I Can Only Explain It As.....

 There are a few things related to what I'm going through
that keep coming up in my mind....

1) Someone told me that they could see themselves
getting so angry at someone that they could kill them.
But then told me that they'd feel bad AFTER they did it....
AND that it would be THEIR fault for p*ssing them off.

So let's pull this apart a bit....
Anger is a feeling.
So angry AT (at someone is a projection)
So projecting a feeling AT someone.
Killing them is a choice
based on how THEY feel TOWARDS them...
Feeling bad about it AFTER the fact
means knowing it is WRONG.
And feeling guilty about doing something
that they know is WRONG
but not bad about it in the sense 
that "That person is dead." Like sad for them.
Just knowing they shouldn't have done it, 
but doing it anyway
AND blaming someone else
instead of taking responsibility for his own feelings
that he based and justified murder on....

2) Was watching a documentary about prisons.
Specifically death row...

A guy was on death row, in the video I watched.
For killing a woman and her young daughter.
In cold blood. Not because they'd done anything to him, 
but because he didn't want to leave witnesses
to some other crime he commited....

And in the video he was saying how
he found out when the birthdays were
of his victims and thought about them
even more on their birthdays
than he did on other days.

Like "Another birthday they'll miss because they're dead."
Not "because I killed them."
Because in his twisted mind, he couldn't think:
"I don't have to kill them and I shouldn't, so I won't."
He just did it anyway.....

And 3) A teenager killed his 4 year old sister
and was sitting in jail talking about
all the things HE never got to do.
Without realizing that there were a lot of things
that his SISTER will never get to do....

And the whole time, HIS mother
still stuck by him, while he was in jail, 
even though HER child killed HER other child. 
That is something that is hard to wrap your mind around.

How deep a mother can love her children
that when one child killed another child, 
she still stuck by him while grieving her other child....

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I can't tell you how it relates to what I'm going through.
Or what specifically, I'm going through.
I spoke about it enough....

But these things have been on my mind lately.
I don't know why.

It's just hard to wrap my mind around
how some people think
because it's hard to understand
and apparently hard for them to understand
that things never had to be that way....

And things could have been very different
had they not been that way....
That they could see that things could be different
IF they could see that things could be different....

And that actually applies to a lot more than just these things
or just a few things. It applies to all things...

That there are other ways of looking at things
than the ways that they look at things.

Even iif they refuse to look at things 
from someone else's POV....

So that is what the counselling is for....

And a lot of people who really need counselling
won't admit they need it
and they won't seek it....

Because they don't think
that there is anything wrong with how they think....

Anyway, It's one of those days today....
Tired, and still needing strength
to fight the good fight and to fight myself. 
And to stand up for what I believe in....
No matter how hard it is....
And it seemed to have cost me a lot, already....

Everything that I held dear....
But I'm still here.

Still really hard not to hate myself....
But this is how things went....

I couldn't get people to see
what they didn't want to see...

What they didn't want me to show them.....

Whether it was because they were not ready to....
Or because they didn't want to.
Or didn't want me to....

Idk the reasons behind this. I may never know, 
But there are reasons. I know that.
Whether they think something about me
or were told things about me....

Or feel the way they do because of what I did. Idk.

I don't know why.

I don't know if I can ever get back what I lost.
And the people I lost do not want me back. 

All I have are memories and it's hard.
To just let them go because they want to. 

And I thought that the memories would carry me through....
But they haven't. 
Like they can't see anything good about me.
Or any of the good times we had.
Like all of that means nothing to them. 

Because I tried to get advice
and followed bad advice....

And that might never be forgiven....
So that, I can't get back....

Very tired... Of trying to prove myself.....
And I don't think that I can.
If I could have, I would have.....
And I wouldn't have had to try as hard as I tried....

And there's only me now.
Trying to get past this PAIN.

People who don't know, won't know. 
And I'm glad they don't, 
but sad at the same time.....
Because I can't get back what I had, 
but it's like what I had.... I lost a long time ago....

It's also like the pain just kept building up to this point.
And pain I caused, too. 
I caused enough damage.
But they caused damage, too.

