I Can't Explain

 Although I don't like a lot of the choices others made.
That affected me... Greatly....
I had to choose to let them make those choices
whether I wanted to or not.
Because I didn't get the choice
for them to choose something different
than what they chose.

And they didn't get to choose for me to choose differently
than what I chose
even though there were times that I felt 
like I had no choice, at the time.... I still did.
And I'm still kicking myself for making choices
that really didn't serve me to make
even though I thought it was, at the time.
In my elusive chase of happiness.
I was trying to be and wanting to be happy, 
but the things that I was doing wasn't making me happy
and I thought I had to keep doing those things
to keep trying to be happy, but I wasn't happy.

And when I stopped drinking, I lost a coping method
and I lost people who I thought were friends
but they only wanted someone to drink with.
It wasn't about hanging out with me
or catching up with me.
It was about what they wanted.
Wasn't about what I wanted.
And life isn't about what I wanted.
And the less and less and less I get what I wanted....
The more I feel like I never really was worthy
of what I wanted in the first place.
Like only those who are worthy get what they want.
But they find out some way or another
that life's not about what they wanted.

Or being happy that they got what they wanted.

Because they'll just want more 
and we can't always get what we want anyway.
We can be disappointed. Or hurt. Or whatever.
But life is still life
and life's about learning things.
Even the hard way.... If need be.

And some people die without learning some things.
I'll likely die having not learned some things....
And maybe because of not having learned some things....

But either way, it's not about getting what we wanted.
I learned that from not getting what I had wanted.

Life doesn't happen the way we want it to
just because we wanted things to be 
a certain way and for others to see certain things.
LIFE wants what it wants, too.
LIFE gets what it wants.
One way or another. 
Whether others have to teach us things, 
or we have to teach others things.... 
LIFE gets what it wants.

Anyway, I was thinking back the other day
about how angry I used to be and used to get.
And a few things that others told me.
That it was about control. 
Wanting to have control that I didn't have.
And wanting to do things about things
that I had no control over
and about how others refused to be controlled
just how I didn't want to be controlled either
and how I couldn't get or have my way. 
And had to let others get and have their way. 
And that I had no choice in it
and that was seemingly so upsetting
that I had to be angry about it.... 

Yes, I got angry that people tried to control me.
But I really have very little control over others. 
Like there were times I asked people to leave my apartment
and they straight up refused to leave.
Like I couldn't even want to have the right to tell them to GTFO.

And the times they wanted me to leave, I left.
Because they have the right to ask me to leave.
Even the right to tell me to. 
For whatever reason. I have the right to respect their rights. 
And yes, I wish my rights were respected. 
I really wish that they were, at ALL times. 
But for lots of reasons.... People think they have the right
NOT to respect my rights.... 

And for whatever reasons.... 
Every time I really tried to stand up for my rights
I did it in a way that people pretty much laughed in my face
and ran me tf over. Again and again and again.

Like I want to be able to stand up for myself. 
In a way that people will respect me
and will respect my rights.

Anyway, I feel like I've gotten enough punishment
To last me the rest of my life. 
And I feel like every time I try, I just get more.
And when I don't try, I get more.
So I feel f*cked either way.

It doesn't feel good. Like being punished for things I did. 
But punished for things I didn't do, 
and for things others did and didn't do, too. 

Like the punishment just doesn't seem to stop.

And I feel like I'm paying for my own mistakes
and for the mistakes others made, too. 
And that they aren't paying for their own mistakes. 
It feels like I'm paying for theirs. On top of mine.
I can't explain how that feels.