Not Rainbows

 Anyway, getting my website set up again. 
I had a lot of the basics up, 
but then I wanted to leave the navigation
and get rid of the sidebar, but I ended up
screwing everything up, 
couldn't figure out how to fix it, 
because I'm not an expert with WP.
And so I had to start over again. 
So I'm starting up from scratch, again. 
But I have some more knowledge 
on how to do some things.... 

But I have to work around some other things.... 
Which is fine, but kinda a PITA.
Not like I had much of anything to do today. 
And I decided that I should try to do something else.
Other than write about some of the things
that I've been going through. 
Because the longer I stay stuck in this, 
the longer I stay stuck in this....
And things are what they are, but I still have a life to live. 
Regardless of what others think about me. 
When they can't seem to take responsibility
for their own parts in it. 
I still have to face up and own up to mine. Every day... 
And I still have to discover who I really am. 
With or without anyone in my life. 

So I did end up going out and getting myself
a couple of cheap treats today. 
Because... Because!
Not my customary treats that I usually get...
Because I'm running low on funds.... 
And well, it is what it is. 
And what it has been for a long time. 
And I have to just get through this.... 
So even though my attention's been on that....
I also have to do better at taking care of myself. 
While I still can... 

I've read some things from people
who've been suffering with eating disorders.... 
There was one woman who's had annorexia....
She was saying that her bones pertrude so much
that even wear a jacket can be painful. 
And she has done so much damage to her heart...
That it beats irregularly now. 

At my worst... When I was jogging and jumping rope, 
(which was good for me...)
I still wasn't eating enough.... 
I was down to 117 pounds... 
And my bones were starting to pertrude....
And all I could do was just.... Cry. 

I haven't really allowed myself to cry about
what I've been going through.... 

I'm facing a loss, but it's their loss, too. 
Because the people who thought they knew me....
They really don't. 
And there are still good things about me. 
That I've been keeping from myself, too. 
So the people who thought they knew me, 
they actually don't. 
And the ones who don't want to, they won't. 
They only know what they think they know
and if they want to judge me
based on anything I've ever done
or based on anything they think they know about me... 
They can go right ahead and do that. 
Because I'm just tired. 
Of trying to be something to people
who really didn't GAF about me. 
Who took me for granted. 
And just... Whatever. They didn't appreciate me. 
Is everyone? No. That is a fact. Of life. 

I got a FR from someone I used to talk to.... 
Who I was friends with on the SM site.... 
I didn't think I would. Thought he was long gone. 
Don't know if he's been reading my stuff... 
Or whatever. Don't know if we will talk again. 
Didn't think I'd hear from him. 
Even to send me a FR. It was a surprise. 

He's been going through his own stuff. 
Stuff he doesn't talk to me about. 
Stuff he'll probably never talk to me about. 
I don't really talk about my stuff, either. 
I write about it. But that's about it. 
And writing about it isn't going to solve it
Or change it in any way. I know this. 
I have to do what I have to do to get through this. 
No matter how hard and how painful it is. 
Either I get through it
or I'm going to be stuck in this. 
And being stuck in it
doesn't f*cking feel good. It doesn't. 

So I try to give myself some distractions here and there. 
Like getting my site back up and running.... 
Setting more up.... I lost a lot of the work that I did. 
And I have to get caught up. 
And maybe I'll do some things differently this time.... 

But at least I had the will to do it....
The last couple of months.... 
I've just been trying to get some help. 
Because this has been really hard. 
And yes, I added to it. By f*cking some things up. 
Because I acted on what I knew. 
And there's a bunch of things I don't know. 
And I wish I had handled some things differently. 
I wish I had done some things differently. 
But wishing isn't going to change anything, either. 

I still have to forgive myself. 
It seems that forgiving others was a bit easier....
But still. I have to try to forgive myself, too. 
Even if others won't forgive me....

I keep thinking: "Maybe it was for the best...."
And I have to be okay with everything as it is, 
to be okay, one day. 

I know how I feel and I'm allowed to feel how I feel. 
About a lot of painful sh*t in my life. 
And I can't blame all that painful sh*t
for what I decide to do, from here. 
I could, but I can't. If that makes sense. 

