The Capacity

Still pretty sad about everything.
I don't know how to fix things
and I don't think that I can, now.

I still feel like that.
Seeing how a lot of things
are beyond my control.

Is that what is making me sad?
Or that things are the way they are, 
because of me....?
Or that things can't be fixed?

I get that mixed feeling of 
wanting to start over, 
but then I miss the people I miss, 
who do not miss me....

I get sad often and don't know how
to snap out of it.
I did what I did.
I cannot undo what I did.
Others can't say they didn't say what they said.
They still do, but they said what they said.

And I didn't have to react to it, but I did.

There were some insights I came to
through some tarot readings.

Like how some people would rather be heartless
than admit they care or be vulnerable with me.

They'd rather go for someone who is hard to get
because they think that they'd rather be a wolf
and find another wolf
than bring home a sheep.

It's like I was supposed to be there, 
with my heart on my sleeve
even though they don't respect me
for having my heart on my sleeve.

While they still get to have a heart of stone.
But they didn't want me to just go and give up.

I was supposed to be okay with the disrespect
while they go with the pack and leave me out of it.
Because sheep don't run with wolves.

It's hard to explain all of this.

I'd share the video, it makes a lot of sense.

They get mad at me for being strong.
Like they see my vulnerability
as a weakness that they don't respect.
Because wolves don't respect sheep or rabbits....

But these wolves pretend that they are wolves.
They want to be wolves, to try to protect themselves.

Because they can't respect themselves
or get the respect from others
if they aren't being a wolf.

But they can't see that there are reasons
why I don't want to be a wolf.
Or be a part of a pack of wolves.

But maybe the ones trying to be
and thinking that they have to be a wolf, 
aren't really wolves.

And maybe there are things stronger than wolves.
And maybe the people who think they have to be a wolf
needs time away from the wolves
to find out who they really are....

And maybe I'm not exactly the way they think I am.
I mean, yeah, I have feelings.
And yeah, I can tell someone how I feel....

But to actually know and understand me, 
maybe they need to get to know me
so that they can understand me. 

I'm not exactly a complex person, 
I'm just saying that I'm not the kind of person
a lot of people think I am.

When people are not sure about me....
It's because they don't know me.
And that's because they aren't trying to get to know me....

They just either have their minds made up about me
without getting to know me....
Because I'll show them a softer side of me....
A human side of me....

And in their mind, they have to be hard to be solid.
Not always. There are things to see and to know
about everyone. Things that often we don't show them.

I want to be able to trust, too. 
But how can I trust someone who keeps lying
to me and to themselves?

Makes it harder to trust someone
who doesn't want to trust us....

And they don't want to trust that what we told them was true...
Especially when they put up a front....

All the while I knew he was putting up a front.
Because I know he has another side.
Similar to the side I was showing him.....

But since he can't respect that.....
He can't respect himself for having that side to him
in the first place.
And can't respect that I have that side to myself.....
Because he was taught that he shouldn't have a soft heart
or have a heart at all.

They look down on that part of themselves
and look down on me for having that part, too.

I wanted to show love, have love to give, feel loved, too.
So that is when I access that part and show that it exists, 
but I get disrespected for that.

Because to get respect, I have to act like I don't care.
It's that I do. So why should I act like I don't?
But some people think that the high value people
are the wolves, even the alpha wolves.

That eat sheep for breakfast....
So they would rather sacrifice me
than show me that they actually care about me....

But they have insecurities.
That tell them NOT to be vulnerable,
to be hard, and uncaring, etc.
To be a wolf. 

When they could see that they don't need to be that way.
Because that's not actually who they are.

They'd rather go after a wolf
because getting a wolf is hard 
and getting a wolf means that they succeeded.

And I'm not exactly a "trophy" to show off.
And they care more about what others say about them
than going after what they actually wanted...

But they can't forgive me for walking away.
Like I was supposed to be there for them, 
with my heart on my sleeve....
Just always there, waiting, for the rest of my life
while they want to be with other wolves....

But being a rock in their path... That f*cked up their lawnmower....
And they'd rather look up to wolves....
While they feel insecure
because they are not like that, deep down inside....
And that is why they loath themselves for not being 
the way they see others are "supposed" to be....

And they just "used" me as "supply."
I was showing them who I really am.
They thought I was stupid and weak, 
I wasn't showing them my strength.
And they get mad at me
for not showing them that strength.....
Until the very end....

Because, to them, I was supposed to be
some sheep, rabbit, whatever....
I wasn't supposed to be strong. 

My strength only lies in being who I am
without pretending to be a wolf. 
But they still want a wolf. 

