Looking At It Another Way

Been looking back, a lot.
To times and people I can't have back.
To feelings I had that I don't know if I can feel again.

Still needing things to look forward to.
I'm looking forward to feeling better, doing better, warmer weather.
Today would have been my father's birthday.
I might go for a walk, and get some coffee 
or something like that... Something simple.

Been in my place for a long time....
Haven't been out since that night
when I saw that car a few times....

Been having a hard time eating and sleeping. 
I guess that's what depression does....
And my mind working against me.
All the anxiety and stuff, too...

I gotta be stronger than this. For myself.... 
Been really tired... 

Been thinking so much about some things. 
Been attempting to work on my website. 
Learned how to put .zip files up
So that they can be downloaded. 
And got some payment buttons set up
And things like that.

Still not enjoying working with Wordpress.
It's not all that straight forward.
I find myself having to watch so many videos
and finding some things I need, 
but not finding other things I need.

Been trying to figure out
how to remove the sidebar.... It's been getting to me. 
To the point that I had a bad headache....
That's when I knew that I had to go to bed.
And still have bad sleeping habits.

My feet were freezing, so I had to put on wool socks. 
I'd made a couple of pairs of socks. 
I'm glad that I did because sometimes I need them.

I feel bad for how a lot of things turned out. 
I have to know and realize that it wasn't 100% my fault. 
Others had their own reactions. 
And they couldn't see why I felt the way I felt, too.

For now, I just can't be bothered with trying
for intimacy or whatever.
When someone was interested, I had to back off.
And I pretty much ran away....
Because I just.... I know I'm a mess.

And there were times, that I just didn't feel it.

The times I did, I got scared, and I didn't want it
to be just another thing that didn't work out....

So I am pretty much dropping that.
Because I just want people to be happy
and they can't be happy with me when I'm like this....

I can work on myself... When I feel okay enough to do it.
And that'll be good for me. Like it was before...

The last time, the guy was coming in and out
when it was good for him, 
leaving me confused and hurt...
And yes, I was pretty upset about it. 
Because... Either in or out. 
I don't want to be left hanging
while they go run around with their ex 
or whoever else
while I'm not good enough for them. 
And when they did give me some time....
It was them dogging me and being a clown. 
To add to the confusion. 
Like if you really do like me, 
you won't be being like that with me.

I get that maybe he was trying to get me to stop
being so serious all the time, 
but either take me seriously, or tell me
that you don't want me. 
So that we can go our own ways.

Like I can lay it on the line. 
And I say how I feel....

But I can't just... Try again. 
Because I don't want to go there.

They just took me for granted.... 
When I genuinely had those feelings for them. 

And they aren't the only one who did.
And I didn't have to even go there.... 
I did that to myself and I do that every time. 
Because I tend to find guys
who don't actually want me
because they wouldn't do to me what they do to me
If they did want me.

And I put up with that sh*t for too long. 
Because those feelings were strong, all along. 
Until I had enough of that.

I wrote about this stuff enough. 
And I just repeat myself.
No third party things or whatever the f*ck. 
Am I supposed to just keep taking them back
no matter how unfair they were with me?
No matter how much they hurt me?

Like if they are in a relationship already, 
why should I mess with that?
And why hide it and act like you're single?
Why tell me you're single when you're not?
To have their cake and eat it too?
Where's my cake?
Let them have cake. 
But I'm not going to keep waiting around
and just keep taking what I shouldn't have to.

I'm not going back to that sh*t anymore. 
I'm not as deperate for someone to love me
that I'm going to try to get with someone
who already has someone.
Who had someone all along.
Who f*cking lied to me, 
wouldn't clear things up with me, 
wouldn't try for me. 
Just did me like that.

Anyway, I guess I keep writing about it
because I know that I don't deserve that.

When someone's been trying
and you are with someone, tell them. 
So that they know WHY you're being a certain way with them. 
AND don't get with them sometimes
and don't f*ck with their heart.
When you know that you have theirs.

And it was on me that I gave him my heart.
And I don't need to do that again. 
Why would anyone want a broken heart?

