It Hurts

I've been hungry and tired, and can't sleep tonight.
Thinking about taking another sleeping pill, 
but takes a while to get it out of my system.
Especially if it's a big dose, but it does knock me out.
It does what it's supposed to, but it's pretty potent.

Been getting quite a bit of work done, though.
I made some progress on my other blog today.
I've been trying to build it up.
I got accepted to be an affiliate for a software product.

It generates ecovers and I've bought it and used it.
I know it's a good software.
The guy who's been selling it has been doing well with it
since 2014. I don't remember when I met him or how
but I met him on facebook. 
He gave me affiliate links for 4 funnels.
The others I asked haven't responded yet.
Probably because I have no sales on the platform yet.

I haven't done any affiliate marketing before.
I wish I got into it a long time ago, but I didn't.

I need to come up with a bunch of cash
so that I can leave here.

A friend has been helping me. 
Talking me through this. 
Telling me that it's okay to be scared sh*tless, 
but not okay to be scared motionless.

I need to build myself back up.
I got so used to being torn down by everyone.
Made to feel f*cking worthless by everyone I ever loved.
Doesn't make me feel like wanting to love again. It doesn't.

Been so f*cked up over **** and other stuff....
I should be over this already.
I keep feeling bitter and jaded.
And some resentments.

I'm tired of fighting for something that should be willful.
That should come easy and naturally.

Been really f*cking sad. Like I'm being forced to let go
of everything I ever wanted....

And NOTHING turned out the way I wanted.
And it's been really f*cking hard.
Because I didn't want a lot in life.
I really didn't. At all.
Just to be loved, wanted, needed.
APPRECIATED. 
THAT'S ALL.
BUT I CAN'T BUY THAT.
IT CAN'T BE FORCED.

I CAN'T MAKE ANYONE WANT ME
OR NEED ME, OR LOVE ME,
OR APPRECIATE ME.....

OR SHOW ME THAT THEY LOVE ME.

SOMETIMES THEY DID, 
BUT IT SEEMS THEY WALK AWAY FROM ME EASILY.

It's always been hard for me to walk away
even when I should.

Because I never wanted to.
It hurts me to walk away even when it hurts me to stay.