Maybe one day.... But not now. 
And I don't really want to hang all my hopes on a maybe.
Like maybe my son might forgive me.
For not being the mother that he needed me to be.
Maybe he will see that a lot of what happened 
wasn't up to me. Was beyond my control....
Wasn't my choice...

But I see what it looked like.
It wasn't the way it looked. 
Just like I'm not the way I look
and not the way I made myself look....
But it's not up to me to get anyone to see that.

So Idk how the future will go.
But the past is the past.
The happy memories get me sad
knowing that they are gone, they are all I have left.
And I just wish I could have them back, 
chances to make more...
To make things better, somehow....
If I could, I would. 

I get that others are emotionally tormented
because of me....

And that ssometimes I only make things even worse than they were.
Without wanting to, but I do.

That is why they push me away.
But they don't see that I don't know how to feel
about some things, either.
And that's a big part of why I did what I did.

Because things might have been better
if we had talked about some things.

Or talked some things with other people
who they would listen to....

Someone with an outside perspective.
Which I was trying to get, 
but often, even they can't see some things.....
Some important, crucial things get missed....

And I still have a lot to learn. 
So do other people, though. 
I'm not the only one, 
and when they act like they know everything, 
it's frustrating. Because they have a lot to learn, too.

Like if they could see it from my POV
they would see why I did what I did, 
but they think that if I could see it from their POV, 
I shouldn't have done what I did. 
And I sacrificed my relationship with him.
Like I never cared about him or loved him, 
but I always did and still do....
But no matter what I say, it won't make that go away....
I can't make it like it never happened.... Because it did. 

And no matter how I look at it
or how I want to change it, 
I can't. It is what it is.
The damage is already done. 
The damage that I did.

Not all advice is good advice.
Read that thrice. x3.

I'm just really sad.
And I don't know how to move past this.
And that is draining me.
I have to forgive myself somehow.
For everything.

And other people need to see
that some things that they blame me for
aren't actually my fault.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.
And I can't stay stuck here.
Because it gets to be too much for me....

Like people blaming me 
for things that they need to take responsibility for.
As I was blaming others for things 
that were my responsibility. 
And still are my responsibility.....

It's easier to be blame others, not ourselves....
And people still do it
because they'd rather blame others (me)
than blame themselves
for their role in it.

Like how that teen blamed his mother
and his sister for how and where he ended up.

Feeling bad for himself. 
Thinking about all the things that HE missed out on.
Not the things his sister missed out on, or his mother did....
Or anyone else.....

And yes, I felt bad for myself, too.
There were times when I was younger
that I felt bad for myself.

And  still do, sometimes.
Thinking about the things I'm missing out on.
Just like my son is doing.
Feeling bad for himself, 
and not looking at how I felt and how I feel, too.

But he doesn't look at it that way.

Most people don't see how I felt or feel.
My family don't see how I felt and how I feel.
About the things they said and did to me....

But they did it for me. For me to see
that I have a lot to work out on my own.

That they have done enough damage. 
And the damage they did still matters.
It's still damaging and damaged me in ways
that I can't even start to tell them
IF they would listen to me, but they won't.

Like I have deep feelings
and therefore deep wounds....
And deep thinking to do....
Deep damage repair to do.....

And when the repair is done, 
then it is done....

And then I can't keep going back
to when it was raw.... 
And bleeding, even infected....

I'll likely be a very different person at that point. In my life.
That's what the counselling is for.

Just like I'm a different person than I was
when I used to drink, and do drugs, 
but few will ever see that about me.
They will look at me the way they want to look at me.
And sometimes they want to look at me differently, 
but I'm not the person that they wish that I was.

And the times I thought I was going crazy, 
are times I couldn't control my reactions to my experiences.
Besides writing, I used to have drinking and drugs.
And other unhealthy 'coping' methods.
I wasn't dealing with things.
I didn't know how to.
And I'm still learning how to, today.

"Recovery" affects the way we look at our lives
and the way we look at events that affected us.