Been broken too many times to want to f*cking 
do it all over again with someone else.... 

Especially some guy who KNOWS that I'm into him
but STILL plays those games and wears masks
the whole f*cking time.... 

And he knew I could see that he was, 
but that wasn't enough for him to stop doing it. 

And yes, I have to change my ways, too. 
Because my "love" has never been enough for anyone. Ever.
They always wanted more from me. 
Whatever they wanted, I couldn't give them that. 
And yes, I keep a lot to myself
and suffer alone, and still do.
But I'd rather just be alone
that tell someone a billion times that I love them
and still never be enough for them. 

And I hope they do remember when things were good with us. 
And know that if they ever wanted that back
that they'd have to show me why I should want it back.
And sometimes enough water went under the bridge
that the ship sailed. For not only them, but for me, too.

I remember when things were good, 
but I remember when things weren't and why, too. 

Because when I really needed them and needed more
on another level that we couldn't meet each other on.... 
(And there were many times that I couldn't meet them 
on another level).... It wasn't all them or up to them, 
but when they aren't, won't, don't try... It shows. 
Same on my end. 
Because a lot of the time, I'll stop trying
to see if they will start.... Or try harder. 
Or I'm just tired... Of fighting so hard
for them to see what it's been like for me.... 

For them to wake up and see: "Oh! This is why
she's being this way with me....
Because I'm being that way with her....

And even though there were times I tried to tell them
exactly what I wanted and needed 
and that wasn't enough to communicate certain things.

It's not that I have HUGE expectations. 
I just wanted to be SHOWN that they wanted me. 
Or still wanted me. That is all. 

I've always missed out on the passion. It was just not there.
And it kept getting to me.
And yes, I kept feeling a certain way about myself. 
And yes, I still feel a certain way about myself. 
And yes, I'm getting older now. 
And it feels like either wait the rest of my f*cking life.... 
For that one thing that I wanted. 
Or just be alone and accept defeat. 
Accept that guys like other girls. 
That they'd rather be alone that be with me. 
Or stay in a relationship that they aren't happy in
because if they were happy, WHY mess with ME?

And when they are with someone who manipulates them, 
and stays with them because they hold things over their head....
And keeps them away from someone who they could be happy with
just because they don't want to see them with someone else...
And they stay there. Instead of giving me a real chance.... 
And how long am I supposed to wait for them to decide
that that's not really what they want?

Although it would hurt, to see someone happy with someone else.... 
I'd rather that they are just happy. 

And if they aren't happy with me, there are reasons for that.
And sometimes those reasons don't actually have
anything to do with me. 
Because like I said, I won't be enough for some people.

But it's not about me being everything to everyone right now. 
Like I wanted to be and tried to be
when I had it in me to keep trying... 
When I kept getting a sh*t end of the stick. 

I have to be more for myself right now. 
So that I can be happy by myself, for myself. 

Because I'm still letting things go
that really f*cking hurt me.

And I know a lot of people are mad at me
for not being there when they needed me, when I couldn't.

I can see why and how people can just pour themselves
into their work because that's all they have.
Like I pour myself into my writing, 
because that's all I have. 
I didn't write yesterday. 
I keep feeling like I don't have anything worthwhile
to even talk about. 
Like my thoughts and feelings aren't valid. Or something. 
When were they ever? 
When a lot of people treated me like they are superior
and that it never mattered how I felt
or what I thought... 

Just because I have mental illness?
Does that make me less of a person?
And it doesn't necessarily mean that I need medication. 
I just f*cking feel confused, hurt, sad, all kinds of things. 
And I have to make appointments with counsellors
to talk about these things
Because I don't have anyone in my life
who I can talk to about this stuff.... 

And the people I felt I could talk to.... Where are they now?
Living their life. Doing their thing. 
Who am I to even want to take more of their time?
When I am struggling?
When I am not well?
When I destroy things?
When I have ruined my own life?
Why? Because I didn't get that one thing I wanted?
I had to go and ruin my life over that?
And expect anyone to want to stick around?
To talk about these things?

