A Big Distraction

Been anxious all day today. 
Been trying to get my mind off stuff
by f*cking around with powerpoint. 
Trying to get some things set up...
Not been happy with my designs. 
Then started over again, 
and didn't like that, either.
Trying to be original, but... 
I want it to look good and be decent.

It's supposed to be a lead magnet thing. 
To build an email list.

Anyway, sometimes it seems like a waste of time. 
All of this. Like a big distraction 
from the things that are still really bothering me.

Still thinking about **** and I don't know why.
He lied to me so many times.
Just played so many games, just to keep me confused.
While chasing whatever he was chasing...
"The dragon" mostly.

While I kept chasing him. Some stupid dream I had.
A long f*cking time ago...
Even back then, I didn't feel good enough.
I didn't "fit in" with his crowd.
So why would he want to be with someone like me?
Back then, I knew that.
So why did I think anything could change? Or would?

Something came up the other day...
"When you realize that you can only have control over your mind,
not external circumstances, you will find strength."

Been losing my mind, a bit every day.
To think anything could have changed with ****,
To think that he would ever know me...
Or even want to know me...
Or for anything to work out between us....
WTF WAS I THINKING?! WHAT?!

Idk why I keep thinking about him.

Been really f*cking sad
about how some things have turned out so far.
Missing certain specific people.

And all those things.... They just... Stopped interesting me.
Like when I used to try to flirt with someone...
It felt nice and stuff, but I just don't feel it anymore.
And Idk why. And trying to figure out WHY I wanted what I did.
To feel nice? For a little while?
To feel like I belong?
To feel wanted? Appreciated? Idfk.

Why did I want to be loved so much?
That I chased it? That I kept trying for it so hard?
Why did I want it that much?

It doesn't work with anyone.
Not just because of my mental illness, 
but they want to blame me and blame that
for why they don't make it work?
For why they treat me a certain way
and treat others with more respect? Idfk anymore.
About "love" and why I wanted it....
Why I felt like I needed it.
Just because I wanted to FEEL again....
Something nice. Other than this.

I told a friend that I was done dating.
He told me that I shouldn't give up on myself.
That I'll find someone one day
and that my life will be completely different
than it is today. That I'll be happy with someone....
If I'm f*cked up by myself, 
I'll likely be f*cked up with someone.
Only difference would be that I wouldn't be alone.

Just was weird that when **** told me he chose someone....
And he posted a picture of them together, 
THEN tried to talk to me....
The last time we spoke....

But when he had told me....
He was trying to make me jealous, 
but it disgusted me and I just let him go be with her
and I started my biz and started leaning towards that,
and I was moving on. C***** was helping me move past that.

So I had accepted that he chose someone else...
And I stopped thinking about him so much...
Then when I thought about him after a long time
of not thinking about him, I heard from him.
So it makes me wonder if I'll hear from him again.
But definitely NOT chasing anyone anymore. 
I don't need to beg to be in anyone's life.
Why should I? They either want me in it, or they don't.

I couldn't tell, from one day to the next, 
how he was going to act towards me.
If he felt like being nice, he would be....
If he didn't, he wouldn't be. 
And he was busy "pleasing" everyone else.
Didn't matter what I thought or felt.
It mattered what everyone else thought and felt.
Especially about him. 

But anyway.... I don't know why it keeps crossing my mind
because I feel very differently than I did a year ago.
Maybe because I still feel very hurt.
And finally gave up on "love."
*Making a SCOFF sound*

The other day, I was at the mall with a friend.
He was over there and asked me to meet him there.
And he felt the need to get me some food.
Which is nice of him and something he does sometimes.
I never ask him to, he just wants to help me out.

Anyway, I saw a stranger and just... Idk wtf happened.
I got mad at myself when I got home, though.
So tf what? Some guy caught my eye. Big deal.
It's not like I wanted to go home with him
or take him home. Didn't even say hi to him.
And I was with my friend and he may have thought
that I was "with" my friend.
But I'm not doing it and don't want to go there.
So why did I have a slight stir there? wtf was that about?

I guess if something happened, it does, 
but I'm definitely not wanting it like I used to.
I've been stuck in feelings that I can't get out of feeling.
Because it's hard and heavy 
and I've never gone through anything like this before.
It's heavy, it's ugly, it hurts, it's... It is what it is.

Like why did I want to have something nice?
Because I thought that I could? That I am good enough?

Self-esteem is something I've struggled with for my whole life
and YES there have been MANY times
that I've felt insecure about myself and about my body....
And thinking that I'm just always going to be awkweird A***.
Just nothing other than awkweird A***.
And just nobody would want me.

And just feeling insignificant and just unwanted.
In pretty much all facets of my life....
It doesn't feel good. Being rejected.
By my own son, too.
By everyone who has taken me for granted....

Been all over the place emotionally.
Wanting to just be accepted, 
but at the same time being an extremely FLAWED person.
Scarred and maimed, and just f*cking emotionally tortured....
To the point that a big part of me just wants to f*cking die already....
So people can just continue to live their lives like I don't f*cking exist.
Most people. Or I only exist so that they can feel good about themselves
and good about being in a better position than me
or whatever their thing is.
That they matter and I only matter when they let me matter.
Or whatever their thing is....