I still don't like the word recovery because
we can't recover what we never really had.
It's more about discovery than recovery.
And that is a lesser known secret
(that shouldn't be a secret)
that I discovered on my own....

Lots of events affected me.
Even events that I pushed out of my conscious mind somehow.
Because they were so painful that I can't even bring myself
to relive those events. If that makes any sense.

When trying to deal with things that still hurt, 
that we can't really fully remember....
It is really hard.
Like fighting a beast you know is there, 
but you can't see it
and don't remember what it looks like....

But it's still wrecking you from the inside....

There are triggers to our trauma.
It comes and goes, but there are triggers.
There are some people who are triggers, too. 
My mother triggers a lot of sh*t for me.
And that's why I don't have a relationship with her.
I tried to, many times, but there are so many times
that she still let me down....
Whether she meant to or not, she still did. 
And pretty sure she has BPD, too.

And pretty sure my son has BPD, too. 
On top of PTSD....
And whatever else that he hasn't disclosed to me.
Or been tested for.

And a lot of time, the reaction to our pain is ANGER
because we're so angry that we had to go through
and are still going through the emotional turmoil
over stuff that was not within our control. 
Because we can't control what others do to us.
Or most of what happens to us.
Especially when we were kids....
And a lot of it was totally unfair
and should never have happened to us.

So coping becomes about trying to "cope"
by trying to "manage" symptoms.
Which is f*cking hard when we don't know how.
We get stuck in survival mode
instead of actually living our lives.

Which is unfair because other people
didn't go through what we went through. 
And how could they understand
the struggle to survive day to day
when they just get to live their lives.
Without the mess that we have to contend with?

It's the unfairness and injustice that perpetuates the anger.

Sometimes the fact that WE get it
is enough to help us, but sometimes it isn't. 
It just creates this powerful need to feel understood, 
heard, acknowledged, etc.
And most people don't get it... They just don't.
Because they can't. And they most likely won't.
So they won't ever know what it's like.

And sometimes there are some who do know.
But we sometimes feel so alone in our pain
that we think we ARE alone.
And that NOBODY will ever understand. Ever.
But that's not true.
Just because someone hasn't gone through
EXACTLY the same things, 
doesn't mean that they don't get it.
Doesn't mean that we are ALONE.

I used to be a pretty angry person.
If you knew me then compared to now....
You'd see me as a different person. 
I was ANGRY that nobody around me
who was putting me through so much sh*t
could SEE how unfair, unjust, unnecessary it was.....
Like they just enjoyed inflicting pain onto me.
So they did it, kept doing it, and got away with it.
FOR YEARS OF MY LIFE.
WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
JUST BEING A KID....
AND I DIDN'T GET TO....

LIKE I WASN'T ALLOWED TO BE A KID.
And all kinds of things like this....

The pace of "recovery" depends on what we can "manage."

People often ask me what I do with my days.
I don't manage well, still.
So blogging helps, and I primarily do that, 
but as my friend pointed out:
"You can't just blog your life away."
He wants to see me out there, doing something with my life,
doing something with myself. 

Instead of keeping myself in my comfort zone.
Buffering myself from triggers and stressors
because that's "not how the real world works."

And it's not a long term strategy. Because it's not.

Focusing on the story adds to the injury and pain.
It does. And that is why there are certain things
that I've literally been shielding myself from
For years because 'what I can't remember, can't hurt me.'
That's my spirit protecting itself. 

People who remember everything....
They hurt more than people who
protect themselves by forcing themselves to forget, 
but forcing themselves to forget
causes other problems down the road....

When we think we are doing ourselves a favor
by repressing and supressing, we actually aren't.
We're just storing the pain somewhere
where it's not the easiest to access.
Sometimes it's really hard to access it.

I can only explain it as hiding something
in a safe place, but it's so safe that you forget where it is
and then you can't find it again, 
when you need to find it so that you can heal it....

Instead of hiding it from yourself because you're afraid of losing it....
You're actually afraid of losing yourself, or your mind....

But you have certain barriers that you don't understand
because something happened
that you can't remember....

Anyway, more in future posts....