But I'm not. I don't have to be a wolf. 
And like I said, I don't want to be. 
That's not what strength is, to me.
Strength is being exactly who I am. 

Even if I show my insecurities. 
Even if I let myself seem vulnerable, at times.
And telling someone exactly how I feel
is my strength... Even if seems like a weakness.

Can everyone tell everyone how they feel? For real?
No, they can't. So why should I feel weak for that?
Why should I want to be a wolf to seem strong?
Don't wolves turn on each other?
So why should I want to be that way?

But they would rather be what and who
everyone else wanted them to be.
Not who they really are....
Because the other wolves
would do to him what they did to me....

But I'm strong enough to just look the other way.
Because I know that I don't have to be
whatever others think I should be
and I don't have to want to be like them.
Because I know that I'm not.
And I can be happy that I don't have to be that.
And happy that I know that I don't. 
I can just be myself. 
Whether others talk down about me
and look down on me....
And that is my strength. 
Knowing that I don't have to let that change me. 
To turn me to stone. 

A few times, I was tempted to just shut that part of me down
forever. Because there aren't many 
who would reflect that back to me....
And show me that part of them. 
And when I show it, it is deemed a weakness.
And nobody wants the weak, vulnerable girl. 
They want to win the "trophy."

Even though it hurts to lose....
When they play that game.

Instead of respecting someone
who is showing them exactly who they are.
No guessing, no waiting, no bullsh*t.

And for whatever reason, I still feel some faded connection
that won't work out for me
unless they put their f*cking masks down
and stop pretending to be something they aren't....
Stop running away and acting like they don't care.

Because I can see what they aren't showing me
and what they refuse to show me.
Because I could see it from when we were both really young....
And they hate that I can see it.
Because they don't and didn't want me to.

And that just adds to why they don't want me. 
Like I'm going to blow their cover....
Like everyone is going to see who they really are
through me. Like I was going to humiliate them
by showing everyone that he's actually human.
Not some savage, wild animal....

But whatever. I'm a human being. 
Even though I feel less and less and less like one.....
Even though it would feel nice to feel human again. 
Allowed to make mistakes, etc.

But I was allowing others to make mistakes, 
because they are human, too, 
but it was like seen as a weakness to allow others
to make mistakes.
Even though mistakes are mistakes.
Nobody is perfect.
Like a mistake to let others make mistakes.
Because they'd keep making the same mistakes
over and over and over again.
Like a lot of people do, 
when they aren't learning from those mistakes.

But there are dfferent ways of learning. 
Through reflection, through others, through experience.... Etc.
Thinking about some things.....
Until we reach a conclusion.....
Talking about things with someone
who sees things differently.....

And if they ignore the fact that they want the "love"
they can avoid the pain of not getting it
by not trying to get it.

And I understand that. 
I give up on "love" from time to time....
Because I just... Had enough pain.
From rejection and denial
and all of that....

Someone told me that it is the approach that matters.....
And the only way I know how to approach a person
who acts like they don't care
is to try to show them that it's okay to show that they do
by showing them that I do, 
until they keep showing me that they don't....
That they'd throw me to the wolves and join in....

Then I have no other choice but to show them
that there's something even harder than a wolf. 
That wolves can still hurt, too.

Nothing is completely indestructable.
And those that think they are can go f*ck themselves. 

If they don't need me, they don't need me.
Showing exactly how I feel, what I want, what I need etc
isn't a weakness. I don't have to be ice cold.
Because even ice can break....
So why be ice cold when even ice can break
if the point is to be hard and unbreakable?

I have been an ICE Queen a bunch of times. 
"Oh, you don't care? I can play that game, too."
Only to realize that I'd rather not play games. 
I'd rather just see eye to eye. 
Not go eye for an eye.
Because that's not who I really am. 
Nor is it who I want to pretend to be.

I'd rather just be "This is who I am."
If you don't want it, don't need me....
JUST F*CKING HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME.
INSTEAD OF LEADING ME ON AND ON AND ON
LIKE THERE'S SOME HOPE
WHEN THERE ACTUALLY IS NONE.
BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF CRUELTY
AND I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED ANY DISRESPECT.

I always thought that when you show someone:
"This is who I am."
That there would be some sort of respect
for at least being able to do that....

But that's not always the case. 
Maybe guys like to keep guessing
when I just would rather KNOW.
SO AT LEAST I KNOW.

And when I think or believe
that "It's simply not so..." That's on me
For thinking that or believing that....
That it's just not the case
if I'm the one choosing to look the other way
or the one choosing to see past it
because I feel something else.
Or see glimpses of something else....
And that is the confusing part.