Someone reached out to me today....
Said he hadn't heard from me in a year. Which was true.
Been keeping to myself more and more the last few months especially.
Waiting. For what? Idfk.
To hear from people FIRST? For a change?
Not just when they want something from me?
Just to have a conversation.... 
For them to gaf? Idfk what I've been waiting for. 
But usually, I tend to wait for nothing.
So idfk know why I'm waiting. 

Definitely not waiting for "love" to find me
or for a real apology from ****.
Or from anyone else who's treated me like sh*t. 
Because they knew what they were doing
and they aren't f*cking sorry.
So no point waiting for apologies I'll never f*cking get.
Would it be nice if I got sincere apologies? Yeah. 
But I am not going to hold my breath for them. 
I apologized for a lot of my sh*t. Not all of it, but a lot of it.
Am I sorry for it? Yeah. I am. 
Will I be forgiven for all of it? Probably not.
Probably not even a portion of it.

I feel like I should just embrace being single.
I was okay with it for a while. 
So Idk what changed. 
Like every few years I digress and regress
back into some version of myself
that used to want that so much.... 
Just those simple things that I sometimes miss.

But f*ck it if I ever let myself want it as much as I once did.
That's when I know that I shouldn't go there.
I feel really bad when I let myself go there with someone
and I KNOW there's attraction, chemistry, all of that, 
but I also KNOW there are reasons why
it's most likely not going to work out... 
AND that I'm totally f*cked.... 
So I'm actually not going to be good for them....
I feel bad for going there with them. 
Especially when they want it to go further
but I can't take it further. Even if I wanted to. 
It makes me feel like sh*t. Like I was leading them on. 
Because I let myself go there. With them. And I liked it. 

Then I had to tell them, that I'm too f*cked in the head....
Especially lately, to give them the attention they deserve from me.
And they start thinking that I never gaf about them. 
That I was only in it for the flirting or the fun or whatever.
When I wasn't. I genuinely had an interest in them. 
I just... My head is f*cked. 
Because facets of my life are f*cked.
And I am f*cked due to that, and due to just being the way I am. 

I know that if I'm not READY, I shouldn't go there. 
Not even for a little "fun" here and there.
Because it's not about that for me. 
I genuinely start having feelings that I probably shouldn't. 
Because it's just "fun" to them. 
Because how can I expect it to be anything more? I can't.
Even if I want it to be, doesn't make it so.
I wanted a lot of just normal things in life. 
I didn't get those things. 
Makes me not want very f*cking much anymore. 
When I felt like I never really asked for very much to begin with.

But obviously there are things I can't force. Or make happen. 
I can't make people want to change. 
Want to change themselves or how they treat me.
Or even how they look at me. I can't. 
Not even if I changed myself, even drastically. 
Because who would believe that I've changed?
Who would want to see if I have and how?

They just have memories of how I used to be.
When I was a drunk.
All my insecurities showing through
that I tried to drown out with alcohol. Didn't work. 

But wouldn't anyone feel insecure
if they were constantly treated like they were insignificant?
Like they only matter when others let them matter?

It's hard to explain. 

Like when my friend hangs out with a certain female friend of his....
He takes pictures of her and tags her on fb.
Has no problem admitting that they are friends. 
For everyone to see.
But when it comes to me, I'm like a secret friend.
And it bothers me. 
Like he doesn't want to admit that we're friends.
And he's like one of my closest friends....

And I'm not jealous of her. At all. 
But I notice that he does that with her and not with me.

It's like I feel that most people just.... 
Doesn't matter that they know me or whatever. Idk.

I'm only mentioning it because I DISLIKE BEING A SECRET FRIEND.
Or a secret "lover" or a secret whatever.... 

Like people don't want to admit being friends with me
or being my "lover" or being anything to me.

So why do I think it'd ever be possible
to PUBLICALLY be someone's wife one day?
Or PUBLICALLY be dating someone?
For them to WANT to be seen with me?

Like "I can't show her off" because people would be wondering
why I have anything to do with her at all....

Anyway, it sounds like I'm jelous, but like I said before.... 
It's more being kept a secret that bothers tf out of me.
Like I'm some bad habit nobody wants to admit they have....

It bothers me that a lot of people treat me that way. 
Including one of my very good friends.... 
One of the very few people I trust....

That feeling, once you feel it, doesn't seem to go away.
Like what did I do that was so bad
that I deserve this designation?

I'd rather stay alone and be alone
if I'm just going to have to be forced to be alone.
If I'm some secret that people would rather just keep.

And maybe it makes me feel bad
and others feel a certain way around me. 
And they'd rather show off people they can show off.

I never needed a lot of attention or anything. 
I just kinda wanted my friends to be like:
"Yeah, A***'s my friend and I don't care who knows it."

Anyway, back to doing some pointless presentation stuff.
Or something. Idfk what to do with myself anymore.