Drained Today

Really tired tonight. Had a friend over for dinner.
Don't usually do that. He had me over for dinner a bunch of times. 
Had a roast I needed to cook. Cooked it in the slow cooker
with tomatoes, carrots, onions.
Let it cook for like 4 hours. Turned out well. 

He brought a salad and some juice. 

Anyway, I get really tired after hanging out with him. 
Like he drains my energy. Hard to explain. 

We don't hang out as often anymore.
So it's been a while since we saw each other.

Lately, I'm not sure who I want to have in my life. 
Obviously people who aren't going to judge me
and people who aren't going to try to make me into anything I'm not.
For as long as I've known him, 
he's been persistent with sharing his beliefs with me. 
And wanting me to believe what he believes. 
Without just letting me believe what I believe. 

Also, I've been trying to recover from some painful things. 
Failed relationships... Mostly. 
And yes, a lot of it was because of me. 
Because of my reactions to them, but also their attitudes, actions towards me. 
Stuck between calling sh*t out for the sh*t that it is
and letting people get away with the sh*t they've gotten away with
for far too long... 

I can fail with even the best of intentions....
I HAVE. SO MANY TIMES.

And maybe I've got to just go away for a while. 
I don't know where or for how long....
Or how I'm going to get there....
Or how things will be when I get there....
Wherever it is.... 

But I know I have to do something and go somewhere. 
I'm not prepared for this. I'm really not. 
I didn't think I'd have to

And leaving is just as scary as staying.

Been thinking about how to best invest the money I'll be getting. 
I have to sign the forms soon. They sent them via email. 
I sign them, send them to the lawyers. 
The lawyers send them to the insurance company. 
Then the insurance company cuts me a cheque for 10k.
Then I gotta pay the lawyer fees. 3k.
The rest is mine. I want to do something with it
that will keep paying me. 
I don't want to waste it on things I don't need. 

I don't get the opportunity to have a lump sum often. 
I've spent most of my life under the poverty line. 

I've started looking up stocks and stuff like that... 
Some pay monthly dividends, but the more you invest, 
the bigger the dividend, obviously.... 

I won't have the full 7k to invest
because I have some debts to pay off. 

I want to invest it in a certain way that I get a ROI
and then invest the ROI, and increase my ROI. 
But I want to do it in a way that I can make the money work for me. 
To have money come from it. 
And not just spend it on stuff. 

It's not like I need very much of anything. 

But I want it to have an interest or whatever. 
The high interest savings accounts don't really pay all that much. 
Even on 5k, the interest wouldn't be a lot. 
Doubt it's even 7%.
Which is $350. On 5k....

Sure an extra $350 when I only have less than $35 to my name is nice....
But for 5k? Should be a bit higher than 7%.
And that's what the dividends would be on those stocks. 
Like 7% or something like that....
The same as having it in a "high interest" savings account.

And the banks.... The interest rate is like less than 2%.

Ideally, I'd like to double my money, 
then double it again, and keep doing it. 

I won't have this chance again for a long time. 

Someone suggested that I get into crypto currency. 
He says he trades bitcoin and he makes about 25% in less than 30 days. 
25% of 5k is 1,250. 

I don't want to invest it in stocks and lose it all. 
I need a guaranteed ROI. A decent ROI.
Something I can rinse and repeat. Repeatedly.

Anyway, something I've been thinking about.
Between bouts of grieving really hard.
Just so many shocks and heartbreaks....
And just little recovery.
Before something hits me hard.... Again.
I can't take it anymore.

Someone said they called the suicide hotline
and they sent the cops to her door to cuff her and take her to the hospital...
Didn't know they did that.
Hospitals don't help. I learned that the hard way.
A few times.

All it is... Is a "safe place" with food.
But no counselling. No real help.

Definitely tired and drained today.