Juggled

The last time I put my heart on the line....
I was being juggled with someone else.
I heard it was more than just one other person.
It crushed me. It really did.
And he seemed surprised that I reacted the way I did.
I walked out the door.
Because I told him that I wasn't doing that.
I had TOLD him and he put me in that.
Nobody wants to be juggled with other people.
Unless they truly do not gaf.
Unless they are doing it, too.
And when I'm into someone, I'm into that ONE person.
Apparently even when they make it HARD FOR ME.
TO LOVE THEM. 
Just to f*cking love them.....

But I wanted to just be loved back....
To be wanted, too.

Anyway... That's what I wanted. 
But I got hurt this time. Pretty deeply.
Still need to heal from ALL the times I got hurt
and all the things that hurt me.

It's like so many bullets are still in my body....
Been trying to live like they were never there, but they still are.

AND IF HE WASN'T F*CKING INTERESTED IN ME
ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS F*CKING SAY SO
SO THAT HE COULD GO CHASE WHATEVER HE WAS CHASING.

And something feels like he got someone knocked up.
And that had something to do with why he chose what he chose.
But that's his business.
I'd just rather have had the truth. All of it.
No matter how bad it was....
No lies. No bullsh*t. No games.
No hot & cold, on & off, up & down....
Just the truth. 
In my experience, the truth hurts, 
but it's better to know than to just keep waiting
for someone to figure out what they want.
If they even want it...

Anyway, I wrote about what happened
and how I felt about it.

And how I feel about it now....
I'd forgive him, accept an apology...
Work on trying to trust him again, 
but as for wanting what I wanted.... 
I just don't want what I wanted anymore.
I don't want to be juggled. 

I'd rather him just be happy with someone.
If that's what makes him happy...

And I'd rather trust someone I CAN trust.
Someone who will tell me THE TRUTH.
SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HURT ME.

It's not about anyone making me happy.
Just letting me be happy.

Maybe helping me get OUT of these stuck emotions.
But this is my job and this is why I'm not ready
to even try again. 

Because I don't need any CARROTS dangled in my face.
Or any breadcrumbs....
I'm not even hungry even more, let alone starving for "love."
F*CK THOSE CARROTS!!!
F*CK THOSE BREADCRUMBS!!!
F*CK GUYS WHO DO THAT!!!
F*CK THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!!

YEAH, IT STILL BOTHERS ME.

Because there are girls who guys would NEVER DO THAT TO....
AND THEN THERE'S ME....

And yeah, maybe I'm a major disappointment....
Maybe I'm not what you'd call a DREAM GIRL.
After all, dream girls don't have mental illness.... Right?
Dream girls are "PERFECT" & "FLAWLESS."
They don't demand a lot. 
And I didn't demand a lot. 
BUT F*CCCCCCK ANYONE WHO DISRESPECTS ME.
I don't have the time for that.
Nor the desire for it. Who does?

So yes, I uninvest in people who don't invest in me.
Because I have to.

I feel like I could work with someone who puts the work in. 
Who respects me. Who wants what I want.

But... I don't see it happening any time soon.
Even if it happened tomorrow, I'm not ready.
I have to heal, grow, learn... 
Change what I need to...
And figure out how to get out of the depths of these emotions....
Because it doesn't feel good. It doesn't.
I'd rather not feel like this. 
Like I'm f*cking drowning.
And it isn't the lack of "love" that makes me feel like this. 
I actually dgaf that I'm not in a relationship. 
It's not the end of the world. 
I'd rather be single and alone than have to compete
and be juggled... And just.... Just no.

Been pretty sad. Not because I'm alone, 
but because things don't tend to work out for me.
In my favor.
But maybe being alone is in my favor.... 

I probably wouldn't be good for someone who is really social. 
Because I spend most of my time alone.
And it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. 
What bothers me is lack of clarity. 
MAKE THINGS CLEAR TO ME.
CLEAR THINGS UP WITH ME.

Anyway, I have been pretty sad.
Not about that stuff, though. About other things.

Things I don't want to write about let alone think about....
Because I don't want to feel the way I feel about it.

I'm thinking about taking a trip when I get my settlement.
I think that would be good for me. To gtfo of here.
Maybe go to that place where I thought about relocating. 
Maybe to see if it would be a good place, 
to see how hard it'd be to get there....
But I have to be able to set myself up first. 
Before I even think about relocating that far away.

Not that I have a lot to stay here for, anymore.
But not that I can pick up and leave, yet, either.
As much as I probably need it. At this point.

But I really do not feel the way I used to feel
and I don't feel like myself anymore.
I can't even describe how I feel. 
I feel sad, but that's the tip of the iceberg...
I can recognize that feeling, but the other feelings... 
I can't put them into words. 
I can't describe it, either.

I don't know how to express what I can't describe.
Someone told me that I have to "name it to tame it."

Why couldn't I just... Have something?
But it wasn't supposed to be about getting everything I ever wanted.
That would be too easy.... 
Just want something and get it... Doesn't work that way.
Maybe for some people.... Not for me. 
Otherwise, I'd have gotten married, 
I'd be loved and happy. Fulfilled. Emotionally. 
And that's literally all I wanted. 
Wanted, loved. Known. Inside out. 

But.... That's what I wanted. I didn't get that. 
Am I sad about that? Sometimes. 
Sad about other things? The state of my life? Yeah. 

But whatever. I wasn't what those guys wanted. 
They chose what they wanted. I wasn't it. 
I didn't get to choose. It wasn't my choice. 
I would have chosen differently.
They wanted what they wanted. I wanted what I wanted.
Apparently, we wanted different things.

I don't have a smokin' body. 
I have mental illness.
I have flaws and scars. Emotionally and physically.
Even psychologically.... 
From pretty damaging things.

Just sitting here shaking my head.
Like I can't f*cking believe that everything went the way it did.
But it f*cking did.
Because people made their choices
and I didn't choose any of that sh*t. 
But that's what I got.

But the things I did, I chose to do that. 
Just like they chose to do the things they did.
And the things they didn't do. 
I didn't always do the right things, and I learned
what I had to learn. 
I still don't do the right things. 
But I mean well. 
But it's not enough to just mean well. 
I have to DO well. Do better than before. 
BUT FOR MYSELF THIS TIME.
And for others, too. 
BUT WHO DO I HAVE IN MY LIFE?

Anyway, I might be better off somewhere else.
Even though this place is all I know...

Seems like Capricorns get bit in the @ss a lot.
Like can't catch a f*cking break for trying...
And I'm tired of that sh*t.
F*cking tired of it.

And it's making me feel f*cking sick.
And it's draining me. HARD.

"You don't have to like it."
Well, I don't. I f*cking don't.
And they knew I wouldn't.
Claiming to be people pleasers....
Still giving me the sh*t end while others get the goods.
Keeping me waiting. Waiting to be treated right.

Been tired of it. Really tired. Of a lot of things.

Anyway, I'm just... Tired.
Not sleeping well. Or eating well.
Was running really low on food
and now that I have some, I want to make it last.

And I have to eat what I have.
I don't have much and it's not really appealing.
Been having to force myself to eat.

It's like I have to be accountable for everything, 
but it's like they never are accountable for anything.
Double standard.

Very tired.