As Long As I Did

Been listening to some readings about how
a person from my past had to learn some things
about me walking away from their disrespect
and had to face their karma....
I have an idea about who that could be, 
but they'd have to have really learned.
That ego, games, lies, and bullsh*t 
really don't fly with me. 
And I really don't know how I put up with that
for as long as I did....

There was something that says:
"If you have to let someone go, 
the Universe will use them to hurt you enough
that you will let them go."

Been really hurt in the past. Really hurt.
Maybe that is my karma for hurting others
a long time ago. I did what I did.
And that could be why I have nothing and nobody.
But at the same time, I have to grow
and it's true that it's hard to grow
with someone who isn't growing with you.

Sometimes you grow with people
sometimes you outgrow them. 
Sometimes they outgrow us. 
Sometimes people outgrow each other.

Not saying that I've grown so much... 
There were times that I really felt that I was growing, 
and times I really felt that I was wilting away. 
Like dying away with possessive people. 
Who would only allow me to do some things. 
And not do others. 
In their mind, I think they were trying to protect me, 
but in my mind, I think it was a lot to do 
with their insecurities
and not necessarily with me. 

But anyway, still don't know why
I'm even thinking about that stuff. 
Probably because the tarot readings 
have a lot to do with love and relationships. 

I haven't really built a relationship with myself.
Even though I've been alone for a long time. 

I think that's why that guy... (I know his name)
went to go live in that ghost town. 
To be completely alone. With his thoughts
and just get back to himself
because being completely alone
meant that he really has no choice
but to totally embrace himself.... 
And totally be self-sufficient. 

Like there's no running water up there, even. 

I respect people like that. 
Who don't have to depend on anyone or anything. 
They just completely take care of themselves. 

And maybe everyone's making exits in my life
so that I don't depend too much on them. 
For anything. Even my happiness. Or anything. 

Maybe I was supposed to be a nomad or something. 

I remember a trip I took when I was 16. 
I  went to 10 towns in 3 months. 
But I obviously had help from people
who I met along the way... 
Otherwise, I would have been f*cked. 
I would have been dead out there. 

I did rely on the kindness of strangers. 
And it showed me what TRUST really is. 
Because I had to TRUST them to survive. 

I just toured around....

I had gone to see a guy I'd met at a camp. 
Who lived very far away from here. 
We'd kept in touch in letters and he sent me pictures. 
I had his address and things were rough here
so I went to go see him. 
Didn't tell him I was going there. 
Showed up at his house. 
With like 50 cents to my name. 
He told his parents when they returned from 
wherever they had been... 
They told him to get his friend to drive me to another town.
From there I was supposed to go home, 
but I had been in touch with my mother
and my Grandmother so they wouldn't worry about me. 

My mother had a cousin in the town, 
and I stayed with him, his wife, and met their family. 
I stayed with them for a week, and was supposed to go home, 
but I ended up in Toronto for a little while. 
People out there were trying to get me to go home
because they didn't want anything bad to happen to me. 

Anyway, it's hard to remember every detail of that trip, now. 
I probaby wrote about it on here long ago. 

I remember I ended up on a farm
with someone I'd met on the bus. 

I was taking the bus there, but didn't know
that the place didn't have a bus station 
and that I'd missed my stop. 
I told someone who was sitting across the aile from me
that I had no idea where I was. 
He sensed that I was freaked out
and probably needed a place to stay for a while. 
He was good to me. 

He'd brought me to his parent's place to stay the night. 
He explained how we met and what had happened. 
They let me crash on their couch for the night. 
And then he came to get me in the morning. 
He was going to stay with his cousin
because they were going to be working together. 
So he brought me along. I stayed with them
for a week. I kept their place clean. 
I cleaned every day while they were away. 

When I decided that I was going to head out
to my original destination, they gave me money
to get to the next town, but I used it all
to take the taxi to the town that I was going to. 
I was supposed to take the taxi to the next town
and take the bus, but I asked the taxi driver 
to take me to the town I was headed to. 
He asked me how much money I had. 
I had $120 dollars. I spent it all on that drive. 

Most expensive taxi fare I ever had... 
But it was pretty far away.
And I got there safely. Which is what I wanted. 
I was done hitchhiking at that point. 
I don't think I'll ever hitchhike again. 
Not alone, at least. Unless I have to.... 

There were a few close calls when I was hitchhiking. 
I had to jump out of moving cars before. 
One guy put his hand on my leg and I GTFO of there.
I actually ran and hid under a parked car
in someone's drive way, and watched the guy
drive around looking for me. 
I stayed there until the guy had left.... 