"You can let it make you bitter, 
or you can let it make you better."
Choice is ours. 
I still feel like I'll end up leaving here one day. 
I don't know where I'll end up. Or how.
But I just have to work on being okay. 
Because that's what I need. 
For and from myself. 

Otherwise, I know that things could get worse. 
I mean, they could. 
If I let everyone who hurt me ruin my life. 
And blame everyone who caused me pain 
and caused damage to just keep me
in pain and keep causing me damage.... 

And they may or may not ever see or realize
the pain and damage they caused. 
But I can't let my life be about that. 
I could, but I can't. 

But I am tired. I am exhausted. 
And haven't really been allowing myself
to enjoy anything lately.
Like all these feelings I've been stuck in
are getting in the way of other feelings. 
If that makes any sense. 

Like all the feelings about everything I wanted. 
That I didn't get to have for whatever reasons.... 
And dwelling on that.... 
As I'm prone to do. 

Because things could have been a lot different. 
Had I made different choices.... 
Had I not tried to chase this elusive "happiness...."
The things I wanted, that I wasn't getting
for whatever reasons.... 

And yeah, I could keep suffering.
With the pain, loss, guilt, grief, sadness, sorrow, 
all the regret about things I did
and cannot f*cking change....

And I have to pull myself out of it.
And see some things. 
Like it's not always ALL mine to bear. 
Because other people
could have made better choices 
and different choices, too. 

I still did what I did
and didn't do what I didn't do....
And all of it has lead up to here.

With my adult son hating me. 
And with me hating myself, yet again. 
And having to "cope" and just....
Try to live without anyone in my life. 
And did my life go the way I wanted it to go?
No. It didn't. 
This isn't how I wanted to end up.

I wanted to be married to my childhood crush. 
Who ended up with someone else. 
Who didn't know how I felt about him. 
Until I told him...
And telling someone how you feel
DOES NOT GUARANTEE
THAT THEY WILL FEEL THE SAME WAY!!!
OR EVEN TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT!!!

Literally everyone I ever loved...
Are not in my life.

Does that mean I won't buy myself chocolate on Valentine's Day?
No. It doesn't. Because I still matter.
And I can still try to enjoy some things. 
And I can still try to feel okay, and be okay
when other things in my life
didn't go the way I had wanted them to go.
And didn't end up the way I had wanted them to be....

Could things have been better?
If I had tried harder?
Would I have still failed? Maybe. 
Just differently. 
And "never know unless you try."
Just like "never know unless you ask..."

Whatever. Just... Whatever.
My life didn't turn out the way I had wanted. 
If I never get married, I never get married. 
And I can't see myself dating again....
Or even really wanting to try to.
Because I just fall on my face
and get disrepected.... And taken for granted....
So why should I even want to?

But I guess he thought of me, too.
Because he sent me a FR.
After not speaking to me for a long time. 
And not even reading any of my messages....

But C***** hasn't read my last message, either.
And I either get left on read or just.... Whatever.
That's not up for me to decide.
But if someone's going to ask me how things are.....
And things aren't going well.... I'll be honest about it.
Why lie and tell them that things are great if they aren't?
If I'm going through hell, I'm going through hell. 
And if they don't know what to say, they don't. 
But at least I didn't f*cking lie to them
and tell them that everything's f*cking rainbows. 
When it isn't. 
And I hope they can respect that. The truth. 
And I know people don't want to hear it. 
And that's fine. I'm not trying to drag them into my mess.
But at least I told the truth.

And I'd rather others be honest with me, too. 
And not lie to me. 
And not tell me everything's rainbows if it's not. 
Because not everything is for everyone all the time. 
And a lot of people actually struggle. 
And I respect it when they tell me that they are.
Because we are humans. 
And people make mistakes and they f*ck up.
And they take sh*tty advice. 
And whatever.... That is life.

But I respect the truth. I'd rather have and hear the truth. 

And being honest about going through some hard things.....
Isn't about moaning and crying about my life. 
I'm just being honest about going through some hard things. 
And a lot of people would probably feel similar feelings
that I'm feeling about going through what I've been going through. 