And the ones who can clearly see that I am suffering....
Maybe they know what it's like to suffer too....
"Takes one to know one."
But who am I to think that I can relieve someone
of their suffering if I am struggling to relieve myself?

When at times it gets too much for me....
If it gets to be too much for me, 
I know that it is too much for someone else. 
So why would I want to put them through that?
Because they love me?
Or they think that they could love me?
When someone can only be so strong for so long. 
Including myself. 

And that is what I try to tell them. 
And it's not that I choose this over them. 
I want them to be happy
and I can't see them being happy with me. 
Even if they want to be. Or wanted to be. 
They need to and want to be free. 
I need that and want that for them. 

Because I don't EVER want anyone
to feel like they are stuck with me. 
NEVER AGAIN DO I WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT.
That someone feels like that about me. 
I felt that way far too many times
and they felt that way about me far too many times. 
For me to want to. Not that I ever did. 
Not that anyone ever wants to feel that way. 
Or wants anyone to feel that way about them. 
IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.
And I don't want anyone to feel trapped with me
or that I trapped them. 
Or that I want to trap them or keep them trapped.

Yes, I'm still trying to let go of the past. 
And I feel trapped in the past
knowing that I can't have back
the things that were good about it
even though those times were few and far between.... 
They still meant everything to me.... 
And I'm still really stuck on memories. 
And the love I had, that is still there
that's still beating the f*ck out of me
until I can let go completely.

Because I still have to grow and change, and evolve. 
Learn a lot of things.... Develop.... 
Learn to care for myself more than I ever have.... 
In my whole life.... 
And STOP thinking that someone 
might come into my life who would care for me.... 
AND STOP blaming myself for the times
that people acted like I never cared about them. 
When I always did.... 
But I had to stop caring so much about people
who really didn't have my best interests at heart. 
Who showed me that they either didn't care
or stopped caring a long time ago.... 
Or I don't know... 

I have to stop waiting for those
who pretend that they care to actually care. 
Or who only care when I'm doing okay... 
Or when they are doing okay.... 

Like I know that I'm not the only one
falling apart. I know that. 
But nobody should be there, just to help me
put myself back together again
and be there so that I don't fall apart again. 

Like I distanced myself from a lot of people.
Some people saying that they cared and wanted to help. 
Some people who actually tried and tried to help, 
people who weren't trying and didn't want to help...
People who were trying and stopped trying...
Some people who referred me to others
who said they wanted to help, but didn't reach out to me.... 
And even when I reached out to them... 
And it takes a lot to reach out to people.... 

Because I know that I'm not normal. 
Everyone in my life has known that. 
Some people are actually happy to see me fail... 
To see me suffer.... 
Because it gives them something to talk about.... 

So I secluded myself from a lot of people. 
And yes, people have exited my life
because they wanted to
and I have to stop trying to beg people to stay
when they choose to walk away. 
Because it is their choice. 

And I don't need anyone who doesn't want me in their life. 
Why? Because I still love them?
Because the love I have/had for them
never completely died?
Because I think I can never be whole
or complete without someone
who always had me feeling like I wasn't good enough?
Why? IDK.

I can feel it when someone sticks around
because they think or feel like they have to....
To spare my feelings or something. 
Rather than when they want to...
Because when they want to feels so much different. 
And it shows.... 

But my friends.... The ones who stuck by me. 
Even when I'm going through this sh*t.....
I can feel when they don't want to.
When they feel like they have to because we're friends
and to walk away from me in my hardest times
would probably really hurt me....

So I do pull away from them when I feel that. 
When I feel like I'm a burden to them.... 
I feel like I'm more of a burden on pretty much everyone.
Especially lately. So I just holed up. 
And I have to get through this. 
And I started going to counselling. 
And that only helps so much. 
I really have a lot of work to do on myself. 
And I really need to heal from so much pain. 
And I don't want someone to feel like they have to be there. For me.
Because I know that I have to be there for myself. 
And yes, I've been struggling to do that. 

And sometimes people have to end up completely alone
to figure out how to do that. 
Like when people depend too much on others
for their own happiness.... 
When those people fail them, and they usually do, 
they see that they couldn't depend on them. 