I had never done that, hidden under a parked car, 
like a scared animal or something, 
but it was the only place
that I was sure he wasn't going to find me, 
and it was the middle of the night
so was pretty sure the car I was hiding under
wasn't going anywhere.... 

I don't know what gave me the idea to do that, 
but when my gut tells me to do something like that, 
for my own safety, I have to listen to it. 

BAD vibes when the guy put his hand on my leg
like he wanted something from me
that I really didn't want to give him.... So F*ck that noise.

I was right nextdoor to where I'd wanted to go. 
So I just had to wait until he left
so that he wouldn't see me going in there.
Because it was only me there. Alone. 

Anyway, still sad that I've ended up alone. 
With pretty much everyone I ever loved
either hating me or whatever.... 
I know I hurt some people in the past. 
I hurt people I shouldn't have hurt. 
And the people who hurt me was karma
for the sh*tty things I did. 

I still get the feeling that karma's not done with me. 
That losing everyone wasn't the end of it.... 

STILL get that feeling that the other shoe
has yet to drop... And that makes my stomach drop. 
I don't know why I feel that way, 
but it doesn't feel good. 
Like a huge knot in my stomach, dropping, 
and dropping, and dropping. 
And my heart sinks with it all the time. 

I had lessons to learn, 
but it feels like the Universe isn't done, yet. 

There was something that someone posted
a while back that said that some people
have to walk their path of destruction
because they can't be saved. 

I think that it was true for me. 
Only I can save myself. 
By letting people who want to walk away.... 
By letting them just walk away
and stop holding onto to people
who don't want to stay.
And they have their reasons. 
And I had my reasons for doing what I did, too. 
Even though I probably shouldn't have done
what I did. Even though I had my reasons to do it.
Even though it just made things worse.... 
Especially for myself.... 

And if I just ran away today... 
And just left everything behind, 
where would I go in a pandemic?

Somewhere far away? 
Somewhere where people might embrace me?
So that they could help me just enough, 
to teach me all they know
about living off the grid, 
so that when the time comes.... 
I can be enough, have enough, do enough, 
to just live somewhere quietly?

Somewhere I can't hurt anyone?
Somewhere nobody could hurt me?

And just grow and grow and grow as a person?
Grow, survive, and live?

Because I'm being shown that I don't need the people
who've walked out on me. Who aren't here.

Yes, I feel guilty for a lot of things. 
That feeling never really goes away. 
Guilty for just living my life. 
For pushing people away. 
For a lot of things.... 

If there was something bigger than us
that knew I was going to do it, 
then was I supposed to have done it? IDK.

A lot of pangs of regret... A lot. 

Just maybe I was meant to cause the destruction I did cause. 
Because I was self-destructing. 
Until I did enough of that to know
that it's not what I want for myself. 
Or anyone around me. 

And maybe I was meant to be alone. 
To grow, like I said. And for other reasons. 
That "love" was some ridiculous notion.
That wasn't meant for me. 

Maybe I was supposed to "love" everyone and everything
from a safe distance from them and it.

And just start saving for a ghost town of my own.... 

I heard of a ghost town in Ontario. 
And it has 7 residents in total. 
Maybe I was meant to live somewhere like that.
Far away from most people....
Especially people who can't and won't understand me.
Who take me for granted every chance they got
and hurt me every chance I ever gave them..... 

"Love" hurts...
OooooooooohhhhhOooooohOoooooh
"Love" hurts...

Whatever. It shouldn't even cross my mind anymore. 
Maybe still feeling and healing. 
To the point that I can forgive everyone
for ever hurting me. 
To the point that my skin is so thick
that they can just live their lives without me
and I'll still be fine. Without anyone. 

But being fine means being okay. 
And I haven't been okay with things
that haven't been okay.
And I know a lot of other people aren't, either.

They aren't okay with what I did. 
Because, to them, I had no reason to do what I did.
And how would I have known that?
How would I have known that had they not told me. 

And yes, I get so anxious and scared sometimes. 
That I make the wrong moves. 
And as hard as it is to do, I was told it was right. 
I was told that lots of other people
would have done the same thing that I did.

But that doesn't mean that I had to do it. 
And I know why they are mad that I did it. 

And I had to learn from that. 
And part of it is having to lose everything. 

Running away to some ghost town
seems very appealing. I must say. 
And there are at least 10 in my province.... 
It's that I don't know how to live off the grid. 
Because I never have before.

But people learn new things every day. 
Like (the guy) who bought a ghost town. 
He's lived up there for like 10 months. 
And had to learn a lot of things. 
I don't think he was fully prepared, 
but he's been doing it. The best he can. Alone. 
And he plans on spending the rest of his life that way.

Maybe that's what works for him, 
but he's living his life the way he wants to.