Because when someone tries to show us
some front, false side of themselves
and we refuse to believe it....
That's actually on us. 
Because we are the ones refusing to look at it
and refusing to believe it.
Even though deep down we know
it's only a front and a mask they wear
to try to fit in with the society they were told
that they have to fit into.
When maybe they actually weren't meant to be there....
Maybe there are parts of themselves
that they ignored and hated all this time....
Parts of themselves that are very real
and were hated for so long
that those parts started hating them right back....

And I know this because of how I felt about myself
when I used to do heavy drugs. 
I hated myself for being the person
who was doing that to myself. 

Because deep down I knew that wasn't me. 
Which is why I know I don't need to go there.
And I don't need to be around people
who feel the need to go there
and think that I should feel the need to do it, too. 
Just because they do and that need 
is supposed to represent something
that they haven't figured out, yet.

But if they looked deeper into themselves
they would know what that need actually is. 
Wanting to fit in somewhere
where you don't actually belong....
But not feeling like you belong where you actually belong....

Like feeling the need to be cool, 
but acting like a fool to be 'cool'
when being cool has nothing to do with acting like a fool. 
Because in the end, you're just fooling yourself. 
And then you're fighting the feelings
of fighing yourself... Your true self. 
Which just feels like you're at war with yourself. 

I know how this feels. 
Even the thoughts of suicide I have
are parts of that war.
Of loathing myself. 
Of not wanting to fight myself
and fight the world
that seems to be fighting me....

I know how this feels. 
And I'm trying to put it into words
so that maybe someone will understand, one day.

Like all these fake people with fake personas, 
trying to fit into a fake world, but they don't
because the parts of themselves that are very human
and very real won't allow them to, 
but when they speak up about it, 
they are shunned like they aren't supposed to
call out the fakers for being fakers
and wanting to fit into something so f*cking unreal
that they lose themselves trying to....

It's just a truth that they would rather not hear
and they can't handle it, either. 

Because admitting that they've been
trying to be something they actually aren't
for all this time
means that they weren't "keeping it real"
Or "being real"
Because all they ever cared about was being fake
in a fake life.

And that would mean that the biggest lies
that they ever told themselves (and believed)
were just lies and they need to discover the truth, 
and that I was telling them the truth
about themselves
and that they hated me for doing that
when at least someone told them that....
Of all the people.... I was the one
who kept trying to tell them that
over and over and over and over again
And THEY refused to listen to ME.

All because they had no respect for me.
For not wanting to be a part of that anymore.
For seeing that there's more to life than that sh*t.
And that I'm allowed to see that, know that, 
and want that for myself and for them....

Whether or not they 'respect' me.
Even if I kept trying to tell them.

It's up to them to see who they really are, 
and know who they really are.
And distinguish between who they really are
and who they thought they were, 
and who others want them to be, 
and how they think they 'should' be.

Because there's more to that and more THAN that.
And they just look at me like I'm crazy.
For not wanting to be a part of that....

They think that to be with them, 
that I have to want what they want,
what others around them want.... 
Things to hide behind, things to keep me
in a suspended, altered, state.

No, I don't want to be drunk anymore. 
I don't want to get or be high constantly, either....
It used to be "fun" because others made it seem that it was....
But it cost me too much. 
I wasn't developing as a person. 
And I'm still slow to develop as a person. 

So I don't need that. In the guise of "having fun."
That's what they always wanted you to believe.
When it doesn't feel good to me.
It's not who I am anymore.

Sure, I used to be a fall-down-drunk....
I used to do heavy drugs.... But I realized
that I don't need that
to fill some empty void within myself. 
Those voids are actually wounds
that only deepen over time
if they are not addressed.

Like we can push ourselves until we "snap"
and then blame everyone else for pushing us....
When they might have pushed us, 
but we kept pushing ourselves
with the lies we told ourselves.....
Or thoughts and beliefs about ourselves
that only we can debunk and outgrow etc....

Instead of having temper tantrums constantly....
Instead of directing the anger we feel for ourselves
towards other people and projecting it onto them....
When we don't actually have to do that.

A lot of what we do..... We do it
without realizing that we don't have to do it. 
And that is what bothers me the most
about how a lot of people have treated me in the past
Like I'm stupid and know nothing
and that they know so much more than me, 
and know better than me etc....
Because they don't have to do that, 
but they don't realize that they don't.

I don't have to do it to others, either. 
Even if I realize something that it SEEMS
that they haven't realized....
Like the fact that they don't have to treat me
the way they seem to keep wanting to treat me....

But I have to realize that it's not always up to me
to get them to realize that
and that I can't make anyone realize anything. 
And that they may not have the capacity
to realize certain things.
And unless they develop their capacity to realize things, 
they just aren't going to realize very much....
On their own OR with anyone's help.