even to try to be happy, alone.... 
With everything going to sh*t around me.... 
With everyone choosing what they choose over me.... 
Sacrificing what we could have had.... 
For something else or someone else
and it still didn't give them what they wanted.... 

But is my sole purpose to give everyone what they wanted?
What about me? Do I ever get what I wanted?

And I don't want a heck of a lot from life. 
Just what lots of others have that they never had to fight tooth
and f*cking nail to have.... 

It just came naturally for them.... And they don't get it. 
How hard it's been to struggle through this. 

How much easier it's been for them.... 
Not to go through all this sh*t. 

I've had to learn some really f*cking hard lessons. 
It'd be cool not to have to learn the hard way.... 
All the time, about everything..... 

That love isn't guaranteed. Just because we love someone.... 
They can choose not to love us back.... 

EVEN OUR OWN CHILD/CHILDREN..... 

And I wanted MY love to be enough for him. 
To mean something to him.... 

I wanted to be worth it to the people in my life. 
But they chose not to be in it. 

For whatever reasons they have.... 

Because they all chose to look at me
exactly the way they chose to look at me. 
ALL OF THEM.

LIKE I WAS NEVER ANYTHING TO THEM.

And F*CK YOU ALL FOR TELLING ME
THAT "THERE'S REASONS WHY
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, A***."

F*CK EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO TELL ME THAT.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M OVERLY EMOTIONAL.
I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE FEELINGS.
IF MY FEELINGS ARE TOO MUCH FOR EVERYONE....
F*CK THEM FOR THAT. I AM HUMAN. NOT A STATUE.
WOULD YOU NOT FEEL THE WAY I FEEL?
IF EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE FELL THE F*CK APART?
IF PEOPLE TREATED YOU LIKE SH*T 
JUST TO GET AWAY WITH IT?

And I let them. Then I let them act like it was no big deal. 
And I gave them so many chances to make it up to me, 
but did they? No. They chose not to. 
Because they chose not to care enough to even try to. 
And didn't think they even needed to. 

BECAUSE NOTHING THEY DO IS EVER WRONG.....
BUT IT'S ALWAYS ME WHO IS WRONG.... 

FOR FEELING ANY TYPE OF WAY ABOUT ANYTHING..... 

And should I let them all walk out of my life? Why not?
What good is it to try to convince them that I have any value?
AS A PERSON?!
WHAT GOOD IS THAT EVER GOING TO DO?
WHY EVEN TRY TO CONVINCE SOMEONE OF ANYTHING?
THEY ARE ALWAYS GOING TO MAKE THEMSELVES THE VICTIMS
LIKE I WAS THE ONE WHO VICTIMIZED THEM.... 
I WAS THE ONE WHO DID X, Y, Z.... 

WHEN OBVIOUSLY MY BEST WAS NEVER F*CKING GOOD ENOUGH
AND THEY WERE ONLY THERE
TO TAKE WHAT THEY COULD GET FROM ME.... 

UNTIL I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.... 
BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, THEY DIDN'T F*CKING WANT.

HOW CAN I GIVE SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS?

AND IT SEEMS PEOPLE DON'T VALUE THINGS
THAT THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK FOR.... 
THAT THEY JUST GET WITHOUT HAVING TO DO ANYTHING.... 

So that explains why they can't APPRECIATE anything
that comes to them easily.... 

And if it is too HARD, they just give up.... 

It's been too hard for me to convince anyone
that I have any worth... 

Like if I was making it... Doing a sh*tload of good... 
Because I could afford to put money all over the place....
People might look at me differently.... 

Like how people look at homeless people
like they are worthless... 
Like they aren't even human beings.... 
Like they don't even deserve any dignity.... 

I'm not homeless and I still get treated like that... 
Why? Because I'm not rich? 
But I still get disrespected... Disregarded.... 
Because I expect too much?
Because I want too much in life?
For those who I loved to love me back?
To show me love? To apreciate me?
Everything I ever did for them?

But can't be all like:
I fed you, clothed you, put a roof over your head... 
Did all I could do for you.... 
And yet I'm nothing to you?
Like you have to love me based on the condition
that I love you, that I did everything I could for you.... 
Even if you do all you can for someone, 
who doesn't appreciate it or appreciate you...
It still means nothing... Apparently....

Wanting someone in our lives the way we wish they were
doesn't mean that they will be in our lives
the way we wish they were.... 

Accepting certain things is really f*cking hard. 
That life isn't f*cking fair. 
That most people aren't fair. 
That sh*t that happens isn't f*cking fair.... 

For or to us, or to others.... 
They just took me for granted. 

That I was always there....
Until I felt a type of way about that.... 

And I have to let people be who and how they choose to be.
Regardless of how I feel about it. 
Because how I feel about it changes nothing. 
Because they dgaf how I feel about it.

They dgaf how I feel about anything.
Because it only matters how they feel. 

I just wish other people could see things from my perspective. 
So that they understand things from my POV
and not just their own....