I wasn't so much depending on them. 
I was depending on what I wanted
for the reasons that I wanted what I wanted. 
Which doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense.... 

Like I felt empty, depleted, defeated for so long
that I just wanted to feel fulfilled, and sucessful.
But I wasn't fulfilling my own needs. 
So that's a big part of why I was failing. 

LIKE THE NEED TO FEEL ACCEPTED, 
AND APPRECIATED.

I can't even name one person who I felt
like they truly appreciated me. As a person. 
Let alone a friend, or lover, or whatever I was to them.

Imagine just wanting to feel appreciated?
For what I do actually have to offer?

And a lot of people out there can think
that I have nothing to offer.
Just because I haven't proven myself to them....
But have they proven themselves to me?
And yes, there are some who have.....
And I was thinking that I'll never be able
to repay them for their kindnesses
and for their thoughtfulness etc.
Like I couldn't match them on any level, 
but I still did appreciate them being there
for however long they could be there....
Or wanted to, or tried. Or whatever.
They still had my appreciation and admiration....
And they still do.
Even if I'm so f*cked up right now
that I can't be whatever they needed me to be....
It never meant that I never wanted to be that, for them.
It's just that I'm pretty f*cked up.
Not that I want to be or wanted to be, 
but I'm recognizing that I have been and that I am.

And I feel like most wouldn't get it.
Or know what this has been like or is like.
I can only put so much into words.

It's like some people will see me doing okay
at the times I'm doing okay
and they might think I'm okay.
But then they see me when I'm not doing okay.....
And there are times I've tried to hide it
and tried to let some things slide....
And then they thought it was okay
to just keep treating me the way they were....
Because I never said anything about it
and the times that I did try to say something about it
they told me they didn't care.
Or they ran me tf over.
Like my feelings didn't matter...
Well, they do. And it took me so LONG
to realize and to vocalize that my feeling matter.
And all the times people told me
that they didn't care.... Should have been the end of it.

Instead of my trying to give them reasons why they should.
Because it is up to them.
I had lived with so much indecision.
Like they couldn't decide if they cared or if they didn't. 
And when I stopped caring is when it hurt them.
When they didn't and couldn't see that it hurt me
when they were doing that to me....

Like when I was doing better on my own, for a while.
And my brother got mad at me for not being there for him,
when there were times he outright refused to be there for me.
And there were times my family has literally treated me like sh*t.
I still kept going back to them. For more... 

Then when I stop, they notice I'm not around like I used to be.
That I'm not trying like I used to be.
And they make it seem like it's my fault.
For everything they ever said to me,
everything they ever did to me....
Everything they put me through.
All because I spoke up about their sh*ttiness.

Like I'm not allowed to say: "I don't like being treated this way."
"Please put more effort in."
"Please think about how I feel."
"Please think about how this or that feels...."
But they want ME to listen to THEM.
And treat them how THEY want to be treated.
Without so much as a thought about what it feels like
to be treated the way they treated me....

And I can't force them to see it.
I can't even talk to them about it.
So I stop trying to and stop trying altogether.
But they only see ME not trying anymore....

Anyway, I've said this stuff a billion times.
But this is why I've secluded myself.
And I'm really going through a hard time.
When all I wanted were very simple things in my life.
That other people have and I'm happy for them.
That they have that.
I know what it feels like not to have that
and to want to have that
and to feel like I can't have that.
Or anything I ever wanted in my life.
But I'm just trying to pull through all of this.
Every f*cking inch of this.....
Like given so many inches to people
who just took miles from me.
And never felt more alone, 
but I have to start looking at this
like I would rather be.
Instead of that I have to be.
Because I could be surrounded with people
taking me for granted all the time, 
not appreciating me...
And blaming it all on me....

Or I could just learn what I needed to learn 
a long time ago.

Because I didn't want to end up alone.
I didn't want to end up like this.
I didn't want to be taken for granted.
I didn't want a lot of sh*t that happened to me.
Because of me or because of others....

But I'd rather just be alone than all of that, anyway.
So I have to look at it that way.