I Don't

I made a little beat like 8 years ago. 
Brought it up and I know there's a glitch thing
right at the end of it and I don't know how to fix it or remove it. 
I want to get good at making tracks and I want to sell them. 

I keep thinking about ****. Idk why. 
I wasn't important to him. 
He didn't want to feel any loss when I walked away, 
but he forced me to walk away. 

If he hadn't been treating me like that, 
I wouldn't be upset with him. 

It wasn't supposed to be some competition
of who has the upperhand. 
It wasn't about winning. 

He wanted to make me believe that I didn't mean anything to him
because he feels safe. That he couldn't be used. 
But it made me feel used. 
And he was being used by others, not by me. 

He wants to stay a victim to peer pressure
and listen to @ssholes, and respect them. 

Not to anyone who wasn't doing anything to him. 

They wanted to be loved by people who couldn't and wouldn't love them. 
They wanted to be loyal and loving to people who
were/are not loyal and loving to them. 

He wasn't attracted to me because I was loyal and loving to him. 
He wanted someone who wasn't/isn't loyal to him. 

Because he thinks love has to hurt. 
When I get hurt too much I back off. 
I don't need that and I know it's not love. 

I still try to make it work, though. 
Because I have hope that things could change, 
but when they don't and won't, why should I stay?

Just to have everything held over me?
Held above my head? Out of reach?
Because they can?
I don't f*cking want that. 
Either give to me willingly, like I do, 
or just f*cking forget about it. 

And don't be so surprised when I stand up for myself. 

Because deep down he knows I don't f*cking deserve that. 
I didn't do anything to him. 

But he wants to keep trying to prove his worth to people
who have and keep making him feel worthless. 

I know what that is like. I kept trying to prove my worth to him. 
To a bunch of people who kept making me feel worthless. 
EVEN MY OWN FAMILY.... 

Until I stopped trying. Because I don't have to try anymore. 
They weren't. They weren't treating me with an OUNCE of respect. 
And why should I have to continuously TRY to prove my worth
to get their respect?
Is their respect worth feeling worthless constantly?
Worth NOTHING to them?

I wish I could just stop thinking about EVERYONE
WHO EVER TRIED MAKING ME FEEL F*CKING WORTHLESS. 

I will NOT BEG to be in anyone's life. 
To be loved by ANYONE. 

AND IT SUCKS THAT PEOPLE I LOVED, DIDN'T LOVE ME.
OR THEY COULDN'T OR WOULDN'T SHOW IT.

If they keep running from love, they won't ever find it. 
And they won't let it find them. 

But my loyalty to him kept me stuck
trying and trying and trying. To be "enough"for him. 
But I wasn't. Not good enough, cool enough, worthy enough. Etc.
Pretty enough, attractive enough... Just never "enough."
Always wanted better. Told me he could and would do better than me. 
Let him try to. Let him try to find loyalty somewhere else.

Like he wants someone who will accept less than me. 
Someone he can use and abuse. 
Fool, manipulate, breadcrumb, string along. 
Who he can build a house of cards with. 
Who will still want to give their everything
and get very little to nothing in return. 
Just be there to stroke his EGO.

But he wants to blame his heartbreak on me. 
Instead of blaming himself for REFUSING to be loyal and honest. 
I get he was trying to protect his heart, 
but I wasn't in it to rip him a new one.
I wasn't about to sit on top of him. 
It wasn't about control. 
It wasn't to have power over him. 
It was about making him see that others
wanted to have power of them. 
And he was letting them have it. 
But didn't want me to have it and they didn't want me to have it, 
BUT I didn't want to have it. It wasn't about that. 
And he couldn't see that. 

But it doesn't matter now
because I can't let him have that power over me. 

And I realized that my love for him wouldn't make him see that.
Didn't mean anything to him. 
And I should have walked away a long time ago. 
But I knew this was what was happening to him. 
But I wasn't going to allow him to keep doing it to me. 
Because I don't deserve that.