I really don't have a lot to say about it. 
Just hard going through this again and again and again. 
Like things started going better and I thought
that things were going to get better, but they didn't. 
And I have to keep climbing out of this. 
Sometimes it's really f*cking hard.
And I'd rather admit that
than pretend to someone
that everything's rainbows. When it's not.

But will I be doing better some day? Maybe.
Been getting myself out of it sometimes, on my own. 
And it is f*cking really hard. 
And then I end up right back in it, even deeper than before. 
But it's not easy. If it was, maybe it'd be rainbows. 
And not a f*cking deluge that ends in a landslide....

Don't know what people want to hear from me.....
Some BS about rainbows and such, 
or the truth.... That I'm actually really struggling. 
And if I have to struggle alone....
I'd rather just be alone
than just have people expect some BS about rainbows. 
Because chances are.... If I'm struggling, I'm struggling. 
And I don't tell them because I want them to fix it for me. 
Or feel bad for me. I feel bad enough. 
Nobody needs to feel bad for me. 
That's not why I tell them I'm struggling. 
I just am so I say I am. 
I can admit where I'm at.
Why should I be ashamed of that?
Most people would rather tell people they are doing great
and hide behind lies and fake smiles....
Or whatever. I don't do that.

If I caused the sh*t I'm going through, then I did.
Should I lie about that, too?
Should I lie about everything?
And just never be honest about a damn thing?
When most people I know can't even admit
to saying what they said?
And have to lie about it to feel better about it?
And then blame me for calling them out on it?

Like it's okay to put me through sh*t
because somehow I have to be stronger....
And just suck it all up....
And just say and do whatever they feel like saying and doing....
But it doesn't seem to be okay
for me to say anything about it.....
Or even feel anything.....
About anything. Ever.

So yeah.... I can be interested in whoever, 
but it does not guarantee they will like me back
or be interested in me. Or care. 
Or think of me. Or feel anything. 
Or whatever. 
Doesn't mean I'm good enough for them
or that they'll be good for me or to me.....

So I can think twice about that sh*t. 
Admire some things about people, sure. 
Keep people at a distance, sure. Whatever.

Like a friend told me.... After her break up....
She said that she can still appreciate certain things. 
She doesn't have to get involved with anyone. 

I just can't do the "casual sex" thing. I never could. 
It was never "just hooking up" to me. 
So now that I know that I can't do that....
I know, also, that I don't have to.

Do I still wonder what it'd be like
to be involved with someone?
And have deep, meaningful conversations?
And experience some intimacy, sometimes?
But... Being allowed to be completely honest with someone....
That is another form of intimacy....

Whether or not it's f*cking rainbows....
Even when it's not rainbows. 
Because when it's not, it's not. 
We are humans.
Who have a wide range of experiences, and feelings. 

And a lot of times, life doesn't happen
the way we wish it would happen....

And sometimes happiness is elusive....
Sometimes we can't allow ourselves to enjoy things
that we are supposed to be allowed to enjoy. 
Because so many other things overpower us. 
And sometimes someone doesn't need anything more than....
"It's okay to be where you're at.
Thanks for trusting me enough to be honest with me."

"I appreciate your honesty."

And they don't need anything more than that. 
Just a recognition that they told the truth.
Even when the truth hurts or whatever.
Or just... Isn't what they wanted to hear.
It's still the truth. 
"Thanks for telling me the truth."

What bothers me is when someone tells the truth
and someone else denies it.
Even if they are trying to save their own face....
Like trying to deny the truth. 

But yes, I have done this. 
I've lied to myself lots of times. 
I still do it. But at least I can admit that, too. 

The times I've lied to myself
were times I wanted to look the other way
and deny what was really happening to me
to try to feel better about it.....
And to turn it into something it wasn't. 
But I only screwed myself over doing that.
Because I couldn't accept it for what it was.

And things dragged out and got worse. 
Because of that.
Because I wanted to look for rainbows. 
And maybe there were a few hidden ones. 
And maybe it was just going to keep pouring buckets on my head....

But.... How long can I lie to myself
just to try to feel better?
I have to be and get honest about everything.
Even the really ugly things that I wish weren't the way they were.

I had a hand in f*cking things up.
But they aren't f*cked up solely because of me.
And I have to accept that.
Even if others won't and don't.